Tag: gratitude

Wake Up

When I typed in “bed”, to search for a photo to go at the top of this entry, there were quite a few clocks similar to the one I chose above. It’s very strange that searching for a bed, I get a clock. However, it’s rather fitting, given the title.

Waking up, is quite literally the very first thing we do each day. Not “being awake”, as to many of us “awake” is a much different state than “waking up”. For a large portion of us, the thing letting us know that IT IS TIME, is often a loud thing in our ears. Whether it’s an alarm clock, a child, pet, or partner, something jolted us from asleep, to awake.

I, personally, take issue with this jolting part. I’m sure many others do too. However, unlike many people, at least in my life, I do not like snoozing. I typically, if left to my own devices, just get up when I wake up. Recently, my partner has been quite persuasive in encouraging me to remain in our warm, comfy bed a few minutes longer than I would otherwise. I silently think he’s using it to feel better about himself snoozing a bit extra, but don’t tell him I said that. ;)

In reality though, I tend to oversleep and wind up rushing, rather than allowing myself a few extra moments of relaxation before stepping out the front door. When you have a small child, spare minutes are really helpful. Especially since my kiddo is a sleeper. She will sleep 10 hours or more if I let her. Unfortunately, like her father, she’s also a night owl. I’m an early bird, so her bedtime is early, because she has school and I have work. Also, she takes forever to wake up more days than not. It’s annoying trying to coax a preschooler out of bed at 6am, without a major fight.

I know there are some kids like me, and you are all my people. I’ve never been a sleeper, not even during my partiest of party years. I was always on time for work, even after virtually or actually zero sleep the night(s) before. I wasn’t even a sleepy child. But I think the reasons for that are more anxiety related, and maybe they still are.

Which leads me to discuss the real topic of today’s blog. The sleeping habits of my family was merely a segue.

There’s a new culture about that’s gained popularity and a name. Woke. I’m by no means an expert on popular culture in any fashion, but I pay attention to things. Woke culture seems to be heavily intersecting with Call-out culture which has shone a light on a number of really great things, but I also think that they can be really damaging in certain contexts.

Trust me when I say that I’m an absolute advocate for human, animal, and environmental rights. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life as an activist, but part of me wonders, what happened exactly to letting others do their own thing, as long as they’re not hurting anyone else? I had a teacher in high school say that my rights as a person end at the tip of my nose, or that my rights do not extend to a place where yours are being infringed upon. So, who are people that are telling me that I’m wrong for doing X,Y, or Z, if it’s not affecting them in any way? I’m just over here, doing my thing.

If I’m over here being an asshole, I fully deserve to be called out, but if I have purple hair (which I do at 38 yrs old), who cares? If my partner and I have tattoos and have the nerve to swim in a public pool, who gives a shit? Why do people suddenly feel entitled to give me or him or anyone else flack for that?

The short answer: you don’t. Knock it off. End of discussion. Pretty simple. Stop it. The end.

But meanwhile there’s politicians trying to legislate women’s bodies, the rights of trans people, and profiteering from war and gun violence. There’s something seriously wrong with this. If you want to call anyone out, let’s call out our legislators. Call your congressmen and women. Get woke to real shit and let’s be working toward equality and rights for us all. Instead, there’s a bunch of infighting, bickering, and worse. Knock it off. Your rights end at the end of your nose. You don’t get to be in charge of anyone else’s body, mind, rights, etc. Stop it. End of discussion.

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The Art of Success

beach ocean sand sea
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

If anyone is familiar with the culture of daytime soap operas, you can appreciate “Like sand through an hourglass, these are The Days of Our Lives”. As someone who has watched sand be washed away by the sea for countless hours, I can appreciate the metaphor of sifting and shifting sand as a description of life. While an hourglass and the beach are vastly different arenas, the movement of these small pebbles is quite patterned.

Sand, whether wet or dry, moves in a seemingly haphazard way. However, it takes on different properties regardless. Nevertheless, it shifts, settles, and shifts again. Watching how it fills with sea water and rides the current is so simple, but equally entrancing. I can watch the sea forever and never tire of it. What is interesting, and the point of the featured photo for this blog post, is that you can ruin the beach, write your name in the sand, dig deep holes for water to invade and fill, you can build castles with moats, whatever you like. But the power of water in its simplicity but extreme force, will eventually dull the largest of mountains. This is always the way.

