Tag: Happiness

The Holiday Happiness Struggle

Hello dear readers,

I hope this belated post finds you all doing well. I am generally good, but life has been rather unexpected as of late, hence the delay in posting yet again.

Today’s blog is mainly about the holiday slump, but other fun stuff will be peppered in there too (bad pun, I know).

As we sort of steamroll into the end of the year it dawned on me a couple of things: 1) thanksgiving (for the Americans, at least) is next week. ALREADY. And 2) quite truthfully, as some readers know from previous posts, I hate this time of year. Now, before you stop reading and cast me off forever for being a Grinch, hear me out.

On one hand, the holidays are a magical time of year for togetherness, love, altruism and selfless giving. I am TOTALLY down for those qualities. However, the dark side of the holidays is where I’m lost and I hate it. Selfishness, greed, consumerism, obligation, pressure, expectation, depression, and repression are all too common and as I get older, maybe it gets easier to spot or maybe it’s just getting worse… I’m not sure. But the bottom line is that I have no patience for it and it makes me sad and angry. That is not to say that there aren’t bright spots, because there are, but good grief… People literally killing one another for a tv is just pure madness to me.

The holidays are also used as a dividing tactic, in my opinion. Families can’t be together because one member isn’t welcome, so they go somewhere else. Or the meals the celebrations are inevitably surrounding aren’t inclusive to everyone either. Such as, I’m a vegan and when I spend a holiday with my extended family, I have to eat beforehand. There will surely be a veggie tray and some soup my grandmother insists I try because I can just pick out the chicken… Mashed potatoes, but we used skim milk… what do you mean it’s not vegan?

I know they mean well, but I’m always the outsider. Even growing up I was the outsider, mainly because I was outspoken when it probably wasn’t a good idea to be and way too smart for my own good. Not much has changed. Strangely, my friend’s, boyfriend’s and now my husband’s families have always been more inclusive to me than my own family. I guess that’s why I find myself ‘collecting the strays’ ever since high school. People who have crappy families, no families or whatever their situation, they spend holidays with me. I think they need it as much as I do, that feeling of togetherness.

But as I said, I struggle during the holiday stampede and endless Xmas music to find my bliss and truly just can’t wait for the craziness to be over. I’m not sure about in other cities, but in this one, people. get. crazy. during the holidays. They get pushier, shovier, and shorter tempered in their rush to do the next thing. The universe blessed Phoenix in that it very rarely snows here, because truly I don’t think I could handle the people, snow, and the people handling snow. It would likely cause the end of the world. Just saying.

I just recently took a fundraising position for a nonprofit organization and after my first day of field training, at a mall kiosk, I’m not only doubting my effectiveness in this position but also doubting humanity. Generally speaking, I’m expected to be a barker at people walking by. This is much harder than I give those mall guys credit for. At least the makeup or jewelry people have a product to sell. We are ‘selling’ an idea. We have to tap into what we think people will care about: kids, families, disasters, violence… We have to poke the hot button. And in a split second. I am just not that smooth. I’ve never done sales before. I’m an office worker or manual labor. Standing in the middle of a shopping mall trying to hustle? Damn hard and way out of my comfort zone. I’m going to try and stick it out to see if I make improvements, but the outlook is bleak.

I’m already finding myself wishing it were January.

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Against Our Own Best Interest

I recently watched a TED talk that pointed toward why it is human beings act against their best interest. Generally speaking, it’s due to emotions. There are a bunch of things swirling in there but the basic idea is that the rational part of us shuts off when our emotions are involved in the process.

On a personal level, I’m just as guilty as anyone about this particular topic. Often, I make really stupid decisions because it’s for a friend or someone I love. I put myself too far out on the limbs, to the tippy-top scary branches when it’s for one of the people close to me. Similarly, it comes back to bite me. I like to joke about ‘no good deed goes unpunished’, and while it is in jest, there is an element of truth to that sentiment for me. I know that’s not exactly the world’s most positive notion, but happiness isn’t always about positivity… Sometimes it’s just about honesty.

Anyway, honesty is one of those tricky things, I’ve discovered. I watched another TED talk about spotting dishonesty and how to make the world a more honest place. I agree with honesty and it being the best policy, but as the speaker illustrated, white lies must exist to spare the feelings of others. I agree with this as well. Nobody wants to hurt their loved one’s feelings and telling them that the haircut they love makes their face look fat would be more hurtful than the lie.

