Category: May/June

Happiness and Depression

Hello again!

Today I would like to write about something that I know I’ve touched on before, but has sparked me to make some changes in my daily life. First let me begin by saying that I have battled depression for most of my life. I was 14 when I asked my mother if I could go to therapy because I was so unhappy, but by no means did it begin then. I think it started when I was 8 or 9 years old, largely in part to my parents splitting up. Prior to that, I was an excellent student, outgoing and participatory. I will add, that I was also bullied because I was extremely tall for my age and we were very poor, so I was picked on A LOT. I then became a bully, because, well, I wasn’t going to let someone get the jump on me.

Anyway, by the time my parents finally split up I immediately internalized it, believing that there was something that I could have done better to keep them together. They should have probably never BEEN together in the first place, but then I’d never be here to share my story either. So there’s that. I started to withdraw from things I once enjoyed and came very close to failing out of elementary school, though writing was probably what saved me because it came easy to me. I was in gifted programs and special classes, but I struggled to even care. I did everything I was supposed to because my family would accept nothing less and honestly, they could be scary.

My mother was largely absent due to working 80-100 hours a week, putting herself through nursing school and everything. My father had a new wife, so we were more of an obligation to them. So in the care of our babysitter, who was also our grandfather, my brother and I basically only had each other. My grandfather’s version of babysitting was not letting us out of his sight, which meant many, many days and weeks of watching TV game shows and the news.

When I got older and was able to care for myself, I began to be rebellious probably because I had rarely been let outside. I need do stretch my legs, so to speak. I drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, did drugs, partied… you name it, all before I was out of high school. Granted, I was one of the most responsible people I knew (and still know), because I have spent the majority of my life taking responsibility for things that are not mine to internalize. But that’s what I do. I have to be honest here and say that since I was a kid suicide always seemed like a viable option, but my failed and ignorant attempts only made the depression I felt worse.

When I was 19, I did not drive a car because I could not afford one. I borrowed my friend’s car to take my driving test. I had driven her car once, maybe, before then and the transmission was failing. I’m surprised I passed, and so was the person administering the test. He said “given your equipment, you passed with flying colors”. Anyway, I was working two menial jobs on opposite ends of town, along basically the same road. I relied on the bus to get me places or walking, which I did a tremendous amount of. One day I was getting off my day job and had to time it perfectly so that I could catch my connecting bus later, and I failed. When I got to my connection, the bus was already driving away and I immediately started freaking out. I had my first full fledged panic attack that day, though I thought I was having a heart attack. When I stumbled into my apartment, sobbing uncontrollably, I called my mom who was a nurse. She could barely understand my inaudible words through the wheezing and hysteria. This was all because I missed the bus and I couldn’t get to my night job. I went to the hospital to make sure I wasn’t really having a heart attack, but that started the regular attacks.

For the next several months, I would wake up in such fear and dread that I would throw up before I went to work every day. I became more and more depressed, money was tight so I was even more worried. I was stuck in this cycle of dread and fear and depression and hopelessness. Since that time, I have had more freak outs, as I call them, than I could possibly count. I have been medicated, self-medicated, and worse to cope with the dread and sadness I have experienced.

So what does this have to do with happiness? I’m sure you’re asking by this point… I have determined that happiness is elusive, and I’ve kind of mentioned this before in previous blog posts. But beyond the elusiveness of this thing that we are trying so hard to find, is that even through all of the hardships, heartaches, struggles and worse, I am still looking for sources of happiness and I’ve also learned to manage my anxiety and depression to where I can still sort of function. I’m no longer sobbing uncontrollably on my bed in the dark with someone silently (or not so silently) judging me for being “weak” or “pathetic”. Instead, I wear my ability to endure like a badge of honor. Not only is the world against me, but so is my own brain, and I’ve still managed to make it this far. Some days, that’s all you’ve got. But I will say that even in my darkest days, which I’ve been experiencing a couple of lately, I still find sources of happiness everyday. It could be something so simple that will make me smile, like a picture of a baby hippo someone tagged me in on social media, or a text from my husband about nothing at all.

This is where we find our happiness on a daily basis. The simple things that make you smile in the darkest times and our ability to endure the storm of life.

Thanks for reading!

 

0

The little things

I love the little things, the small hours, and watching the world rise from their slumber. I’m not a fan of waking up earlier and staying up later as a means of extending the hours in my useable day, but there are perks.