So how do we measure success in this ever shifting landscape around us? Is it money? Name recognition? Power? Longevity?

For me, it’s hard to determine what I view as “success”, simply because I don’t feel like I’ve truly achieved it. In infinite ways, I’ve reached success, but I never feel successful. I feel as though much of what I’ve accomplished is expected. I should not get a trophy for adulting. Kudos are reserves for those who’ve done something remarkable. I’ve merely played the game most of my life, and have done some things.

When I owned a marginally reputable business, it was reputable not because we were flush with cash. We were the only one of our kind in the area of the country where we were located. That’s basically it. I believe we achieved some really cool things, and looking back, I can say we did everything that I set out to do from the very beginning. But we exploded, and quick. With a force I never could have expected. And at the same time my personal life was imploding. Talk about timing.

Since then, I’ve sold virtually everything I own, packed up what was left of my dignity and moved across the country with my roommate and kiddo (plus all the companion animals anyone could ever want). We scraped and carved out a new life in the last few months that doesn’t even vaguely remember the previous one. But was I successful? What the hell was I trying to accomplish? Did I even come close?

I haven’t a clue.

What I can say is that I feel more at peace with myself. I feel more connected to the folks around me in meaningful ways (with the exception of some of my close friends at the old business). I am making more money now, than I ever did in our old city, doing basically the same things I was before I started a business. The financial consequences of a closed business still are looming, but I’m slowly chipping away at them, as time progresses. Does this make me successful? Does it make me a “coulda been”? Or even worse, does it make me a “has been”? These are the questions that roll around in my head while I’m battling insomnia, which thankfully, is not as much of as issue as it was in my previous life.

I think regardless of being successful or not, I am happy with this current incarnation of myself and my life. My kiddo is thriving in ways I never considered. Our roommate is advancing rapidly in her career, where her previous location was stifling her at every turn. I even have a partner who is doing better than he’s ever done in his career. We are all doing amazingly well, in short order. I truly believe that we all had to go through our darkest times, to appreciate the beautiful lives we’ve created recently. I am genuinely grateful that the universe forced me into making drastic, sweeping changes. Life, albeit incredibly difficult, is wonderful.

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Bliggity Blog

joy painting brush
Photo by Bekka Mongeau on Pexels.com

Life is funny sometimes all the time. It certainly sucks less when you approach it with a sense of humor.

This week has been challenging and I could have definitely changed how I reacted in a few situations. But I’m human and still learning and growing. I’ve made an internal promise that I will no longer talk to myself in a way that I would not talk to a person close to me. I’ve even done my best to curb the internal dialogue in my head, the one that loves to concoct stories about my worth, which are simply not true. I’ve also fallen short of my goal of four times per week, writing this blog. I am fully aware that I have made a few choices to do something else with my time, and am not beating myself about it, as I would have in the past. Again, human being, with humans in my life that also require and deserve my attention.

In positive news, we here have decided to make some healthy, positive changes to our daily routines. The primary one is getting a gym membership at the local YMCA. I’ve been out of competitive sports for a number of years and I have decided that my sedentary lifestyle as of late, is creating problems in my psyche. I have been using time and childcare as a crutch for why I couldn’t work out, and finances are finally lining up the way they’re supposed to. This Y also has a daycare center onsite, which will be really convenient when my temporary work assignment ends. Additionally, when the weather is garbage in the upper midwest, we will have a nearby place to workout and warm up.

I’m really excited to have something to do in the evenings that isn’t dealing with pets and home and nonsense adult things. Instead, we can be active, and do things that are healthy for our minds and spirits. My partner is potentially less excited than me, but he will live. The kiddo doesn’t even know what it means, but she’s going to the gym to hang out with other kids. And learn to swim. That’s also something I’m very excited about. She needs to know how to swim for so many reasons. We live in a state where “lake life” is a real thing. Oddly enough, after living in a sun state for several years, she still doesn’t know how to independently.

