Tag: Mental Health

Passion

I’ve recently watched a couple of shows on the ‘flix the inspired this entry. As any of my longtime readers can attest, I’ve been relatively consistent in writing, until a little over a year ago. There have been numerous times since the inception of this blog, however, as life tends to have other plans for me sometimes. I have not, though, ever gone through such a long steak without writing. It’s something I’ve always done with ease and general excitement. It has always been something I’ve wanted to earn a living at. There’s just something about the written word… anyway.

These two shows (one a dessert competition, and the other a beauty industry completion) demonstrate people with incredible passion and skill at their crafts. Their drive and tenacity are unparalleled. Their motivation to learn, grow, and hone their techniques and ranges are just marvelous. And because humans are very much selfish creatures, I watch this and circle back to myself at some point.

What is my passion? What can I not live without? What gets me amped up?

Throughout my life, even the things that have given me the greatest joys, have eventually become stale. Very few things keep my attention for long, let alone become something I’m passionate about. They become too cumbersome, too distracting, too much drama, too much work. They lose their shine, and I get bogged down. There have only been a couple things to genuinely keep me coming back (not without the afore mentioned periods of drag, of course), for years. One of them has always been writing.

However, lately, I’ve realized that I’ve lost my spark for even writing. I also realized that I no longer have anything I’d consider a “hobby”. There’s truly nothing that I’m currently passionate about enough to even want to entertain.

Covid has been wearing on me, more than I’d like to admit, I’m sure. But I’ve been isolated and busy for years before. I was chronically busy with a full time job and way beyond full time school. However, I’ve never felt this level of malaise before, especially toward writing. Even writing this right now, even with inspiration striking, this feels a bit like a chore. I know I’m not the only one. I didn’t learn a skill, like baking bread or a language during lockdowns. I worked full time throughout much of the last 1.5 years, and it’s been entirely from home. Plus I’ve been a full time parent, juggling distance learning with the kids, and a full time partner to boot. So I just have been feeling heavy.

If you add in racial injustice and the protests that has been spurring for more than a year now, stemming from the cities in which I live, plus unimaginable tragedy from all corners of the globe- wars, natural and unnatural disasters, climate change, isolation, deaths, and more. It’s just too much to take in. It’s no wonder I’ve lost whatever spark I once had, no wonder I feel like a zombie sometimes. It’s all been exhausting.

With the new, worse outlook with Covid, I don’t know… it all seems rather hopeless. It’s absolutely no wonder for me, and countless others, that discovering our passions during the pandemic of the century hasn’t been too of mind. It’s been barely more than an effort in survival for many of us. The thing that I HAVE discovered is that despite losing much of the vibrancy of life, much of the colors and textures that make life passion-filled, I’m not alone and someday it’ll get better. Regardless, I’ve also deepened my relationship with myself, with my family, and the kids. It’s not “my passion”, but it’s been a unique opportunity that I wouldn’t have otherwise had.

I have discovered a deep understanding and an even deeper love for those around me. My life.

This isn’t to say I’m not fearful about Covid and additional unrest in my area, and worldwide. Because those are very real feelings, with good reason. People have proven to suck, a whole bunch. But I also believe that individuals can and are the most resilient, dedicated, and truly inspiring creatures on earth.

Stay strong, friends.

0

2020, in the rear view

As all of the readers of this blog know, I typically don’t allow *quite* this long go between posts. There’s often “inconsistency”, as anyone who’s read it, knows. But this long, is long. I’m sorry for my silence through the vast majority of this year. As we all recognize, 2020 has been nothing short of a train wreck. However, I’m un/fortunate to have only had a short time of unemployment. So, I’ve remained, largely, the same busy and distracted working parent you (all 3-4 of you) know and like.

Edit: 4/13/22- For reasons I can’t understand, the rest of this blog was lost? Removed? I don’t know. But it’s gone and surely something was said about keeping our heads up in uncertain times, or it’s only temporary. However, from the future in which I’ve come to, I can’t say things are so rosy. It’s a sad truth how I felt back then in 2020, and where I am now mentally in 2022, are simply miles apart. Sorry this wasn’t a better edit or update. Just keeping things transparent.

6

Runaway

Please enjoy the musical stylings of A Flock of Seagulls.

https://youtu.be/iIpfWORQWhU

I share this timeless ditty with those of my readers whom are of a similar ilk. Those of you in love with new wave and the likes of you whom, as adults, dream of hitting the bricks more than you ever did as a youngster.

My day dreams consist of freeing myself of this ugly world, and traveling amongst the waves. My dreams at night are focused on simply change and making the surroundings different from what they currently are. Both are indicative of not just my wanderlust, of which I have to a ridiculous degree, but also my desire to just not live on this planet anymore. If I were equipped to be an astronaut, I’d be out of this world by now.

There is currently too much sadness for me to accept. There is too much injustice for me to know how to manage. There is too much apathy for me to stomach. There is too much heartbreak to fathom. I am truly unable to take it all in and I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown.

That breakdown would not have been completely, though largely, due to most recent events. But rather, years of compounded fear, lack, frustration, hopelessness, and need. The murder of George Floyd 10 minutes from where I currently call home is just the sadness cherry on a pile of trash.

Don’t get me wrong, however. I have been nothing if not genuine when I say that I have a beautiful life. I’ve been fortunate enough to do many of the things I’ve set out to do, from the mundane to the miraculous. I love my life. I’ve grown to truly appreciate and LOVE the life I’ve been given. Hardships and all. Yet, lately, more than I have in probably two decades, find myself wanting to check out. Not suicide, just feeling overwhelmed with sadness and without hope that things around us will get better. I’m so ashamed of my country and the state I live in, and honestly, the state I’m from too. They all suck right now, and I’m bordering on hating them.

