Tag: gardening

Racing rats

This week has effectively sidelined all best laid plans. I was working from home, which I cannot express my gratitude for the ability to do, so I was highly distracted and pulled in many directions. I felt like I was a piece of taffy being pulled, almost to the breaking point, in a few instances. My kiddo was demanding and couldn’t understand that I had a meeting with my boss over video. She was frustrating me to no end. Because I was home, she thought it was party time. The pets thought this, as well, it seems. On any given day, they spend several hours in their crates without issue, and yet, if I put them in there during an important virtual meeting with my global team, all hell breaks loose. If I were ever to have a remote job, I’d have to invest in an office outside the house, because juggling all these demanding creatures is for the birds.

So, as anyone that is following along can attest, I didn’t even come close to my writing goal this week. On one hand, I could be angry or frustrated with myself for not keeping up on a thing that I not only promised myself, but promised others. However, I know that life happens and sadly, I’m only a human, as I’ve mentioned in this blog countless times. I have to be able to give myself the grace to not achieve what I intend sometimes. I would not lambast a person close to me because they were busy with family and work obligations, and didn’t make time to write a blog for a few days. Would you?

Again, as I’ve mentioned, I’m going to create space for myself, as if I were a close friend or family member. Doing this, is exceptionally challenging when running the rat race.

For a brief moment, I got to leave the race, and run my own. There are parts of that I miss desperately. There are other parts of that scenario, in which I would never wish on my worst enemy. But overall, the experience was beautiful and stressful. The new race that I’m running is a familiar one in many ways. I’ve traveled this path before, and it’s predictable in it’s construction, despite the location being different. The challenge to this race is multifold. Dealing with people is often the most challenging part. Beyond dealing with the same people day in and day out in a confined space, is the work itself. Most of my daily activities revolve around the same two or three tasks, more or less repeating themselves for at least eight hours a day, five days a week. It’s truly exhausting to “look busy” when in fact, you’re bored to tears.

In my race, I have a hard and fast rule. If at the six month point of any position, I am not riveted by the work or exceptionally loyal to the people I work with, I cut the cord. There has to be a reason that I say past six months. Does this look great on a resume? Nope. It’s surely hurt my job search in the past. However, I am not going to be miserable for an indeterminate amount of time, simply to make my resume look good to someone I’ve never met, in the possible future. It’s not how I’m wired. My time and energy are too valuable. And I respect my employers more than just occupying space that is not a good fit. I respect their time and money, and want them to have someone who LOVES working there. If it’s not me, I’ve got to move on.

In our personal lives, how often do we endure things that do not serve us? How do we allow things to continue that are draining, exhausting, and leave us bored? How many times do we let emotional vampires suck our energy completely dry? This is why I cut it, when things no longer serve me. If I don’t have a reason to stay, I’m out.

Once upon a time, I thought this was weakness. I thought that I was a coward for bailing out on things that did not excite me. However, I realized that it takes an incredible amount of courage to not only make a rule, but to stick to it, without question. It’s also an investment in yourself, by appreciating your time, energy, attention, and emotional awareness. You have to understand your feelings to pin point all of these things. The rat race may still have to be ran, but we do have the power to decide how we run it.

Thanks for reading.

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Mulligan

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Without making excuses, I didn’t do all the parts to my challenge yesterday. I didn’t write and I didn’t meditate for 5 mins. More like, 30 seconds before I fell asleep. So, I’m back to day one of this adventure. I’m glad that I didn’t make it to day 37 and have to start again, but I suspect that this is going to be a theme for a little while. However, even then, what difference does it really make? I’ll likely have to start over more than just this time, in all reality. Since, busy life and forgetful.

That brings up an interesting issue, that’s kind of been a theme today. Starting over, while totally annoying, isn’t always a bad thing. You get to perfect whatever it is and get it right. You get to try new ways of doing things, in hopes of learning and growing. You get to experience a deeper relationship with yourself and possibly those around you. Notice how I say “get to” instead of “have to”.

Take a look to your left right now, and then to your right. Look up, down, all around. THIS is your life. It’s the life you’ve currently got, and only you can change your circumstances to change your life, if you aren’t happy. There’s nothing else, this is what you’ve got. Sometimes that’s a really harsh reality. I’ve been there, recently. Trust me when I say accepting your station in life blows… hard. The good news that it’s never, ever too late to start over. Yes, starting over bites the big one too, sometimes. Nobody said it would be easy. Yet, in many cases it’s so fucking worth it. If it turns out that this new life you’ve created blows too, guess what? You can have another do-over!

