Month: June 2012

Right Speech Wrap-up

As the regular readers of this blog know (all 3 of you), June is coming to a close, which means it’s almost time for a new set of goals… but before that can happen, some reflection.

In general, right speech is difficult, but not in the ways that I originally thought it would be. Gossip, strangely, is fairly easy to avoid. I can’t say that I’ve completely abstained… but I have also spent a lot of time avoiding it. My most difficult task has surely been the swearing part. Yes, I’ve got a case of the cussing, and it usually rears it’s ugly head when I’m frustrated or upset. Thankfully in texts, I’ve developed fun little acronyms to avoid actually swearing. However, the meanings are the same. I’ve heard that swearing occurs when you can’t think of something more intelligent to say and as flippant a statement that is, I’ve noticed that it’s partly true for me. When I’m incredibly upset or frustrated, my brain freezes and the only think that can come out is profanity. It’s very difficult to slow that process down, but I’m working on it.

I am truly blessed to be put into situations on a regular basis where I can be positive and encouraging, and in those situations, I’m very good at positivity and encouragement. Outside of those situations, especially in my private life, I find it much harder. Perhaps because my expectations are too high for those in my personal life, but nevertheless, that’s a work in progress as well.

Which brings me to the thing that I think I need to most work on, simply because it has caused the most damage. This month primarily, due to the exceptional amount of stress, hurt and frustration I’ve experienced, I have stooped to being passive-aggressive. The worst part is that I have hurt others, but a very close second is that I broke one of my top rules: Facebook is not my dumping ground. I have made several snide or passive-aggressive statements online that have either rendered someone’s feelings being hurt (including my own) or have made me regret it in other ways. This behavior does not happen very often, but they seem to be some of the worst choices I’ve made in recent history.

As with any set of goals, you win some and you grow from the rest. I’m definitely trying to win them all, but alas, I’m but a mere human. We are prone to failures, inadequacies and tribulations of varying sorts. When I fall on my face, I have the choice, as everyone does, to either lie there in the street or to pick myself up, dust off and pray nobody caught that on film.

The next blog post will likely be at the start of July with the usual outline. See you on the flip side!

(http://rwufeinsteincenter.webs.com/aguidetoreflection.htm)

(http://creativefan.com/20-provoking-reflection-photographs/)

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You are not a unique and beautiful snowflake

As hopefully many of you, delightful readers will know, this is a line from the movie/book “Fight Club“.

This film and several of the contents/topics of it has come up a few times in the past week or so and I find it interesting that in completely separate instances it’s been mentioned. In one conversation, we were talking about a book that Ive begun reading about a man that was sick of over-consumption. The sheer amounts of stuff this man and his family collected was inhibiting his actual life. I’ve not gotten to this part yet, but apparently he offloaded most of his worldly possessions to regain some perspective. Of course the Fight Club reference is the scene where Ed Norton’s monologue is about his insomnia and goes on about infomercials and catalog browsing to buy the perfect life.

I find this particularly interesting because while I think things are fancy, nice and generally useful, there are very few things that I NEED in this world. In the spirit of honesty, I would like to confess however, that I am lusting after a set of black out curtains for this massive window in my bedroom because, let’s face it, I don’t want to wake up at dawn because my room is like a freaking spotlight. This “need”, is purely utilitarian, but the ones that I want will “have” to be stylish and match the other curtain in the room. Anyway, the notion of “need” in this society is entirely warped. I’m sorry, but absolutely nobody needs a $90 set of basic silverware from a high end retailer in a fancy, expensive mall. You eat with it. Pretty basic. 12 pieces of flatware are nowhere near that important. But the point to this is that somehow WHERE you get something is equally important to WHAT you get and WHO you’re showing off for.

That’s what all this is about, isn’t it? Being able to say how much you spent at what disgustingly overpriced store? The only reason I stepped foot into that place was because I was given a gift card as a housewarming gift from my realtor. The amount, while exceptionally generous in my opinion, could literally only buy a few little trinkets. Anything useful, it wouldn’t even dent it. I mean, for a piece of actual furniture, is at minimum in the $1000 range.

My personal mantra about “stuff” is simple. If I don’t need it for some reason, whether it’s a serious need or a perceived one, I don’t buy it. While shopping I try to make lists so that I don’t get distracted and frequently, I’ll walk around the store for a while holding the possible purchase, only to decide that I don’t need it and put it back. I’m not a fan of stuff that doesn’t serve a real purpose, which is likely the reason the house is quite minimal. You’d never guess that it’s “minimal” if you saw my desk, but almost all that stuff is papers of some kind. (Mostly school stuff)

The other conversation I had was about the title of this blog, being a unique and beautiful snowflake. This, in my opinion, is a direct correlation to why the younger generation might be one of the most technically savvy in human history, they are also the most socially awkward and ill prepared for reality, that has ever existed. Because we have spent so many years showing kids that they are comfortable and focusing so much on their feelings and emotional development… we have lost the sense of responsibility to create mature, functioning adults.

