The last several days have been really bipolar in my personal life. Both extremes, swinging wildly to be noticed, as I’ve been wrapping up a couple courses that I’ve been working on in my time off. I’ve been meditating more and noticing there have been some really interesting synchronicities swirling about. I’m moving through some changes and experiencing personal growth, but I look around and see things that may be reminders of something or little signs that I pick up on in the world. Some give me a feeling of reaffirming, like seeing birds in the bird feeder reaffirms that animals are often so much wiser than we are. Oh, and to remember to refill it, as we now have a hungry horde of diverse bird species that come to our birdie buffet. Or seeing 12:34 on the clock everyday, which makes me think I’m on the right path for something. I couldn’t tell you what, since I feel like I’m floating in space most of the time. I also feel like so many of us are “looking for a sign”, that sometimes we just make them up, so we can feel supported or as there is a divine presence of sorts. It makes us feel less alone, I imagine. I’m sure I’m making some of these signs up. That’s my cynical nature shining through. My cautiously optimistic side wants to believe there is something to synchronicities and signs. Maybe I’m just trying to drag myself out of existential dread or perpetual boredom. Who knows?

I’ve been reading a book called Find Your F*ckyeah, by Alexis Rockley (the audio version of course, because I can only read in short bursts these days, due to many interruptions). She describes your F*ckyeah as your “art” or “passion”, not necessarily something you get paid for, but things you’d do without getting paid, or things that you can find your flow in. I love her approach to this book, not claiming to have all the answers, and just being real. I appreciate the honesty. But more than that, I appreciate her saying, sure, I don’t have the answers for you, but I have the way that you can find them yourselves. I don’t want anyone to do anything FOR me, or giving me some “quick fix” solution. I want to have the skills and knowledge to DO IT MYSELF. And maybe that hyper-self reliance is my trauma response to being perpetually disappointed. I’m self aware enough to recognize that I’ve been let down, A LOT. By myself and everyone else. I’d rather be to blame on my own, and figure it out without relying on others, who will then also let me down. Being let down by myself for not meeting an expectation is part of the human experience. Being let down by others can be triggering and cause us to lose faith in humanity or our support systems. It’s all a bad time.

But the question for me is how to find FLOW. Do I do the stuff I’m good at? There’s a handful of things I’m alright at, but most of them are soul numbing and boring as hell. Do I do the things I’m bad at? That sounds like an effort in frustration, since I don’t want to keep doing something I’m bad at to hopefully find joy and flow in it at some later time. Does that make me impatient? Yeah, probably. My brand of neurospicy can only handle so much failure in a day, and doing something I’m not good at in hopes to become better at it, sounds exhausting these days. Unless of course, it’s something I find some sort of joy in, but those things seem to be fewer and fewer. Being an adult is crap. Just continuing to do things that suck, day in and day out, until we come to the end? Why have we done this to ourselves? Alexis suggests making the mundane into a game, to make it less garbage and soul killing.

A couple of things I am pretty good at, that are not completely mind numbing, are writing (which I’m doing right now) and roller skating. There are only a couple roller rinks remaining here, and of course the weather isn’t cooperating for outdoor skating. My hope is to take the kiddo out next week, when the rain is slated to pause, so we can hit the skate park. She can ride her bike or scooter, and I can get in some skate time myself. That’s been the light guiding me out of this weather-induced funk. We’ve had only a few sunny days, and the rest have been torrential rain. Gotta love the Midwest. My goal is to improve my jam (otherwise known as rhythm) skating, since I spent a decade of my life playing roller derby. The jam aspect sort of got lost. I took a couple roller derby practice sessions last year and the game has changed so much, as has the style of play. I retired 10 years ago, so it doesn’t hold the same spark for me. It’s a game and style I don’t particularly recognize, slower paced. It’s a lot less fun to play, and I’m sure it’s not nearly as exciting to watch for spectators. There aren’t the big sweeping hits that send skaters flying into the seats. There aren’t the massive breakaways from the pack, or the harrowing disappointments when someone is sent to the penalty box. The rules themselves have even changed drastically,because this sport is always evolving, as it should. A decade ago, I was pretty good at it. It’s kind of lost the luster now. I love being on skates though, so the skate park will be exciting.

Finding a new hobby seems like the only way to find more flow in life, but what, and how? Alexis talks about how hard it is to find things that we enjoy, that are marginally difficult enough to keep our full attention long enough to find flow, primarily because we are too tired, anxious, or distracted for the trial and error of discovering it. Often we are afraid of failure to the point of “trying new things” paralysis. This keeps many of us from finding our flow, our art, our passions in life. This keeps us on the hamster wheel of productive for productivity sake, and completely out of finding our F*ckyeah. It makes us relatively good employees, and otherwise numb to the injustices in the world. We are passive and tired as hell. I blame many of the issues we are experiencing in our current world (politics, war, famines), on exactly this. How things might be different if we were all finding our flow, and excelling at things we enjoy? It’s a wild thought to entertain, for sure.

My hope for us all is that we find what lights us up, where we can find joy and flow, bringing our whole selves into the light, even if it’s only occasionally. Best wishes in discovering what that is for yourself, finding the time and resources to explore and try and fail in all the things you’ve been afraid to.