Of course, there are gentle ways to tell the truth and whenever possible, these methods should be done, in my opinion. It’s when brutal honesty comes into play, can it be damaging to any relationship. I am generally direct but I really strive to be cautious of the feelings of others. With that being said, I have been struggling with some elements of brutal honesty lately. The struggle is that while I appreciate the fact that these people are extremely candid, what they are honest about has been tough to swallow.

Now this is where acting against my best interest comes full circle. I want these people to be happy and remain honest with me. Because of this, I have to act against myself and my own happiness. In many situations throughout my life, this boundary has been extremely skewed and one sided. Typically I’ve been left beaten up when all is said and done. Thankfully I’m learning to extend that boundary and give myself a little more space to deal with issues, so I am less weary by the end. But unfortunately I am still developing this skill. I still find myself at odds with what’s best for myself and the honesty context.

In summary, this is essentially just another reminder that I’m human. I am not necessarily as strong as I think and sometimes I over estimate my capacity to deal with things. On the other hand, human beings are know for coping with more adversity than they ever thought possible, which makes me think that rather than me being a super heroine with human elements, I’m simply a human with bouts of superhuman abilities. I really believe that each of us had this skill, it’s just a matter of cultivating it.

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Chaos and more

I have learned a many valuable lesson in my life and I think picking your battles wisely is one of the main ones. To bring it back to the heart of this blog, happiness, Buddhism and life… Right Speech, Right Action and Right Thought. I have recently gotten out of the habit of monitoring my thoughts, words and actions so closely as I did when I was sticking to the Happiness Project. I’ve also noticed that petty fights and arguments with people are damn hard to avoid sometimes. You’re having a regular conversation and suddenly you’re arguing about nothing. Also, in our modern world of hustle and bustle, being overwhelmed and exhausted causes more than it’s fair share of squabbles. And sometimes, I know I’m guilty, you’re just crabby or sensitive for no reason.

Another thing that I’ve realized is that the more involved you are with someone, with their life… the more arguments arise. So, naturally, you’re going to fight more with your spouse, kids, families… just due to proximity and level of intimacy. So you fight with the people you care about the most. Talk about irony. However, I’ve been forced to learn the hard way all of these lessons, and I’m still learning them. I find that as soon as I feel like things are going well, someone will say something hurtful and I’ll react or I’ll just be crabby and snap at someone, causing a HUGE blow out.

This is where picking your battles comes in. For most people when they are hurt or being sensitive, the hardest thing in the world is to say you’re sorry. All you want to do is make the hurt stop somehow and curiously, we often do it by hurting others and/or escalating the argument to “win” it. As everyone knows in their rational mind, this doesn’t work…. at all. It just wounds everyone involved, making reconciliation even harder to sometimes accomplish. However, if we make the rational choice to not react when we are hurt, we end many fights before they begin. I know as well as anyone that this is FAR easier said than done. But the fact remains.

Instead of reacting when you’re slighted or hurt, it gives you space to choose your words, thoughts and actions more carefully. Often it’s said that “it all happened so fast” in regards to a fight, it happens suddenly and gets nasty real fast. By taking that minute or second to think, instead of immediately snap back, it creates that slowing down of time. And better yet, it prevents you from saying things that you cannot take back.

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The words “I’m sorry” and “I love you” are incredibly powerful if they are said in truth. Passive-aggressive, placating “I’m sorry” doesn’t do the trick and telling someone you love them when you really don’t is one of the greatest sins people can make toward one another, in my opinion. It not only is a colossal lie, but it degrades what those words mean… they are the verbal expression of a very true and sincere feeling. It should never be taken lightly or tampered with. To me, love is sacred and when it’s taken for granted or used as the base for lies… there’s no coming back from that. It’s officially tainted.

However, if you’re fighting with someone, you can muster those words to spring true from within and you have the courage to say them to end or at least bring down the conflict, you are a strong person and on the right path. Sincerity is the key.