What I mean by this is that kids feel “entitled” in this day and age. If they don’t get what they want on a silver platter without so much as being forced to get off the couch/ computer/ tv to get it, they throw a fit or have a complete emotional meltdown. I’m sorry but this doesn’t exactly scream “I’m ready for reality” in our youth. I come from a generation where we played outside, climbed trees, built forts, stepped on rusty nails, played baseball without the right equipment and survived. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve come close to death just being a kid… but I’ve noticed that this phrase isn’t even applicable anymore. “Being a kid” these days is really living indoors on some sort of technology, not using your imagination or being creative outside the parameters of your plastic toys.

This, coupled with the entitlement issues, makes for an inadequate population. Kids grow up without social skills needed to do things, like get a good job, make sacrifices necessary to get “ahead” in career/ life roles. Nobody, in general, understands that life is riddled with extreme sacrifices, requires massive amounts of dedication and hard work, and is rife with disappointment. You can let these obstacles break you or you can let them shape you into a better person. It’s your choice. And yes, it is absolutely a choice. Life is suffering, you can choose to roll over and die or you can embrace it and grow.

All of my sopaboxing above does have a point. It even pertains to happiness and Right Speech. If you cannot roll with the punches, and believe me, the hits just keep coming for most of us… you will be miserable. Happiness is not an outward state of consumption or coddling. It’s a state of being within your self. Your ability to be at peace with the world is directly linked to that internal happiness (you know, the happiness that “stuff” can’t buy) and your feelings of self worth. Having a healthy understanding of true happiness and reality will lead you to real satisfaction. And these things are all wound up in Right Speech because I find it incredibly difficult to hold my tongue, be encouraging and positive when I see people who cannot be useful humans. They need tough love, if for no other reason, because the world IS A TOUGH PLACE. It’s not getting easier. Stand up and be strong or wither away… the choice to be happy and productive is yours and yours alone.

(http://www.futurity.org/society-culture/a-little-adversity-goes-a-long-way/)

(http://www.arealchange.com/blog/adversity-affects-life-business)

(http://moviesandsongs365.blogspot.com/2011/06/movie-of-week-fight-club-1999.html)

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“I Don’t Know How You Do It”

I hear these words regularly about myself from friends and family. They usually are referring to my schedule or how many things I’m usually juggling, but last week it was about my blasted car.

A long, annoying story made very short: I drive an old, beat up car that is feeling it’s age and has come into some mechanical issues, namely not starting when I want it to.

A little back story about myself: I’m the oldest child in my family, fiercely independent and discontent with being anything but self sufficient. Yes, this makes me incredibly stubborn and often very frustrated. So the car hadn’t been starting and I figured it was 1 (or more) of 3 things: battery, starter, alternator. I’ve had experience with all of these things and it took about a day of spotty starting and the occasional jump start to know it was the starter. The battery was changed, because as we know, if there’s not enough power, it won’t start even with the best mechanical parts known to mankind. Needless to say, $300, a battery, a starter (that is not the right one for the car, but the right one for the engine… that leads one to think that it wasn’t a “rebuilt” engine as we were told, but rather a “replaced” engine of a different type than the one that is original to the car) and boat loads of frustration later, the car is “fixed”. There also seems to be a bad battery connection in there somewhere too… but at least it starts (usually) when prompted.

How does this insane story of futility and uncooperative vehicles pertain to “I don’t know how you do it”? Well, I’ve heard this when I’ve told the story this week. Not only has it been because I knew the problem, almost right away, and that’s apparently unusual for a woman in this day and age, but also due to the fact that I’ve not killed anyone or let on in mixed company that I was furious. People at work commented on how I looked like I was far too calm to have just wasted 6 hours of my life wrenching on a car that was still immobile, or that I was sunburned beyond recognition. Yet I still had a smile on my face and was laughing.

I want to mention that inside, I was a complete wreck and I’d had a full on freak out before my friend brought me to work, several hours late. Outside, I have to put on the brave face. There’s nothing that I could do and being upset about it and letting the situation ruin my work day was not an option. But again, inside, I was a disaster.

Now how does this pertain to happiness and my happiness project goals this month? Simple. Instead of screaming, crying or cursing in frustration, anger and sadness, I made the conscious choice (albeit a very difficult one) to appear happy. It made the day go much better at work and afterward, simply because I wasn’t complaining or being overly negative. Yes, the situation sucked, but no, I was not going to let the car get the best of me anymore that day.

I feel better that I was able to put on the brave face, I feel stronger because of it. I feel more confident in my ability to look as though I’m not bothered. I honestly felt like I was going to explode, but after several people assured me that I looked calm and collected, I knew I was going to be ok.

