Sometimes happiness just happens

The quest for personal improvement for the purpose of living a happier life can be daunting. It’s tough to focus on this set of goals that I feel will bring me closer to happiness, at least in my rational mind, on a more regular basis, while at the same time you have a million spinning plates that can send your daily life crashing down in a heap of shrapnel. Being acutely aware that one plate can destroy to rest in a blink is also an extremely stressful scenario that many of us face. I don’t see a week go by without someone I know having a meltdown or major anxiety due to one plate crashing or potentially crashing into everything they’ve worked so hard for. And maybe that’s part of the problem? We are trying to control a million moving parts while still seeking the elusive ‘happiness’ that many of us simply cannot even truly describe in real terms.

I have experienced this myself recently. Without going into too much personal detail, I left a job that wasn’t really taking me anywhere in my quest for experience or happiness but it was full time and paid the bills. But an opportunity came across my plate in which I couldn’t deny. The pay was similar but the hours were cut in half from where I was. I took a leap and started the part time job, only to be offered a different job with a very well know hospital system. Those were full time hours, making even more money. But the downside was the flaming hoops I would have to jump through just made it seem less appealing. Instead, I decided to stay where I was at and we would just figure out the rest later. But strangely, at the same time another part time opportunity passed my way. The hours were perfect for my other job and the pay was good. So, basically my complete panic and fear was unnecessary because things were going to work out anyway. They actually worked out better than I hoped or expected. Granted, I have two jobs that are both quite high pressure, they are both exactly what I need at this time. Sometimes things just work out. They generally don’t work out the way we want them to, but by letting go of control over every detail, things can work out the way they’re meant to to bring us to the path we are destined to walk.

This doesn’t mean I’m not still going to trying guide my path in the ways I think it should be, because let’s face it, I’m a control freak that needs to know and understand everything. I can’t just throw caution to the wind, it’s not my nature. But letting the universe work for me in it’s own way is something I need to incorporate more often into my life. The results are so far, pretty good.

March 7, 2015 0

The end of 2014

This year has come with a roller coaster of ups and downs, sideways and upsidedowns. It has seen some of the deepest sadnesses and tragedies, and some of the most important successes our world has ever seen. From brutality to blessings, this has been a very busy year.

Personally, I have experienced many sorrows, coupled with the most delightful joys, however I know that this has not been ‘my year’.

On the horizon, as with every new day, week, year, etc. it opens with the possibility to make it amazing. Granted, it could end up a spinning fireball, but you never know until you take that step, open your eyes when your alarm blares, or do something that pushes you into being a fully authentic version of yourself. That is my hope for each of you and myself for this new year.

When I was younger, whenever I blew out birthday candles, wished on a shooting star, or anything like that, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than to be happy. I always wished for it, like somehow it would just plop into my lap. As I have aged, I still wish for happiness, but I also combine that sincere wish with the work necessaryto achieve it. Happiness in any form is important, but how you think, feel, and act will actually be the deciding factors to your happiness.

For instance, how can people struck by tragedy continue with their lives? They find the simple joys in life to keep them going.

My sincere hope for each of you, my faithful readers and everyone who doesn’t read my blog is this: I wish you happiness, but more than that, I wish that you are able to find it, recognize it, and embrace it, even in the darkest times.

December 31, 2014 0

The Human Side of Happiness

Sometimes I wonder if happiness exists in a vacuum, and I often feel like I’m outside the container. I see happiness all around me and there are so many people talking about happiness, studying it from scientific, religious, or philosophical stances, and delivering it to the masses with such clarity and brevity, it’s difficult to understand that how such an elusive feeling can be captured so succinctly. For example: I know what I want, but I just don’t know how to get there. I thought I was on the path to what I wanted, doing the right things, working hard… and then WHAM-O!! I get blindsided by a brick wall, let’s call it “reality?”. On top of that, I’ve had a lifetime of crap I don’t want. From shit friends, to awful jobs and/or bosses that suck my will to live, to people who straight up manipulate me and use me. I feel like I’ve been pretty clear to the universe that I do not want certain things in my life and I’ve gone to painstaking lengths to remove them from my life. Yet, all the while, I don’t feel happier. I don’t feel like I’m any closer to what I do want.

