Tag: Happiness

Day 1- Gratitude Project

Today, and really every day, I’m grateful for my job. I am grateful to be employed, yes. But beyond the fact that I have a steady income to support my family, I actually like my job. I have only been here a short time, but I truly feel appreciated and valued, even though I’m only a contract employee. I’ve been told how valuable I am and how much I am appreciated for the work I do, as well as the attitude that I bring to the team. I don’t make a huge amount of money, but it’s significantly more than my previous job, and there’s no “fake nice” here, like there was there. Everyone is genuine, like it or not. People are direct, but kind. And you know where you stand with everyone. But no matter where you stand, everyone is pleasant and there’s no catty gossip and backstabbing. People work together as a team, valuing the strengths of everyone else. Of course there are arguments and people get their feelings hurt. However, they don’t hold grudges and talk shit behind their backs, at least for long. You cannot get ahead in this company by being an asshole. I am grateful for this.

I am grateful for the opportunity to work in a new industry and expand my skills as a person and employee. I am challenged almost every day to learn something new or grow in my role here. In just a few months I’ve been able to surpass the duties of my predecessor significantly. I’ve expanded my role to almost twice her weekly hours, and secured myself as a valuable asset to multiple working groups and teams. I love helping others and I love learning new things. This job allows me to do both regularly, and I am thankful for that.

I’m also grateful for the fact that I’m treated like an adult. I do not have someone standing over me all day, monitoring my every move. I am allowed to take a break whenever I need to, surf the internet if I feel like it, and I still manage to get more done in a day than I ever did previously. It means something to feel like you’re not under the microscope. I’m eternally grateful for this.

And finally, I’m grateful for the flexibility of this position. It’s very important that I’m here, because I serve as the hub for many processes, however I can take vacation with a little notice, or adjust my schedule if I need to do something during the day. I’m not trapped at my desk 100% of my day, until a specified time, day in and day out. It’s a beautiful thing. This allows me to join my baby for doctor visits, come in a little late if she needs me in the morning, or get off a little early so that we can get things done before the middle of the night. I’m so very grateful that I found this job.

I appreciate every minute I get to spend here, as well as the challenges and people that come with the title. I am very glad that I passed up other opportunities, even though they were very tempting and lucrative at the time. I truly do not believe that I would have been as happy at those places, as I am here. Nor do I think I would have wanted to stay there forever. Not that I want to stay in this place forever, I’m sure I could if I wanted to. All of those other failed interviews and complicated situations that just “didn’t feel right” at the time, were simply blessings in disguise. I am grateful that they didn’t pan out the way I hoped then and that this opportunity pretty much landed in my lap. I’m so fortunate for so many reasons to be here in this place. And that’s what I’m grateful for today.

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40 days of gratitude

The theme of this blog has been evolving ever since I began typing that first blog several years ago. I was searching for meaningful ways to bring more happiness into my daily life. I was in the midst of college and in a dark place in my personal relationships. I was not living authentically or really living at all. I was just grinding it out, day in and day out; existing simply to finish my then goal of graduating college. I was on the back end of personal tragedy and heartbreak, in the middle of a difficult and potentially dangerous situation, and getting ready to step off a cliff into the unknown. There were so many forces at work and I had to focus on the positive. I’m nowhere near where I was, but I’m not yet to where I want to be. I am evolving, and so is this blog.

So I recently asked myself the following:

What is it with 40 days/ 6 weeks? Lent is 40 days; maternity leave is about 6 weeks after the baby is born for those that get it. Why are these numbers or timeframes so engrained in our past and present lives? I don’t have these answers, but I’ve been inspired.

I was reading a book that I was meaning to read for a long time. It was on my Amazon wishlist for a few years, and I finally received it for my birthday, I think. I didn’t read it right away for some reason, but I’m glad that I did. Reading books has gotten harder since having a little one at home. She takes up 99% of my spare waking time that I’m not at work. The other 1% is cleaning. Anyway, the premise of the book Life is a Verb, is that 37 days (which is very close to 40) can transform your life. There are a series of stories and activities to do at the end of each one for 37 days. Each of these activities are designed by the author (whom I seem to feel is a kindred spirit from her stories and experiences) to help you live the life you want. Living the life I want, spending more time with my family, working smarter-not-harder, and being in the employ of myself are my main goals, but living a more grateful and joyful life have been my “small” goals for many years.

Those of you who’ve been following this blog for any length of time know that I’ve been studying and seeking greater happiness for a long time. I’ve had moments of elation that I cannot compare to anything else in this life, but I’ve also experienced some of the most devastating despair and loss that I’ve ever had in my 35 years on this earth. Of course, I’ve felt everything in between and surely will over and over again as I grow older. I hope that the feelings of happiness will be greater than those of unhappiness, of course, as we all do. So by focusing on what I want, instead of what I don’t want, I plan to cultivate just that.

