Tag: Anxiety

Social media unrest

I’ve been sort of back on fb just over a week now. It’s exactly the same as I left it. The same bullshit politics and tragedies. The same people lamenting or embracing where they are in life. The same pictures of food, memes of animals, and photos of stupid people being themselves. 

Several people I know have recently taken breaks from not just social media, but all media and even become reclusive. Because of the terrible things, the bullshit politics, and the really awful things being spread, they simply had to take a break. These individuals are some of the strongest people I’ve ever known. That’s how you know the environment is toxic. When the people who can withstand the most get out, you know it’s beyond time. 

Social media has been an exceptional tool in our modern world. It’s successfully brought closer the furthest corners of the world. But at what cost? Are we truly to believe that spreading vitriol, trolling, cyber bullying, and hate crimes online are what these tools were meant to be used for? I certainly can’t imagine the creators could have even considered to what lengths human beings will go to hurt others, even in virtual spaces. It’s almost easier in these arenas because there’s an element of anonymity. 

While I’m absolutely not the first person to posit these questions or make the ties between hate and being anonymous, I am discovering the true nature of things for myself. I can’t say I’m a fan of what I see. It’s actually really sad. Moreover, it’s frightening that so many people are misinformed (probably myself too) and spreading hate and lies. It seriously makes me wonder if it’s worth it. 

My husband has gone about a week after removing all his friends from his friends list. He only still has his account because a couple of the groups he’s part of are really important to him. A couple car groups, an insect group, and a plant group- all of which he uses to ask questions about things that matter. The insect group is for our garden, and the plant group was for him to figure out what ‘weeds’ we had in our backyard. Both have proven quite helpful. 

But isn’t this what social media was designed for? Sharing information with people sometimes a half a world away? It seems like we’ve come a long way from that aspect. I’m hopeful that we can get back there before it’s really too late. 

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Fight or flight

It has become increasingly difficult to focus on my day job. Not only am I bored by the tasks and lack of opportunity for growth, but I also have so many other things in the works. I am working on becoming my own boss and business owner and trying to maintain some shred of hope, given the political climate in this country.

I’ve never felt such a direct and opposite “pulling” force between my fight and flight sides. Part of me wants to try and keep some semblance of the life I lead, to not lose hope, to fight the good fight and create the life I am meant for. But on the other hand, there is something strongly pulling me away from all that, telling me that my family is more important and getting them the hell out of this dumpster before it blows sky high. I just want to run away somewhere safe and hope there’s a life to come back to in four years.

Between social media and the mainstream media, I’m overwhelmed and saddened. The alternative media is equally disheartening. We are living in a very sad time for human rights and social responsibility. It can be paralyzing, and right now, I feel paralyzed with glimmers of motivation and action. It simply weighs heavy on my heart that the world is not shaping up to be a place where people are free to love and marry whomever they choose, that health is only for the wealthy, and that life is largely not affordable for those that work for a living. It is saddening. And those of us that were working toward those things, hoping beyond hope for those things, are devastated. The feeling is real.

Finding happiness in the destruction of everything we hold dear as a nation borders on impossible. The only thing keeping my head above water is my physical and moral obligation to not fuck up for my kid. She knows nothing of the world, of politics. She is content being a toddler and little else. She loves her parents, her pets, eating snacks, and good music. If only everything were that simple. But her smile makes my day worth the struggle. What else is there? My husband, gardening, pets that we care for… they’re the crux of my life. They are the catalyst to happiness, since happiness comes from within. My family makes me want to be a better person, to keep waking up every day, and to be happy when it’s appropriate.

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Meditation and me

I have always had a sordid relationship with meditation. I’ve had an extremely difficult time quieting my mind, pretty much my whole life. I am a very analytical person, and extremely sensitive to the world around me. This makes for difficult meditation sessions.

I’m currently taking some classes for a certification, and at some point we are asked to do a 30 day meditation “challenge”. It’s really just doing it for 30 straight days, for a minimum of 10 minutes. I’ve had several months to complete this task, but have procrastinated in beginning. I want to do it, but I know that it will be very challenging to me because my brain is pretty much a blender at all times. Stopping that swirling mess and quieting the motor, even for 10 minutes is not the easiest of things. It requires a lot of self-determination and lately, I’ve just simply been too distractible to even begin.

When I do decide that I’m going to do this thing that is looming over me, I’ll blog about my progress and lack thereof. I just know that a big part of my trepidation is focusing, even for 10 minutes, on something other than things I need to do…

As always, thanks for reading and I’ll be back soon!

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Meltdowns

Meltdowns come in a variety of forms and permutations. Children have them because they cannot articulate their needs in appropriate ways. Teens and young adults have them because they’re riddled with confusing hormones and conflicting needs. We adults have them too. In my case, it was because there were a million little things that build up over time. Eventually I get to the breaking point and I lose my shit. I end up yelling and crying, usually at my husband. Sometimes he’s the catalyst, and sometimes he isn’t, but more often than not he’s the target of the explosion.

I’ve gotten a lot better as I’ve gotten older. My meltdowns used to be MUCH worse for the person that ended up getting the full force of my wrath. What’s worse is that I used to be a “stuffer”. I’d stuff my feelings down and swallow them until there was just no room left inside me to stuff another feeling, until I exploded over someone. Too many times my roommate or boyfriend would be the sad soul to get the brunt of it. However, in many cases my then-boyfriend was the cause of much of my frustration.

