Tag: Heart

Right Actions- A Thought

As a Buddhist, we generally strive to follow the eight-fold noble path. Right Action is one of those folds. However, the word “right” in all of the eight folds is quite subjective and often difficult to really qualify.

For instance, fighting in a situation may very well be the right thing for a person to do in the moment, for fear of real danger. However, it may not be “legal”, which inherently isn’t “right” in the eyes of our judicial system. Besides the judgements, is that action still morally right? I’ve recognized that frequently, “moral” and “legal” are not aligned.

In the words of the great Stan Lee- every villain is the hero of their own story.

Fear and morality are parts of Right Action, in that, our morals and our fear reflexes very much shape our worlds as individuals, and our experiences in the world at large. It’s suffice to say, that absent these guides, people would also behave very differently, I believe.

For example: if we were not afraid of consequences, I feel there’d be many more instances of people making unhelpful or unwholesome choices in their lives. If many of us did not have clearly defined morals (whether spiritually based or not), we’d have a much more aggressive and violent world. That’s not to say “moral” people don’t do counterproductive and/or harmful things. Because they often do, largely from some semblance of moral superiority or self righteousness. I just think that we’d all be worse off, without morals and fear guiding the general populace.

I know that the question: who’s to say what’s “right”, is obviously unanswerable in general, but it does bear reflection. What is right for me isn’t going to be what’s right for someone else in all situations. The causes and conditions, as well as histories of each of us often make these choices very different for an individual. What’s greater still, is having to justify that choice to others.

I try to avoid calling things good or bad, as that comes from a place of judgement, and rarely am I qualified to lay down such a determination for people other than myself. I can certainly look back on my life and Cherry-pick the items I’ve decided from the future that are both good and bad. But even this type of reflection is not helpful. I’ve decided that something that IS helpful, at least for me is to look back on those situations as “I did the best I could with what I had”. I also view other people’s actions in this frame as often as possible, because it allows room for empathy, grace, and humility for myself and those around me. It makes me feel less beat up about my own choices, since life does that enough for me, without me beating myself up for bonehead decisions. I’ve made PLENTY of really dumb choices. However, I was doing what I thought was right (most of the time) in that moment, given the causes, conditions, and where I was on my journey.

Recently, I’ve been struggling with this whole concept of Right Action and also extending grace and empathy to others. Part of that is anger and another part is moral judgement. It’s really challenging to view someone as “doing the best they can” when they’re simply being assholes, because they can in a situation. I do genuinely believe that some people are mot operating from “their best”, but rather “control”, which is a hard place to land. It makes a hard pill harder to swallow. I want to believe that there is good in others and that they’re doing their best. Yet, they’re not showing their best selves and being hurtful, hateful, spiteful, and/or malicious on purpose, to inflict pain. This is not a world I want to live in. This isn’t a life I wish on anyone.

The problem is that I want to help, to the point of exhaustion. I want the world to be kind and gentle, just and equal. It simply isn’t. Part of this, I think is my own karmic lesson. Since I am a helper and a fixer, I get very much involved in things that I think I can be of service to. Then, I feel responsible and defeated when things aren’t as I feel they should be, or the outcome isn’t what my sense of justice desires. This is certainly something that I’ve been working on for many years and will likely continue to navigate. I have a distinct view of what is or is not justice, and when things fall outside those clearly defined spaces, I feel unbalanced and that the world is all wrong. For me, it is. I am a very grounded and definite person. The world doesn’t have to bend to me or my sense of morality, and frequently does the opposite. I’ve acknowledged this about myself, and hope someday to just let things go the way they will. Until then… I’m going to be trapped in this cage of righteousness and morality that I’ve constructed for myself. And that, my friends, is not only frustrating, but also the very definition of self-inflicted suffering. However, all I can do with certainty, is continue to operate from a place where I feel I’m doing the right thing, given the causes and conditions around me. It’s all any of us can do.

Until next time…

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Too much

For the last couple of weeks, watching the world unfold has been an effort in trying to keep myself upright. I have been on the verge of collapse as Russian troops invaded Ukraine.

