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Remembrance
Independence
This week, we in the United States, experienced Independence Day. It’s supposed to be a celebration of our separation from the British monarchy. Without getting too political here, I’m not so sure we are actually all that separated from any sort of Authoritarian rule, and we may see a return to something resembling a monarchy someday. Things are getting weird here.
Anyway, that’s not what this is post is about. Instead, the concept of independence at all, is the topic of this entry. There are no independent factors in an ecosystem. The sun allows plants to photosynthesize, the water to carry nutrients, the insects feed on, spread the seeds and/or pollen for plant propagation, other animals feed on those insects, other animals feed on those animals and so on. No one that survives does it completely alone. We, even as humans, are critically DEPENDENT on other beings. The beings who produce the organisms we eat, the insects, the decomposers who deal with the decaying matter, and everything in between. We are dependent on on another too. As babies, we are under developed and fragile. We need safe and appropriate caretakers (the jury is often out on that one) not only to carry us around and feed us, but to teach us things as well. Culture, mores, norms, methods of communication, how and where to find food, what food even IS… these are all things we learn very young from the people in charge of us. That’s wildly dependent for a bunch of years, unheard of in the remainder of the animal kingdom. Other primates don’t care directly for their young for nearly as long, nor do any other mammals on the planet. We are quite unique in that way, just how intensely dependent we are and for as long.
As a Buddhist, I understand INTERdependence. So not only are we dependent, but we are all mutually dependent on one another. It’s a two-way street, you see. I am dependent on others, who are also and generally equally, dependent on me. That’s not to say we are responsible for the care and upkeep of every living thing we come across, because that’s not sustainable. It does mean that we are all in this together and nobody is above needing others to help them out. We need the air, water, plants, insects, etc. We also need the fellow inhabitants on this rock to not destroy the resources we all have to share. This last bit some people struggle with, I think. These resources that are available for us all, we have to share them. Instead, we’ve commodified basic life sustaining elements, like clean air and water. It’s really a shame. Sure, it’s not likely that we’d have moved from hunter-gatherers to what we have now, without commodifying basic needs. But now we have shit like credit scores and taxes, paying for water, when we probably could have gone a different way.
Since our planet is careening toward the 6th mass extinction, what can we do? I mean, obviously our species, and many we share the Earth with, are not going to make it without some drastic changes. Our stubborn humans generally don’t want to admit there is a problem, or can’t decide who has to be responsible for it. As individuals, we have choices, however. We vote for the world we want to live in, with every dollar we spend. We can choose to use those bucks wisely, and make better, more sustainable choices. The disposable nature of the society we’ve created, requires us to forget our connectedness.
Finding people who are on a similar path, helps to build community and additional resources for us. We can choose to recognize that we are here for the same reasons, and we are all deserving of respect, even if we don’t agree ideologically. We all want to feel successful in our lives, find meaning in our families or chosen families, and want to pursue happiness in whatever forms make sense. But I encourage us to also internalize the idea that none of us are islands unto ourselves and we need one another to make it. Not just as a species, but as members of the species. We don’t want our lives cut short, typically. This means we have to work together, especially in the ever-changing world. We have to find our people and work together. Create the villages we all know we need. Things don’t seem to be getting easier in many ways, even with all the technology we can and will develop. Nothing can take the place of connection and interconnectedness.
Thank you for reading.
Exhaustion
To say that adulting is exhausting right now, would be the understatement of the century. Even being a kid is an endless string of activities, events, play dates, tests, and whatever. Many of us are chronically sleep deprived to start with, but what about the emotional and spiritual toll this modern world lays on us? How does chronic sleep deprivation factor into these elements, and how do we get out of the ruts in which we find ourselves? I can assure you, we are not going to “self care” our way through the feelings of dread, dissatisfaction, loneliness, anger, loss, shame, frustration… or much else. The whole idea that we can find salvation in a product, concept, or idea, has been the biggest of the big lies of human history. But really though, how do we find it? Asking for a friend.