I am ashamed that America is rife with injustices that I’ll never ever comprehend. I was born a white female, so I acknowledge my privilege outright in that. I was not born to wealthy parents or family. Quite the opposite actually. But my skin color has not negatively impacted they way I walk about this earth. I’m grateful, with a tinge of guilt. I didn’t choose this life or body. And I feel as though I’ve fought on the right side of justice in all things. I have always stood up for the right things. Injustices I see everywhere. I have fought for women, people of color, marriage equality, and animals in every moment of activism. Even in unconscious moments, like while buying things, I buy fair trade and organic because the earth and it’s inhabitants all DESERVE better.

But I’m still guilty of being a privileged white female American. And I hate it. And I’m also grateful that I’m able to speak to power on behalf of others. I am and I do whenever possible.

I’m just so damn sick of fighting and seeing no results. People are still slaughtering other sentient beings every day. Human and animals alike are fodder to the larger structures and systems, and I’m exhausted and angry. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. It sucks. It sucks that I’m doing my best with what I have, and what I have is a shit sandwich. I feel like a bad mom for being angry and frustrated and hopeless. So what do I personally do when I feel like the world is crumbling (literally and figuratively)? I want to run away.

When I see there’s just no point in fighting any longer, I want to leave. I want to sell all my worldly possessions and emigrate to a deserted island somewhere warm and beautiful. I want to commune with the ocean and the sky. To feel the salty air on my skin and breeze on my face. I want to leave not out of desperation, as I did in my teens, but out of expanse and connection with something majestic. Something away from the bullshit of modern life. Something bigger.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share where you want to run away to, if you want to run at all, in the comments.

2

We survived, but now what?

If 2019 was the year of forced growth, what the hell, exactly is 2020. According to a random astrology article that I cannot recall the link to, it’s time to bear down through some painful times, to create the world that’s coming next. The article referenced a lot of ‘childbearing’ imagery, which I’m sure is lost on some. Personally, I know exactly what they’re talking about, but I’ll spare the details here. The synopsis is this: we are at a pivotal time in history, in human existence, and for the earth. We are shifting from one ‘age’ to another, metaphysically, and things are getting weird. There’s going to be a whole lot of changes, especially because last year basically kicked our asses out of our ruts and into the unknown.

So, we survived the ass kicking. Now what? We, as humans, and as celestial beings have the distinct privilege of shaping the world around us every day. We put energy out, we receive energy, we take actions, lather, rinse, repeat. This year, like none other in my personal lifetime, we are faced with a lot of energy, emotions, and polarized factions all around us. Yes, there’s been turmoil, fueled by aggression, war, famine, etc. I’m not saying that we aren’t living in arguably the safest time of human history (because we are, and it’s well documented), but now, the issue is that we as a society have become apathetic, due largely to the fact that we are tired. We’re distracted by our lives, our responsibilities, and technology. We’re focused on staying above water in uncertain tides with politics, our jobs, and more.

I feel like it’s worth mentioning that 1) I’m in this same boat, and 2) it’s by no means a judgement on anyone. It’s just absolute fact that we are all tired and distracted. Plus, like never before, it’s all being captured by the media and individuals, then edited and spit back at us in record time. the 24 hour news cycle had no clue that it was going to go this far, this fast. But I digress. We made it here, now what? If I, a simple writer, had any clue, I’d never have to worry about anything ever again. However, I can say this: things are rapidly shifting, and if society doesn’t snap out of it, those loud, shit-stirrers of the world, will be the ones shaping every aspect of the planet (and beyond). Do we, as individuals, want the loudest and most annoying voices on any side of any conflict whatsoever, to be the guideposts? Or do we want those of us falling somewhere in the middle area, where 99% of the populace live, to have a hand in the world we create for our children and grandchildren? I’m leaning toward the latter. I want my kid to have clean air, a chance at an education, safe food, healthcare when she needs it, opportunities I didn’t have, valuable and exciting work, relative physical safety, and maybe even some money stashed for when she gets old.

Nobody can have these things if we are divided up, and fighting each other. Nobody but the wealthiest of the wealthy, that is, who hoard resources from the public, and tell us its for our own good. What’s good for us, ALL OF US, are systems and institutions that work for all of us. Those of us in the United States, we have the opportunity this year to decide the direction of our political establishment. Beyond that, because this is by no means a “political” post or blog, we have to decide every single day what world we are creating. Is it one of fear and lack, or is it one of harmony and abundance. I choose love, personally, and gratitude. I radiate love, gratefulness, and light into the dark places. It’s only by shining light that darkness can be changed.

Sending love and light to everyone reading this. Thank you.

0

Wrap up this mess

As most of my readers know, I do a wrap up at the end of the year. This year, is no different in that regard. What is different this year, is that this has been one of the most challenging of the last decade. I wish it was tough for just myself, but it seems that everyone around me has experienced the year of forced growth.

While this year has been a dumpster fire personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally, and all of the other ways for the majority of us, I’m feeling more optimistic than I have been in a very long time. It’s not the saccharine bullshit fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of optimism either. I feel good, like there’s a chance for better.

Yes, a whole lot of really stupid, super awful crap has happened to me. I’ve lost everything, and managed to scrape together a beautiful life, despite it all. I know that the universe is working in all our favor, even if we can’t see it in the moment. I have faith that shit will work out, even if it’s not the way I hope/wish/expect it to. It has taken a mountain of incredible loss and soul searching for me to come to this place.

I genuinely hope that everyone reading this comes to the same realizations and that you too understand that we can all win. Life is messy and complicated and sometimes downright terrible, but there’s always hope for better, even if it just starts from within yourself.

Thanks for reading.

4

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