The Human Side of Happiness

Sometimes I wonder if happiness exists in a vacuum, and I often feel like I’m outside the container. I see happiness all around me and there are so many people talking about happiness, studying it from scientific, religious, or philosophical stances, and delivering it to the masses with such clarity and brevity, it’s difficult to understand that how such an elusive feeling can be captured so succinctly. For example: I know what I want, but I just don’t know how to get there. I thought I was on the path to what I wanted, doing the right things, working hard… and then WHAM-O!! I get blindsided by a brick wall, let’s call it “reality?”. On top of that, I’ve had a lifetime of crap I don’t want. From shit friends, to awful jobs and/or bosses that suck my will to live, to people who straight up manipulate me and use me. I feel like I’ve been pretty clear to the universe that I do not want certain things in my life and I’ve gone to painstaking lengths to remove them from my life. Yet, all the while, I don’t feel happier. I don’t feel like I’m any closer to what I do want.

Similarly, I have been pretty clear, at least for the most part…, about what I will tolerate from others. I will tolerate a great deal, and I have a great deal of patience when it comes to certain things and people. Yet, on the other hand, my tolerance and patience is virtually nonexistent for other people and things. That’s just a human flaw I believe. But I’m 100% sure that I will not tolerate people lying, stealing, cheating, or otherwise being hateful toward me. I had to end a friendship that has lasted for more than a decade because I found out this person stole from me and lied. I was completely out of contact with him for more than a year, and now that he lives in a different city, we have only just now started to communicate and it’s only once a week at most. However, even with my boundaries firmly set, and me being honest about where people stand in my life, I still feel no closer to happiness.

This particular image resonates with me significantly. On one side, it’s so trite of someone to say, insinuating that it’s just THAT easy to start doing what you want. I know from example that it’s far from easy. Frankly, I question if it’s even worth it. But at the same time, because it is so difficult for regular people, those of us that have to pay bills, and work lame jobs, and who do not have extensive resources and support systems to allow “dreams to come true”, it makes it that much more enticing. I WANT TO LIVE MY AUTHENTIC LIFE. I do. But again, how do you get there? More importantly, how do you get there without losing everything you’ve worked for? And what if when you “get there” and it’s not what you want after all? How do you even know when you’ve arrived “there”? What does it look like? What does it feel like to be living the life you’ve always dreamed? And I’m not talking about multimillionaire status here, I’m talking genuine happiness. I’ve come to the realization that there are few moments in which I have enjoyed genuine happiness. I think I can count them on two hands.

Recently, my honey, my bestie, and one of my other best friends went to a music festival together. It was so much fun. The most fun I have had in a very long time. The music was amazing, we got to scratch a couple items off the bucket list, and it was just a great time. But what goes up, must come down. The next two days (the show was on a Friday) were incredibly challenging and negative. I honestly couldn’t wait to go back to work where I didn’t have to deal with my “real” life. I hate feeling like that. I want to enjoy my time off, since it’s the only time where I can do the things that I don’t HAVE to do. Yes, I do things that I have to do, like clean the house and grocery shopping, but that’s minor. I don’t have to stare at a computer in spreadsheet hell for 8+ hours a day. But when I have weekends where I’m just over it and it’s nothing but conflict, what’s the point of being home? I might as well just go back to spreadsheet hell. At least there, I’m getting paid to deal with it. At home, I’m basically paying for the privilege to be not at work. I do not like that idea at all.

Because I’ve sort of been living in my own personal hell these days, aside from the spreadsheets, stemming from school and my educational future, I haven’t had a chance to come up for air. We are still dealing with the financial repercussions of having to take a few months off for my internship and unexpected bills. Of course, the holidays do not make paying down debt easier. It’s frustrating and I feel defeated. I am trying to find those moments, however fleeting, where I can enjoy genuine happiness and I’m slowly making tangible changes to achieve personal goals. I plan to take some classes after the new year that will not only enrich my mind, but also my physical self. It will help achieve several goals I have set for myself. I am really looking forward to this. I am hopeful that my bestie will get to take them with me. We can both scratch that off the bucket list. It’s hard though, being so removed from my genuine self for so many years, to get back to that person. I’m not sure that person even exists anymore. All I know if that I have to begin doing the things that I know I used to love, to see if they still fit. I want to fun things, that also enrich my mind and spirit. I’ll let you know how that goes, as I start doing them. Wish me luck!

I hope that each of you consider what is preventing you from living your genuine truth, if you aren’t already living it. When you put your finger on the problem, it becomes easier to move beyond. Best of luck my faithful and new readers. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate you.

November 28, 2014 0

The Holiday Happiness Struggle

Hello dear readers,

I hope this belated post finds you all doing well. I am generally good, but life has been rather unexpected as of late, hence the delay in posting yet again.

Today’s blog is mainly about the holiday slump, but other fun stuff will be peppered in there too (bad pun, I know).

As we sort of steamroll into the end of the year it dawned on me a couple of things: 1) thanksgiving (for the Americans, at least) is next week. ALREADY. And 2) quite truthfully, as some readers know from previous posts, I hate this time of year. Now, before you stop reading and cast me off forever for being a Grinch, hear me out.

