Tag: education

Meditation and email are hard

Meditation is hard, I think.

Or is it? I am someone who struggles with sitting still. Relaxing is a monumental task. Quieting my mind is Sisyphus worthy. However, this is exactly why I am forcing myself to do it. Really, “forcing” isn’t exactly accurate. I’m excited to be embarking this adventure, truthfully. I’m all about bettering myself and creating the best version of myself every day. Since I’m not in competition with anyone, I simply seek to be better than I was yesterday. However, meditation is still hard, in a way. 

Recently, I’ve listened to several audiobooks (thank you, library) about meditation and manifestation, as in many ways there are overlaps with the methodology between the two concepts. I’ve listened to books about chanting meditations, spiritual meditations, secular meditation practices, and how to manifest one’s own destiny. Not only have I taken the pieces from each of these works that resonates with me, but I’ve discarded the parts that are at odds with my beliefs or ethics. 

For instance, I was listening to a book yesterday and the author prescribes a “diet” during what he describes as a spiritual cleanse. You are supposed to follow this diet while doing this particular regimen. The foods in this diet are limited in scope, for a purpose, according to the writer, however, I am a long-time vegetarian and vegan. He recommends eschewing vegan beliefs for the sake of the cleanse, to which I promptly said, “Not fucking happening”. I’m unapologetically vegan and no doctor is going to suggest that I’m more important than the life of the animals they are trying to get me to eat. Sorry, bro.

Because I subscribe to no dogmatic religious order, I can read and take lessons from all the sage philosophers throughout the ages. I get to glean lessons taught by Jesus, Gandhi, Buddha, Confucius, Copernicus, Plato, Einstein, and Galileo. Plus, anyone else that I see fit. I don’t have to follow a religion to find lessons in their teachings. Being a non-theist is awesome that way. I believe that there are lessons in all things, including my meditation practice. 

In many ways, I believe intense focus on a thing, whether it’s chanting, breathing, non-thinking, or whatever I’m choosing to use during that meditation session is a means to enlightenment and self-mastery. I also think that writing can be a form of meditation, as can walking, or skating, or dancing, and countless other avenues. The ways to enlightenment are vast. There simply cannot be just one method that is “right” for everyone. And even if there was, I’m positive that I could never do it that way. I just cannot find it in myself to do the things that everyone else are doing. It’s not who I am at my core. I’m not wired that way. And I think that’s something that many people struggle with during meditation. People are taught a way of doing it and are convinced that it’s the ONLY way. When it doesn’t work for them, or they struggle, they get down on themselves for not doing it “right”. I know that this was me not very long ago. But here’s the secret… the “right” way, is the way that works. If you find that doing something a certain way doesn’t feel right, do the thing differently. Find a way to do anything and everything that works for you. If it works for you, how can it be “wrong”? Right? 

In my old Buddhist temple, one of the discussion leaders was frequently saying to the group discussion participants, and I’m assuming it’s from a Buddhist text that I’ve not read (there are many), that there are 108,000 ways to become enlightened. Who’s to say there are not many more? Find the path that is designed for you, and if there isn’t one, forge your own. No matter what, don’t stop trying to find the things that work for you specifically. Do not bend to the will of others if it is unsustainable. It will leave you angry, weak, misshapen, and often-times, broken. Find your path and it will not be quite as hard to walk it. Meditation is something that I look forward to now, because I get to experiment with what will help me quiet my busy brain, and also deepen my soul’s connection with all things.

P.s. I wrote this yesterday, but forgot to email it to myself from my work computer. 😑

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Some thoughts on gratitude

Grateful seems such a trite simplification of what it is that I feel these days. Upon searching for synonyms for the word, thankful, beholden, pleased, and indebted came across. Still, none of these feels like the right word… Appreciative, contented, happy, satisfied, charmed… that’s getting closer.

Regardless of the triviality of the words by which we are limited, I am indeed, overcome with deep gratitude for where things are in my life. Is daily life on this rock difficult? Sure thing. Do I get worn down by the daily grind? You betcha. Do I feel a constant stirring in my gut telling me that I’m on the right path, albeit restlessly? Absofuckinglutely. There is not a fiber of my being that is telling me I should be elsewhere, for maybe the first time in my life. I am currently creating the life I’ve always dreamed of, not necessarily where I thought I would, and certainly not with whom I ever thought possible. But that’s the fun of creating something you’ve never created before. The surprises. 

I am not one to be surprised by much, simply because I have seen and done many things that are stranger than fiction. However, once in a while, I am awestruck by the strangeness that my life has become. I have been driving to work in my car, and thought to myself, “How. The Hell. Did. I. Get. Here.” I say this to my partner several times a week, it seems. How did we get here? With all the twists and turns and shake-ups… we ended up here, in this space together. It’s very bizarre. But I am grateful. 

