Category: May/June

The world I know

There’s a song by the band Collective Soul with the same title as this blog entry. You can find it on YouTube HERE. Do yourself a favor, if you’re unfamiliar with the song, and check it out. It has gotten me through some very dark times in my life, and I feel like we are experiencing some of those currently around the world.

So, for the last several months, I’ve been not writing or blogging. Part of this was intentional. I have seen what other people in the coaching and “happiness” space have been doing, and I decided not to do the same. I have only been posting a motivational message on my coaching blog, more or less daily.

Anyway, the reason for this has been that I honestly didn’t have anything to contribute. That’s not to say that I don’t have an opinion, or feelings. Quite the opposite actually. I’m experiencing many of the same things as everyone worldwide at the moment, and I didn’t believe that I could contribute to the dialogue in a meaningful way. I have always been honest with my readers, and I felt as if I’d be doing each of you a disservice by spouting off some toxic happiness nonsense, or trying to make you feel bad for not coming out of quarantine with a college degree, million-dollar business idea, or some savvy new skill. That’s not my role here and it never will be. I typically only write when I feel I have something of value to share.

However, as time has marched on, I’ve realized that the feeling of “now I have something” is not likely to come in ways that I normally recognize, because as I mentioned, we’re all having a whole lot of shit going on right now. My voice may never be relevant, or I hope, it can speak to you directly and we can share a conversation.

In these trying times, which in the United States began early this year with COVID-19, and the extreme political atmosphere that created, we’ve been asked to move about the world very differently. The “normal” way of life has been cast aside for this new thing we call life. There are a great deal of things that needed to change, and are still rapidly changing as I write this. COVID really set the kindling, and the feelings around the death of George Floyd, which has sparked worldwide protesting and now, in the Twin Cities where I call home, it has spurred violence and military actions. This is a whole new world for us. It can never go back to “normal” for us to have learned from all of these recent events of 2020. If they do go back to that old way, there’s really just no hope for us.

Just a week ago, if you’d have told me that not only would there be riots in the streets across the world, but this would all be with the pandemic as a backdrop, I’d never have believed you. I never would have believed that there would be Neo-Nazi’s roaming my street at night trying to find houses to burn, or that the military would be guarding the hospital right down the street. I’d never believed that my city and cities all over would be burning to the ground. It’s an incredibly surreal time for us all. But there’s one thing that I would have believed and believe right this minute as I sit at my kitchen table typing away before my daughter wakes up, and it’s that people show up for each other. Right now, there are neighbors sweeping up the mess, donating food to those in need, protecting their streets in makeshift ways… but the fact is, they are showing up. They are stepping up. There’s a little bodega near us, and the owner has become a friend of ours. I check in with him, because he’s only 3 blocks from one of the hardest hit areas of violence. The stores that I used to shop at have been leveled. But he is still going to work everyday and offering food to anyone whether or not they can pay. There are restaurants that are giving away free hot food to the people clearing the wreckage. There are people donating food to schools and houses of worship, donating money to the rebuilding of our precious small businesses. They are all SHOWING UP.

There is nothing that I can say to better articulate the resiliency of the human spirit. Communities are coming together to fight injustice, to fight the fascists, and to clean up the mess left behind. I’m grateful for my community. They inspire me to do better and to BE better.

Am I ok right now? Sure, I guess. I sleep with my daughter in bed, because her room is street side and I don’t feel safe with her so close to the road. We are minutes away from the state capital, so everything there, the protests, the shootings, we are very close to. My partner stays up all night on “fire watch” listening to a police scanner and weapons, to protect our home from looting and possible arson. I stay up with him until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. I am still working during all of this, at home, thankfully. So I have to be able to sort of function as an employee and show up for my daughter who is not currently in school. We went from pretty much weaponless in our home, to sleeping in a room with guns at arm’s reach. Or the same kitchen table I work at during the day, gets converted to a damage control station equipped with the following: laptop, two-way radios, emergency medical kit, and rifle. We have bags packed of important things, like my work computer and our passports. This is no longer a world I recognize. But like the Phoenix, you have to burn to ash to be reborn, right? I feel like this is what’s happening. I don’t have a single clue what the days bring, but can say for certain that it’s not going back to “normal”.

Thank you for readiing.

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Intelligence and the gift

I came across a brief video online today about the 6 things that prevent intelligent people from being happy. Of course, considering myself a smart person, I watched it. It was less than a minute long, because, come on now. There’s no way we’ve got time in our busy lives to watch something much longer than a minute.

Anyway, the following things are what this video (substantiated by unknown sources):

  • Overthinking
  • Having high standards
  • Being hard on oneself
  • Reality isn’t enough (always looking for meaning, lessons, or purpose)
  • Feeling alone or misunderstood
  • Higher IQ’s have been linked to psychological issues like anxiety and depression

So of course, since I’m an intelligent person, all of these things resonate with me. I am notorious for basically every single thing on this list. But the question is, does it inhibit my happiness to a certain degree? You betcha. All the time.