On one hand, the holidays are a magical time of year for togetherness, love, altruism and selfless giving. I am TOTALLY down for those qualities. However, the dark side of the holidays is where I’m lost and I hate it. Selfishness, greed, consumerism, obligation, pressure, expectation, depression, and repression are all too common and as I get older, maybe it gets easier to spot or maybe it’s just getting worse… I’m not sure. But the bottom line is that I have no patience for it and it makes me sad and angry. That is not to say that there aren’t bright spots, because there are, but good grief… People literally killing one another for a tv is just pure madness to me.

The holidays are also used as a dividing tactic, in my opinion. Families can’t be together because one member isn’t welcome, so they go somewhere else. Or the meals the celebrations are inevitably surrounding aren’t inclusive to everyone either. Such as, I’m a vegan and when I spend a holiday with my extended family, I have to eat beforehand. There will surely be a veggie tray and some soup my grandmother insists I try because I can just pick out the chicken… Mashed potatoes, but we used skim milk… what do you mean it’s not vegan?

I know they mean well, but I’m always the outsider. Even growing up I was the outsider, mainly because I was outspoken when it probably wasn’t a good idea to be and way too smart for my own good. Not much has changed. Strangely, my friend’s, boyfriend’s and now my husband’s families have always been more inclusive to me than my own family. I guess that’s why I find myself ‘collecting the strays’ ever since high school. People who have crappy families, no families or whatever their situation, they spend holidays with me. I think they need it as much as I do, that feeling of togetherness.

But as I said, I struggle during the holiday stampede and endless Xmas music to find my bliss and truly just can’t wait for the craziness to be over. I’m not sure about in other cities, but in this one, people. get. crazy. during the holidays. They get pushier, shovier, and shorter tempered in their rush to do the next thing. The universe blessed Phoenix in that it very rarely snows here, because truly I don’t think I could handle the people, snow, and the people handling snow. It would likely cause the end of the world. Just saying.

I just recently took a fundraising position for a nonprofit organization and after my first day of field training, at a mall kiosk, I’m not only doubting my effectiveness in this position but also doubting humanity. Generally speaking, I’m expected to be a barker at people walking by. This is much harder than I give those mall guys credit for. At least the makeup or jewelry people have a product to sell. We are ‘selling’ an idea. We have to tap into what we think people will care about: kids, families, disasters, violence… We have to poke the hot button. And in a split second. I am just not that smooth. I’ve never done sales before. I’m an office worker or manual labor. Standing in the middle of a shopping mall trying to hustle? Damn hard and way out of my comfort zone. I’m going to try and stick it out to see if I make improvements, but the outlook is bleak.

I’m already finding myself wishing it were January.

November 20, 2013 0

Right livelihood and the Right Mindfulness update

I have to admit, I’ve been letting the blog fall by the wayside lately and again, I’m sorry for that. However, I have to say that I’ve not in any way lost sight of my project and my goals that I’ve set for myself. Just the opposite really. I’ve been incredibly focused on TCOB… taking care of business.

http://internetmedialabs.com/taking-care-of-business-mba-style/

Last month (I CANNOT believe it’s already December) was SUPER chaotic… one of the craziest this year by far. So many changes, good, bad and somewhere in between. However, this project has truly helped me follow the path that I want for myself, has allowed me to show gratitude, to help others in ways that I never could have thought possible, allowed me to grow and change, determine my boundaries and recognize my limitations. Spending a month listening to my inner voice near the end of this journey was incredibly smart of me, without even knowing it. Had I done it earlier in the year, there’s no way I would have gotten as much out of it. Having gone through everything this year has brought me to this point. I could not be more thankful. November was my time to think and to connect with my inner voice. While I’ve spent a very long time this year doing just that, this time, it was to acknowledge what I was truly feeling. It wasn’t difficult but it was necessary. I spent the month tuning in to my feelings about things and I learned a lot. I was able to see things with clear vision and to realize my boundaries in real time. THIS was incredibly important for November’s goals. Now, I can move on to my “final” set of goals…. Right Livelihood.

~Be stringent with your ethics but determine what’s really important
-Do your homework on potential employers
-Apply yourself to your future- now
-Get a career or get into grad school. Quit stalling.

So now what? Well, as you can read above, I need to figure out what I’m doing with myself. I am literally 3 weeks away from graduation and while I’ve been in college long enough to be a doctor, I’m finally finishing my Bachelor’s degree. I cannot tell you how incredibly stressful it is to be inches from the end and struggling like no other. I have had so much going on that school work hasn’t exactly been the top priority. Sadly, my grades are reflecting this. I’m not giving up without a fight and I’m certainly doing everything I can to ensure my success. However, standing on this cliff has made me realize that I need to figure out what to do now. I’ve never been this close, so I had time… now, notsomuch.

http://leehayward.com/blog/inner-circle-winners/

That’s not necessarily a bad thing though, since I am blessed to have a decent job and it’s pretty secure, unless I do something completely stupid and get myself fired, which is unlikely. I’ve also contacted a school about their graduate program and provided I pass this semester, I can actually go there. THAT would be amazing.