So in the spirit of change, transformation, and happiness, I’m going to focus on gratitude. There have been countless studies and interviews indicating that the more a person is grateful, the happier they are throughout the course of their lives, and also exhibit more satisfaction with their lives in general. I’d like to practice more gratitude, because while I’m extremely grateful for all of the things in my life, I feel like if I can bring intention and magnify the things in which I am grateful, more of these things will grace my daily life.

I have decided that I want to challenge myself to not only be grateful, especially amidst stress and fatigue, but I also want to challenge my personal dedication to writing. I love writing but find that I make excuses not to do it, mostly evolving from not having enough time. Because of this, I want to focus on just a few minutes of writing each day to express my gratitude. Gradually, or at least periodically, I’m sure my entries will be long, but I’m guessing that most of them will be short. Probably very short. But the goal is to do it. Starting tomorrow, I’ve set an alarm to ensure that I simply don’t forget to write. It is my intention to bring attention to this particular goal for just a few minutes every day.

So stay tuned! And wish me luck. I’ll likely need it.

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The rocky road

First let me say, wow, it’s been a long time. I knew it had been a while, but until I just logged in, I had no idea just how long it’s been since I’ve posted here. As we all know, life happens. I’ve been meaning to post, but I just never have carved out the time to do so on this page. I’ve been focusing on other things, like my other page: PostPunkPartum which is dedicated to my adventures in parenthood. I’ve also started working on a new business venture with my bestie. Anyone that has ever worked for themselves can attest, it’s not easy and is extremely time consuming.

Anyway, these things have been happening, in addition to being a wife and mother, which are full time jobs- after my full time job. This is actually kind of  the topic of today’s blog. The path to happiness is a rocky road, filled with potholes, detours, construction, the widening or narrowing of lanes, and flat out dead ends. These are all things that I’ve been experiencing over the last several months with my little family, and my whole earth family (more on that in a another blog post).

On this road it’s hard to navigate sometimes because we don’t know what’s up ahead. We know certainly that the road around the bend is uncertain and there’s little we can do to prepare for that stretch of road, until we are coming upon it. We often times will have to drive cautiously and we may have to swerve because there’s a fallen tree that was previously out of our sight. But that’s what we do to survive, right? We react to the road ahead and do the best we can to avoid obstacles and pitfalls. Life is basically this metaphor for the entirety of the journey, in my opinion.

So, my question to this metaphor and the potential dangers in front of me is how do we maintain happiness through all of this uncertainty? Many people fear nothing but the unknown. For example, a friend of mine HATES what her job has become and spends a lot of time searching classified ads seeking new employment. However, at the very same time, she doesn’t take the steps necessary to put herself in a marketable position or to leap at all. She’s comfortable in her rut and has no desire to change herself, but she will be forced to if her company begins downsizing, as is the rumor. She could be using this time to learn a new skill or program, to better set herself up for the future; she could do a lot of things. But what is really holding her back is the fact that she doesn’t like change and she’s completely fearful of the unknown. She’s been doing her job for the better part of a decade and after that long, I’d likely be afraid too.

So how do we let go of this fear? What ways can we let go of the rut and actually take steps to change, instead of letting the universe take action for us? I’ve said it for many years that if we do not make the changes the universe (or god, the great spirit, etc) wants from us, the universe will force our hand and make the changes whether or not we like them. And from experience, we often do not like them. I’ve personally been on the receiving end of some shitty situations because I couldn’t make choices or changes fast enough and the universe forced me to adapt. Real quick. I think these changes are my least favorite. Since I’ve been on the wrong end of some universal/ karmic changes, I know better for the most part. I try to be as aware as possible of those “stirrings”, and I’ve definitely honed my “spidey sense” when it comes to change.

For instance, I’m pretty keyed in on my downsizing timeline. I know that my days are limited at my current job, which is why I’ve been actively searching for things that suit my needs and wants better. I knew taking this position that I was not long for it. It’s not what I want to do and the money/ working environment are not what I need, not to mention, I’m becoming obsolete. My supervisors are not telling us this, of course, because they still need us for the time being. It’s not a good feeling to know that you’re working yourself out of a job, even though I should be used to it. This has happened to me more than once. The fear part comes in because many of the options I have available to me, until my business gets off the ground, are simply either entirely too much for me to want to do, or not enough for us to survive. It’s pretty much a catch 22. I’m under-qualified to move up or over-qualified for what I’m good at/can be hired to do. However, I also know that by being open to the universe and the changes that are possible, the fear will be lessened overall. If I am open to changes and the rocky road ahead, I will remain alert and less afraid of the challenges in front of me.