I’m overcome with gratitude when I pick up my daughter from my sister’s house every day after work. She comes running out the door, yelling “Mommy! Mommy! You’re back!” and I tell her, “Yes, baby. I will always come back for you.” Pure bliss is on her face, so excited to see me after a long day of playing with cousins she’s just recently met, and a loving family that have been too far away until we moved across the country for better opportunities. 

I am showered in gratitude, like waves in the ocean, the feeling of love and connectedness washes over me in these simple moments. Holding my kiddo, waking up with my partner, relaxing on the couch with the dogs and cats. All of these simple joys are what my soul has needed recently, after the months of anxiety and stress, the challenges I’ve recently had to face. After losing almost everything, I can only live in a place of love and gratitude. There’s no other place to inhabit. I have been blessed with exactly the life that I’m meant to have.

And by no means is this post meant to be braggadocious. Quite the opposite, actually. I firmly believe that if I am deserving of everything my heart has truly desired, a simple, beautiful life… it can be had be anyone. We ALL DESERVE to have a simple life, full of love, devotion, gratitude and grace. We just have to let it in, and let the bullshit wash off. Happiness is a choice. The Universe WANTS that for us. We just have to choose it. I choose happy every single day. You can too.

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Love is a choice

Life, like love, is messy and complicated, difficult and flat out hard. We want it to be fun and exciting, but things bog us down, make us heavy. The trick to love, is to fight through that hard and find the things that are beautiful.

There have been times where I’m at my heaviest, and I see something so simple, a glimmer in time, and it makes me feel weightless for just a moment. It’s the breadcrumb that keeps me going. The trail leading me to the next bend in the pathway.

My life has been particularly heavy as of late, and it’s got no chance of lifting in the near future. I’ve been seething with anger at people who could have chosen love. I’ve been shattered by words and deeds, crushed by apathy and indifference. Everything has been flipped upside down.

However, just like love, hate is a choice. I can choose to be angry, sad, and destructive toward myself and others. But what good would come of it? My child would see a mother who is consumed by loathing and frustration. A mother set on destruction- destroying the ones who hurt her, and all the bonds for both sides.

I choose love. Through the fear and anger, the betrayal and malice. I choose love. Letting the anger consume me isn’t doing anyone any favors, especially my kid. I need to be a whole person, one who models the life I want to teach. I need to find the grace in what is otherwise a heartbreaking situation. For me, for my daughter.

Am I still hurt? Sure. Pissed off? Yup. But am I going to waste another moment of my life hating someone? Nobody got time for for that.

Ironically, the year of forced growth has put some important things into perspective for me. The last several years have been a bizarre re-enactment of a previous chapter in my life, but instead of playing the “me” role, I’m the other person. I see now, with glaring clarity what I did to completely derail and sabotage my own life back then. It’s taken much longer than I’d like to admit for me to come to that conclusion, but I got here.

Not only do I now recognize my shortcomings in great detail, but I perfectly understand how they felt during that time. I’ve been beating myself up for more than a decade, because I didn’t completely understand both sides of the equation. But here we are. Lesson learned. Because life is messy and complicated, it couldn’t be quite so easy to extricate from as the first time, since, it took me so fucking long to learn it. However, I’m here now in the right place. It feels terrible in every way. Lesson learned. And through it all, I choose love. It’s all I’ve got left.

Thanks for reading.

Photo credit: wordporn

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Forced Growth

Recently I was reading about what’s in store for 2019, according to astrologers. Apparently, it’s not going to be “my year”, but rather a year of forced growth. When I read this, I laughed.

For many years I’ve said that the Universe, when you’re too thick skulled to learn certain lessons, despite repeated “opportunities” to learn, will in fact force your hand. The Universe is funny like that. You only get so many tries before it’s like, “ok, dummy, we are doing this my way”. I’m notoriously thick skulled sometimes.

I want to think the best of people. I want to think we are all on the same team, that our goals align, and that nobody is selfish. However, repeatedly, I’m proven wrong and forced to reevaluate. When I don’t figure out the lesson after GLARING examples, the Universe forces my hand. Forced. Growth.

I was searching the internet yesterday for a photo to use on this, and another blog. I knew that I wanted a lotus. Nothing says “forced growth” better than a flower that cannot grow, but from the murky waters below. No mud, no lotus.

Pretty much all plants are amazing in this way. They’re buried underground, and from the dirt, beauty and abundance take form. They face uncertainty, predators, adverse growing conditions, flooding, drought… everything should be against these tiny seeds, and yet, many of them survive and thrive. There are boat loads of casualties, but the standard is growth.