Anyway, that sort of explains the “quit stalling” part of my goals this month. I have a job and I have a plan for grad school so that I can be competitive in my field.

The overarching meaning to my goals this month is that I have to determine what is truly important to me and I’ve spent a very long time trying to figure that part out, but so far I have figured out that money is NOT that important. Yes, it makes living much, much easier, but it doesn’t rule my life like many people I know. I appreciate having money and I enjoy the things that money can buy, like food and shelter. But I don’t LIVE to make tons of cash. I live to make an impact on the world. It would also be nice to make a living out of that impact, don’t get me wrong. But I live simply enough to not need a super well paying job.

With that understanding that I don’t need massive amounts of money and I’ve centered my live in such a way that I can live within my means, I have to apply myself to whatever I do. As many of you know by now, that’s not exactly a problem, but career wise, that’s easier said than done. I have no clue how to apply myself to my future career… other than just doing it. I’m not sure that will work in this situation though. It’s going to take some finesse. The research part, I’ve got this… but since I’m staying where I am at this point in my career, it’s less about seeking new employment and about securing my position there and learning everything I possibly can that can help my future career. I need to find as much information and soak it up so that I may use that to my advantage in the future. Thankfully, I have that ability. Right place, right time in this aspect.

Another aspect of Livelihood that I hadn’t really anticipated though, since I wrote all these goals a year ago, was that my job is not my only source of living. The definition of livelihood is this: A means of securing the necessities of life.

What does that mean exactly? There are so many ways of looking at that… I mean, what do I consider necessities? Yes, there’s the usual food, shelter, clothes, air, water kind of stuff. But what else in this life do I need? I am always the person that will go without to make sure that other people have what they need. I have gone without things I need because bills had to be paid, pets needed to eat… you name it. I’m not saying that I’m some sort of saint because I’ve gone without my own necessities because of my overwhelming sense of obligation, or for sympathy… but simply as a point in my case that I really haven’t a clue what I need anymore, outside of the obvious ones.

I know that I don’t need t.v. or cable… tons of money or anything like that. But the things that I do need… no idea. This is going to be the hardest part of of my goals this month. Here goes nothing… or everything. Depending on how you look at it… :)

http://rachelself.com/The-Bare-Necessities

December 3, 2012 1

Right Mindfulness

Happy freaking November. Man, this month seriously just snuck up on me. Is snuck even a word? My computer thinks not, but whatever… it is now. :)
Anyway, September and October did exactly their jobs as far as creating adventure and allowing me to spend time with those I love, create lasting memories and just all around have wonderful adventures. Of course these things won’t stop now that I’m moving on to a new set of goals, as this exercise is cumulative.

So November is all about Right Mindfulness. Here’s the list:

~Look at the true meaning, not your own perception
~Listen to your body!
~What am I feeling, honestly?
~Where’s your head?
~Show appreciation

As a Buddhist, mindfulness is quite important to finding true meaning in all things, the true teachings of the Buddha and appreciating real life, in the present.

The goals are surrounding truth this month and being in tune with not only myself, but those around me as well. It’s important for me to be mindful not only to be aware of stuff… but to also be able to show gratitude and compassion for all those that grace my life. I am so fortunate to have wonderful people and animals that balance, complete and enhance this life I’m in. Showing gratitude takes time, effort and above all… understanding. It is critical for me in my quest for happiness to make others happier also.

Taking each of these goals one-by-one, here’s the meaning behind them:

~Listen to your body!- By this I mean that I want to be more in tune with myself, my needs and come to accept my limitations. I frequently forgo sleep, food, relaxation, and general fun in my life because I’m stressed, busy, and just plain distracted. I want to listen to my body and eat when I’m hungry, sleep more when I’m tired and take time to recharge more often.
~What am I feeling, honestly?- I often bury my feelings or cast them aside in hopes of avoiding conflict or brushing them off as “reactionary” and other things I’ve deemed negative. This isn’t exactly the healthiest thing for me, nor is it a successful key to happiness. I am sometimes prone to holding grudges and being hurt for reasons that other people are unaware of. Part of this goal is allowing myself to experience feelings when I’m feeling them and also having the courage to communicate those feelings to others.
~Where’s your head?- This is more figurative than it is literal, but I do sometimes forget even where my head is on occasion… simply because I’m a frazzled mess. But the true meaning of this goal is centering. I want to take more time in my daily life to center myself and experience inner peace. Much of this started with wanting to do yoga everyday, and while much of that has fallen by the wayside, I do still have a strong desire to do it everyday. Getting there just hasn’t been easy… But this goal is more of a mental yoga. Working to not get as stressed out and to find my focus.
~Show appreciation- The key to happiness of self is helping others attain happiness. I think that many people feel unappreciated, unloved, taken for granted and all around lonely in their personal lives. I want to help alleviate some of that negativity by showing my appreciation to those that I am around regularly. I want them to know that they are not taken for granted and that they are needed.

Here’s to a happy and healthy November everyone! Be mindful and give thanks. :)

November 9, 2012 0

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