The other F-word.

I know, I know… I’ve been slacking on writing the last couple weeks. I’m sorry… I will not bore you all with my excuses, but I will say that I promise to get back into a more regular schedule. I’ve just been distracted.

Anyway, so the other F-word… it’s got 4 letters and it’s probably more damaging than the one we all naturally think of… it’s fear. FEAR is the “other F-word” and truthfully, considering the damage that it does to people’s lives, mine included, it should be the first F-word, not the “other”.

http://gigaom.com/collaboration/8-reasons-not-to-fear-social-media/stock-fear/

In recent weeks I’ve been grappling with a lot of fear. There is a great deal of uncertainty surrounding several aspects of my life and a couple “surprises” have come up to complicate matters even more. I have several opportunities glaring me in the face, career moves, educational opportunities, potential relationships and yet… I feel literally paralyzed when I think of having to make a choice. That’s fear. I’m afraid of making the wrong move. Since I’ve made so many stupid ones over the years, I just can’t make a move. By not making a choice, I’m still making a choice. In my head, I know that this is fear and that it’s keeping me in a submission hold to a life that doesn’t exist or feelings/thoughts that are totally nuts. But fear is one of the most powerful feelings that we feel as humans, or any animal really. It’s a universal feeling, this thing we call fear, amongst all animals. We are just aware of it outside the realm of basic survival.

There are times where it’s appropriate to hide out in our bunkers, but if we never see the light of day we can never experience all that life has to offer. My problem with this is that life has been kicking me in the teeth over the last several years and I’m just not sure I can stand up anymore. However, when I see those close to me being afraid of things that seem so obvious to me, or over nothing at all… I just want to shake them until they snap out of it. But it dawned on me recently… I’m that guy to most of the people who know my inner workings. I’m 100% certain they want to kick my ass and rightly so. There are much more difficult decisions and definitely more important things for me to be worrying about than some of the topics I cannot seem to let go of. Yet, all the while, I struggle. It’s incredibly frustrating…

http://think9ja.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/im-not-afraid/

I’m currently reading a book on self-compassion and it’s appropriate for my current mind state. Learning to be kind to yourself without judgment, using comforting thoughts and words toward not only others in times of struggle, but also for yourself. It’s fairly counter intuitive to Westerners, simply because we value heard work and diligence so greatly… but you can have those things and also be compassionate to yourself, apparently. I’m still in the very preliminary learning stages of how to accomplish such things… but I’m doing my best. That, to me, is what matters.

In the meantime, I’m also doing things that I find enjoyable and spending time with people that I value in my life. I am doing everything I can do to forgo a few hours of sleep to do fun things. I recently went to a concert and I’ve had several dinners and drinks with some of my favorite people. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get focused about school and getting back into the rhythm of the semester. That, sadly, is easier said than done.

There are more good things on the horizon. I can feel it. :)

litany-of-fear — http://www.mailandfemail.com/?p=1349

September 19, 2012 2

And now for something completely different…

Ok, not really, but it sounded good. :)

Forgive me father for it’s been more than a week since my last confession… In seriousness, I know it’s been a bit longer than I had planned between posts, but the first week or two of a semester can really be a doozy. This is the first summer in 3 years that I’ve not taken classes, so it’s been exceptionally difficult getting back in the “school” rhythm. But I think I’m getting there. Slowly but surely. Aside from that, things have been pretty much the same in that I’ve been working and trying to get things done with my POS car. That in and of itself has been extremely stressful. But thanks to the generosity of a good friend, I’ve got a temporary car that runs like a champ, until he gets back from vacation. I never realized how much air conditioning rules, until yesterday.

Anyway, today’s installment is not simply about what I’ve been doing this week that has made it difficult for me to blog, but rather it’s about mental and emotional processes. Let me explain. In my head, I want to write. In my heart, I know it’s what I love to do. However, in reality, it’s not easy to do what it is that I want to do much of the time because I’ve got other things that take priority at any given time. This same model expands out to other facets of life too… In my head, I want to have my own business. In my heart, I know I can do it and I would be great at it. In reality, I need to find the time to make it happen along with everything else. In my head I know I know how to fix my car. In my heart I know I am capable. In reality, there are just some things that cannot be fixed with limited tools, knowledge and resources.

