While chatting with a close friend this week, we were discussing a class I was taking. She said something off the cuff, along the lines of “Well, you are addicted to school”. I laughed and replied something such as “I’ve got an insatiable thirst for learning. School, can screw off”. This exchange really got me thinking though, about quests, especially for knowledge.

Successful business people, scientists, and expert musicians all have something in common- the drive and dedication to become masters of their field. Their approaches and motivation will surely differ, the focus and relentless pursuit of mastery are the same. The business person might go to college and obtain an MBA, or the scientist will pursue an advanced degree in their field of study. The musician may spend thousands and thousands of hours practicing, honing, and even receiving formal instruction for their craft. They each have their attention on doing their thing, and who knows what had to be sacrificed to attain their goal, whatever it may be. 

Not only is the motivation assuredly different between the above examples, but their WHY is almost assured to differ as well. The person in business could be motivated by money or status, recognition in their industry. The scientist could be searching for a specific cure or treatment, researching everything they can, to learn about a specific ailment or category of science. The musician may also be seeking recognition, but also perfection in their performances or some aspect of their particular instrument. 

Discovering something that you’re passionate about is often quite a chore for the average person. Pursuing the pinnacle of that passion, is largely unattainable for most folks. Sadly, the desire to earn a living and care for our families, often takes the front seat to our passions, which may or may not pay the bills. Turning a passion into an income is a double edged sword itself, since when you find your passion and then it becomes a job, it then becomes work. Generally, things that are “work” are rarely “fun”. How many stories have we heard about people monetizing their passions, only to burn out and burn it to the ground? I am a living example of that. My retail store and serving my community were my passion. I loved that work with every fiber of my being. However, I had no idea the level of stress that it placed on me (my own doing, absolutely), until it finally stopped. I used to wake up in the middle of the night in a full-on panic attack from the stress. It didn’t register how toxic it was, until the store closed. I am often nostalgic about that time and place in my life. However, there’s no way that we’d have survived the pandemic shutdowns, or the economic uncertainty that has followed these last several years. I’m truly grateful for the spot on my timeline, but I am also so grateful that it ended. 

So what have I been doing these last several years, besides living through the most unique and bizarre time of my lifetime? Questing. Outside of my survival mode, is the person who needs a quest to feel unstuck. My motivation comes from action and learning is the best way to move me to action. During the covid shutdowns, I purchased a class that I only watched a few lessons on, because I was distracted with my full time remote job, my family (including a preschool/kindergarten aged youngster, and one getting ready for and starting high school), and all the feelings of uncertainty, unrest, instability, and overall weariness from not only the pandemic, but the George Floyd uprising in my community, the PTSD from my previous relationship’s catastrophic end, the end of my business, moving across the country….you name it. Needless to say, I did not complete that course at that time. But I did complete it. Last month, I dedicated my time and energy to finishing the course and my certification. Before wrapping that up, I decided to sign up for another course, which I completed almost in the same week as the first one. I also started a third certification course this week, which is where the conversation with my friend came in. 

Outlining these things isn’t to brag about my “accomplishments”. Far from it. Rather, it’s because I’ve rekindled a long forgotten passion of mine, one that I had for many years. Moving back to the city I grew up in, from my birthplace and home for more than two decades, has sparked a number of things in me that have allowed me to rekindle parts of my life that I’d all but forgotten about entirely. I feel, in some ways, like moving back here was a homecoming of sorts. In my youth, I couldn’t get away from here fast enough, back to the Southwestern United States. When I got there I realized that the Midwest wasn’t as awful as I thought. However, the climate change was welcome. I hate snow so very much. 

Moving back to the Midwest in 2019 though, as a person who never drove in this city (I was 15 when we moved away) and with a very limited view, I realize that I missed out on a lot of really interesting things. That’s not to say that I didn’t have an interesting life in my younger years, because I absolutely did. As a grown up, I’m able to revisit those experiences and places from my youth, and either experience them fully and appreciate them differently, or as has been the case, see the experience through fresh eyes with my child. She has been able to see and experience many of the things that I did, and things I wished I could have done in my childhood. It’s been quite fulfilling to wrap up these memories in a different way, or see them from the lens of adulthood. I truly believe that this has been part of the quest all along, coming home to MYSELF. Home, for me, isn’t a place. I’ve never lived anywhere long enough to feel a sense of home, outside of the city I live(d) in. But this knowledge and experience has fanned the spark of my passions anew. 

Those passions, my insatiable thirst for knowledge, and revisiting ancient memories, have really allowed me to develop a deeper sense of self and of who I am in this body. I haven’t changed really. As an aside, I think we are all forever changed by covid and it’s a collective trauma that will mark our species for generations. But it gave me and my family, amidst the horror and tragedy that unfolded, an opportunity to grow closer in many ways. It allowed me to think about what I want from this experience. I recognize that many people were not so privileged and my heart goes out to those who experienced profound loss and destruction to their lives. I carry that weight with me as not only a human on this earth, but as an empathic person who can feel the sorrows around me. My experience of learning and growing was not always the shared experience. I am still healing and working through the last 6 years of my life. I’m certain many of us, even before covid, had something that was unhealed. Coming home to myself has been instrumental in that. Learning and growing in my knowledge, experience, and certifications has bolstered the feelings of satisfaction, renewal, and connection I have within myself. My spiritual practices have deepened significantly, through learning and practice. I’ve connected more intently with my sangha, through learning and taking on greater responsibilities. My spiritual connection to my family has deepened as well. Both my husband and our kiddo have fully embraced the teachings and practices of our Buddhist tradition, whereas previous partners of mine, had no such desire. Sharing my spiritual life with those closest to me has been such a wonderful experience. 

I see all of the learning, growing, advancing, sharing, connecting, and all the other facets of finding (again) my passions and coming home to myself more fully, as the ultimate quest. My personal quest of fulfillment and authenticity, connection and creativity. I also think that my brand of neuro-spicy simply needs to KNOW EVERYTHING. That also helps in the questing department. I wish you all the luck on your personal quests, whatever they are. I truly hope they are fulfilling and create a sense of “home” within you.

Thanks for reading.