Nature WANTS plants to make it. So does the Universe. Just as in nature, the Universe WANTS us to be fruitful. Just as seeds, we are hardwired for survival.

So what lessons am I being forced to learn this year? Notafreakingclue. But I can say for sure, that if this year is anything like the last, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Truthfully, I’m still licking my wounds from 2018. The sting is still very real. But this train is full steam ahead. There’s no stopping it. How many metaphors can I mix? The world may never know.

It’s hard to grow. They say adversity “builds character”, but I’m kind of over this “build, burn, rebuild” cycle. I just want things to be easy for a change. Smooth. But as I keep trying to assure myself, the best is yet to come. However, the realist in me knows, as the Buddha described “life is suffering”. So to be without suffering, we are without life.

Thanks for reading.

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No more answers, only more questions

A friend asked me the other day how long it’s been since I’ve written anything. I casually tell her I write copy for social media posts and 100 million emails all the time. She gently laughed and asked when I wrote for myself.

Obviously, if you’re a reader of this blog, you know that answer. I’ve not been writing for myself, if we can even call it that, for more than a year. What happened, you say? I started a business, quit my day job, moved, and so many more things. But why haven’t I written, through all of those things? I don’t know. Anxiety and stress and depression can be shitty sometimes, I guess. Life gets hard, and it’s harder to post to a blog called A Year of Lasting Happiness, when you feel like pitching yourself off a bridge.

But it’s not without saying, that I miss it. I miss these moments of outpouring: my thoughts and feels on a page. I don’t “have time”… read: I don’t MAKE time. I don’t make the time to put words to page when I feel like a mess. And life, it’s been messy, and complicated, and simply… hard.

There’s been these moments, breadcrumbs I call them, that keep me going. That keep me fighting the good fight. It’s been too long without writing, and the longer I wait, the harder it is to do the thing, and the easier it gets to put off the feeling of longing in my chest, for the words.

The words, you say? Yes. The words. Words, words, words. Those things floating around my head like leaves on a pond. Barely touching the surface, but still connecting. Sometimes my brain swallows up the words, and other times, they’re bursting out my mouth, rapid fire, like a machine gun. I speak so fast sometimes I have to repeat myself, because the listener didn’t even catch them all.

Catching. Them. All.

I have more questions now, than answers. Like, what have I done, and for crying out loud, WHY. But the answers escape me like a child chasing a feather. I reach- wind catches it- floats away gracefully on a breeze.

It’s funny, this life. And by funny, I mean, I don’t know. This seems like the perfect place to say something coy, like, “life is what happens when you’re waiting for life to happen” or some such thing. But, all I can say with certainty is that life is funny. So hard, but equally funny.

I heard on a recent podcast that drinking to take the edge off, takes off the edges at both ends. It took me a few days of kicking that around my head, but it resonated for some reason. I don’t think me having a beer or whatever, after a long or particularly difficult day is “taking my edges off”, but rather, the burdens of daily life have worn my edges smooth, like a rock in a mighty river. This is what happens as we age. All our edges, worn smooth by the hands of time, and gently molding us into everyone else. Slowly eroding our jagged parts, the parts that have seen some shit. The parts that are unique. Revealing nothing but supple roundness, eventually, slowly, wearing us away into oblivion. In a way, that’s a tragic end for the rock. But it happens so slowly, that nobody really even notices, the rock just gradually shrinks into nothingness.

I don’t want to shrink into nothingness. I want to be jagged sometimes, to be sharp. Fierce. But who has the energy? Who isn’t a sack of exhaustion anymore? With jobs, partners, children, parents, houses, cars, any manner of obligations. Who has the time to be SHARP? Who has the energy to be JAGGED?

There’s a Japanese saying “The nail that sticks up, gets hammered down”. It’s basically a lesson in homogenous conformity, which is why their society is so uniform, in a way. But this is also from the culture where it’s totally acceptable to sleep under your desk at work overnight, to work 90 hours a week, and sadly, to work oneself literally to death. Are these people the rocks getting worn down?

There are other homogenous societies that value LESS working, but are somehow “just” as productive. The entirety of Scandinavia is the hallmark of how awesome it can be to live in a relatively wealthy country, with socialized medicine, that also values chilling. They get something like a month or more PAID vacation. I’ve not been on vacation in years. Even before I quit my job, I still didn’t get much, if any, paid time off. It’s crazy.

I still have more questions, than answers. I don’t feel any closer to finding what’s real, besides the fact I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow, and the next day. And also my capacity to love a small human more than anything else on this planet.

My wish for 2019 is that I can set the groundwork for more balance. I need to stop juggling everydamnthing, while carrying the weight of the world on my back. That started today. We’ve made tough choices, but it will give me something closer to a life, in this life.

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