There has to be a balance struck again, if ever there was one, in our daily lives. For instance, I get up VERY early every morning, so that I have time to collect my thoughts before the action of the day, especially weekdays. I have about 1-2 hours before the house starts to wake up. I’m able to read the news, make coffee, do some yoga or meditate, catch up on social media, and maybe even get some breakfast. I wake the kiddo up for school, and we are off to the races from there, until bedtime for us both. By 8:30pm, I’m soooo ready for bed. That’s just the regular schedule we have. It’s summer break now, so things are a little different. I still get up with the sun, and want to crawl into bed at the same time as always. I definitely like a routine. However, the last several days have been different. Perhaps it’s the humidity where we live, or that our school-year routine has been disrupted, but I can say I’ve been walking around like a zombie. I’ve been doing some learning courses in the early mornings, and the kiddo has been in summer mode, sleeping in typically. I’m way too high strung to sleep in or take naps. I’ve been an insomniac as long as I can remember. The balance to the crazy days are those moments of quiet in the morning; rarely is anyone up with me, save for the dog. I can attest that this week has been a challenge to find that balance, since the kiddo has also been fighting a summer cold, waking up early in the mornings, and struggling to get to sleep at night for the same reason. I’m grateful that I’ve been available to attend to the illness and a kiddo who needs me, but losing the balance time has been noticeable.
In contrast, it has taken me decades to get to this place of understanding rhythms. I’m a routine-oriented, Type-A, highly anxious human being, so “relaxing” isn’t something that comes naturally to me. My version of it is cleaning the kitchen or sitting here at my desk writing. I spend about an hour or so on the couch in the evenings with my family, generally unwinding from the day, but even then, I’m typically multitasking on my phone. It’s the main time that I get to see my husband, as he often works longs days away from home, while I work at home and chauffeur a small human to and from school.
But why? Why is it so hard for me to wind down? Probably the same reasons that you and many other people do. We are overstimulated, overworked, overtired, while simultaneously undervalued, and under-connected with. It’s a wild dichotomy and how we found ourselves here is a modern human invention. It didn’t have to be this way. I’m not someone who has nostalgia for the hunter-gatherer days, by any stretch. I enjoy not being a nomad (in some ways), having a permanent home, and being able to have that routine I speak so highly of. I like modern conveniences for stuff, too. However, at the same time, I loathe the idea of credit scores and preventable wars, billionaires and their race to the stars. I’m pretty much over most of it.
This leads me back to balance and exhaustion. It’s fucking exhausting living in the modern age. We are distracted, disconnected from everything that matters, and more diseased than ever. There has to be some sort of balance. We have to find the simplicity and joy of connection, focus, and love. If we come from a place of love and connection, all things are possible, in my opinion. Obviously, peace and love aren’t going to get the richest among us to pay more in taxes or end world hunger anytime soon. I’m not delusional. However, it’ll make our time on this rock suck marginally less, and give us the community of friends, family, and neighbors that we so desperately need. We will make connections with those around us, help us find support during the hard times, and have folks to celebrate with us during the times we need to throw a parade for our successes. It makes every single thing suck less, to not be an island. It’s the love and connections that will get us through.
One of my besties literally just called me, while she is on a weekend trip with longtime friends and family, to tell me about a win she just received. A 30 second phone call to say “Hey I got the great news in an email just now, and I had to share it with you”. I told her how amazing I thought it was, and told her congratulations. That was it. Love you, bye. End of call. This is the shit we need. People in our corner to fight and celebrate with us, so we can help each other carry the weight of the crazy world. This is how we strike the balance between overwhelming existential dread and a throwing fucking party. Also, as a brief aside, surround yourself with people who fill your cup up, recharge your batteries, and give a crap about you, as often as humanly possible. The alternative is miserable- 0/10- Do Not Recommend. Not only will we find better balances in our lives, but we will find the drain far less exhausting to endure. Life is short, fill as many moments as possible with love and compassion.
Thank you for reading
Rainy Day Musings
The last several days have been really bipolar in my personal life. Both extremes, swinging wildly to be noticed, as I’ve been wrapping up a couple courses that I’ve been working on in my time off. I’ve been meditating more and noticing there have been some really interesting synchronicities swirling about. I’m moving through some changes and experiencing personal growth, but I look around and see things that may be reminders of something or little signs that I pick up on in the world. Some give me a feeling of reaffirming, like seeing birds in the bird feeder reaffirms that animals are often so much wiser than we are. Oh, and to remember to refill it, as we now have a hungry horde of diverse bird species that come to our birdie buffet. Or seeing 12:34 on the clock everyday, which makes me think I’m on the right path for something. I couldn’t tell you what, since I feel like I’m floating in space most of the time. I also feel like so many of us are “looking for a sign”, that sometimes we just make them up, so we can feel supported or as there is a divine presence of sorts. It makes us feel less alone, I imagine. I’m sure I’m making some of these signs up. That’s my cynical nature shining through. My cautiously optimistic side wants to believe there is something to synchronicities and signs. Maybe I’m just trying to drag myself out of existential dread or perpetual boredom. Who knows?
