You only get one shot- A Year of Happiness Blog year in review

It seems like 2016 was pretty much one of the hardest years for everyone that I’ve talked to. We have all collectively decided that it was a dumpster fire (as seen by the numerous memes of such) that skidded to the end like a slow motion train wreck that we couldn’t stop looking at. I mean, any year that starts off with David Bowie dying is pretty much going to suck.

With that being said, I had the best intentions for 2016. I was hoping that politically, this country would move toward human rights, helping people out of poverty, and electing one of my favorite political figures of at least the last decade (I pretty much bleed Bernie). However, America went the completely opposite way, and those proverbial chickens are going to be coming home to roost in just a few short days. But all that political turmoil and the joke that was our election cycle wasn’t even the worst part of the year. There’s been so much vitriol and hate circulating that it’s been extraordinarily difficult to keep a level head for an empath like me.

2016 has been challenging at best, to put it mildly. Personally, I was hoping to focus more on the things that matter to me, like working fewer hours and spending more time with my young daughter and husband. I changed jobs to facilitate that happening, but I ended up working just as many hours as with my previous job, but thankfully in a better environment. Yes, my job is still stressful and riddled with nonsense and adult children, its closer to home, and a variety of other plusses. My big great plan for 2016 was to start my own business and to begin the process of working for myself. Yet again, 2016 was the year that wouldn’t quit. All of those plans stalled in their infancy and have almost become an albatross instead of uplifting me.  I’ve taken numerous steps toward my dream of being self-employed once again, but it simply hasn’t come to pass.

I’m truly hopeful that 2017 will be different.

I think that’s one of my main switches recently is that even though everything has gone to hell in a handbasket throughout this year, I’m still hopeful that 2017 will be better. That’s not to say we aren’t in for a bumpy ride, because we are, given the state of politics and social concerns as of late. Yet, I still believe that I’ve just got this one life to live right now and bogging myself down to the point of paralysis isn’t doing me any favors. Every day I wake up and do everything I can to make sure that my family is taken care of and that I remain as healthy as possible.

I’ve been letting my mental and physical health slip a little this last year and I’ve already started making changes to get back on track. I’m doing yoga and meditating in the mornings now, so I can start my days off right. If only the holidays were a distant memory, so I could go back to working at 6am, instead of 5. That would be swell. Only one more week of these early hours until I go back to the regularly scheduled programming.

Anyway, I hope that 2017 finds you and yours happy and healthy. More to come this year from me so don’t worry. Writing is definitely on my agenda for this year, lots of it. Thanks for reading and I hope this year works out for all of us.

This week is testing me

Everything that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong this week. From the moment my coworker and I decided to ‘Fuck it’, we’ve both been tested, at home and at work. 

Her brother was in a crash 3000 miles away from her, I had to leave my car and rush home because it wouldn’t start and my daughter needed me. She had to cover the desk of another coworker and got reamed for that person’s mistakes, while I had to deal with one of my bosses getting pissed because I didn’t know how to do something he thought I should have been taking responsibility for. 

This whole week has been a hot mess, but I’m so glad it’s Friday. I am so fortunate and grateful for so many things. But I’ll be the first to admit that it’s been extremely challenging and throwing up my hands when I’ve got to hurry up and be somewhere- after wasting 25 minutes trying to start my car- is easier said than done. 

So, in the spirit of this project and of the week people seem to be having, fuck it. It’s Friday and almost time to go home and spend the night hanging out with my baby. That’s what matters. The rest of it means so little. 

The F*ck it Project

I have a coworker that lovingly said to me the other day that I’m like the twin she ate in the womb. I took that as we are weirdly similar. And we are. We share many similar experiences and as it turns out, know some of the same people. Our birthdays are even within a week of one another. It’s strange how much in common we have. But I digress. 

We were eating lunch together yesterday, which is fairly uncommon. I’m usually tethered to my desk or her to hers. But during our lunch, she was talking about her week and last weekend and some things that came up. We’ve both been experiencing stress from a variety of sources regarding things that are either A) completely out of our control or B) really not that important when it comes down to it. So she proposed a fuck it project. 

The idea is this: whenever we are feeling stress, anxiety, apprehension, or just a general lack of enjoyment in a situation that comes up, we will say fuck it, and do what we want or at least remove the attachment to the outcome. This is a very Buddhist approach and I immediately said yes. 

Surely we can’t do this type of thing at work, righ? Wrong. We are both still expected to perform our jobs pretty much flawlessly. We each have very demanding positions that require a lot of patience and dedication. We don’t do the same functions at our office, but they’re equally important. Because of the importance we are often overloaded, overworked, and simply over it. So instead of stressing out over a project or expectation, we are going to say fuck it, and remember that we are only human and that we can only do so much. We will not be guilted, harassed, or otherwise by ourselves or our bosses. Instead, fuck it. We will do our best, and that’s what will happen. 

We are doing this just for a week to see how we feel about it. But we will reconvene next week about the results. We will also hold each other accountable throughout the experience, since our work stations are very close together and we can see each other all day. I’m excited and a little nervous, since we both have the tendency to bear the weight of the world. But it’s heavy and I’m sick of carrying it. So fuck it. 

Big mouth strikes again

Like many people, I’ve got anxiety, especially in situations of public speaking. Yesterday, in a class I’ve been taking, I was asked to share with the group. I started out one direction and ended up going ‘off script’ and sharing a little more than I was comfortable with. My brain was totally aware that I was going in the wrong direction, but inexplicably couldn’t stop my mouth from talking. 

Of course I felt 100% stupid and exposed in front of my class. What makes it worse is again, my anxiety, won’t let me let it go. I’ve spent the better part of 24 hours stewing about what I overshared. 

The worst part is that I have 4 more weeks with these people and I feel terrible. I went so far to email the instructor and tell her I was sorry for my actions and that I hope the class can move past it as well. The part that’s even worse than that, is this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I think it might be a condition I’m suffering from. 

Is there such a thing? Facing my class this week isn’t going to be easy. I’m hoping for the best. This group is generally pretty open minded and kind. I just feel colossally stupid. 

Meditation and me

I have always had a sordid relationship with meditation. I’ve had an extremely difficult time quieting my mind, pretty much my whole life. I am a very analytical person, and extremely sensitive to the world around me. This makes for difficult meditation sessions.

I’m currently taking some classes for a certification, and at some point we are asked to do a 30 day meditation “challenge”. It’s really just doing it for 30 straight days, for a minimum of 10 minutes. I’ve had several months to complete this task, but have procrastinated in beginning. I want to do it, but I know that it will be very challenging to me because my brain is pretty much a blender at all times. Stopping that swirling mess and quieting the motor, even for 10 minutes is not the easiest of things. It requires a lot of self-determination and lately, I’ve just simply been too distractible to even begin.

When I do decide that I’m going to do this thing that is looming over me, I’ll blog about my progress and lack thereof. I just know that a big part of my trepidation is focusing, even for 10 minutes, on something other than things I need to do…

As always, thanks for reading and I’ll be back soon!

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