I recently watched a TED talk that pointed toward why it is human beings act against their best interest. Generally speaking, it’s due to emotions. There are a bunch of things swirling in there but the basic idea is that the rational part of us shuts off when our emotions are involved in the process.
On a personal level, I’m just as guilty as anyone about this particular topic. Often, I make really stupid decisions because it’s for a friend or someone I love. I put myself too far out on the limbs, to the tippy-top scary branches when it’s for one of the people close to me. Similarly, it comes back to bite me. I like to joke about ‘no good deed goes unpunished’, and while it is in jest, there is an element of truth to that sentiment for me. I know that’s not exactly the world’s most positive notion, but happiness isn’t always about positivity… Sometimes it’s just about honesty.
Anyway, honesty is one of those tricky things, I’ve discovered. I watched another TED talk about spotting dishonesty and how to make the world a more honest place. I agree with honesty and it being the best policy, but as the speaker illustrated, white lies must exist to spare the feelings of others. I agree with this as well. Nobody wants to hurt their loved one’s feelings and telling them that the haircut they love makes their face look fat would be more hurtful than the lie.
Of course, there are gentle ways to tell the truth and whenever possible, these methods should be done, in my opinion. It’s when brutal honesty comes into play, can it be damaging to any relationship. I am generally direct but I really strive to be cautious of the feelings of others. With that being said, I have been struggling with some elements of brutal honesty lately. The struggle is that while I appreciate the fact that these people are extremely candid, what they are honest about has been tough to swallow.
Now this is where acting against my best interest comes full circle. I want these people to be happy and remain honest with me. Because of this, I have to act against myself and my own happiness. In many situations throughout my life, this boundary has been extremely skewed and one sided. Typically I’ve been left beaten up when all is said and done. Thankfully I’m learning to extend that boundary and give myself a little more space to deal with issues, so I am less weary by the end. But unfortunately I am still developing this skill. I still find myself at odds with what’s best for myself and the honesty context.
In summary, this is essentially just another reminder that I’m human. I am not necessarily as strong as I think and sometimes I over estimate my capacity to deal with things. On the other hand, human beings are know for coping with more adversity than they ever thought possible, which makes me think that rather than me being a super heroine with human elements, I’m simply a human with bouts of superhuman abilities. I really believe that each of us had this skill, it’s just a matter of cultivating it.
I have learned a many valuable lesson in my life and I think picking your battles wisely is one of the main ones. To bring it back to the heart of this blog, happiness, Buddhism and life… Right Speech, Right Action and Right Thought. I have recently gotten out of the habit of monitoring my thoughts, words and actions so closely as I did when I was sticking to the Happiness Project. I’ve also noticed that petty fights and arguments with people are damn hard to avoid sometimes. You’re having a regular conversation and suddenly you’re arguing about nothing. Also, in our modern world of hustle and bustle, being overwhelmed and exhausted causes more than it’s fair share of squabbles. And sometimes, I know I’m guilty, you’re just crabby or sensitive for no reason.
Another thing that I’ve realized is that the more involved you are with someone, with their life… the more arguments arise. So, naturally, you’re going to fight more with your spouse, kids, families… just due to proximity and level of intimacy. So you fight with the people you care about the most. Talk about irony. However, I’ve been forced to learn the hard way all of these lessons, and I’m still learning them. I find that as soon as I feel like things are going well, someone will say something hurtful and I’ll react or I’ll just be crabby and snap at someone, causing a HUGE blow out.
This is where picking your battles comes in. For most people when they are hurt or being sensitive, the hardest thing in the world is to say you’re sorry. All you want to do is make the hurt stop somehow and curiously, we often do it by hurting others and/or escalating the argument to “win” it. As everyone knows in their rational mind, this doesn’t work…. at all. It just wounds everyone involved, making reconciliation even harder to sometimes accomplish. However, if we make the rational choice to not react when we are hurt, we end many fights before they begin. I know as well as anyone that this is FAR easier said than done. But the fact remains.
