Tag: Buddhism

Intelligence and the gift

I came across a brief video online today about the 6 things that prevent intelligent people from being happy. Of course, considering myself a smart person, I watched it. It was less than a minute long, because, come on now. There’s no way we’ve got time in our busy lives to watch something much longer than a minute.

Anyway, the following things are what this video (substantiated by unknown sources):

  • Overthinking
  • Having high standards
  • Being hard on oneself
  • Reality isn’t enough (always looking for meaning, lessons, or purpose)
  • Feeling alone or misunderstood
  • Higher IQ’s have been linked to psychological issues like anxiety and depression

So of course, since I’m an intelligent person, all of these things resonate with me. I am notorious for basically every single thing on this list. But the question is, does it inhibit my happiness to a certain degree? You betcha. All the time.

I agonize about virtually all aspects of my life, internally and externally. It’s an impossible position. I can never be good enough, nor can anyone else. Every single misstep, I turn it over and over and over and over in my mind. All the things that I should have said differently, done differently. Every bit of it. It’s extremely stressful to be human. I feel as though it cannot possibly be just me who does this. Other people, regardless of intellect, MUST have a similar human experience, right?

I watched another brief video the other day about sacrifice versus “giving”. For instance, giving your time to a cause that you feel passionate about is a gift. But feeling obligated to go to a function because it’s expected of you is sacrificing your happiness or your desires, which is placing you as a victim, rather than a benefactor of your time and energy. This also struck a chord with me. I often find myself in situations in which I feel pressured to attend or to do something that I’m not particularly interested in. Like going to a birthday party where I am going to be ignored by the hosts because other guests are “more demanding” and require doting, where I will not know anyone else, or the other attendees are generally unpleasant to me.

Attending this party feels forced. I’m not going to enjoy myself, and the other people around me aren’t going to be enjoying my presence. It’ll be awkward and lame for us all. However, because I feel guilty and other people place blame on me for “not supporting” the person who’s birthday it is. So I go to the thing. I sit there quietly, until it’s acceptable for me to quietly bow out. This is sacrificing my time, my energy, and my dignity, since I am a grown-ass woman who cannot set and maintain healthy boundaries with people.

Meanwhile, the same weekend there’s another birthday party. This party I’m excited about. This one is for a person that I really enjoy spending time with. I also like their family, who will also be attending. These folks like me and my family. We can sit and bullshit for hours and I love it. I literally cannot get enough of this group of people. This is a gift. I’m receiving a gift by attending. I get the gift of surrounding myself with people who appreciate my presence not only at their party, but also in their lives. Not only do they bring value to my life, but I theirs.

Being of value is something that I personally hold very dear. I don’t buy things that I do not need, because the things I purchase must bring value to my life. They must be useful and enrich my life in some way. I feel the same about the people in our lives. If they don’t enrich us and make us better people, they are a sacrifice, not a gift. Constantly sacrificing for the sake of others leaves us hollow shells. It does not give us the opportunity to enrich the lives of others or to bring value to those around us. We cannot share our gifts, and that is a shame indeed.

Sunrise
4:45am
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Worry and the art of letting go

Anxiety, worry, fretting, and similar feelings or actions are really just the inability for human beings to let go of something. It could be a person, a situation, the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”… but the crux is that there is something that we are attached to, that we cannot let go of.

I am just as, if not more so, guilty of this. I have severe anxiety about things that are TOTALLY out of my control. It’s so very easy for me to point out to other people, their turmoil and anguish is simply because they won’t let go of something. I recognize these traits in myself all the time, but I often feel powerless to stop the train. I end up rolling things over and over and over in my head, obsessing until things are blown so far out of proportion that it barely is recognizable to the initial problem. So not only can’t I let go of something, but I also explode it until it’s a mountain, instead of a molehill.

Clearly, not all issues are “molehills”. Some things that cause stress are exactly the opposite of a molehill. Some of the things in our lives are literally life and death. These things are not what I’m talking about here. Very serious issues warrant a certain amount of “letting go” too, but often come with a number of smaller problems that also must be dealt with.

However, with all things, there’s perceptions and levels of sensitivity. It’s important to focus on SOLVING the problems, rather than obsessing over how they’re impacting your life. The best way to “let go” is to solve the problem, so that it goes away. Dwelling has never solved a problem in and of itself, nor has holding on to pain and hurt feelings. I know many people who are close to me that are literally giving themselves physical health problems due to their inability to let go of pain. Old relationships, “what-ifs” and more have caused debilitating anxiety, heart issues, weight gain, fatigue, depression and more in these folks. It’s painful to watch from the outside, and it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of their struggle.

It’s extraordinarily hard to be an empath, dealing with your own struggles in this life, to then be the dumping ground for other people. This causes worry for both of us. In now in your boat, feeling what you feel… stressing with you. It makes you feel better that I’m there to comfort you, but it makes people around you feel worse. Letting go of the need to rescue those in need is a serious struggle toward self-care. It’s a battle I often lose for the sake of being “there” for those that I love. And the struggle is real.

I don’t have any advice for learning to let go, however, recognizing is the first step I guess. But I can say for sure that I’m good at recognizing but bad at letting things go, and also creating healthy boundaries. It’s something I work on daily.

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Good things happen to bad people…

I often find myself wondering exactly how it is that bad things happen to some of the most wonderful people and how great things can happen to some of the Earth’s most abhorrent.