There have been countless days where I’ve sobbed uncontrollably as my heart shattered for people I will never meet. From places I’ll never get to visit. I’ve had this experience many times in my life. But for some reason, this hits me in the core.

It’s likely, of the last several decades, I’ve said that the sadness is just too much to take it all in hundreds of times. Today, I’m feeling those words in my marrow. for the last two solid years, I’ve been thinking it regularly, but saying it rarely. Today, I break that silence and acknowledge that my heart is sawdust for the people of Ukraine, and other sufferings that are equally unspeakable. My heart has been ground to fine powder for those sufferings.

It’s difficult to go on with daily life, when life has been uprooted and pulverized. By sickness, pain, loss, isolation, abuses, murders in broad daylight, shootings, all of the tragedies we’ve collectively experienced for TWO SOLID YEARS. Everyone on this earth is in pain, whether they know it or not.

Once upon a time, writing was my safe haven, my outlet, and my muse. Today it feel heavy and pointless. As though my words are meaningless. I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said by someone else, more eloquently, to a larger crowd. What do I have to add to the dialogue? To contribute to the narrative? Very little, in my estimation. However, staying silent does not allow me to feel whole, so I write today. Not for those that are “out there” suffering. But for the one “in here”.

It’s an odd feeling writing to a page about lasting happiness. It’s so elusive. Do I feel “happier” than I did many years ago when this page began? Without a doubt. I’ve grown so much, learned more things than I could ever recall, read a myriad of books, researched the research of happiness and put practice into my quest for more tangible joy in my everyday life. However, in that same breath, I find it impossible to be “happy” while so many people are in pain. It’s so hard to go on with our “regular lives”, whatever that even means now, while others have lost everything. To not acknowledge the struggle, would 1) be doing a disservice to those who are in pain, and 2) make me an asshole. I’m unwilling to allow either of those things. Not on my watch.

I have no rosy closing to this entry. I have nothing but love in the space my heart once was, for those that need love right now. I know I’m not alone in this feeling of hopelessness, and I genuinely hope that we all make it.

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2020, in the rear view

As all of the readers of this blog know, I typically don’t allow *quite* this long go between posts. There’s often “inconsistency”, as anyone who’s read it, knows. But this long, is long. I’m sorry for my silence through the vast majority of this year. As we all recognize, 2020 has been nothing short of a train wreck. However, I’m un/fortunate to have only had a short time of unemployment. So, I’ve remained, largely, the same busy and distracted working parent you (all 3-4 of you) know and like.

Edit: 4/13/22- For reasons I can’t understand, the rest of this blog was lost? Removed? I don’t know. But it’s gone and surely something was said about keeping our heads up in uncertain times, or it’s only temporary. However, from the future in which I’ve come to, I can’t say things are so rosy. It’s a sad truth how I felt back then in 2020, and where I am now mentally in 2022, are simply miles apart. Sorry this wasn’t a better edit or update. Just keeping things transparent.

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We survived, but now what?

If 2019 was the year of forced growth, what the hell, exactly is 2020. According to a random astrology article that I cannot recall the link to, it’s time to bear down through some painful times, to create the world that’s coming next. The article referenced a lot of ‘childbearing’ imagery, which I’m sure is lost on some. Personally, I know exactly what they’re talking about, but I’ll spare the details here. The synopsis is this: we are at a pivotal time in history, in human existence, and for the earth. We are shifting from one ‘age’ to another, metaphysically, and things are getting weird. There’s going to be a whole lot of changes, especially because last year basically kicked our asses out of our ruts and into the unknown.

So, we survived the ass kicking. Now what? We, as humans, and as celestial beings have the distinct privilege of shaping the world around us every day. We put energy out, we receive energy, we take actions, lather, rinse, repeat. This year, like none other in my personal lifetime, we are faced with a lot of energy, emotions, and polarized factions all around us. Yes, there’s been turmoil, fueled by aggression, war, famine, etc. I’m not saying that we aren’t living in arguably the safest time of human history (because we are, and it’s well documented), but now, the issue is that we as a society have become apathetic, due largely to the fact that we are tired. We’re distracted by our lives, our responsibilities, and technology. We’re focused on staying above water in uncertain tides with politics, our jobs, and more.