Instead of reacting when you’re slighted or hurt, it gives you space to choose your words, thoughts and actions more carefully. Often it’s said that “it all happened so fast” in regards to a fight, it happens suddenly and gets nasty real fast. By taking that minute or second to think, instead of immediately snap back, it creates that slowing down of time. And better yet, it prevents you from saying things that you cannot take back.
The words “I’m sorry” and “I love you” are incredibly powerful if they are said in truth. Passive-aggressive, placating “I’m sorry” doesn’t do the trick and telling someone you love them when you really don’t is one of the greatest sins people can make toward one another, in my opinion. It not only is a colossal lie, but it degrades what those words mean… they are the verbal expression of a very true and sincere feeling. It should never be taken lightly or tampered with. To me, love is sacred and when it’s taken for granted or used as the base for lies… there’s no coming back from that. It’s officially tainted.
However, if you’re fighting with someone, you can muster those words to spring true from within and you have the courage to say them to end or at least bring down the conflict, you are a strong person and on the right path. Sincerity is the key.
Anyway, fighting less and when you do fight, fighting kindly are great ways to eliminate chaos from everyday life. I had a good run there for a while, but with intense pressure and stress in my daily life, keeping that rhythm has been incredibly tough. I know it’s been tough on those around me because I’m definitely way more edgy these days, but I try my best. Everyday, I make the effort to touch base with important people, just to say hi, and let them know that they’re on my mind. I also do my absolute best at telling and showing those close to me that I love them and value their presence in my life. This is many times just a simple “thank you for everything”. Right now, I’ve noticed that I’ve been saying that particular phrase A LOT because I have a lot of people helping me keep myself together, and without them I’d surely be lost.
Today’s post is brought to you by “No Excuses”. I’ve been meaning to write a new entry for a very long time, yet I’ve been in the thick of a few things lately and I’ve become even more absent minded than usual. However, when my alarm went off this morning, my new catch phrase that gets me to do things I’ve been putting off or simply just things I am not leaving myself an option to get out of, popped into my head. When I say this phrase to myself, I know that I mean business and that I’m not giving myself an “out”. So, here I am.
Cryogenic_Dreams_by_gusti_boucher
Now, on to the dream portion of this post. Abrupt, I know. I’m sorry for that, but my mornings are hectic and I have a lot of things to do, primarily working out and making food for the day so I can get to work on time. Anyway, dreams. I have noticed that when I am stressed out that my dreams are also stressful. For instance last night, I had a very vivid and generally unpleasant dream. I woke up several times during the night with a sense of panic, my heart racing and breathing erratically. This also tells me that I was dreaming about something stressful. I’m not a fan.
Without getting too deep into my dream’s details, I will say that dreaming of people that should never meet and the stress that comes from that encounter makes for a bad dream. But more to the point, why are these two entities coming together in my subconscious? That question is obviously rhetorical, but my point is this, when you are stressed, hurried or otherwise in a bad spot, why is it that your brain adds fuel to that fire and makes your “rest” time also stress time?
According to Dream Moods, they suggest that nightmares are caused directly by stress and WebMD even has suggestions on managing stress, because bad dreams and stress are clearly linked by several recent studies. So, we all experience stress and consequently, bad dreams. But now, how do you get rid of them both in our modern world? Each of us are overworked, underpaid, exhausted, rushed, pressured and more during our regular day. How do you continue to exist and manage that stress? I have no answer to this myself, since I’m as stressed out as anyone here…. I’m just posing the question and letting you, the reader, decide what works for you. I’m going to get over my sadness right now but having a kick ass workout. What about you?