In addition to having a rad place to exercise close to home, we are just doing our best to live our best lives and be good humans. I’ve been doing everything I can to be positive and patient with all things and people who cross my path. Being grateful has helped significantly with all these things. I’ve been listening to tons of audiobooks from the library website, which has added enrichment to my days, and provided much insight into humanity. This habit has allowed me to focus on a number of things that I’m working on. And that makes me happier in general.

Thanks for reading.

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What’s the worst that can happen?

architecture bad weather buildings city
Photo by Raine Nectar on Pexels.com

Humans are exceptional at creating things. We can build unthinkable structures, make things that defy reason, and also, we can create a worst-case-scenario that would never, could never, ever come to pass. These “what-ifs” keep us safe and help us negotiate an uncertain world. But these thoughts and actions also prevent us from taking steps toward an unencumbered, beautiful life. I have found myself giving advice to people close to me recently, and the thoughts that I shared were simple: To change your life, you must take the step, and the net will appear. If you are sitting comfortably (or uncomfortably, as it were) in your rut, you cannot see the net that will inevitably catch you. You have to take the step, so the net will appear in your limited field of view.

Have you ever felt yourself stagnating in a soul-sucking job that you hate? Limiting the energy you have for friends, family, self-care, and all of the other things that make this life worth living? I can tell you I’ve had more than my fair share of these experiences. But the paycheck, or the freedom, or comfort, or something else that I tell myself keeps me there far longer than I’d care to be. Thus draining my will and sapping my motivation. There almost assuredly comes a breaking point in these situations, in which I hit the point of no return. This point has been getting shorter and shorter as I age. Maybe it’s my threshold for bullshit is lower, or simply I recognize that my life is more valuable than this, sooner. I don’t know. But I’ve determined that once I get there, nothing will stop me from changing SOMETHING.

Sometimes, what has to change is my mindset. Perhaps I need to view the situation as temporary and muscle through it. Often times, that’s just not my jam. Rather, I cut the cord and bail the hell out. Not everyone has the fortitude to just cut and run from things that no longer serve them. However, it’s a skill I was not born with either. It’s taken years of therapy, self-help books, and constantly reaffirming that I am the master of my own buffet experience. I’m driving this car, and I’ll be damned if I don’t make it to wherever I’m going. I spent countless years of my life afraid and complacent in situations that I had no business entertaining, let alone neck deep in. I was in relationships that were toxic, jobs that caused massive panic attacks and suicidal ideations. I worked for abusive managers, held on tightly to friendships that were so one-sided, that they were causing me mental anguish. None of these situations served me. In abandoning them, what’s the worst that could happen?

For a very long time, I considered that absolute worst things imaginable in these situations. But, changing my situation caused decidedly ZERO of them to come to fruition. In fact, the exact opposite almost always happened. In many of these cases, the best possible things occurred. I changed my outlook, learned something new about myself and others, and I freed up space in my psyche for good things to enter. The best part? Good things ALWAYS entered in some way. Take the step and the net will appear.

A prime example of this is when I decided to start a business. It took a while to get set up, but eventually, I quit my job (for several reasons not related to the business, and much earlier than anticipated). I was terrified. I spent more than a year building something truly amazing. I had a staff that were unparalleled, customers that became like family, and created a community of other businesses and people that are still thriving today. However, despite best intents and efforts, I had to close my establishment. It was devastating. I felt as though I truly let down my community, and in many ways, I did. I let down people who trusted me, and believed in me. I couldn’t go a day without sobbing uncontrollably. It was a slow-motion train wreck, and many of us saw it coming, but when I had to pull the plug, I felt lost and hopeless. I had already accepted a job that was beneath my needs financially, but I was trying to make everything work. It didn’t. Meanwhile, my personal life was also in shambles. I was taking hits from all angles and I couldn’t find the light. There came a moment when I had a good, hard look at my situation though. I determined that I couldn’t wallow a second longer. I had to walk out of this with my head high for what we accomplished, against all odds. I had to live a life of love and gratitude.

