Tag: Money

No more answers, only more questions

A friend asked me the other day how long it’s been since I’ve written anything. I casually tell her I write copy for social media posts and 100 million emails all the time. She gently laughed and asked when I wrote for myself.

Obviously, if you’re a reader of this blog, you know that answer. I’ve not been writing for myself, if we can even call it that, for more than a year. What happened, you say? I started a business, quit my day job, moved, and so many more things. But why haven’t I written, through all of those things? I don’t know. Anxiety and stress and depression can be shitty sometimes, I guess. Life gets hard, and it’s harder to post to a blog called A Year of Lasting Happiness, when you feel like pitching yourself off a bridge.

But it’s not without saying, that I miss it. I miss these moments of outpouring: my thoughts and feels on a page. I don’t “have time”… read: I don’t MAKE time. I don’t make the time to put words to page when I feel like a mess. And life, it’s been messy, and complicated, and simply… hard.

There’s been these moments, breadcrumbs I call them, that keep me going. That keep me fighting the good fight. It’s been too long without writing, and the longer I wait, the harder it is to do the thing, and the easier it gets to put off the feeling of longing in my chest, for the words.

The words, you say? Yes. The words. Words, words, words. Those things floating around my head like leaves on a pond. Barely touching the surface, but still connecting. Sometimes my brain swallows up the words, and other times, they’re bursting out my mouth, rapid fire, like a machine gun. I speak so fast sometimes I have to repeat myself, because the listener didn’t even catch them all.

Catching. Them. All.

I have more questions now, than answers. Like, what have I done, and for crying out loud, WHY. But the answers escape me like a child chasing a feather. I reach- wind catches it- floats away gracefully on a breeze.

It’s funny, this life. And by funny, I mean, I don’t know. This seems like the perfect place to say something coy, like, “life is what happens when you’re waiting for life to happen” or some such thing. But, all I can say with certainty is that life is funny. So hard, but equally funny.

I heard on a recent podcast that drinking to take the edge off, takes off the edges at both ends. It took me a few days of kicking that around my head, but it resonated for some reason. I don’t think me having a beer or whatever, after a long or particularly difficult day is “taking my edges off”, but rather, the burdens of daily life have worn my edges smooth, like a rock in a mighty river. This is what happens as we age. All our edges, worn smooth by the hands of time, and gently molding us into everyone else. Slowly eroding our jagged parts, the parts that have seen some shit. The parts that are unique. Revealing nothing but supple roundness, eventually, slowly, wearing us away into oblivion. In a way, that’s a tragic end for the rock. But it happens so slowly, that nobody really even notices, the rock just gradually shrinks into nothingness.

I don’t want to shrink into nothingness. I want to be jagged sometimes, to be sharp. Fierce. But who has the energy? Who isn’t a sack of exhaustion anymore? With jobs, partners, children, parents, houses, cars, any manner of obligations. Who has the time to be SHARP? Who has the energy to be JAGGED?

There’s a Japanese saying “The nail that sticks up, gets hammered down”. It’s basically a lesson in homogenous conformity, which is why their society is so uniform, in a way. But this is also from the culture where it’s totally acceptable to sleep under your desk at work overnight, to work 90 hours a week, and sadly, to work oneself literally to death. Are these people the rocks getting worn down?

There are other homogenous societies that value LESS working, but are somehow “just” as productive. The entirety of Scandinavia is the hallmark of how awesome it can be to live in a relatively wealthy country, with socialized medicine, that also values chilling. They get something like a month or more PAID vacation. I’ve not been on vacation in years. Even before I quit my job, I still didn’t get much, if any, paid time off. It’s crazy.

I still have more questions, than answers. I don’t feel any closer to finding what’s real, besides the fact I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow, and the next day. And also my capacity to love a small human more than anything else on this planet.

My wish for 2019 is that I can set the groundwork for more balance. I need to stop juggling everydamnthing, while carrying the weight of the world on my back. That started today. We’ve made tough choices, but it will give me something closer to a life, in this life.

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Life goals

There are numerous scientific studies about stress, happiness, and the role that self-imposed stress plays on our psyche. In general, it’s said that if we are under extreme stress by our own doing, it’s somehow easier to manage, or at least we are more willing to manage it, than if we are not the designers of our own fates. For instance, I’m far more likely to put in 14 hour days for the same salary, since I’m furthering my own means and interests. However, at my former job, 8 hours seemed like eternity and getting me to stay even a minute longer was simply non-negotiable.