The season is finally starting to wind down in Arizona and the nights are getting brisker. The heat of the days are getting below the 100s. I’ve been meaning to start the massive interior-painting-my-house project for months and I finally feel like the weather is cooperating. I’m able to open the doors and windows to vent the place out, though the paint I spent a small fortune on is ultra low odor, low/no VOC and thankfully doesn’t bother my allergies so much. Thanks to Home Depot for finally having options other than toxic. (Shameless plug for paint that won’t kill you as quickly) So, when I get home in the evenings, I’m able to do a little painting. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I figure if I do an hour or two every couple days, I won’t kill myself and it’ll get done without rushing. That’s a major concern. I want it to look good… If I rush through it, it’ll get done, but it’ll look like crap and it will not last very long. I don’t want to have to paint every surface of my house very often. It will be done slowly and correctly. :)
The bathroom in progress
With all this OCD perfectionism, I’ve had a bit of time to think and search my brain and heart. I’ve also had a bit of time to read the last few days, though, my procrastination of homework has caused a little stress and panic. Fingers crossed for a good grade on this last lab report. It was not easy to focus on, let alone get completed. Note to self: STOP procrastinating when I have stuff due.
Anyway, there are a few things that I want to touch on in this post, first: painting is rather meditative. You are able to think and be introspective yet, incredibly focused and not realizing either. It’s all the more important to maintain focus when you have an antique hardwood floor to protect, but the attention to detail and immense concentration required… wow. Second: through this action of extreme mindfulness, it’s come to the surface that having control over my environment is incredibly important to me… I can imagine that it’s the same for others, but I’m only going to speak for myself here. Third: Money, while it doesn’t necessarily “buy happiness”, it sure buys the option.
Ok, so the meditative thing… as some of you might recall, I am not good at the meditation. It was one of my goals to find sources of meditation that were not sitting on a cushion listening to ambient music. I just cannot sit still long enough for all that. Instead I tried gardening (which hasn’t produced much but huge plants. Food? Not a scrap.). I’ve got a hobby or two that can be meditative, but it’s not been lately for other reasons that I won’t get into here. When I embarked on the painting idea, I thought only of the end result… sort of. I knew that it would take me a long time, because I’m essentially doing it myself and I also knew it wasn’t going to be easy, mostly due to the amount of time it would require. No, painting is not easy… it’s labor intensive and physically demanding. It’s not for the faint of heart. But I’ve done a whole house before, walls and ceiling. Those times though, I had consistent help and it wasn’t exactly THAT important that the job be great. A lease of only a year is sort of good like that. If it looks terrible, you don’t have to live with it long. However, home ownership has a different feel. I’m stuck with it if it sucks. Incentive to make it beautiful accepted. Just selecting the colors was a really long process. I couldn’t find a medium and dark grey that were both in the same color family that I liked. It took a long time, but I finally did it. Hell, these two colors are on the same paint card, let alone in the same color family. Anyway, so I’ve been listening to music and just taking a little bit of time as often as I can to get just bits and pieces done at a time. I’ve had a little help from someone who can reach my ceiling without a chair. For that help, I’m incredibly grateful. Plus I enjoy the company. Bonus. During this series of relatively short meditations, I’ve made a lot of internal progress. I’ve come to realize a few things not only about myself, but about what I want in my future. This has been incredibly valuable, since I’ve had the opportunity to also evaluate how I interact and gel with other people.
Chihuahuas are people too…
This leads me to my second thing, control. I have felt really out of control for many years and I guess I’ve learned to adapt to that feeling of chaos, so much in that I almost feel more comfortable in chaotic situations than otherwise. It’s partly due to the fact that I just cannot sit still, but this doesn’t help the fact that I’m to a stage in my life where I not only want, but feel like I need control over SOMETHING other than my personal body. Slowly but surely, I have been doing what I can to extract control out of my life, which in essence is uncontrollable. However, the painting project has helped me feel like I have control over my space, where I most certainly don’t, yet I feel like I have a bit of a say in what happens here. It’s quite a nice feeling. I cannot wait to see how beautiful my home is when it’s done… since I got to be the only voice in paint colors for the first time ever.
My new bedding!