I feel like it’s worth mentioning that 1) I’m in this same boat, and 2) it’s by no means a judgement on anyone. It’s just absolute fact that we are all tired and distracted. Plus, like never before, it’s all being captured by the media and individuals, then edited and spit back at us in record time. the 24 hour news cycle had no clue that it was going to go this far, this fast. But I digress. We made it here, now what? If I, a simple writer, had any clue, I’d never have to worry about anything ever again. However, I can say this: things are rapidly shifting, and if society doesn’t snap out of it, those loud, shit-stirrers of the world, will be the ones shaping every aspect of the planet (and beyond). Do we, as individuals, want the loudest and most annoying voices on any side of any conflict whatsoever, to be the guideposts? Or do we want those of us falling somewhere in the middle area, where 99% of the populace live, to have a hand in the world we create for our children and grandchildren? I’m leaning toward the latter. I want my kid to have clean air, a chance at an education, safe food, healthcare when she needs it, opportunities I didn’t have, valuable and exciting work, relative physical safety, and maybe even some money stashed for when she gets old.

Nobody can have these things if we are divided up, and fighting each other. Nobody but the wealthiest of the wealthy, that is, who hoard resources from the public, and tell us its for our own good. What’s good for us, ALL OF US, are systems and institutions that work for all of us. Those of us in the United States, we have the opportunity this year to decide the direction of our political establishment. Beyond that, because this is by no means a “political” post or blog, we have to decide every single day what world we are creating. Is it one of fear and lack, or is it one of harmony and abundance. I choose love, personally, and gratitude. I radiate love, gratefulness, and light into the dark places. It’s only by shining light that darkness can be changed.

Sending love and light to everyone reading this. Thank you.

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Breaking old patterns

***TRIGGER WARNING*** brief reference to trauma survival.

Humans are hardwired to learn from and maintain patterns, especially those required for survival. Since we typically don’t have many predators in our modern lives, except for other, deranged and damaged humans. Through these learned behaviors, we develop almost a muscle memory to situations that strike us as familiar, so we don’t do something potentially dangerous or harmful to ourselves. Not until we are self aware enough or emotionally mature enough, do we realize many of these patterns are not self preservation mechanisms at all, but unhealthy coping mechanisms to protect our most fragile elements, most often – the ego.

Of course some people have protection fail safes, and these folks are generally those with histories of trauma. These individuals have created real patters to protect themselves, and in no way is this meant to disparage them. Trauma survivors are fucking warriors, in my opinion. To come out of troubling situations alive is a testament to the human survival mechanism, and I commend every single survivor.

The people I’m talking about, with unhealthy coping mechanisms, are those that grew up not getting everything they want, while feeling entitled to these desires. The ones who feel like they deserve the great job, the girl or boy of their dreams, the house, the car, the whatever… but doing nothing to achieve them. The people I’m talking about are the ones who had their hearts broken and now EVERYONE is exactly like their ex. The ones who are afraid of commitment of any kind, for fear of loss or failure. The ones who “fail to launch” for those same reasons. The ones who feel like they can’t ever catch a break, so they keep doing the same things, while expecting a different result. These are the people who need to take a deep hard look at themselves, and come up with a better behavior or coping strategy.

Rewiring your brain (which is quite literally what you’re doing when breaking a pattern) is vastly easier said than done. Depending on how strong that neuropathway is, it can take a lifetime to change the hardware. However, with constant reinforcement and attention, it’s absolutely possible.

Gather around kids, it’s story time about what I mean:

I come from a family of people who hide and stuff their feelings. Sorry family who might be reading this, but we do. Then, when the timing couldn’t be worse, we explode and have a total emotional eruption that then levels everyone around, whether or not they’re actually the cause of our discomfort. This is especially problematic with romantic partnerships, because communication is choppy at best, nonexistent at its worst. We don’t talk, then our feelings get hurt, we stuff it because we don’t know how to communicate, we eventually explode, everyone is hurt and angry, we retreat to our corners, lather, rinse, repeat. It super sucks.