I agonize about virtually all aspects of my life, internally and externally. It’s an impossible position. I can never be good enough, nor can anyone else. Every single misstep, I turn it over and over and over and over in my mind. All the things that I should have said differently, done differently. Every bit of it. It’s extremely stressful to be human. I feel as though it cannot possibly be just me who does this. Other people, regardless of intellect, MUST have a similar human experience, right?

I watched another brief video the other day about sacrifice versus “giving”. For instance, giving your time to a cause that you feel passionate about is a gift. But feeling obligated to go to a function because it’s expected of you is sacrificing your happiness or your desires, which is placing you as a victim, rather than a benefactor of your time and energy. This also struck a chord with me. I often find myself in situations in which I feel pressured to attend or to do something that I’m not particularly interested in. Like going to a birthday party where I am going to be ignored by the hosts because other guests are “more demanding” and require doting, where I will not know anyone else, or the other attendees are generally unpleasant to me.

Attending this party feels forced. I’m not going to enjoy myself, and the other people around me aren’t going to be enjoying my presence. It’ll be awkward and lame for us all. However, because I feel guilty and other people place blame on me for “not supporting” the person who’s birthday it is. So I go to the thing. I sit there quietly, until it’s acceptable for me to quietly bow out. This is sacrificing my time, my energy, and my dignity, since I am a grown-ass woman who cannot set and maintain healthy boundaries with people.

Meanwhile, the same weekend there’s another birthday party. This party I’m excited about. This one is for a person that I really enjoy spending time with. I also like their family, who will also be attending. These folks like me and my family. We can sit and bullshit for hours and I love it. I literally cannot get enough of this group of people. This is a gift. I’m receiving a gift by attending. I get the gift of surrounding myself with people who appreciate my presence not only at their party, but also in their lives. Not only do they bring value to my life, but I theirs.

Being of value is something that I personally hold very dear. I don’t buy things that I do not need, because the things I purchase must bring value to my life. They must be useful and enrich my life in some way. I feel the same about the people in our lives. If they don’t enrich us and make us better people, they are a sacrifice, not a gift. Constantly sacrificing for the sake of others leaves us hollow shells. It does not give us the opportunity to enrich the lives of others or to bring value to those around us. We cannot share our gifts, and that is a shame indeed.

Sunrise
4:45am
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Worry and the art of letting go

Anxiety, worry, fretting, and similar feelings or actions are really just the inability for human beings to let go of something. It could be a person, a situation, the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”… but the crux is that there is something that we are attached to, that we cannot let go of.

I am just as, if not more so, guilty of this. I have severe anxiety about things that are TOTALLY out of my control. It’s so very easy for me to point out to other people, their turmoil and anguish is simply because they won’t let go of something. I recognize these traits in myself all the time, but I often feel powerless to stop the train. I end up rolling things over and over and over in my head, obsessing until things are blown so far out of proportion that it barely is recognizable to the initial problem. So not only can’t I let go of something, but I also explode it until it’s a mountain, instead of a molehill.

Clearly, not all issues are “molehills”. Some things that cause stress are exactly the opposite of a molehill. Some of the things in our lives are literally life and death. These things are not what I’m talking about here. Very serious issues warrant a certain amount of “letting go” too, but often come with a number of smaller problems that also must be dealt with.

However, with all things, there’s perceptions and levels of sensitivity. It’s important to focus on SOLVING the problems, rather than obsessing over how they’re impacting your life. The best way to “let go” is to solve the problem, so that it goes away. Dwelling has never solved a problem in and of itself, nor has holding on to pain and hurt feelings. I know many people who are close to me that are literally giving themselves physical health problems due to their inability to let go of pain. Old relationships, “what-ifs” and more have caused debilitating anxiety, heart issues, weight gain, fatigue, depression and more in these folks. It’s painful to watch from the outside, and it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of their struggle.

It’s extraordinarily hard to be an empath, dealing with your own struggles in this life, to then be the dumping ground for other people. This causes worry for both of us. In now in your boat, feeling what you feel… stressing with you. It makes you feel better that I’m there to comfort you, but it makes people around you feel worse. Letting go of the need to rescue those in need is a serious struggle toward self-care. It’s a battle I often lose for the sake of being “there” for those that I love. And the struggle is real.

I don’t have any advice for learning to let go, however, recognizing is the first step I guess. But I can say for sure that I’m good at recognizing but bad at letting things go, and also creating healthy boundaries. It’s something I work on daily.

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Good things happen to bad people…

I often find myself wondering exactly how it is that bad things happen to some of the most wonderful people and how great things can happen to some of the Earth’s most abhorrent.