I’ve been reading a book called Find Your F*ckyeah, by Alexis Rockley (the audio version of course, because I can only read in short bursts these days, due to many interruptions). She describes your F*ckyeah as your “art” or “passion”, not necessarily something you get paid for, but things you’d do without getting paid, or things that you can find your flow in. I love her approach to this book, not claiming to have all the answers, and just being real. I appreciate the honesty. But more than that, I appreciate her saying, sure, I don’t have the answers for you, but I have the way that you can find them yourselves. I don’t want anyone to do anything FOR me, or giving me some “quick fix” solution. I want to have the skills and knowledge to DO IT MYSELF. And maybe that hyper-self reliance is my trauma response to being perpetually disappointed. I’m self aware enough to recognize that I’ve been let down, A LOT. By myself and everyone else. I’d rather be to blame on my own, and figure it out without relying on others, who will then also let me down. Being let down by myself for not meeting an expectation is part of the human experience. Being let down by others can be triggering and cause us to lose faith in humanity or our support systems. It’s all a bad time.
But the question for me is how to find FLOW. Do I do the stuff I’m good at? There’s a handful of things I’m alright at, but most of them are soul numbing and boring as hell. Do I do the things I’m bad at? That sounds like an effort in frustration, since I don’t want to keep doing something I’m bad at to hopefully find joy and flow in it at some later time. Does that make me impatient? Yeah, probably. My brand of neurospicy can only handle so much failure in a day, and doing something I’m not good at in hopes to become better at it, sounds exhausting these days. Unless of course, it’s something I find some sort of joy in, but those things seem to be fewer and fewer. Being an adult is crap. Just continuing to do things that suck, day in and day out, until we come to the end? Why have we done this to ourselves? Alexis suggests making the mundane into a game, to make it less garbage and soul killing.
A couple of things I am pretty good at, that are not completely mind numbing, are writing (which I’m doing right now) and roller skating. There are only a couple roller rinks remaining here, and of course the weather isn’t cooperating for outdoor skating. My hope is to take the kiddo out next week, when the rain is slated to pause, so we can hit the skate park. She can ride her bike or scooter, and I can get in some skate time myself. That’s been the light guiding me out of this weather-induced funk. We’ve had only a few sunny days, and the rest have been torrential rain. Gotta love the Midwest. My goal is to improve my jam (otherwise known as rhythm) skating, since I spent a decade of my life playing roller derby. The jam aspect sort of got lost. I took a couple roller derby practice sessions last year and the game has changed so much, as has the style of play. I retired 10 years ago, so it doesn’t hold the same spark for me. It’s a game and style I don’t particularly recognize, slower paced. It’s a lot less fun to play, and I’m sure it’s not nearly as exciting to watch for spectators. There aren’t the big sweeping hits that send skaters flying into the seats. There aren’t the massive breakaways from the pack, or the harrowing disappointments when someone is sent to the penalty box. The rules themselves have even changed drastically,because this sport is always evolving, as it should. A decade ago, I was pretty good at it. It’s kind of lost the luster now. I love being on skates though, so the skate park will be exciting.
Finding a new hobby seems like the only way to find more flow in life, but what, and how? Alexis talks about how hard it is to find things that we enjoy, that are marginally difficult enough to keep our full attention long enough to find flow, primarily because we are too tired, anxious, or distracted for the trial and error of discovering it. Often we are afraid of failure to the point of “trying new things” paralysis. This keeps many of us from finding our flow, our art, our passions in life. This keeps us on the hamster wheel of productive for productivity sake, and completely out of finding our F*ckyeah. It makes us relatively good employees, and otherwise numb to the injustices in the world. We are passive and tired as hell. I blame many of the issues we are experiencing in our current world (politics, war, famines), on exactly this. How things might be different if we were all finding our flow, and excelling at things we enjoy? It’s a wild thought to entertain, for sure.
My hope for us all is that we find what lights us up, where we can find joy and flow, bringing our whole selves into the light, even if it’s only occasionally. Best wishes in discovering what that is for yourself, finding the time and resources to explore and try and fail in all the things you’ve been afraid to.
Creators
Please find this new post at the link below, on Substack. I will figure out how to integrate these two platforms in a better, more meaningful way soon. Thank you for bearing with me during this transition.