Looking back, I’ve lived at least four distinct lives since my late teens. Each era seems like an entire lifetime in a jar, and in many cases that is exactly true. However, about every 7-10 years we totally ARE different people. All of our cells have been reborn at least once, and we are simply older and wiser, theoretically. We are shedding our old selves in slow motion almost. It’s really a cool thing about the human body. But more to the point, even our brains are reborn about every decade, leaving us to think and be new with each passing era in our lives. Hopefully we are able to learn the lessons available to us throughout this crazy journey of continually reinventing ourselves. Unless you’re like me, of course, and have to learn these lessons repeatedly and always the hard way.

Intellectually, I know better, but in real life, learning my lessons the first time, or without great challenge has been easier said than done. Though, looking back, I have to say that I welcome the struggle. In the midst of the bullshit, I can say I’d rather not, but it’s really important to me that I have struggled. Not so I can play the victim for the rest of my days, but rather so that I can know my own strength and my abilities during times of hardship. It’s important to me that I earn my stripes. I know that isn’t for everyone, and I accept that some people are just not the same as me.

Regardless of where you find yourself on the hardship spectrum, good luck to each of you on your paths. I wish you learning your lessons in a way that’s meaningful to you.

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The Universe

When I searched Universe on dictionary.com, this is what came back.
*NOUN
(the universe)
  1. all existing matter and space considered as a whole; the cosmos. The universe is believed to be at least 10 billion light years in diameter and contains a vast number of galaxies; it has been expanding since its creation in the Big Bang about 13 billion years ago.

When you break the word into it’s corresponding parts you get the following:

*Uni- one; having or consisting of one.

*Verse- denoting an area of activity or interest or a section of society distinguished by a particular characteristic. <there are many definitions of verse relating to poetry and writing, but they simply don’t apply to what I’m trying to discuss in this post.>

What does Uni- Verse really mean though? One place. One activity. Singular. The only one. There are some theories about multi-verses, but honestly I just don’t know enough about that sort of stuff to posit an educated response to them. So for the purpose of this entry, I am going to focus on One-Ness.

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As a spiritual being, I call our Source, or what other people refer to as God, The Universe. It is the place from which we all came. The startdust, the energy, the “matter” from which we are all part of and connected to, was found in the cosmos before we were created. If you believe in Intelligent Design, or the Big Bang… we were all born out of “nothingness” and created into “somethingness”. What we do with this precious life we’ve been granted, is entirely up to us to create.

What do you spend your time creating? I choose to create a life filled with love, harmony, gratitude, respect, dignity, protection, service, honesty, tenacity, diligence, and so many more things. All of them are positive and focused on being the best person I can be, and doing everything in my human power to teach and guide and love those around me. I am constantly left in awe of the human spirit and tenacious ability to overcome adversity. We are such marvelous creatures and we can do anything. We simply have to believe it, and stop at nothing to do it.

The singularity, the one-ness that we all share is often called the collective conscious or humanity. But I believe that it is so much deeper than that. I genuinely believe that we are all interconnected. By the stardust and the energy that flows through us, we are connected with everyone and everything that has ever been created. We are part of the earth, the trees, the fish, the streams, the air, the cosmos. We are quite literally interconnected with all things, seen and unseen in the universe. It’s until we recognize this, that we feel separate, alone, and isolated. Until we realize that we could not be more wrong about being “individuals”, we will never truly reach our potential.

The potential for us to reach enlightenment, heaven, salvation… it’s the infinite, ultimate achievement. Or is it? Obviously, these questions are unanswerable by just a regular person like me. But it’s something to consider, without dogma attached. We need to consider how we behave on this plane of existence, and not concern ourselves with only the after-life, though. Because what we do here is what determines after-life in many faith traditions. You’re not guaranteed salvation if you’re a dick to people on earth, sorry to say. You will never reach the pinnacle of consciousness if you suck as a person. You cannot buy your way into heaven, not by tithing, not by playing lip service to the whatever. You have to be a good person to gain access to the good things we are promised by religion. If you don’t subscribe to a religion, that’s cool too. You’re still not allowed to be a dirtbag, a jerk, or any other sort of jackass. What you do on this planet affects us all. We are all interconnected. We are in this together, forever and ever. Remember this, and take it to heart. Everyone will be better for it, yourself included.

Thank you for reading.

