Category: July/ August

Meditation and email are hard

Meditation is hard, I think.

Or is it? I am someone who struggles with sitting still. Relaxing is a monumental task. Quieting my mind is Sisyphus worthy. However, this is exactly why I am forcing myself to do it. Really, “forcing” isn’t exactly accurate. I’m excited to be embarking this adventure, truthfully. I’m all about bettering myself and creating the best version of myself every day. Since I’m not in competition with anyone, I simply seek to be better than I was yesterday. However, meditation is still hard, in a way. 

Recently, I’ve listened to several audiobooks (thank you, library) about meditation and manifestation, as in many ways there are overlaps with the methodology between the two concepts. I’ve listened to books about chanting meditations, spiritual meditations, secular meditation practices, and how to manifest one’s own destiny. Not only have I taken the pieces from each of these works that resonates with me, but I’ve discarded the parts that are at odds with my beliefs or ethics. 

For instance, I was listening to a book yesterday and the author prescribes a “diet” during what he describes as a spiritual cleanse. You are supposed to follow this diet while doing this particular regimen. The foods in this diet are limited in scope, for a purpose, according to the writer, however, I am a long-time vegetarian and vegan. He recommends eschewing vegan beliefs for the sake of the cleanse, to which I promptly said, “Not fucking happening”. I’m unapologetically vegan and no doctor is going to suggest that I’m more important than the life of the animals they are trying to get me to eat. Sorry, bro.

Because I subscribe to no dogmatic religious order, I can read and take lessons from all the sage philosophers throughout the ages. I get to glean lessons taught by Jesus, Gandhi, Buddha, Confucius, Copernicus, Plato, Einstein, and Galileo. Plus, anyone else that I see fit. I don’t have to follow a religion to find lessons in their teachings. Being a non-theist is awesome that way. I believe that there are lessons in all things, including my meditation practice. 

In many ways, I believe intense focus on a thing, whether it’s chanting, breathing, non-thinking, or whatever I’m choosing to use during that meditation session is a means to enlightenment and self-mastery. I also think that writing can be a form of meditation, as can walking, or skating, or dancing, and countless other avenues. The ways to enlightenment are vast. There simply cannot be just one method that is “right” for everyone. And even if there was, I’m positive that I could never do it that way. I just cannot find it in myself to do the things that everyone else are doing. It’s not who I am at my core. I’m not wired that way. And I think that’s something that many people struggle with during meditation. People are taught a way of doing it and are convinced that it’s the ONLY way. When it doesn’t work for them, or they struggle, they get down on themselves for not doing it “right”. I know that this was me not very long ago. But here’s the secret… the “right” way, is the way that works. If you find that doing something a certain way doesn’t feel right, do the thing differently. Find a way to do anything and everything that works for you. If it works for you, how can it be “wrong”? Right? 

In my old Buddhist temple, one of the discussion leaders was frequently saying to the group discussion participants, and I’m assuming it’s from a Buddhist text that I’ve not read (there are many), that there are 108,000 ways to become enlightened. Who’s to say there are not many more? Find the path that is designed for you, and if there isn’t one, forge your own. No matter what, don’t stop trying to find the things that work for you specifically. Do not bend to the will of others if it is unsustainable. It will leave you angry, weak, misshapen, and often-times, broken. Find your path and it will not be quite as hard to walk it. Meditation is something that I look forward to now, because I get to experiment with what will help me quiet my busy brain, and also deepen my soul’s connection with all things.

P.s. I wrote this yesterday, but forgot to email it to myself from my work computer. 😑

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Some thoughts on gratitude

Grateful seems such a trite simplification of what it is that I feel these days. Upon searching for synonyms for the word, thankful, beholden, pleased, and indebted came across. Still, none of these feels like the right word… Appreciative, contented, happy, satisfied, charmed… that’s getting closer.

Regardless of the triviality of the words by which we are limited, I am indeed, overcome with deep gratitude for where things are in my life. Is daily life on this rock difficult? Sure thing. Do I get worn down by the daily grind? You betcha. Do I feel a constant stirring in my gut telling me that I’m on the right path, albeit restlessly? Absofuckinglutely. There is not a fiber of my being that is telling me I should be elsewhere, for maybe the first time in my life. I am currently creating the life I’ve always dreamed of, not necessarily where I thought I would, and certainly not with whom I ever thought possible. But that’s the fun of creating something you’ve never created before. The surprises. 

