Tag: cats

Do you?

The last few days, I’ve been meditating prior to beginning my writing for the day. Today, I spent my morning tending to someone in pain, rather than officially meditating. That in a way, was meditative, to me. It gets me out of my own head, focused on another, with nothing but help and kindness on my brain. However, I’ve also been letting some ideas marinate outside of the meditative process, so that these ideas settle into my conscious mind. For instance, I’ve been listening to a couple of books, as I’ve previously mentioned, but I stopped earlier in the week, so that the concepts can sink in and become resonate in my conscious mind. My subconscious has it under control, I’m sure. But the slow part of my silly human head, that “rational” part… it takes time to “get it” quite regularly. Anyway, these ideas are slowly coming into their resting places in the old noodle.

Simultaneously today, I had a conversation with a couple of dear friends about 100% different things. One is a rather new friend, but he and his wife and I have a very deep friendship, bordering on family. The other is a lifelong friend, whom has been my partner in many adventures since we were teenagers. Both conversations were moving and shone of synchronicity to things I’m developing in my own personal life. Without giving out too many details of these interactions, I am simply grateful to be the caliber of person that those close to me seek advice from. I feel so honored and blessed that I can help people work through difficulties in their lives. It’s truly my life’s work to be in service of others, and to make the world a better place for everyone that inhabits it.

This is literally the reason I am not only a Buddhist, but also an animal advocate. It is my sincere wish that no being on this planet suffers, and while much suffering is unavoidable, I aim to inflict zero suffering on those I encounter. I do not kill animals for food, clothing, or otherwise. I do not kill insects. I am grateful for the plants that gave their “lives”, while not sentient, they are comprised of energy and I respect that force. By no means is this to say I’m better than anyone. Quite the contrary. I believe that I am no better, therefore, I have no right to take that which is not mine to take. Lives of sentient creatures are not mine. Beyond not willfully inflicting suffering, it is my mission to help those in need.

Too often in our society is it easy to get what is called “compassion fatigue”, and as an empathic person, I am continually overwhelmed by the sadness around me locally, and globally. However, I have always been taught to look for the helpers. In every tragedy, there are people doing good and that is how folks like me don’t lose all faith in humanity pretty much every single day. Instead, looking for those bright spots instills faith that all hope is not lost, and when there are no visible helpers, BECOME ONE. By taking up the mantle of HELPER, you empower other people to do the same. It is often uncomfortable and sometimes downright scary to be the helper, but it is so worth it in the end. Ripples become waves and we can change the world. We just must start with ourselves and work outward. In short, be the helper. Be the light. It can literally change the world.

With sincere gratitude, thank you for reading.

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Some thoughts on gratitude

Grateful seems such a trite simplification of what it is that I feel these days. Upon searching for synonyms for the word, thankful, beholden, pleased, and indebted came across. Still, none of these feels like the right word… Appreciative, contented, happy, satisfied, charmed… that’s getting closer.

Regardless of the triviality of the words by which we are limited, I am indeed, overcome with deep gratitude for where things are in my life. Is daily life on this rock difficult? Sure thing. Do I get worn down by the daily grind? You betcha. Do I feel a constant stirring in my gut telling me that I’m on the right path, albeit restlessly? Absofuckinglutely. There is not a fiber of my being that is telling me I should be elsewhere, for maybe the first time in my life. I am currently creating the life I’ve always dreamed of, not necessarily where I thought I would, and certainly not with whom I ever thought possible. But that’s the fun of creating something you’ve never created before. The surprises. 

I am not one to be surprised by much, simply because I have seen and done many things that are stranger than fiction. However, once in a while, I am awestruck by the strangeness that my life has become. I have been driving to work in my car, and thought to myself, “How. The Hell. Did. I. Get. Here.” I say this to my partner several times a week, it seems. How did we get here? With all the twists and turns and shake-ups… we ended up here, in this space together. It’s very bizarre. But I am grateful. 

I’m overcome with gratitude when I pick up my daughter from my sister’s house every day after work. She comes running out the door, yelling “Mommy! Mommy! You’re back!” and I tell her, “Yes, baby. I will always come back for you.” Pure bliss is on her face, so excited to see me after a long day of playing with cousins she’s just recently met, and a loving family that have been too far away until we moved across the country for better opportunities. 

I am showered in gratitude, like waves in the ocean, the feeling of love and connectedness washes over me in these simple moments. Holding my kiddo, waking up with my partner, relaxing on the couch with the dogs and cats. All of these simple joys are what my soul has needed recently, after the months of anxiety and stress, the challenges I’ve recently had to face. After losing almost everything, I can only live in a place of love and gratitude. There’s no other place to inhabit. I have been blessed with exactly the life that I’m meant to have.

And by no means is this post meant to be braggadocious. Quite the opposite, actually. I firmly believe that if I am deserving of everything my heart has truly desired, a simple, beautiful life… it can be had be anyone. We ALL DESERVE to have a simple life, full of love, devotion, gratitude and grace. We just have to let it in, and let the bullshit wash off. Happiness is a choice. The Universe WANTS that for us. We just have to choose it. I choose happy every single day. You can too.

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Long Division

How does one separate something that has taken years to build? It could have taken 2 years, or 20, but each day you added bricks and build a foundation, walls, windows… it develops into a fortress to protect you from the world. This fortress is supposed to be impenetrable. It shields all the inhabitants inside. So how, and where, does one even start to take it down? Do you burn the drawbridge? Trebuchet the shit out of the exterior? It’s hard to know, I guess. Circumstances often dictate the destruction of your fort.