Anyway, fighting less and when you do fight, fighting kindly are great ways to eliminate chaos from everyday life. I had a good run there for a while, but with intense pressure and stress in my daily life, keeping that rhythm has been incredibly tough. I know it’s been tough on those around me because I’m definitely way more edgy these days, but I try my best. Everyday, I make the effort to touch base with important people, just to say hi, and let them know that they’re on my mind. I also do my absolute best at telling and showing those close to me that I love them and value their presence in my life. This is many times just a simple “thank you for everything”. Right now, I’ve noticed that I’ve been saying that particular phrase A LOT because I have a lot of people helping me keep myself together, and without them I’d surely be lost.

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In the thick of it

Happy Tuesday fair readers.

I’m going to cut right to the chase, life is stupid hard. It seems like everywhere you turn, someone, if not ourselves are in the thick of a heap of crap. I know that lately, I’ve been personally struggling with what seems like EVERYTHING going wrong. It’s as if the universe is playing a sick joke on me, trying to find my breaking point. I can say that I’ve come pretty damn close to the edge of the cliff in my life, this awful spell is inching closer and closer to that same point. I know I could go on and on about how bad things suck, and in my head, sometimes I do. But I’m not going to waste any more time with that nonsense, nor am I going to waste your time complaining about “woe is me”. This post is not about that. Quite the opposite, actually.

The point I’m getting at is that everyone has times of feast and times of famine, so to speak. It’s all in how we survive, is what makes us who we are (Thanks Rise Against for that perfect song lyric). I know that it sounds cheesy, but it’s actually true. Studies have shown that our adaptability in times of stress actually make the effects of stress less detrimental to our health and well being. That’s science right there.

Anyway, there’s tons of literature that suggests that even while in the thick of a crisis or just a universe meltdown in our lives, if we are compassionate to ourselves and others, focus on solutions rather than freaking out and generally have a positive outlook on life… we feel the effects, both short term and long term, less and have better coping skills later when crap happens. There is also mounting evidence that stress will literally kill you.

So finding solutions and ways to alleviate the stress, even for just a few moments at a time, will increase your life and the quality of it. I’m certainly no expert on the science of stress, in the credentialed sense, but I have attended the school of hard knocks and lived so far to tell about it. I also know how stress effects our eating habits (I went to college) and I’m also an expert on my own “in the thick of it” stupid life and how I react to crap happening, constantly.

I’ll tell you what I’ve learned:

First, it’s ok to cry about how bad stuff sucks. Without that moment of hopelessness and acceptance of the situation’s effect on you, it’s often hard to get out of the whirlwind of feelings, thoughts and panic. That moment of purging is actually good for you.

Second, once the tears have dried, I always feel exhausted but also I have a clear head and can begin to work on a plan for getting things straight again. That’s the order from chaos that I keep hearing about, at least for me. I’m able to focus once I’ve got a handle on the spinning in my head.

Third, don’t be afraid to throw caution to the wind. In times of stress, uncertainty, pain and sorrow all we want to do is insulate. We want to preserve ourselves from the harsh storm. It’s in our DNA to protect the self. However, that silly ego has to go away and we need to branch out. This could be trying something that you’ve never done before, applying for a job that you’re not entirely qualified for, ASKING FOR HELP from those close to you…. there are a multitude of ways and each of them will be unique to each of us, but doing something different will lead to different circumstances. Doing the same things again and again just allows you to stagnate.

Finally, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Yes, I’m saying pull yourself up by your boot straps. I know for a fact that it’s easier to give up and even relying on other people to help dig you out of the hole, but when you go to bed at night, wherever that might be…. you’ve got yourself and your thoughts. You might be fortunate enough to have a partner in your resting place, but they don’t know what your internal monologue is saying to you and if yours is anything like mine, it’s nothing nice. But if you can, against all odds, pull yourself out of the funk, even with your jerky self sabotaging you from the inside… there’s nothing you won’t be able to accomplish.

I will be the first person to tell you that I don’t take my own advice often, but I’ll also mention that I have said nothing in this post that I’ve not heard from my close friends and family. I hate that they’re right and that I’m in the thick of it, but it happens and you have one of two choices: embrace it and move on, or not. Not moving on though, will wreak havoc on your body, mind and ultimately kill you. At least figuring out a plan out of the trench will give you the possibility of hope and success.

Special thanks to Chris McCombs (http://chrismccombs.net/) for writing blogs about this and many other topics. He’s got a much more direct way of saying some of the same things (you’ve been warned), but a great read.

Thanks for reading!

 

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