Meanwhile in research land, they’ve discovered that not all stress is bad, and it can often lead to tremendous growth and discovery about oneself. It’s the focus and dedication to a thing that strengthens the mental state and physical body. Without the added pressure, we’d never grow stronger, as weightlifting has shown us with muscle definition. But I believe there’s a defined line between too little stress and too much. Once we cross that line, it becomes a detriment to our health and mental capacity. We have a harder time focusing, remembering things, and doing multiple tasks.

So how do stress (but not too much) and pressure relate to happiness? Obviously when the periods of stress are over, there’s a sense of relief, but more than that it’s about self mastery. It may be unconscious, but you feel good having overcome obstacles, completing a challenging task, or learning what you’re really made of. More to the point, focus and dedication also spur happiness, especially if you’re doing something you love, or that brings future possibilities.

Our bodies and minds are meant to stay sharp and fit. By throwing ourselves through the wringer a little bit, we are better adapted to life’s challenges as well.

But in the flip side of this, the modern world has created an environment packed with stressors and it’s actually proving to be harmful. Our primitive brains simply cannot keep up with high speed internet and 24 hour news cycles. So instead of causing us to flex our physical and proverbial muscles, it’s wearing us down. We are showing the greatest amounts of depression, anxiety, and loneliness that we’ve ever known in human (testing) history. We are showing greater incidences of sicknesses and diseases, despite having the most advanced medical technology ever seen on this planet.

As with weightlifting, after a period of tearing the muscles, to heal, we must also have a period of rest. If we do not let the muscles heal, we will not build muscle, but rather, we destroy the gains we could have made, and break down those fibers completely. And this is basically my point today. We have to find ways of resting and self-care in this uncertain world of stress we live in. As an American, I’m well aware that a ‘vacation’ in the traditional sense isn’t in the cards very often (unlike most of Europe with generous holiday leave), but even so, it’s entirely possible to rest and recharge in ways that are helpful to us.

For example, I attended a meditation class on my birthday with a friend. I could have gone out and whatever, but I chose to look inward, to provide myself with something that has proven to be the most helpful thing I’ve done in ages for myself, and essentially by myself (in a room full of people). Obviously, this isn’t everyone’s jam, but I encourage you to find what works for you.

It’ll recharge your mind, body, spirit, and allow you to focus better in everyday life, whatever it is that you choose. And maybe you have to try a few things on for size, because too often we have no idea what self-care looks like, or we’ve not been ‘ourselves’ in so long, we’ve forgotten who we are and what we’re about. I can attest that it’s a serious challenge for me too, taking care of myself once in a while, but it’s worth it. You are worth it.

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Cycles

5 years ago today, I wrote a blog on honesty. It can be found here.

Today, I wrote something personal, and now, I’m writing something public.

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The oddity of cycles is something I’ve always been fascinated by. I find it fascinating that I have similar life experiences during the same times of year, often times, for many years. Similar things happen to people during similar times. It’s pretty weird.

Looking back to where I was last year, the year before, 4-6 years ago, I have the same heavy heart. So many things are happening to where life is squarely “in flux”, but the timing could be crappier. I’ve got a lot of important dates in the summer and all I want to do is nothing, or at least swim my life away. I want to spend time with those I love, and not be worried about stupid adult obligations. My heart is full of love, but heavy from the weight of life. It’s enough to consume a person. But at the same time, I feel hollow and empty.

So the questions are this: 1) What does this all have to do with happiness, since this is a happiness blog, after all? And 2) What does honesty have to do with anything?

To answer #1, it’s really quite simple. Happiness is not just the act of thinking positively, or acting happy all the time. It’s striking the balance between what we want, what we are, and where we are in life.  Which leads to #2: Being honest with yourself is the first step toward being honest with the world. Living as your authentic self and representing yourself honestly and kindly to the world are just as important as only allowing the truth escaping your lips. It’s a tight rope to walk and if you’re not careful, you will end up on the pavement. It’s difficult to keep going when the rope wobbles, but once you’re out on the rope, you are at risk, and you can go forward or backwards, but it’s extremely difficult to stand still. Standing still is certain death, and it’s not respecting the rope (life) or the walk. Only when we live honestly and authentically in all things, while walking gently through this life can we really appreciate that the wobbles remind us that we’re alive.

What would we learn if things were easy? If we just walked through each day without resistance? First, it would be boring as shit, and second, we would never learn a thing about ourselves or about the world. We’d never have the opportunity to find our inner selves, our inner strength, the strength to keep moving forward… so many things would be lost without turbulence.