But what do you do if you’re not mad, but have simply decided that this fort is shit, and you don’t want to live there anymore? Do you attempt to keep the status quo until arrangements change? Do you still burn the drawbridge and trebuchet the exterior? What about a volatile situation? What then? When inside the fortress is nothing but pure chaos, and there’s fires everywhere? How does one process getting everyone to safety? What does safety even look like, when you’re bed is in flames? Are there really any survivors? Nobody escapes totally unscathed, right?

long_division_8

And there’s the long division. Strangely enough, if you never unpack, it’s easier to move. But now, we must sift through every. single. thing. to determine what belongs to whom, or who gets it in the dividing process. Then, there’s the others in the fortress… what becomes of them? The friends? You know everyone chooses sides, whether or not they consciously chose a side. Even family chooses sides, despite best efforts. It’s like we drew a line, and everyone decides which side they’ll forever stand on.

What I’ve determined is the worst of all, is the feeling of sudden emptiness. Loneliness. You once had a sounding board to share in your trials and triumphs with. Now, there’s friends or family, but it’s not the same. I want to share my joys and sorrows with someone who is in the fortress WITH me. We are fighting on the same side, in the same battles. People outside the fort, they just can’t appreciate the inner workings of your brain and heart, without first having to explain yourself. That is fucking exhausting. Constantly going over the same stuff, all the time. I just want to have my heart safely in the hands of someone I don’t have to “preface” with. New is positively exciting. Electric. But old, it’s comforting, familiar. That’s not to say I want a damn thing to do with this decaying rubble, but there’s something to be said for the familiar.

My heart aches for what it doesn’t have. My mind longs for a simple life. My intuition knows that this has expired and that it’s no longer home for me. Now what do I do with myself?

 

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Love is a choice

Life, like love, is messy and complicated, difficult and flat out hard. We want it to be fun and exciting, but things bog us down, make us heavy. The trick to love, is to fight through that hard and find the things that are beautiful.

There have been times where I’m at my heaviest, and I see something so simple, a glimmer in time, and it makes me feel weightless for just a moment. It’s the breadcrumb that keeps me going. The trail leading me to the next bend in the pathway.

My life has been particularly heavy as of late, and it’s got no chance of lifting in the near future. I’ve been seething with anger at people who could have chosen love. I’ve been shattered by words and deeds, crushed by apathy and indifference. Everything has been flipped upside down.

However, just like love, hate is a choice. I can choose to be angry, sad, and destructive toward myself and others. But what good would come of it? My child would see a mother who is consumed by loathing and frustration. A mother set on destruction- destroying the ones who hurt her, and all the bonds for both sides.

I choose love. Through the fear and anger, the betrayal and malice. I choose love. Letting the anger consume me isn’t doing anyone any favors, especially my kid. I need to be a whole person, one who models the life I want to teach. I need to find the grace in what is otherwise a heartbreaking situation. For me, for my daughter.

Am I still hurt? Sure. Pissed off? Yup. But am I going to waste another moment of my life hating someone? Nobody got time for for that.

Ironically, the year of forced growth has put some important things into perspective for me. The last several years have been a bizarre re-enactment of a previous chapter in my life, but instead of playing the “me” role, I’m the other person. I see now, with glaring clarity what I did to completely derail and sabotage my own life back then. It’s taken much longer than I’d like to admit for me to come to that conclusion, but I got here.

Not only do I now recognize my shortcomings in great detail, but I perfectly understand how they felt during that time. I’ve been beating myself up for more than a decade, because I didn’t completely understand both sides of the equation. But here we are. Lesson learned. Because life is messy and complicated, it couldn’t be quite so easy to extricate from as the first time, since, it took me so fucking long to learn it. However, I’m here now in the right place. It feels terrible in every way. Lesson learned. And through it all, I choose love. It’s all I’ve got left.

Thanks for reading.

Photo credit: wordporn

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Fight or flight

It has become increasingly difficult to focus on my day job. Not only am I bored by the tasks and lack of opportunity for growth, but I also have so many other things in the works. I am working on becoming my own boss and business owner and trying to maintain some shred of hope, given the political climate in this country.

I’ve never felt such a direct and opposite “pulling” force between my fight and flight sides. Part of me wants to try and keep some semblance of the life I lead, to not lose hope, to fight the good fight and create the life I am meant for. But on the other hand, there is something strongly pulling me away from all that, telling me that my family is more important and getting them the hell out of this dumpster before it blows sky high. I just want to run away somewhere safe and hope there’s a life to come back to in four years.

Between social media and the mainstream media, I’m overwhelmed and saddened. The alternative media is equally disheartening. We are living in a very sad time for human rights and social responsibility. It can be paralyzing, and right now, I feel paralyzed with glimmers of motivation and action. It simply weighs heavy on my heart that the world is not shaping up to be a place where people are free to love and marry whomever they choose, that health is only for the wealthy, and that life is largely not affordable for those that work for a living. It is saddening. And those of us that were working toward those things, hoping beyond hope for those things, are devastated. The feeling is real.

Finding happiness in the destruction of everything we hold dear as a nation borders on impossible. The only thing keeping my head above water is my physical and moral obligation to not fuck up for my kid. She knows nothing of the world, of politics. She is content being a toddler and little else. She loves her parents, her pets, eating snacks, and good music. If only everything were that simple. But her smile makes my day worth the struggle. What else is there? My husband, gardening, pets that we care for… they’re the crux of my life. They are the catalyst to happiness, since happiness comes from within. My family makes me want to be a better person, to keep waking up every day, and to be happy when it’s appropriate.

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