Internal Monologue

I’m not sure about anyone else, but I can say that my internal monologue is a tough critic. I’d even say that I’m my own worst enemy and my internal dialogue to myself is proof of that. I noticed the other day though, during a pretty significant moment of loss and despair, that it can also be my biggest cheerleader and greatest advocate for my abilities.

It’s strange that I have this back and forth inside myself: one moment I’m berating and lambasting myself and in the next, I’m rooting myself on. It’s like mental whiplash sometimes. But I will say that I’m glad to have someone in my corner when the chips are down and I need someone the most, but I also know that same voice in my head will be the first one to kick me when I’m climbing up the ladder.

Lately, I have to say it’s been a real challenge to be “happy”. Things have been incredibly difficult. Pets needing expensive and immediate care, more unsettling career changes, and just the general sense of self doubt and disconnectedness from the universe. I sort of feel like I’m the universe’s whipping boy at the moment. As my grandmother always said, “When it rains, it pours”. Truer words have never been spoken to my knowledge. It is just one thing after another and the stress and tension have been mounting,

The few joys I have in life, hobbies and things I find enjoyable are slowly fading away with nothing to replace them. I’m feeling very lost in the world right now, not knowing which way is up or where the hell I’m even going. I feel like I’m just spinning in circles.

It’s hard to write a blog about happiness when it’s something so elusive. I know it’s not possible to be happy all the time, because we’re humans and life happens sometimes. But at the same time, I feel like I’m doing my few readers that check out this page (hi guys!) a disservice by not “walking the walk” at this moment. But sadly, I am but a human too.

I know for the most part this blog has been about my search for simple joys and writing about my happiness quest. I think, however, I’ve shied away from writing when “life happens” and things get real for me. I’m not one to complain about my problems and I try not to vent to those close to me… but I’ve been thinking that this page is less than authentic if I don’t also include the struggles. So, here’s my first real attempt at writing here when I’m not happy.

When I say that I’m not happy, as those that have been following remember, there are more than one type of happiness. There’s immediate gratification happy and long term happy. I am not happy on the surface at this time in life. It’s rife with struggles and conflict from just about every angle. However, I’m cultivating long term happiness in ways like being in school working on my degree so that I feel accomplished in a career that I know I’ll find fulfilling. So when I say I’m not happy, I mean that things on a daily basis are incredibly stressful and I need them to start changing.

And as you that have read previous blogs remember, I need to start that change within myself. This brings me back to my internal dialogue. Changing how I talk to myself in the confines of my own head is probably one of the most difficult things ever, but also one of the most important. It goes back to “Right Thought”. I need to start with myself and think right and speak right to my own consciousness.

Wish me luck!

June 10, 2013 0

Good luck on the infinite abyss

Long time, no blog… I know.

But you know…. life.

Anyway, I digress. I just finished re-watching “Garden State” and it’s been a really long time since I’ve seen it, but I remember how much I loved it and it remains to be true. I remember how connected to that movie I felt the first time I saw it, even though someone said that it was pretentious. Yes, it could be construed at pretentious and trying too hard to be artsy, but there are certain aspects of the film that really resonate with me.

It’s humbling to realize that you’re not the only one who feels detached, numb, lost and uncertain. Yes, it’s a movie, but it comes across as honest. I think it’s that honesty that I identify with about those feelings of confusion and singularity. I feel like that is one of the few things that humans needs, crave… feeling connected to others.

For those of you that have seen the movie, as you can tell by the title of this post, one of my favorite lines in the movie is by the antique dealer guy living with his family on a defunct boat on the edge of a quarry. As Zach Braff, Natalie Portman and the other guy (I can’t think of his name right now, sorry) are leaving his place in the rain storm, Zach Braff says “Good luck on the infinite abyss” and the antique dealer smiles and says, “Hey, you too.” It seemed like such a pointed line of dialogue… like, “good luck out there”. Things like that line are what hit home for me. Of course, that line is followed up by the trio climbing on top of a excavator having a primal scream overlooking the edge of the infinite abyss.

I always feel introspective when I see films that hit home for me and today isn’t any different. I remember the previous times that I’ve seen it, the parts of it that make me think, how they’ve changed… how I’ve changed, how circumstances always change.

So, yeah, for those that haven’t watched it, it’s really slow, not much dialogue… but what talking there is, is character driven. There’s little action. Be forewarned.

May 14, 2013 0

Take a hike!

Happy Monday to everyone reading this post. I hope you all had wonderful weekends. I know I did… Though, I understand now how the saying ‘take a hike’ can be offensive.