I also feel much better that it got fixed, with the help of a few people, either physically or emotionally, I didn’t explode. For that, I’m truly thankful. And in all honesty… that is how I do it. I have the support of those close to me in times of struggle. Yes, I’m fiercely independent and I shun the thought that I “need” anyone or anything from anyone. However, in all reality, I’d never have made it this far in life without those forces present in my life. The help of others allows me to do anything I am able to do… and even some things I’m not able to do. It’s a blessing and I’m eternally grateful for that.

(The above is what my car would look like, if it weren’t all beat to hell)

(http://theeverydaywarrior.com/2012/05/04/i-am-stubborn-and-i-know-it/)

4

Communication and Right Speech

Right speech can go one of two ways in my opinion: 1) You speak only when you have something to say that is honest, wholesome, encouraging, constructive, positive or any combination thereof, or 2) You say nothing unless you have to. For several weeks, I attempted to make option 1 my goal.

However, I realized rather quickly that well, I’m a human being and I’m going to be harsh, critical, and negative sometimes. It’s difficult to be positive in speech when you’re angry or frustrated. I know, I’ve tried. Lately, I’ve taken to just not talking in general. Unless I’m chatting with a friend or someone, I’m just not interested in talking much.

The problem with this is that I feel as if I’m becoming more and more isolated. Yes, I’m staying out of considerable amounts of drama that is of no concern to me, but at the same time, I feel like I’m missing opportunities to engage others in dialog. This, to me, is lacking in the modern Western culture… with texting, email, the internet… people don’t often take the chance to speak face-to-face with other humans. How else are people, especially young people, going to learn to communicate with others in work, school and their personal lives? How else are people going to learn the nonverbal cues of communication that often is much more telling than their words?

Here’s what I’ve been quite introspective about as of late: How can I communicate best in a particular situation? Is it to not say anything, to share my opinion in a cautious and caring way, or is to be open and honest while considering the feelings of the person to whom I’m speaking? I’ve been trying these out in situations where I think they’ll best fit and overall I think I’m doing pretty well.

At work, where I have an abundance of time to think about anything and everything, I’ve essentially stopped talking. My work is such that chatting to make the time pass is common and people are regularly joking and sharing details of their lives. I have opted to stay out of these conversations, aside from the occasional lighthearted comment. This has an unfortunate side effect… the days DRAG on. I find myself watching the clock compulsively.

That is not to say that I have not had very deep and interesting talks with people at my job, because I most certainly have. But these discussions are during breaks or after the brunt of the work load has been completed. I enjoy these types of conversations more than any idle chit chat throughout the day could ever compare to.

I feel as if talking one on one with someone about higher level topics (and sometimes nothing more than a tee-shirt tan line) enables me to connect with those parts of communication that mean so much. Being able to share ideas and thoughts, even if they may not match my own, respectfully and thoughtfully is something I didn’t realize I was missing until I consciously brought more of it into my life.

Recently I saw a picture of what someone spray painted under a bridge. The words said “Fear is a liar”. This struck a deep chord with me because I am not immune from fear and it frequently rules my life. This is something that has made it often difficult to communicate with any degree of courage or strength. In a way, it’s become my new mantra and using those words has allowed me to overcome fear in a few situations where I needed to communicate courageously and clearly.

Anyway, this is what I’ve figured out so far in my quest: fear holds you back from being able to communicate directly and courageously, idle chatter is often nothing more than a time filler, finding people to share ideas with is crucial to Right Speech because it allows agreement and disagreement to happen and for me to act accordingly, and courage is a much larger part of communication and Right Speech than I ever imagined.

(http://www.soulschoolonline.com/2012/03/communications-perceptions-assumptions-oh-my/)

(http://inspiredwednesdays.blogspot.com/2012/01/fear-is-liar.html)

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Right Speech-Update

I’ve got about 3 weeks to feel like I’m making progress in my goals this time around.

I have to admit that I’ve been crabby and swearing has been difficult to abstain from, however I’m doing really well at not participating in gossip. I could probably be more complementary, but I’ve definitely been more aware of sharing my positive feelings with those that need them. I’ve also refrained from nagging and chosen my words more carefully, as needed.

One thing that I can’t say that I’m perfecting is my ability to not make myself look stupid. I’m sure that it’s mostly my neurotic self over analyzing every single word I say, since, let’s face it… I care more than I let on about what people think of me. I say something that I think is stupid or sounds much better in my head than how it sounds coming out of my mouth. It’s an unfortunate affliction. Sometimes in conversation, I almost want to bail out as soon as possible because I will ramble or say something dumb and embarrass myself. I’m trying to stop worrying so much about looking dumb, but I’m a perfectionist and that’s a work in progress.

Here’s to making another attempt tomorrow! Cheers!

(http://www.smileyme.com/lprod.asp?lookup=1196)

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