The point of mentioning these things is that mentally and emotionally, I know certain things to be true, yet reality, humanity, society, my own hang ups all have a way of making what I know and feel that much harder to maintain. The universe has a way of testing us at every turn and I think that overcoming the odds or various challenges is what make us not only crazy, but also more confident in our abilities, thoughts and feelings. If we don’t overcome these challenges, it’s back to the drawing board until we figure it out or give up and move on. Either way, we learn from it.

Learning is a huge part of happiness. According to one of the books I’m reading, there’s short-term and long-term happiness. Short-term happiness is stuff that requires little work and planning, very little sacrifice in the short term, but allows for brief moments of happiness. Long-term happiness, such as owning a house, going on a long vacation etc, require long term planning and often struggles to get there. And by learning the lessons of life, taking on these challenges and overcoming them, allows us the knowledge, heart and wherewithal to batten down the hatches and get things done for that long term happiness stuff. I’m currently trying to get some short term happiness while working hard to cultivate long term happiness. I’ve been so focused on the long term side of things, I’ve all but forgotten that everyday can be a source of happiness. Thankfully I’ve got great people in my life to gently remind me that it’s not always about the struggle, it can also be about the here and now. For that, I’m eternally grateful.

September 7, 2012 2

Sayonara August, Heeeeellllllo September!

As August FINALLY comes to a close, I reflect, as I always do, on my goals and things I’ve been working on.

I have to admit I could have probably put a bit more effort into my goals the last few weeks, but it’s been a complete disaster with most things in life. Work stresses, school started and they stress me out more than just about anything… plus there’s been a healthy dose of personal life struggles as well. So, yes, I could have devoted a bit more to the master plan here, but I just needed to focus on other things and that has been one of my goals: not being so hard on myself. I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve been given and I have to be ok with that. And, for the most part, I am.

BackToSchool — http://mgs.metamora.k12.il.us/

The last couple of weeks have been particularly challenging because of what I “lovingly” call the brain plague. The brain plague is a term I use for when my mind is going constantly, dwelling on things, particularly the past. I am a chronic comparer. By this I mean, I compare situations, people, myself… to things that I know. I compare last year, around this time, to now… to see what I was doing, how I’ve changed, how my life is better or worse. I do this with most things and as I’ve gotten older, thankfully, I do it less and less with people other than me. Historically, I’d compare people that I know to former people… I’m glad that’s *mostly* gone, but mentally, I still compare how I felt about certain types of situations and certain types of people, to see if the circumstances are better or worse or my actions are either of those. The brain plague is a particular type of dwelling I do about my personal history and it comes on occasion, especially in August for some reason. The thing that I’ve noticed this year about the brain plague is that I’m far less effected directly by the thoughts, but more the feelings. This has been a tough one because I’ve been feeling extra sensitive as of late and I’ve been picking up a lot of strange vibes. My motto has been “there’s something in the air”. Almost like a weight. I know that once I get the school rhythm and work balance figured out for the semester, the universe will right itself and I’ll be able to breathe again. Just a couple more days!

http://dieuwkeswaindesigns.wordpress.com/acrylic-artwork/gallery/something-in-the-air-oct-08-3/

So my goals are:

September and October
~Right Action
Be honest with myself and others, in thoughts, words and deeds, with compassion
Be generous: make time, give back and pay it forward
Find fun!: spend more time with those I love having adventures
Now, upon reading these goals, one might think that I’m a greedy, lying bore. Quite the contrary! However, I think that I have some tailoring to do with these goals. Being honest with myself means that I have to create boundaries and stick to them, as well as communicating honestly with myself and others if they have been crossed. I have a hard time with confrontation and I want to be able to express to people when I am hurt or upset and why. But I also want to be more open to others because I am often too reserved in certain situations. I think that will be a difficult part of the goals, being more open.

Generosity comes in various forms and I’m no stranger to giving… to a fault. But again, this is where boundaries come into play. However, I want to be generous in more meaningful ways. That means that I’ve got to not just do everything for those around me, which I’m prone to doing, but making time… especially time. But that also leads into having adventurous fun. I’m looking to have more fun and doing it with the people I love will not only create amazing memories, but it’ll also lend to me meeting like minded people to expand my friend base. Win/Win. :)

Anyway, after all the blathering, I’m looking forward to a new set of goals and enjoying the next few months! Woohoo!

August 30, 2012 0

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