Similarly, I have been pretty clear, at least for the most part…, about what I will tolerate from others. I will tolerate a great deal, and I have a great deal of patience when it comes to certain things and people. Yet, on the other hand, my tolerance and patience is virtually nonexistent for other people and things. That’s just a human flaw I believe. But I’m 100% sure that I will not tolerate people lying, stealing, cheating, or otherwise being hateful toward me. I had to end a friendship that has lasted for more than a decade because I found out this person stole from me and lied. I was completely out of contact with him for more than a year, and now that he lives in a different city, we have only just now started to communicate and it’s only once a week at most. However, even with my boundaries firmly set, and me being honest about where people stand in my life, I still feel no closer to happiness.

This particular image resonates with me significantly. On one side, it’s so trite of someone to say, insinuating that it’s just THAT easy to start doing what you want. I know from example that it’s far from easy. Frankly, I question if it’s even worth it. But at the same time, because it is so difficult for regular people, those of us that have to pay bills, and work lame jobs, and who do not have extensive resources and support systems to allow “dreams to come true”, it makes it that much more enticing. I WANT TO LIVE MY AUTHENTIC LIFE. I do. But again, how do you get there? More importantly, how do you get there without losing everything you’ve worked for? And what if when you “get there” and it’s not what you want after all? How do you even know when you’ve arrived “there”? What does it look like? What does it feel like to be living the life you’ve always dreamed? And I’m not talking about multimillionaire status here, I’m talking genuine happiness. I’ve come to the realization that there are few moments in which I have enjoyed genuine happiness. I think I can count them on two hands.

Recently, my honey, my bestie, and one of my other best friends went to a music festival together. It was so much fun. The most fun I have had in a very long time. The music was amazing, we got to scratch a couple items off the bucket list, and it was just a great time. But what goes up, must come down. The next two days (the show was on a Friday) were incredibly challenging and negative. I honestly couldn’t wait to go back to work where I didn’t have to deal with my “real” life. I hate feeling like that. I want to enjoy my time off, since it’s the only time where I can do the things that I don’t HAVE to do. Yes, I do things that I have to do, like clean the house and grocery shopping, but that’s minor. I don’t have to stare at a computer in spreadsheet hell for 8+ hours a day. But when I have weekends where I’m just over it and it’s nothing but conflict, what’s the point of being home? I might as well just go back to spreadsheet hell. At least there, I’m getting paid to deal with it. At home, I’m basically paying for the privilege to be not at work. I do not like that idea at all.

Because I’ve sort of been living in my own personal hell these days, aside from the spreadsheets, stemming from school and my educational future, I haven’t had a chance to come up for air. We are still dealing with the financial repercussions of having to take a few months off for my internship and unexpected bills. Of course, the holidays do not make paying down debt easier. It’s frustrating and I feel defeated. I am trying to find those moments, however fleeting, where I can enjoy genuine happiness and I’m slowly making tangible changes to achieve personal goals. I plan to take some classes after the new year that will not only enrich my mind, but also my physical self. It will help achieve several goals I have set for myself. I am really looking forward to this. I am hopeful that my bestie will get to take them with me. We can both scratch that off the bucket list. It’s hard though, being so removed from my genuine self for so many years, to get back to that person. I’m not sure that person even exists anymore. All I know if that I have to begin doing the things that I know I used to love, to see if they still fit. I want to fun things, that also enrich my mind and spirit. I’ll let you know how that goes, as I start doing them. Wish me luck!

I hope that each of you consider what is preventing you from living your genuine truth, if you aren’t already living it. When you put your finger on the problem, it becomes easier to move beyond. Best of luck my faithful and new readers. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate you.

November 28, 2014 0

Sensory happiness

It is said that everyone experiences different things differently through their five (or six) senses. Taste, smell, sight, touch, sound and perception are not just part of our current experiences, however. Instead it’s through these means that we also create our memories. And through these means, we have the incredible ability to have these memories triggered and come flooding back. While driving to work this very morning, that happened. I was listening to a station that plays EDM (electronic dance music) and because this form of expression was the background to some of my most ecstatic and also some of my darkest moments ever, many of those memories and emotions came flooding through me. Not only was I overcome with feelings and thoughts, I also felt immediately compelled to write about the experience.