I get a secret glimpse into the lives of wandering animals, and how they use our yard as a means of survival, education, and relaxation. They drink out of the kiddie pool set up to keep our dogs cool in the blazing summer heat (not that they’re outside all the much, but a quick dip is always welcomed by our husky/lab). They raise their young and teach them the ways of their species… Kittens, insects, birds… You name it. We don’t get many squirrels or raccoons in this area of the world, so that’s probably for the best. Unfortunately, these little creatures have to learn about dogs too… Just a little later in the morning. 5am belongs to them, these small ones, before the world and the dogs are awake and running.

This is also the time of day I get to enjoy the stillness at home. The animals and husband are still nestled snugly in their beds, until the puppy starts to rustle, all is quiet. The cat and I often exchange pleasantries, but he is less interested once he has food. I get to take a few minutes to look at my to-do list, tidy up the living spaces, read or write something.

Even right now, it’s 6am and the dogs are play/fighting and the cat is doing acrobatics. There is such a narrow window, about 30 minutes, before the day starts. The question is how do I make them count?

Have a wonderful day!

20140521-060743-22063031.jpg

20140521-060743-22063965.jpg

0

In the thick of it

Happy Tuesday fair readers.

I’m going to cut right to the chase, life is stupid hard. It seems like everywhere you turn, someone, if not ourselves are in the thick of a heap of crap. I know that lately, I’ve been personally struggling with what seems like EVERYTHING going wrong. It’s as if the universe is playing a sick joke on me, trying to find my breaking point. I can say that I’ve come pretty damn close to the edge of the cliff in my life, this awful spell is inching closer and closer to that same point. I know I could go on and on about how bad things suck, and in my head, sometimes I do. But I’m not going to waste any more time with that nonsense, nor am I going to waste your time complaining about “woe is me”. This post is not about that. Quite the opposite, actually.

The point I’m getting at is that everyone has times of feast and times of famine, so to speak. It’s all in how we survive, is what makes us who we are (Thanks Rise Against for that perfect song lyric). I know that it sounds cheesy, but it’s actually true. Studies have shown that our adaptability in times of stress actually make the effects of stress less detrimental to our health and well being. That’s science right there.

Anyway, there’s tons of literature that suggests that even while in the thick of a crisis or just a universe meltdown in our lives, if we are compassionate to ourselves and others, focus on solutions rather than freaking out and generally have a positive outlook on life… we feel the effects, both short term and long term, less and have better coping skills later when crap happens. There is also mounting evidence that stress will literally kill you.

So finding solutions and ways to alleviate the stress, even for just a few moments at a time, will increase your life and the quality of it. I’m certainly no expert on the science of stress, in the credentialed sense, but I have attended the school of hard knocks and lived so far to tell about it. I also know how stress effects our eating habits (I went to college) and I’m also an expert on my own “in the thick of it” stupid life and how I react to crap happening, constantly.

I’ll tell you what I’ve learned:

First, it’s ok to cry about how bad stuff sucks. Without that moment of hopelessness and acceptance of the situation’s effect on you, it’s often hard to get out of the whirlwind of feelings, thoughts and panic. That moment of purging is actually good for you.

Second, once the tears have dried, I always feel exhausted but also I have a clear head and can begin to work on a plan for getting things straight again. That’s the order from chaos that I keep hearing about, at least for me. I’m able to focus once I’ve got a handle on the spinning in my head.

Third, don’t be afraid to throw caution to the wind. In times of stress, uncertainty, pain and sorrow all we want to do is insulate. We want to preserve ourselves from the harsh storm. It’s in our DNA to protect the self. However, that silly ego has to go away and we need to branch out. This could be trying something that you’ve never done before, applying for a job that you’re not entirely qualified for, ASKING FOR HELP from those close to you…. there are a multitude of ways and each of them will be unique to each of us, but doing something different will lead to different circumstances. Doing the same things again and again just allows you to stagnate.

Finally, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Yes, I’m saying pull yourself up by your boot straps. I know for a fact that it’s easier to give up and even relying on other people to help dig you out of the hole, but when you go to bed at night, wherever that might be…. you’ve got yourself and your thoughts. You might be fortunate enough to have a partner in your resting place, but they don’t know what your internal monologue is saying to you and if yours is anything like mine, it’s nothing nice. But if you can, against all odds, pull yourself out of the funk, even with your jerky self sabotaging you from the inside… there’s nothing you won’t be able to accomplish.

I will be the first person to tell you that I don’t take my own advice often, but I’ll also mention that I have said nothing in this post that I’ve not heard from my close friends and family. I hate that they’re right and that I’m in the thick of it, but it happens and you have one of two choices: embrace it and move on, or not. Not moving on though, will wreak havoc on your body, mind and ultimately kill you. At least figuring out a plan out of the trench will give you the possibility of hope and success.