My honey and I have done a little bit of hiking and we have plans to become more avid hikers. We decided that our Sunday would be a 10.7 mile hike. Pretty ambitious for a pair of beginners. But what the hell, it can’t be that bad right?

Zoom in… it’s the long purple line that goes left to right….

We had a pretty rough time though. It could have been much worse, I’m sure, but it was pretty strenuous. It was considered a moderate hike. Some parts were really easy while others were a bit harder. The hardest part really was doing it.

Sadly, we got off to a bad start to begin with. We hiked up the wrong trail accidentally and it took an hour or so for us to get to the right one. After that it took about 6 hours.

I will tell you that I’m feeling it today, a whole bunch. I’m definitely not 19 anymore. However, even though my body hates me at the moment, I got to spend the entire day with my honey, outside in the chilly wind, having a really cool, unusual shared experience. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I love adventures and I love my man. What a perfect combination.

February 25, 2013 4

Long time, no see!

Hello again to my readers… It’s been a while.

First, let’s recap on the craziness that has been life since the new year: Enjoying my school-free days, spending time with my honey and planning stuff, working super long hours to pay for impeding plans and vacations, skating as often as I can with my growing team, training my new employees, and the most recent bit of crazy news… I applied and got accepted into a graduate program. I start next month. This will make the next year or so interesting with all the other things happening, but I’m excited that they have faith in me and see potential in my goals enough to accept me into the program. It’s a private school, so the selection process is rather strict. But I didn’t have to take the GRE, I just had to have good grades and a few other things during my undergrad. Finally! Being a nerd pays off!

As I mentioned at the end of 2012, I will be focusing more on certain goals and doing what it takes to get there. I have fewer things and they’re certainly less structured, but the ideas I have in mind are not easier than last year. I almost think these new goals and plans are more important and require daily action to make them reality.

I’ve got several indoor and outdoor projects in mind for the house. These will require not only cash, but also serious physical determination. Working all day makes that more difficult, since I have less energy and desire to put in labor after a 10 hour day. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is that once these projects are done, the house will be even more beautiful and inviting. It’s just getting to that point.

http://images.nationalgeographic.com/wpf/media-live/photos/000/015/cache/swirling-aurora-nicklen_1528_990x742.jpg

Needless to say, I am so happy and excited about all the good things that are finally happening. It makes me feel like the struggles and positivity over the last year or two is paying off. It’s easy for me to get sucked into the negativity, especially when I’ve got people coming at me from all directions. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and tired, to snap back at people and to feel defeated. That part is a constant struggle even now. But I try to take it all in stride and know that my life does not revolve around that swirling mess of negativity. My life revolves around my family and friends, the joy that I receive from them being parts of my life. It revolves around the simple joys I experience everyday, the love that I’m shown in a thousand ways by everyone that matters and of course in how I treat and appreciate others. For this, I am grateful, even more so for the fact that I can recognize it and appreciate it.

Thank you all for participating in the amazing lives of others and keep it positive.

February 14, 2013 0

Happiness Project Year in Review!

Hey there readers of my fledgling little blog, what few of you are left since I fell off the Earth.

I first want to thank you all for sticking with me and the crazy project I’ve had going on here. You stuck with my hairbrained plan, followed me through the ups and downs and I’m glad we made it. Without many of you, I’m not sure that I would have.

As many of you have read through these last 12 months, I have set out very specific goals for myself and a track to get to where I want in life. Not surprisingly, it hasn’t exactly gone the way I’d hoped and it certainly hasn’t gone smoothly. I’ve undergone countless changes within my personal, professional and scholarly lives, only to make it through no worse for ware, on the other side.

Some of the things I’ve learned I never would have imagined, such as my inner strength and my level of patience. However, I also reinforced many traits that I knew I had, such as self determination and hardworking nature. Without those things, I easily would have crumbled. Instead, I was able to stand my ground, complete my goals and while often frayed around the edges, I succeeded. The best part is that I have my loved ones in my camp to support me through it all. I could not have done it without them.

My plan going forward is to continue to write my goals down, perhaps not as structured and specifically this time around, but to also to track my progress. I truly believe that this is what motivates me and keeps me on track. That, and my overwhelming sense of obligation.

Anyway, in closing, thank you for reading and keeping me going this year. See you on the flip side with more craziness and hilarity.

http://beginningdharma.wordpress.com/2011/01/29/eightfold-path-right-action/

December 29, 2012 1

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