During times of stress and chaos, I find myself trying to reflect on these ideals. It brings life back into perspective and reminds me that I’m still learning and that I’m still alive. I don’t “feel” alive some days, but it’s only when I’m just going through the motions. Don’t just go through the motions.

Thanks for reading!

 

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Good things happen to bad people…

I often find myself wondering exactly how it is that bad things happen to some of the most wonderful people and how great things can happen to some of the Earth’s most abhorrent.

I have this overwhelming sense that the world should be “fair” but simply isn’t and shit happens to people who are largely undeserving. Recently I read an article that tackled this exact thing. So, part of the hangup about bad things happening to good people is that we see the world as “just” or have a deep sense of “justice”, and good things for bad people is contrary to that ideal. However, this article posits that YES, the world is in fact “fair”. Simply put, the Law of Attraction- we create our own reality.

In essence, even if horrible people BELIEVE they are deserving of good things, they’ll get them. And on the flip side, if amazing people BELIEVE they’re not worthy of all that the universe has to offer, they’ll simply attract the negative things they worry about. Like attracts Like.

Now, the rationalist in me says that’s total bullshit, because again, justice. I mean, I cannot fathom that when horrible things happen: poverty, assault, kidnapping, murder, etc. these people are “asking for it” in the form of attracting it with their “vibrations”. That simply cannot reconcile in my head. At the same time, I’ve seen people quite literally manifest miracles out of thin air. The dream job, a sudden windfall, and more, have fallen into the laps of people, myself included.

So that really begs the question: Why cannot good things happen to only the “good” people? This is assuming that the construct of good and bad are based on sort of the collective conscious that things like rape, murder, theft, lying, etc are bad and charity, selflessness, joy, service, honesty, trust, etc are good things. Are they just not positive enough about themselves?

The article goes on to point out horrible employees as an example. How is it that shitty people who do nothing but brag, step on others, are disrespectful, and more manage to be continually promoted and held in high regard within organizations? It’s because they are CONVINCED that they’re great, so much so that they never shut up about their achievements, and they truly BELIEVE they deserve it, despite their clear character flaws. Whereas the “good” people, tend to be humble, with a deep sense of humility and candor. Rather than bragging and stepping on others, they will generally SHARE the accolades with their teams, or humbly and quietly stay out of the limelight.

So, my natural train of thought is how can one be humble and true to oneself, while also attracting good things? In other words, how can I gain and still not be a dick? Personally, I’ve found this a tough balance to walk. I am not one to brag about my achievements, but at the same time, I know that I am deserving of good things. I’m convinced that I still need to work on shifting my mindset to really solidify my stance that A) I am deserving of all the good things the universe has to offer and B) That I can still be humble while knowing this fact.

Thanks for reading!

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Fight or flight

It has become increasingly difficult to focus on my day job. Not only am I bored by the tasks and lack of opportunity for growth, but I also have so many other things in the works. I am working on becoming my own boss and business owner and trying to maintain some shred of hope, given the political climate in this country.

I’ve never felt such a direct and opposite “pulling” force between my fight and flight sides. Part of me wants to try and keep some semblance of the life I lead, to not lose hope, to fight the good fight and create the life I am meant for. But on the other hand, there is something strongly pulling me away from all that, telling me that my family is more important and getting them the hell out of this dumpster before it blows sky high. I just want to run away somewhere safe and hope there’s a life to come back to in four years.

Between social media and the mainstream media, I’m overwhelmed and saddened. The alternative media is equally disheartening. We are living in a very sad time for human rights and social responsibility. It can be paralyzing, and right now, I feel paralyzed with glimmers of motivation and action. It simply weighs heavy on my heart that the world is not shaping up to be a place where people are free to love and marry whomever they choose, that health is only for the wealthy, and that life is largely not affordable for those that work for a living. It is saddening. And those of us that were working toward those things, hoping beyond hope for those things, are devastated. The feeling is real.

Finding happiness in the destruction of everything we hold dear as a nation borders on impossible. The only thing keeping my head above water is my physical and moral obligation to not fuck up for my kid. She knows nothing of the world, of politics. She is content being a toddler and little else. She loves her parents, her pets, eating snacks, and good music. If only everything were that simple. But her smile makes my day worth the struggle. What else is there? My husband, gardening, pets that we care for… they’re the crux of my life. They are the catalyst to happiness, since happiness comes from within. My family makes me want to be a better person, to keep waking up every day, and to be happy when it’s appropriate.

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