Special thanks to Chris McCombs (http://chrismccombs.net/) for writing blogs about this and many other topics. He’s got a much more direct way of saying some of the same things (you’ve been warned), but a great read.

Thanks for reading!

 

2

Internal Monologue

I’m not sure about anyone else, but I can say that my internal monologue is a tough critic. I’d even say that I’m my own worst enemy and my internal dialogue to myself is proof of that. I noticed the other day though, during a pretty significant moment of loss and despair, that it can also be my biggest cheerleader and greatest advocate for my abilities.

It’s strange that I have this back and forth inside myself: one moment I’m berating and lambasting myself and in the next, I’m rooting myself on. It’s like mental whiplash sometimes. But I will say that I’m glad to have someone in my corner when the chips are down and I need someone the most, but I also know that same voice in my head will be the first one to kick me when I’m climbing up the ladder.

Lately, I have to say it’s been a real challenge to be “happy”. Things have been incredibly difficult. Pets needing expensive and immediate care, more unsettling career changes, and just the general sense of self doubt and disconnectedness from the universe. I sort of feel like I’m the universe’s whipping boy at the moment. As my grandmother always said, “When it rains, it pours”. Truer words have never been spoken to my knowledge. It is just one thing after another and the stress and tension have been mounting,

The few joys I have in life, hobbies and things I find enjoyable are slowly fading away with nothing to replace them. I’m feeling very lost in the world right now, not knowing which way is up or where the hell I’m even going. I feel like I’m just spinning in circles.

It’s hard to write a blog about happiness when it’s something so elusive. I know it’s not possible to be happy all the time, because we’re humans and life happens sometimes. But at the same time, I feel like I’m doing my few readers that check out this page (hi guys!) a disservice by not “walking the walk” at this moment. But sadly, I am but a human too.

I know for the most part this blog has been about my search for simple joys and writing about my happiness quest. I think, however, I’ve shied away from writing when “life happens” and things get real for me. I’m not one to complain about my problems and I try not to vent to those close to me… but I’ve been thinking that this page is less than authentic if I don’t also include the struggles. So, here’s my first real attempt at writing here when I’m not happy.

When I say that I’m not happy, as those that have been following remember, there are more than one type of happiness. There’s immediate gratification happy and long term happy. I am not happy on the surface at this time in life. It’s rife with struggles and conflict from just about every angle. However, I’m cultivating long term happiness in ways like being in school working on my degree so that I feel accomplished in a career that I know I’ll find fulfilling. So when I say I’m not happy, I mean that things on a daily basis are incredibly stressful and I need them to start changing.

And as you that have read previous blogs remember, I need to start that change within myself. This brings me back to my internal dialogue. Changing how I talk to myself in the confines of my own head is probably one of the most difficult things ever, but also one of the most important. It goes back to “Right Thought”. I need to start with myself and think right and speak right to my own consciousness.

Wish me luck!

0

Good luck on the infinite abyss

Long time, no blog… I know.

But you know…. life.

Anyway, I digress. I just finished re-watching “Garden State” and it’s been a really long time since I’ve seen it, but I remember how much I loved it and it remains to be true. I remember how connected to that movie I felt the first time I saw it, even though someone said that it was pretentious. Yes, it could be construed at pretentious and trying too hard to be artsy, but there are certain aspects of the film that really resonate with me.

It’s humbling to realize that you’re not the only one who feels detached, numb, lost and uncertain. Yes, it’s a movie, but it comes across as honest. I think it’s that honesty that I identify with about those feelings of confusion and singularity. I feel like that is one of the few things that humans needs, crave… feeling connected to others.

For those of you that have seen the movie, as you can tell by the title of this post, one of my favorite lines in the movie is by the antique dealer guy living with his family on a defunct boat on the edge of a quarry. As Zach Braff, Natalie Portman and the other guy (I can’t think of his name right now, sorry) are leaving his place in the rain storm, Zach Braff says “Good luck on the infinite abyss” and the antique dealer smiles and says, “Hey, you too.” It seemed like such a pointed line of dialogue… like, “good luck out there”. Things like that line are what hit home for me. Of course, that line is followed up by the trio climbing on top of a excavator having a primal scream  overlooking the edge of the infinite abyss.

I always feel introspective when I see films that hit home for me and today isn’t any different. I remember the previous times that I’ve seen it, the parts of it that make me think, how they’ve changed… how I’ve changed, how circumstances always change.

So, yeah, for those that haven’t watched it, it’s really slow, not much dialogue… but what talking there is, is character driven. There’s little action. Be forewarned.

0

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