I am not one to be surprised by much, simply because I have seen and done many things that are stranger than fiction. However, once in a while, I am awestruck by the strangeness that my life has become. I have been driving to work in my car, and thought to myself, “How. The Hell. Did. I. Get. Here.” I say this to my partner several times a week, it seems. How did we get here? With all the twists and turns and shake-ups… we ended up here, in this space together. It’s very bizarre. But I am grateful. 

I’m overcome with gratitude when I pick up my daughter from my sister’s house every day after work. She comes running out the door, yelling “Mommy! Mommy! You’re back!” and I tell her, “Yes, baby. I will always come back for you.” Pure bliss is on her face, so excited to see me after a long day of playing with cousins she’s just recently met, and a loving family that have been too far away until we moved across the country for better opportunities. 

I am showered in gratitude, like waves in the ocean, the feeling of love and connectedness washes over me in these simple moments. Holding my kiddo, waking up with my partner, relaxing on the couch with the dogs and cats. All of these simple joys are what my soul has needed recently, after the months of anxiety and stress, the challenges I’ve recently had to face. After losing almost everything, I can only live in a place of love and gratitude. There’s no other place to inhabit. I have been blessed with exactly the life that I’m meant to have.

And by no means is this post meant to be braggadocious. Quite the opposite, actually. I firmly believe that if I am deserving of everything my heart has truly desired, a simple, beautiful life… it can be had be anyone. We ALL DESERVE to have a simple life, full of love, devotion, gratitude and grace. We just have to let it in, and let the bullshit wash off. Happiness is a choice. The Universe WANTS that for us. We just have to choose it. I choose happy every single day. You can too.

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Like a Phoenix

After being burnt to cinders, the Phoenix of lore, rises out of the ashes and soars with renewed grace and exuberance. However, in none of these stories do they say how long it takes. Nor do they mention, how many times, exactly, this can or will happen. Does the Phoenix have nine lives, like the cat? Or is this rebirth continual, until it learns some sort of lesson about the great beyond or life on this plane? These are the questions I ask myself in fleeting thoughts when thinking about my own story. As a Buddhist, I believe that rebirth happens, until we reach enlightenment. There are spiritual disagreements in the Buddhist world, about when that can or will happen, and by what means. But the overarching belief is that yes, we can be reborn. 

In this body, I have lived many lives. These former lives I’ve inhabited seem so long ago and hazy, like a lucid dream. But I know that I lived them. I take with me from these lives, the knowledge and experiences in which formed the adult that I’ve become and will help shape the woman I’m becoming every day. It’s strange to think that once I was a child, a rebellious teenager, a young adult, a wife- twice, and now I’m none of those things. But rather, I’m a survivor, a warrior, a mother, a partner, and an empath… just to rattle off a few things that I’ve turned into over the years. 

Much of my mental space has been occupied by manifesting the life I am meant to live, since for entirely too long, I lived a life that did not excite me. I created things that excited me, a business, a network of friends, a family, but I was stuck in the doldrum of a life without fire and passion. I cannot think of a slower, more exhausting path toward death. So, in my spiritual practice, I’ve decided to focus more on meditation. I’ve committed to meditating every day for 40 days. Spiritual leaders of multiple faiths have all come to this “40 day” thing, as a means of connecting with what I will call the Universe. Some people call this God/dess, or Source. Regardless of the choice in word we use to describe the same essential things, for some reason in many texts, 40 days is the sweet spot. Therefore, I’ve chosen that length of time for this initial phase of my practice. 

In addition to the meditation challenge that I’ve set out for myself, I’ve decided that I need to up my game. I have very much gotten lazy in a number of ways. Instead of taking the 40 days to just do a single challenge, I’m going to create my “Life Overhaul Bootcamp”. In this challenge, I’m not just going to meditate daily for at least 5 minutes. I’m also going to write at least 500 words a day (almost there right now). But wait, there’s more. Since I’m 100% a glutton for punishment, I’m also committing to do a little bit of exercise every day too. I’m short on time these days, because kiddo and work, and home, and life… but I’m committing to do all these things in like, 30-45 minutes a day. A quick workout, some meditation, and a little writing (blogging, in this case). 

I’m over feeling stagnant, like nothing is changing (despite quite literally everything changing recently). I want internal growth, maturing, and conditioning. Outwardly, I’ve got shit together. Everything’s coming up Millhouse (for all you Simpsons fans), but I’ve got a lot of things that I want to make better, and that starts with me. I want to feel calmer and more confident. I want to feel more secure in myself. I want to have better self-mastery. I want to hone my writing and develop my “brand” better. This will force me to do exactly that. I’m excited for this challenge, and I’m so grateful for where my life is at. My kiddo is happy and thriving. I’m challenged and successful doing what I’m doing. I can’t wait to see what’s coming up next.