It’s through the senses of overwhelming bass, the closeness of thousands of virtual strangers in my immediate proximity, the suffocating lack of breathable air, and the sights of hundreds to thousands of faces in the crowd and fantastic lighting was my ‘hobby’ of dancing formed. I remember the very first party I went to like it was yesterday, and yet it was more than 15 years ago. I feel like it’s been a lifetime since that night, and in reality, it has been. I have lost the majority of the people I was once very close to, but the closeness to dancing and music has never left me. In those moments, I have never felt so completely free. I have never been able to step outside myself in such a tangible and intangible way. Besides my other personal love, roller derby, the world has never made more sense.

I’m older now and gatherings have changed immensely, on top of the fact that I kind of like sleeping at night these days, that desire for escaping the world in a fury of bitchin’ dance moves is always something that I’m missing in daily life. It’s in those experiences that I was able to experience happiness though. A perfect, unique joy that can only be brought back via sudden memories, in this case driving to work, and the experiences themselves.

The take away message here: find your joy wherever you can. It is fleeting.

August 5, 2014 0

Happiness is an inside job

I found a quote on a local church marquis over the weekend that stated ‘happiness is an inside job’. At first I could only laugh because that day was particularly challenging and introspective, but also I found it funny to be in front of a church. Now, I’m not religious, as anyone has read (spiritual, yes), but I always thought that religion, especially Christianity was about getting right with god and had little to do with personal happiness. Simply salvation in the next world. Since I have been very introspective the last few days, that sign has sort of stuck with me. I have written pages upon pages of words relating to the notion of happiness essentially stemming from within and radiating out, and yet this sign summed it up so easily.

Happiness is an inside job. I’ve been struggling with the inside of myself and with the outside world. To quote myself a couple years ago, inner chaos brings outer chaos and vice versa. I can say with certainty that the outer chaos is destroying whatever inner peace I have recently gained, which has caused many internal problems for me.

At the same time, I know that for growth to occur, destruction has to happen first. It cannot last forever, unless I choose roads that continue the suffering. Situations are impermanent. How I deal with these everyday situations will shape the lessons I learn and how I grow as a person, consciously or not. I can remain bitter and grow resentful of the inadequacies of others and how I somehow got a raw deal or I can trudge forward and attempt to learn something. I mean, I’m destined to repeat it again, if I don’t learn it this time around, right?

Along those same lines I’ve recently discovered that I’m reliving situations that I should have learned from almost a decade ago. But the strange catch to this lesson is that I’m on the other side of the equation. Instead of playing my role, it’s of another person and the role of me is played by someone else entirely. It’s incredibly bizarre to have a stark reminder of where I’ve come from, but worse yet, I now understand fully what that person may have been feeling at the time. While the situations are by no means exactly alike, the similarities are striking and I truly feel that the lesson is the same for the person sharing it with me, and my lesson here is different from theirs. Instead, I believe I’m meant to deepen my understanding of it, and perhaps even come to a place of forgiveness about those past hurts.

I am trying to learn my lessons while teaching a lesson I’ve already learned. It’s challenging, to say the least. Meanwhile, I’m also trying to live my life, what’s left of it. I say what’s left of it because it vaguely resembles anything I’m familiar with. Instead, it’s like a shell, or even a movie. I know all the actors, I felt like I’ve seen it before, but I just can’t figure out the punch line. I’m waiting to ‘get’ the joke.

What I’ve taken away from these feelings and frustrations lately is that I really am unhappy with where I am in life. I have to stay on course just a little longer before I can make the necessary changes. And I’m also trying to swallow the idea that somehow I still don’t have a clear handle my life, even thought I surely thought by the time I was in my 30s, I’d have figured it out. I am not entirely sure we ever really do, but rather, we are surrounded by people who have mastered the art of ‘fake it until you make it’, and none of us really have a handle on it.

So what does this have to do with the sign? I’m not really sure about that either. But I do know that millions of people find comfort with a set of guidelines, even if they don’t necessarily follow the rules very well. It’s comforting to know they’re out there and most of these souls are just as lost as you are. They’re all just trying to fake it the best they can.

Thanks for reading! Please share your stories in the comment section. I’m curious if others have similar thoughts and feelings.

July 22, 2014 0

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