These days my meltdowns are fewer and less devastating to both me and the other person. I’ve learned to try and communicate my feelings about situations as they arise and in a more constructive manner. Of course, we are all human, and I’m certainly not perfect. I’m a work in progress just as any other. So when I say I had a pretty gnarly meltdown yesterday, trust me, it was not pretty.

I’ve been harboring some feelings in the hopes that they would somehow subside, or that I could mentally deal with them and move on. Unfortunately, that just hasn’t been the case. Instead, there have just been more and more things to pile up on top of the heap. Of course the final straw was something that really shouldn’t have been as big as it was, but once I started yelling, it was all over.

Dinner was that final straw.

I was hungry, tired, frustrated, and still had not dealt with some underlying feelings and when I tried to talk about it, I got some arguing back and that was it. But really, what made me snap was about dinner.

So obviously, I’ve got a lot to work on as days go on. It was good that I was finally able to speak my piece though, albeit loudly with some tears. I feel a little lighter and that we can go forward from where we have been spinning. I don’t know that my husband feels exactly the same way, but I know he was able to say how he’s been feeling about certain things, and I hope we’ve come to a space of understanding.

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Change your story, change your life.

So as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been inspired by Tony Robbins recently. So much so, that I’ve checked out a money book that he wrote a few years ago as well. It’s a 600 pager, and certainly not “simple” as the cover would suggest… but I digress.

I recently discovered that with all his success, he’s a “controversial” motivational speaker. First, I would posit, what isn’t controversial these days? And second, he’s a motivational speaker. They are not far off from televangelists and others like them. However, that charisma, energy, sensationalism, and did I mention charisma, are what SELL you on their abilities. Without all that stuff, they’re just regular people like you and me, who may or may not be successful.

With that being said, I choose to believe in much of what he says. Before you roll your eyes, consider this: I am an eternal skeptic. I’m skeptical of everyone and frankly, everything. I am not buying what pretty much anyone is selling. On the flip side, I truly believe that people need something to believe in. Whether it’s based on science (or faith or whatever else), or not, human beings need something to believe in. You can be the person that believes in themselves, or extraterrestrial beings, or a deity in the heavens/Earth. Regardless of what it is, we feel compelled to believe in stuff. Although I’m positively a skeptic, I believe that Tony Robbins means well. I believe in my heart of hearts that he absolutely wants the best for other humans and if his words, actions, or advice get people to their goals, he and I are both on the same page. What’s funny is that we all have the capacity to disregard what does not serve us. If I don’t agree with something or a piece of advice, I can politely disregard it and take what is valuable to me, and move on. That’s what I’m choosing here.

So the piece of advice that rang truer to me than much else in this particular book (I’m listening to the audio version in the car during my commutes and such), is that if you change your story, you change y our life. For so many years my story began in a terrible place of loss, lacking, emotional and physical needs that were not being met by the very people meant to meet them, and a lifetime of persistence yielding few positive results. However, when I changed the dialogue, I changed my feelings about my life.

Instead of leading with how my life has essentially sucked from the beginning, I start off saying that my parents did their absolute best with what they had. I was raised by teenagers (my parents) and bikers (my father’s parents) in the 1980s, because my mother was kicked out for getting pregnant at 14. Both of my parents have demonstrated nothing but tenacity and a work ethic that I have seen very rarely by anyone else. Growing up in this environment has instilled in me that hard work is not to be foregone, but rather embraced. Conquering tasks is delightfully euphoric to me, and I know that they taught me this. Beyond that, my mother has taught me the art of unconditionally loving people, even if they don’t deserve it. She took a pack of teenage castaways into her home, and treated them as if they were her own children. I know they are still incredibly grateful for those years of respite from their own destructive stories.

So by changing the narrative of my life, even though we struggled (and often still do) for the entirety of my life, I have discovered that there are tangible and intangible skills and knowledge I’ve been blessed with. My ability to buckle down, even at the hardest points, and still get things done; the resourcefulness and creativity I show in difficult times; getting shit done, by any means necessary; protecting and supporting those around me; and so many more qualities have come from my upbringing. I couldn’t be more thankful for the hard life I’ve experienced. I chose to change my story. I would rather be in a place of positivity and gratitude than that of blame and looking back at my childhood. I don’t live there anymore and choose not to dwell on the past. Everything in my life has led to this moment in time, what I do with it is my choice alone.

I’m choosing to not only change the story from the start, but I’m changing it to the end. I have come to an impasse. I am faced with a number of decisions that will no doubt, impact the trajectory of the rest of my life. I’m nervous of the unknown, but I am confident in my abilities to make things work, by whatever means necessary. I am on a path of positivity and gratitude. Yes, shit can go haywire and slide off the rails, but if I choose to see adversity as opportunity, I will suffer less. As I have heard also in this audiobook: You get what you tolerate. Yes, this was in reference to finances, but I believe that it translates to every facet of life.

I am no longer tolerating negativity. Instead, I am living in a place of joy and gratitude. I will not tolerate people being shitty to me. Instead, I choose to no longer associate with an albatross. I will no longer be inundated with crap on the internet that is designed to be divisive, catty, inflammatory, or unkind. There is an “unfollow” button on social media that I’ve been using with impunity. It is my life and I seek to make it mine. These choices are not just for me, after all. I have a child that needs to see her mother in a state of happiness, thankfulness, and love. She doesn’t deserve to have me as a short, negative, unpleasant person and that’s how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been so weighed down by the world around me and I’ve decided that it no longer serves me. I’m thankful for Tony Robbins for the inspiration and motivation to remove things that no longer serve the greater good in my life. I someday hope to shake his hand and thank him for that gift.

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