Be sure to check in on my progress with not just the writing portion, but also the meditating and so on. I’ll be holding myself accountable here as well as celebrating my successes.

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Cycles

5 years ago today, I wrote a blog on honesty. It can be found here.

Today, I wrote something personal, and now, I’m writing something public.

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The oddity of cycles is something I’ve always been fascinated by. I find it fascinating that I have similar life experiences during the same times of year, often times, for many years. Similar things happen to people during similar times. It’s pretty weird.

Looking back to where I was last year, the year before, 4-6 years ago, I have the same heavy heart. So many things are happening to where life is squarely “in flux”, but the timing could be crappier. I’ve got a lot of important dates in the summer and all I want to do is nothing, or at least swim my life away. I want to spend time with those I love, and not be worried about stupid adult obligations. My heart is full of love, but heavy from the weight of life. It’s enough to consume a person. But at the same time, I feel hollow and empty.

So the questions are this: 1) What does this all have to do with happiness, since this is a happiness blog, after all? And 2) What does honesty have to do with anything?

To answer #1, it’s really quite simple. Happiness is not just the act of thinking positively, or acting happy all the time. It’s striking the balance between what we want, what we are, and where we are in life.  Which leads to #2: Being honest with yourself is the first step toward being honest with the world. Living as your authentic self and representing yourself honestly and kindly to the world are just as important as only allowing the truth escaping your lips. It’s a tight rope to walk and if you’re not careful, you will end up on the pavement. It’s difficult to keep going when the rope wobbles, but once you’re out on the rope, you are at risk, and you can go forward or backwards, but it’s extremely difficult to stand still. Standing still is certain death, and it’s not respecting the rope (life) or the walk. Only when we live honestly and authentically in all things, while walking gently through this life can we really appreciate that the wobbles remind us that we’re alive.

What would we learn if things were easy? If we just walked through each day without resistance? First, it would be boring as shit, and second, we would never learn a thing about ourselves or about the world. We’d never have the opportunity to find our inner selves, our inner strength, the strength to keep moving forward… so many things would be lost without turbulence.

During times of stress and chaos, I find myself trying to reflect on these ideals. It brings life back into perspective and reminds me that I’m still learning and that I’m still alive. I don’t “feel” alive some days, but it’s only when I’m just going through the motions. Don’t just go through the motions.

Thanks for reading!

 

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This challenge has been a challenge

For the last few weeks, everything that could go wrong has managed to go wrong. Emotions have been running high, and I’ve been rocking 3-5 hours of sleep a night thanks to my daughter doing whatever it is that babies do when they’re not sleeping. I’ve faltered a time or 12. I’m cussed, I’ve lost my temper, I’ve cried, and mentally cursed Tony Robbins. Of course, I made this decision and ultimately, I feel good about the choices I’ve made. I feel like this challenge has sparked me to make positive changes in my thinking, speaking, and actions on a daily basis. It’s allowed me the skills and determination to slow down, and become more consciously aware of how I’m interacting with the outside world. The inside world still needs a lot of work and support, but things are getting better on the surface. That’s the face I put into the world and it’s important that I put my best face forward. The internal stuff will come in time. Changing a lifetime of internal monologue is no easy task, nor will it just happen in a flash. But I’m confident that I’ll get there.

I know that the world has been a tough one for my bestie lately too. She’s been overworked and underappreciated at her job, and taxed by homework and her daughter being in high school certainly hasn’t helped her stress level, but I know, like everything else, she’s kicking ass. I know she might be feeling like she’s struggling, and adding one more thing to the mix seems daunting. But I know that everything will balance out for her and I both very soon.

I’m so grateful for everything that I have in my life and that I’m healthy. I’m thankful that my bestie is such a great friend who supports me and our endeavors with such grace. I’m thankful that I’ve got a three day weekend with my family too. I miss my kid during the week and it’s the last weekend that I get with her for a couple months due to some personal enrichment classes I’m taking. It’ll be challenging to basically be busy 7 days a week outside the house, but it’s going to be for the best. Not only will it be for personal gain, but mental and hopefully professionally too. Great things are just on the horizon and I’m excited to see what happens.

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