I’ve taken thousands of wrong turns and been surprised by the outcomes, both positively and negatively. But the road of happiness is not meant to be a pristine, smooth ride. It’s designed to teach you things about yourself, force you to react to hairpin turns and switchbacks, and test your guts on the pothole proving grounds. Otherwise, how do you know you’re alive?

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Let go, or be dragged

The title of this entry is that of a Zen proverb that I recently read and it rang very true to me. This, as any long time reader knows, is something that I struggle with; letting go. I’m a Type A personality, therefore control, being uptight, and regularly stressed out are common symptoms of my being. But recently, I’ve become much more humbled, as things that are wholly out of my control have begun to dictate my life. Granted, I shouldn’t “let outside forces DICTATE my life”, but as I casually say frequently, life. happened. And by life happening, I mean that finances change, relationships change, the climate changes. None of these things can I directly control. If I could, the world would be a very different place, but alas, I digress.

As I see it, because of all these significant changes around me, I want to exert more control over the things around me that I may or may not be able to control. For instance, I feel like things outside my home are extremely chaotic at the moment, which means that I want more order and structure IN the home. My husband and pets probably like this very little, but I feel better. I am currently having some health issues, so I colored my hair. My husband and I are at an impasse currently about hair. He’s not “allowed” to cut his until he “let’s” me cut mine. He was less than thrilled about the coloring aspect, but I’m sorry, I need some grey coverage.

These are just a few examples of how I’m trying to take back control of my environment, considering it seems like nothing more than shifting sand beneath my feet. What I wouldn’t give to regain some of the things that I’ve recently lost, time, money, control… whatever. But here’s where it gets tricky. If I am amble to control or influence everything, would anything change for the better? Would I progress into my most authentic self, without there being a series of conflicts? I’ve read and heard that we do our best soul-searching and most significant positive growth after periods of hardship or struggle. If that’s the case, I think I’m going to be Wonder Woman by the time I’m out of this blasted tunnel, but again, I digress.

There’s a song by the band Modest Mouse that I think of every time I’m feeling down or out of control in regards to the vast amounts of crap I endure on a regular basis. The lyric goes “If life’s not beautiful without the pain, then I’d rather just never see beauty again…”. Often times when you’re in the trench, in the darkness of life happening to you, rather than with or for you, I just can’t shake the idea that sometimes, the hardships are just not worth it. The adage or “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” may very well be true, but it also makes people harder, and often times more cynical. I feel like the rocks in the ocean that eventually, after decades of getting pummeled by the sea, end up shattering into billions of pieces along the shore.

But I think this is where the letting go part applies. Without letting go, you will be shattered into a billion pieces, slowly but surely. Letting go allows you to float in the sea, being tossed around, rather than ground into dust. I’ve yet to really decide which I prefer, the steadfast nature of the cliff that slowly erodes into the sand, or the pebble that breaks away to be carried off by the tide to unknown places. I can say for sure that I’m tired either way. I’m tired of holding on, and I’m tired of the unknown surprises that come along in the surf.

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As of late

Recent weeks have significantly impacted my life. There have been major complications and setbacks that I never could have imagined, personally and professionally. The path ahead is incredibly uncertain and truthfully, we are forced to simply take things one day at a time and hope for the best. This is certainly one of the most challenging times in a very long time. That’s not to say my life hasn’t been an intensely uphill battle, because in honesty, I cannot think of a time where things were easy, or even ‘calm’. I’ve been surrounded by chaos as long as I can remember, and much of it was self inflicted because of poor life choices. That’s, in part, why things are chaotic now. My honey and I have both made some poor choices over the last couple years and those consequences are coming home to roost, leaving us with little choice but to take it as it comes and do our best. But this morning I had this overwhelming sense that regardless of what happens today, or what happened yesterday, today is a new day. I have the opportunity to greet the day soiled from yesterday’s mess, or I have the choice to see it as a clean slate in which I will write my actions and thoughts that will see me until tomorrow. And then, that too will be a new day. I can choose to walk through my day with love and positivity, to count my blessings, to revel in the little things that make my life worth living, or I can choose to let the day beat me I to submission, only to return to my bed broken and defeated. I’m 100% sure there are going to be bad things that happen today, but if I let them roll off me like water, I may not drown in the deluge. For the record: I hate the rain, but it provides us with food and cleaner air, and cools the hot summers. So there is good that comes from the torrents, you just have to choose to see the good, instead of the bad. So I am actively making a choice this morning, to see the positivity and to feel the love of this new day. I’m going to seize the opportunity to make it a good day, whatever comes.  

 

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