And this of course, leads me to my final point. I’ve always thought to myself that money wasn’t the key to happiness. In my experience, having money meant that I had no time. I prefer having time than money. However, I’m slightly reevaluating that thought too. At this point, I’m pretty much broke, but I’ve got enough money to get the general bills paid with a tiny amount left over. For a very long time, I didn’t have two nickles to rub together and on the flip side, I had more than enough money but no time to spend it. I prefer where I am. I get to do one or two small things to get out and have adventures, but I don’t have anything extravagant. That makes me happy in and of itself. Having a few simple things, like going to one concert a month (not big arena shows or anything, but small venues, indie bands or shows that are meaningful), going out to a nice dinner once in a while… these are simple things that produce a great deal of joy in my humble life. That’s what I mean by money giving you the option of happiness… and it’s not “happiness” in general that money buys. It’s more the experience that often requires a little cash. I’m blessed to also have a few good friends that like doing stuff that I can tag along to. This gets me out a little more than I plan for and helps me achieve the “adventures with those close to me” part of my goals right now.
Rise Against!
I think, as my happiness project is creeping to it’s official end, I’ve realized more than anything that I am so fortunate. Not because I have a fancy house, a high paying job, a brand new car, tons of stuff…. because I truly have none of those things. I live in a modest house that I’m blessed to be paying for for the next 30 years, I have a high mileage used car that happens to be exactly the perfect car for me, which I’m also fortunate to be paying on for a while, a modest salary at a small business and virtually no personal possessions… I could not be more fortunate. I have a beautiful life that occasionally sucks ass, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Even if you do nothing, you’re making a choice… even if you’re not acting, you’re causing reactions.
This has been a difficult concept for me to understand over the years, but more recently, I’ve come to truly understand the concept and have successfully applied it to my life. Too often we are not living the life we want, even if it’s something so simple as not spending enough time doing whatever it is we enjoy. But more often than not, we’re seemingly trapped into this rut of an existence that is doing nothing but fostering our ulcers and making us nuts. In my case, it’s prepping me for my future heart attack.
The goals for this seasonal transition from Summer to Fall are pretty direct and apply to my ability to live an authentic life, on my terms. It started with the major upheaval, but now all these smaller things are dwindling. The first and most important aspect of “right action” is really my ability to ASK for what I want with great honesty and compassion. I have to ask myself what I truly want. I have to ask others if they want to go along with what I want, since they’re in charge of themselves, of course. I don’t get to make decisions that affect others without at least asking…
Anyway, my ability to be self aware is imperative. Almost more importantly though, is for me to be honest with others. I think self-honesty is much easier than asking those around me for anything… let alone showing them that I am vulnerable. Showing your belly is tough when you keep getting punched in it. But I keep harping on other people to be brutally honest, to be vulnerable… and here I am struggling with it. It’s so much easier to tell others what to do… yet very hard to take your own advice.
Surprisingly, I’ve also been struggling with this whole concept of “having fun”. I mean, it’s not HARD exactly, but giving myself permission to not constantly be working or focusing on something is. However, I’ve been fortunate enough to have great people in my life that remind me that all work and no play makes me a dull girl. Nobody likes that. By the same token, I am having the hardest time focusing on school. I am just so over it… meanwhile I’m talking about grad school; more on that another time.
In typical “me” form, I’m not struggling really at all in the generosity part of things, except in one instance. But that isn’t because I don’t want to be generous; I have demonstrated my extreme ability to give in this case… It just conflicts directly with my present and future goals to continue to be generous here. I think by continuing to give, I’m not only doing myself a disservice by not living my life the way I want to, but I’m also doing the parties involved a disservice too. This is where that honesty thing and generosity must strike some sort of balance. Sadly, it’s easier said than done.
Considering all this and more that is happening in my life at the current moment, I feel happier than I have in a very long time. I know that I am slowly building my ideal life and with that comes ideal happiness. This is not to say that things are or will ever be “perfect”, because I can assure you, they’re not and they never will be. I have and will continue to struggle, grow and change. There will always be adversity and things that I must overcome throughout my life. But I feel as if I’m better able to cope with adversity and face these challenges without as much fear and with more knowhow about what I can handle. I have come to understand that people are able to overcome MUCH more than they give themselves credit for. I have seen it in myself and in others. Humans are incredibly resilient creatures and each of us has amazing power to persevere.
Now, if I could just make a decision out of a wet paper bag, everything would work itself out. Until then… there’s more to learn.