I have this overwhelming sense that the world should be “fair” but simply isn’t and shit happens to people who are largely undeserving. Recently I read an article that tackled this exact thing. So, part of the hangup about bad things happening to good people is that we see the world as “just” or have a deep sense of “justice”, and good things for bad people is contrary to that ideal. However, this article posits that YES, the world is in fact “fair”. Simply put, the Law of Attraction- we create our own reality.

In essence, even if horrible people BELIEVE they are deserving of good things, they’ll get them. And on the flip side, if amazing people BELIEVE they’re not worthy of all that the universe has to offer, they’ll simply attract the negative things they worry about. Like attracts Like.

Now, the rationalist in me says that’s total bullshit, because again, justice. I mean, I cannot fathom that when horrible things happen: poverty, assault, kidnapping, murder, etc. these people are “asking for it” in the form of attracting it with their “vibrations”. That simply cannot reconcile in my head. At the same time, I’ve seen people quite literally manifest miracles out of thin air. The dream job, a sudden windfall, and more, have fallen into the laps of people, myself included.

So that really begs the question: Why cannot good things happen to only the “good” people? This is assuming that the construct of good and bad are based on sort of the collective conscious that things like rape, murder, theft, lying, etc are bad and charity, selflessness, joy, service, honesty, trust, etc are good things. Are they just not positive enough about themselves?

The article goes on to point out horrible employees as an example. How is it that shitty people who do nothing but brag, step on others, are disrespectful, and more manage to be continually promoted and held in high regard within organizations? It’s because they are CONVINCED that they’re great, so much so that they never shut up about their achievements, and they truly BELIEVE they deserve it, despite their clear character flaws. Whereas the “good” people, tend to be humble, with a deep sense of humility and candor. Rather than bragging and stepping on others, they will generally SHARE the accolades with their teams, or humbly and quietly stay out of the limelight.

So, my natural train of thought is how can one be humble and true to oneself, while also attracting good things? In other words, how can I gain and still not be a dick? Personally, I’ve found this a tough balance to walk. I am not one to brag about my achievements, but at the same time, I know that I am deserving of good things. I’m convinced that I still need to work on shifting my mindset to really solidify my stance that A) I am deserving of all the good things the universe has to offer and B) That I can still be humble while knowing this fact.

Thanks for reading!

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Let go, or be dragged

The title of this entry is that of a Zen proverb that I recently read and it rang very true to me. This, as any long time reader knows, is something that I struggle with; letting go. I’m a Type A personality, therefore control, being uptight, and regularly stressed out are common symptoms of my being. But recently, I’ve become much more humbled, as things that are wholly out of my control have begun to dictate my life. Granted, I shouldn’t “let outside forces DICTATE my life”, but as I casually say frequently, life. happened. And by life happening, I mean that finances change, relationships change, the climate changes. None of these things can I directly control. If I could, the world would be a very different place, but alas, I digress.

As I see it, because of all these significant changes around me, I want to exert more control over the things around me that I may or may not be able to control. For instance, I feel like things outside my home are extremely chaotic at the moment, which means that I want more order and structure IN the home. My husband and pets probably like this very little, but I feel better. I am currently having some health issues, so I colored my hair. My husband and I are at an impasse currently about hair. He’s not “allowed” to cut his until he “let’s” me cut mine. He was less than thrilled about the coloring aspect, but I’m sorry, I need some grey coverage.

These are just a few examples of how I’m trying to take back control of my environment, considering it seems like nothing more than shifting sand beneath my feet. What I wouldn’t give to regain some of the things that I’ve recently lost, time, money, control… whatever. But here’s where it gets tricky. If I am amble to control or influence everything, would anything change for the better? Would I progress into my most authentic self, without there being a series of conflicts? I’ve read and heard that we do our best soul-searching and most significant positive growth after periods of hardship or struggle. If that’s the case, I think I’m going to be Wonder Woman by the time I’m out of this blasted tunnel, but again, I digress.

There’s a song by the band Modest Mouse that I think of every time I’m feeling down or out of control in regards to the vast amounts of crap I endure on a regular basis. The lyric goes “If life’s not beautiful without the pain, then I’d rather just never see beauty again…”. Often times when you’re in the trench, in the darkness of life happening to you, rather than with or for you, I just can’t shake the idea that sometimes, the hardships are just not worth it. The adage or “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” may very well be true, but it also makes people harder, and often times more cynical. I feel like the rocks in the ocean that eventually, after decades of getting pummeled by the sea, end up shattering into billions of pieces along the shore.

But I think this is where the letting go part applies. Without letting go, you will be shattered into a billion pieces, slowly but surely. Letting go allows you to float in the sea, being tossed around, rather than ground into dust. I’ve yet to really decide which I prefer, the steadfast nature of the cliff that slowly erodes into the sand, or the pebble that breaks away to be carried off by the tide to unknown places. I can say for sure that I’m tired either way. I’m tired of holding on, and I’m tired of the unknown surprises that come along in the surf.

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