This is when the net appeared. I took a step toward the light, toward gratitude, and there was a safety net. The worst HAD happened. I lost almost everything I had been building for years. But my outlook changed and I was, and still am, more grateful for the lessons than I could have ever been otherwise. Everything that I set out to do I accomplished in short order and then it was over. My panic attacks in the middle of the night were also over. I used to wake up in night terrors over the pressure and responsibility I felt for my employees and community at large. I’m still digging myself out of the financial pit closing a retail business entails. And by no means it is easy or fun. However, I feel amazing. I’m truly grateful for everything that happened and that is still happening.

I’ve moved across the country and started a whole new life, while still paying off old items. I’m in a MUCH better situation mentally, financially, and emotionally. I am better equipped to handle the struggles we face with humor and gratitude. I’m showing my kiddo that it’s ok to fail, and that if you make things right with people, even slowly, it’ll be alright. Progress is sometimes slow, but the effort is what people want to see. Not only that, but I feel better for making things right. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I made life harder for a fellow small business.

Anyway, in times where it looks like everything is falling apart, everything could just be falling into place. You never know what awaits you when you let the universe work it’s magic. I can guarantee that it’s beyond your wildest dreams, if you let it. You have to take the step, for the net to appear.

Thanks for reading.

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Progress

It’s funny how when we make plans and goals, that sometimes we just get distracted. Ok, I get distracted. I’m not going to project that same behavior on anyone else. Life happens, time slips away from us me, and I’m too tired, or unable to focus on what I really want to do, because I’ve spent so much time doing other stuff.

I had a plan last night to write for this blog. I had some extra time and I chose to spend it with my family. I got to lounge around the house with my partner and my kiddo. Hung out with the pets, sat on the couch and watched tv. It was pretty great. I could have stayed at work, despite having nothing going on but noisy construction that was making it hard to think and breathe. Instead, I went home to nurse my migraine and had to justify the wage loss for doing so to myself, for much of the afternoon.

I felt like I was letting my boss down (who was also out sick) and the rest of my team. However, I was not going to be effective given the situation, and I had to come to terms with that. I did all the important stuff, but then I bailed. In my haste, I misread my calendar and was late to a meeting this morning, but that was a separate thing. Coming in early is a challenge when you have a small one, especially when it’s several times a month, and it changes often. Anyway, I digress. The point is that 1) I didn’t do my stuff yesterday because I was distracted and 2) leaving work early was awesome, but also I felt guilty for leaving.

I often feel like a juggler, spinning plates constantly. It’s truly exhausting to keep all the plates moving, while not losing my freaking mind in the process. In the attempt to simplify my life, and improve the quality of it, I feel like I need to revamp my 40 day challenge. The meditation element has to stay, as it’s the catalyst for the whole challenge in and of itself. I’ve been sort of accidentally exercising lately anyway (thanks to tracking it on my watch), because I’ve been doing a lot of stair climbing, chasing after people and animals, and we’ve been going out and doing stuff.

For instance, we walked around the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden on Sunday, and I chased my kiddo around the meadow for a long time, between viewing the beautiful artwork in the park. I easily walked 10 miles that day before, during, and after our outing.

https://walkerart.org/visit/garden

Moreover, this challenge is supposed to be challenging, yes, but it’s meant to be a blessing and a way of drawing in more life and love, while lessening the feelings of burden and obligation. I love writing, and someday I will make a living doing it in some way. But writing everyday has been a difficulty, primarily on weekends. So I’m no longer requiring myself to write every single day.

I will commit to 4 days, and keep the 500 word minimum. I think that will keep me feeling energized about GETTING TO wrote, rather than feeling distracted and HAVING TO. I love my family, but they make it difficult to focus, because I’m so easily distracted. And truthfully, I want to be with them. I’m at work much of my day and I find it hard to spend as much quality time with them as I want to, because it’s very much a get up- go to work- come home- cook dinner- go to bed- start over tomorrow life in this modern world. I am working on simplifying though, and creating a better work/life balance. It just takes time to materialize. I will get there. And it will be marvelous.

Until next time. Thank you for reading.

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