Month: June 2017

Intelligence and the gift

I came across a brief video online today about the 6 things that prevent intelligent people from being happy. Of course, considering myself a smart person, I watched it. It was less than a minute long, because, come on now. There’s no way we’ve got time in our busy lives to watch something much longer than a minute.

Anyway, the following things are what this video (substantiated by unknown sources):

  • Overthinking
  • Having high standards
  • Being hard on oneself
  • Reality isn’t enough (always looking for meaning, lessons, or purpose)
  • Feeling alone or misunderstood
  • Higher IQ’s have been linked to psychological issues like anxiety and depression

So of course, since I’m an intelligent person, all of these things resonate with me. I am notorious for basically every single thing on this list. But the question is, does it inhibit my happiness to a certain degree? You betcha. All the time.

I agonize about virtually all aspects of my life, internally and externally. It’s an impossible position. I can never be good enough, nor can anyone else. Every single misstep, I turn it over and over and over and over in my mind. All the things that I should have said differently, done differently. Every bit of it. It’s extremely stressful to be human. I feel as though it cannot possibly be just me who does this. Other people, regardless of intellect, MUST have a similar human experience, right?

I watched another brief video the other day about sacrifice versus “giving”. For instance, giving your time to a cause that you feel passionate about is a gift. But feeling obligated to go to a function because it’s expected of you is sacrificing your happiness or your desires, which is placing you as a victim, rather than a benefactor of your time and energy. This also struck a chord with me. I often find myself in situations in which I feel pressured to attend or to do something that I’m not particularly interested in. Like going to a birthday party where I am going to be ignored by the hosts because other guests are “more demanding” and require doting, where I will not know anyone else, or the other attendees are generally unpleasant to me.

Attending this party feels forced. I’m not going to enjoy myself, and the other people around me aren’t going to be enjoying my presence. It’ll be awkward and lame for us all. However, because I feel guilty and other people place blame on me for “not supporting” the person who’s birthday it is. So I go to the thing. I sit there quietly, until it’s acceptable for me to quietly bow out. This is sacrificing my time, my energy, and my dignity, since I am a grown-ass woman who cannot set and maintain healthy boundaries with people.

Meanwhile, the same weekend there’s another birthday party. This party I’m excited about. This one is for a person that I really enjoy spending time with. I also like their family, who will also be attending. These folks like me and my family. We can sit and bullshit for hours and I love it. I literally cannot get enough of this group of people. This is a gift. I’m receiving a gift by attending. I get the gift of surrounding myself with people who appreciate my presence not only at their party, but also in their lives. Not only do they bring value to my life, but I theirs.

Being of value is something that I personally hold very dear. I don’t buy things that I do not need, because the things I purchase must bring value to my life. They must be useful and enrich my life in some way. I feel the same about the people in our lives. If they don’t enrich us and make us better people, they are a sacrifice, not a gift. Constantly sacrificing for the sake of others leaves us hollow shells. It does not give us the opportunity to enrich the lives of others or to bring value to those around us. We cannot share our gifts, and that is a shame indeed.

Sunrise
4:45am
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Worry and the art of letting go

Anxiety, worry, fretting, and similar feelings or actions are really just the inability for human beings to let go of something. It could be a person, a situation, the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”… but the crux is that there is something that we are attached to, that we cannot let go of.

I am just as, if not more so, guilty of this. I have severe anxiety about things that are TOTALLY out of my control. It’s so very easy for me to point out to other people, their turmoil and anguish is simply because they won’t let go of something. I recognize these traits in myself all the time, but I often feel powerless to stop the train. I end up rolling things over and over and over in my head, obsessing until things are blown so far out of proportion that it barely is recognizable to the initial problem. So not only can’t I let go of something, but I also explode it until it’s a mountain, instead of a molehill.

Clearly, not all issues are “molehills”. Some things that cause stress are exactly the opposite of a molehill. Some of the things in our lives are literally life and death. These things are not what I’m talking about here. Very serious issues warrant a certain amount of “letting go” too, but often come with a number of smaller problems that also must be dealt with.

However, with all things, there’s perceptions and levels of sensitivity. It’s important to focus on SOLVING the problems, rather than obsessing over how they’re impacting your life. The best way to “let go” is to solve the problem, so that it goes away. Dwelling has never solved a problem in and of itself, nor has holding on to pain and hurt feelings. I know many people who are close to me that are literally giving themselves physical health problems due to their inability to let go of pain. Old relationships, “what-ifs” and more have caused debilitating anxiety, heart issues, weight gain, fatigue, depression and more in these folks. It’s painful to watch from the outside, and it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of their struggle.

It’s extraordinarily hard to be an empath, dealing with your own struggles in this life, to then be the dumping ground for other people. This causes worry for both of us. In now in your boat, feeling what you feel… stressing with you. It makes you feel better that I’m there to comfort you, but it makes people around you feel worse. Letting go of the need to rescue those in need is a serious struggle toward self-care. It’s a battle I often lose for the sake of being “there” for those that I love. And the struggle is real.

I don’t have any advice for learning to let go, however, recognizing is the first step I guess. But I can say for sure that I’m good at recognizing but bad at letting things go, and also creating healthy boundaries. It’s something I work on daily.

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