Personally, I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life and many of my teen years in therapy and reading self-help books to combat many of the learned behaviors I’ve picked up. The above description being just one of them. My least favorite coping mechanism I’ve been seeking to eradicate is the following: running away.

By running away, I mean, generally speaking, emotionally. However, I’ve been known to run away from jobs where I no longer feel valued, houses in which I no longer feel comfortable, and relationships in which I no longer feel loved. That last one, is especially problematic, since I was married for 10 out of the last 16 years, and in a long term relationship for an additional 3.

When I first got married, at the tender age of 22, to my first husband, when he and I would argue, he would isolate himself (much in part to unresolved anxiety and being an only child), so I would react by emotionally and sometimes physically retreating. After years of this game and feeling completely unable to communicate with him in a meaningful way, I strayed. We agreed to work on things and stay together. Because we could not effectively communicate, to genuinely believed that things were moving forward.

However, once we began working together for the same company, I quickly realized I couldn’t have been more wrong. I met his manager, and knew there was something there. I told him that she wanted to sleep with him, he seemed surprised, but a couple weeks later, he begun staying out late at happy hour, getting rides home from her (she lived 60+ minutes in the opposite direction from where we lived), and simply started behaving erratically. I told him I was leaving. He wanted me to stay, but I just couldn’t live like that anymore.

We spent months in counseling, and set a date for when I would move back home. During that time, he’d begun dating his boss, who was married with a young child, and I began dating a longtime friend. All the while, still trying to salvage this codependent mess we’d created. I stopped dating my friend quickly, as I wanted to give my marriage a real chance, and I thought my ex would have done the same. His boss continued to drive by our house, call him in the middle of the night, and more.

At the set date, I did move back home. It was tense, awkward, and emotionally decimating. After about two weeks, we were getting ready to go to bed, and had an uncomfortable interaction. I was kneeling on the bed, hands in my lap, head down… and in a voice barely above a whisper, I asked plainly “do you even want to try anymore?” His reply was what sealed it “I don’t know”. I replied, “Ok” and got up from the bed and went to my office. I called my grandmother to tell her I would be arriving at her house about 1,000 miles away in two weeks, then I called my best friend to come pick me up.

I put in my notice at work, bought a car, packed up my things and pets, and drove away two weeks later. We spent the next 6 months in a complicated divorce, and I eventually moved back to my home state.

My point in sharing this very personal and still quite uncomfortable story about my life is that, he and I fell into our same stupid patterns as a couple, which didn’t mesh well together. We didn’t work on our communication hardly at all, and we isolated from one another at the first sign of trouble or disagreement. We never worked on the root problems between us and we never had a shot after that. Looking back, I see so many things that I did wrong. I see where I could have done things better, and how we should have gone to counseling long before the beginning of the end. This is in part to the fact that I’ve spent over a decade mulling over this colossal failure and how the relationship might have been saved.

I’m also aware enough to know that it possibly couldn’t have been saved, regardless. My point is that I’ve spent almost my entire adult life trying to overcome this tragedy of my life, because I fell into old patterns. Since then, I’ve worked on things, and some stuff has gotten better, but my good old standby is to retreat when I feel slighted. It’s just my wiring.

When I feel the impulse to run away from a situation, I quite literally force myself to do the exact opposite- to connect. When my current partner and I disagree, I force myself to communicate, when I would feel much more comfortable hiding in my corner. My thoughts still race, coming up with plan A, B, and C for what I’m going to do with myself, but instead of catastrophizing for a long period of time, I do the exact opposite, I get closer to him. I don’t want this relationship to suffer the same fate as my first marriage. I’m older and wiser now, I see the similarities and differences between the partners, and also myself.

Changing our patterns is really hard and most assuredly uncomfortable. I hate the feelings it brings to the surface. I hate reliving painful experiences in the hopes that the outcome will be different. I hate feeling sad, inadequate, and uncomfortable, but these are all signs that I’m doing something different. We could easily just be mad and ignore each other until we feel better, but why? Is it worth it? I don’t think it is. Changing the patterns makes us better in the future, helps each of us grow, and makes the relationship stronger in the long run. It forces me to own my shit, and correct it going forward. One day, one interaction at a time.

Thanks for reading.

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