I have this overwhelming sense that the world should be “fair” but simply isn’t and shit happens to people who are largely undeserving. Recently I read an article that tackled this exact thing. So, part of the hangup about bad things happening to good people is that we see the world as “just” or have a deep sense of “justice”, and good things for bad people is contrary to that ideal. However, this article posits that YES, the world is in fact “fair”. Simply put, the Law of Attraction- we create our own reality.

In essence, even if horrible people BELIEVE they are deserving of good things, they’ll get them. And on the flip side, if amazing people BELIEVE they’re not worthy of all that the universe has to offer, they’ll simply attract the negative things they worry about. Like attracts Like.

Now, the rationalist in me says that’s total bullshit, because again, justice. I mean, I cannot fathom that when horrible things happen: poverty, assault, kidnapping, murder, etc. these people are “asking for it” in the form of attracting it with their “vibrations”. That simply cannot reconcile in my head. At the same time, I’ve seen people quite literally manifest miracles out of thin air. The dream job, a sudden windfall, and more, have fallen into the laps of people, myself included.

So that really begs the question: Why cannot good things happen to only the “good” people? This is assuming that the construct of good and bad are based on sort of the collective conscious that things like rape, murder, theft, lying, etc are bad and charity, selflessness, joy, service, honesty, trust, etc are good things. Are they just not positive enough about themselves?

The article goes on to point out horrible employees as an example. How is it that shitty people who do nothing but brag, step on others, are disrespectful, and more manage to be continually promoted and held in high regard within organizations? It’s because they are CONVINCED that they’re great, so much so that they never shut up about their achievements, and they truly BELIEVE they deserve it, despite their clear character flaws. Whereas the “good” people, tend to be humble, with a deep sense of humility and candor. Rather than bragging and stepping on others, they will generally SHARE the accolades with their teams, or humbly and quietly stay out of the limelight.

So, my natural train of thought is how can one be humble and true to oneself, while also attracting good things? In other words, how can I gain and still not be a dick? Personally, I’ve found this a tough balance to walk. I am not one to brag about my achievements, but at the same time, I know that I am deserving of good things. I’m convinced that I still need to work on shifting my mindset to really solidify my stance that A) I am deserving of all the good things the universe has to offer and B) That I can still be humble while knowing this fact.

Thanks for reading!

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The overwhelming reality

So I was looking at my blog and realized this quasi-fledgling endeavor of mine has become part of what I refer to ‘Internet overwhelm’. Everyone knows that the internet is FILLED TO THE BRIM with more information, opinion, and the unknown than any one human could ever consume in an entire lifetime. Even people who are readers or people who stumble upon this particular blog, seem to be suffering from information fatigue.

This concept ties directly in with the recent posts over here about Facebook in particular, but social media generally. In a way, I’d consider blogs as social media. What I find most intersting though is that blogging seems to be less two-way interaction than other forms of social media. Of course there’s a comment section, which I encourage readers to make use of, it’s less immediate and public as posts to social media.

There’s this feeling as if between our personal lives and the atmosphere in the world, many forms of sharing just become part of the larger backdrop, and very little stands out anymore.  It all just becomes the hum around us.

After my break from social media, these nuances are becoming more clear and I’m categorically less interested in participating. Strangely and surprisingly, my husband who is an intense social media user, all but deleted his fb account today. He wants to keep in touch with a couple people and maintain his presence in a couple of niche groups, so he didn’t delete it completely. But he removed all of his friends, with three exceptions, myself being one of them.

He sent the friends he wants to maintain messages containing his email and phone number, but then promptly deleted them and moved on. I’m proud of him. I doubt I’ll go to that extent, but I have already found myself frustrated and annoyed with the state of these things.

What about you, the readers? Care to weigh in on your opinions?

Thanks for reading!

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The F*ck it Project

I have a coworker that lovingly said to me the other day that I’m like the twin she ate in the womb. I took that as we are weirdly similar. And we are. We share many similar experiences and as it turns out, know some of the same people. Our birthdays are even within a week of one another. It’s strange how much in common we have. But I digress. 

We were eating lunch together yesterday, which is fairly uncommon. I’m usually tethered to my desk or her to hers. But during our lunch, she was talking about her week and last weekend and some things that came up. We’ve both been experiencing stress from a variety of sources regarding things that are either A) completely out of our control or B) really not that important when it comes down to it. So she proposed a fuck it project. 

The idea is this: whenever we are feeling stress, anxiety, apprehension, or just a general lack of enjoyment in a situation that comes up, we will say fuck it, and do what we want or at least remove the attachment to the outcome. This is a very Buddhist approach and I immediately said yes. 

Surely we can’t do this type of thing at work, righ? Wrong. We are both still expected to perform our jobs pretty much flawlessly. We each have very demanding positions that require a lot of patience and dedication. We don’t do the same functions at our office, but they’re equally important. Because of the importance we are often overloaded, overworked, and simply over it. So instead of stressing out over a project or expectation, we are going to say fuck it, and remember that we are only human and that we can only do so much. We will not be guilted, harassed, or otherwise by ourselves or our bosses. Instead, fuck it. We will do our best, and that’s what will happen. 

We are doing this just for a week to see how we feel about it. But we will reconvene next week about the results. We will also hold each other accountable throughout the experience, since our work stations are very close together and we can see each other all day. I’m excited and a little nervous, since we both have the tendency to bear the weight of the world. But it’s heavy and I’m sick of carrying it. So fuck it. 

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