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Fight or flight

It has become increasingly difficult to focus on my day job. Not only am I bored by the tasks and lack of opportunity for growth, but I also have so many other things in the works. I am working on becoming my own boss and business owner and trying to maintain some shred of hope, given the political climate in this country.

I’ve never felt such a direct and opposite “pulling” force between my fight and flight sides. Part of me wants to try and keep some semblance of the life I lead, to not lose hope, to fight the good fight and create the life I am meant for. But on the other hand, there is something strongly pulling me away from all that, telling me that my family is more important and getting them the hell out of this dumpster before it blows sky high. I just want to run away somewhere safe and hope there’s a life to come back to in four years.

Between social media and the mainstream media, I’m overwhelmed and saddened. The alternative media is equally disheartening. We are living in a very sad time for human rights and social responsibility. It can be paralyzing, and right now, I feel paralyzed with glimmers of motivation and action. It simply weighs heavy on my heart that the world is not shaping up to be a place where people are free to love and marry whomever they choose, that health is only for the wealthy, and that life is largely not affordable for those that work for a living. It is saddening. And those of us that were working toward those things, hoping beyond hope for those things, are devastated. The feeling is real.

Finding happiness in the destruction of everything we hold dear as a nation borders on impossible. The only thing keeping my head above water is my physical and moral obligation to not fuck up for my kid. She knows nothing of the world, of politics. She is content being a toddler and little else. She loves her parents, her pets, eating snacks, and good music. If only everything were that simple. But her smile makes my day worth the struggle. What else is there? My husband, gardening, pets that we care for… they’re the crux of my life. They are the catalyst to happiness, since happiness comes from within. My family makes me want to be a better person, to keep waking up every day, and to be happy when it’s appropriate.

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Right View- Update

For March and April my goals were as follows:

Life is suffering, strive to eliminate it for those around you in ways that matter to them, not yourself
End toxic relationships for good
Cultivate wholesome relationships with like-minded people: find more vegans
Avoid attachments to unnecessary or unwholesome things: stop watching reality tv
What goes in is what comes out: go organic and/or grow it yourself

Since April is coming to a close, I figured that I should take a minute to take stock of how I’m doing with these goals. Let’s take the first one, for example. Yes, my thinking is changing about what it takes to help others and what I can do to be more effective at it. But there’s a sort of hidden meaning with this one. I want to, in addition to helping those around me, also concentrate on not beating myself up because I’m not able to help them in ways that I want to. So, my friend calls and is upset about something, I want to fix it… but really what she needs is a good listener. I feel like I’m not helping at all, but she ultimately feels better. I feel guilty because I didn’t “help her” in a way that I felt she needed. This is something I’ve been working on and there’s not really a defined measurement of success, but I know that just by being here, I’m doing all I can in some cases and that should be good enough.

Ending toxic relationships: this one is a little tricky. I want to end a few relationships with people that have exceeded their usefulness and have become toxic. I really do. But it’s hard to tell someone you rarely speak to that you want to continue to stop speaking to them. In this case, I’m just letting sleeping dogs lie, as it were. I don’t think it’s worth the stress or explanation to have to contact a person to tell them you don’t want to talk to them. I have weeded out my social media sites almost entirely of people that I’m not truly friends with or that are more stress than I can handle. Woo! Small victory!

Cultivating relationships with people is rather difficult when you’re insulating yourself and nesting. It’s hard to meet people, go out and be with friends etc when all I want to do is organize the house and work on the garden. This one is going to be a work in progress i think, but I’ve already set out the feelers and have been networking with people in my field of work. THAT might pose to be more “useful” than having friends at this point.

Unwholesome attachments are something I’m pretty good at severing, I’ve decided. Yes, I spend some time on the couch watching the tube with my honey, however, lately… it’s been “reality” shows of a different kind… home improvement shows! I could literally watch home and garden shows all day. This is sort of my new obsession, mainly because there are so many interesting ideas and new things that have come out to make my home not only functional (which is a MUST) but also really beautiful. I cannot wait to put some of these ideas in motion. It’s going to be epic!

Finally, of course, the garden. Aside from having to outsmart a small pack of animals (our dogs and the neighborhood cat population), it’s slow at best. I’m not sure if it’s the weather, the seeds we started with or what… but the garden is appearing to be a constant work in progress. Chalk one up for us though. We caged it so it’s no longer a litter box. :)

Anyway, look for more updates in the next few days as I prepare for next month and the subsequent goals!

(Calgary Buddhist Temple http://www.calgary-buddhist.ab.ca/statue.htm)

 

 

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