Tag: Philosophy

40 days of gratitude

The theme of this blog has been evolving ever since I began typing that first blog several years ago. I was searching for meaningful ways to bring more happiness into my daily life. I was in the midst of college and in a dark place in my personal relationships. I was not living authentically or really living at all. I was just grinding it out, day in and day out; existing simply to finish my then goal of graduating college. I was on the back end of personal tragedy and heartbreak, in the middle of a difficult and potentially dangerous situation, and getting ready to step off a cliff into the unknown. There were so many forces at work and I had to focus on the positive. I’m nowhere near where I was, but I’m not yet to where I want to be. I am evolving, and so is this blog.

So I recently asked myself the following:

What is it with 40 days/ 6 weeks? Lent is 40 days; maternity leave is about 6 weeks after the baby is born for those that get it. Why are these numbers or timeframes so engrained in our past and present lives? I don’t have these answers, but I’ve been inspired.

I was reading a book that I was meaning to read for a long time. It was on my Amazon wishlist for a few years, and I finally received it for my birthday, I think. I didn’t read it right away for some reason, but I’m glad that I did. Reading books has gotten harder since having a little one at home. She takes up 99% of my spare waking time that I’m not at work. The other 1% is cleaning. Anyway, the premise of the book Life is a Verb, is that 37 days (which is very close to 40) can transform your life. There are a series of stories and activities to do at the end of each one for 37 days. Each of these activities are designed by the author (whom I seem to feel is a kindred spirit from her stories and experiences) to help you live the life you want. Living the life I want, spending more time with my family, working smarter-not-harder, and being in the employ of myself are my main goals, but living a more grateful and joyful life have been my “small” goals for many years.

Those of you who’ve been following this blog for any length of time know that I’ve been studying and seeking greater happiness for a long time. I’ve had moments of elation that I cannot compare to anything else in this life, but I’ve also experienced some of the most devastating despair and loss that I’ve ever had in my 35 years on this earth. Of course, I’ve felt everything in between and surely will over and over again as I grow older. I hope that the feelings of happiness will be greater than those of unhappiness, of course, as we all do. So by focusing on what I want, instead of what I don’t want, I plan to cultivate just that.

So in the spirit of change, transformation, and happiness, I’m going to focus on gratitude. There have been countless studies and interviews indicating that the more a person is grateful, the happier they are throughout the course of their lives, and also exhibit more satisfaction with their lives in general. I’d like to practice more gratitude, because while I’m extremely grateful for all of the things in my life, I feel like if I can bring intention and magnify the things in which I am grateful, more of these things will grace my daily life.

I have decided that I want to challenge myself to not only be grateful, especially amidst stress and fatigue, but I also want to challenge my personal dedication to writing. I love writing but find that I make excuses not to do it, mostly evolving from not having enough time. Because of this, I want to focus on just a few minutes of writing each day to express my gratitude. Gradually, or at least periodically, I’m sure my entries will be long, but I’m guessing that most of them will be short. Probably very short. But the goal is to do it. Starting tomorrow, I’ve set an alarm to ensure that I simply don’t forget to write. It is my intention to bring attention to this particular goal for just a few minutes every day.

So stay tuned! And wish me luck. I’ll likely need it.

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Internal Monologue

I’m not sure about anyone else, but I can say that my internal monologue is a tough critic. I’d even say that I’m my own worst enemy and my internal dialogue to myself is proof of that. I noticed the other day though, during a pretty significant moment of loss and despair, that it can also be my biggest cheerleader and greatest advocate for my abilities.

It’s strange that I have this back and forth inside myself: one moment I’m berating and lambasting myself and in the next, I’m rooting myself on. It’s like mental whiplash sometimes. But I will say that I’m glad to have someone in my corner when the chips are down and I need someone the most, but I also know that same voice in my head will be the first one to kick me when I’m climbing up the ladder.

Lately, I have to say it’s been a real challenge to be “happy”. Things have been incredibly difficult. Pets needing expensive and immediate care, more unsettling career changes, and just the general sense of self doubt and disconnectedness from the universe. I sort of feel like I’m the universe’s whipping boy at the moment. As my grandmother always said, “When it rains, it pours”. Truer words have never been spoken to my knowledge. It is just one thing after another and the stress and tension have been mounting,

The few joys I have in life, hobbies and things I find enjoyable are slowly fading away with nothing to replace them. I’m feeling very lost in the world right now, not knowing which way is up or where the hell I’m even going. I feel like I’m just spinning in circles.

It’s hard to write a blog about happiness when it’s something so elusive. I know it’s not possible to be happy all the time, because we’re humans and life happens sometimes. But at the same time, I feel like I’m doing my few readers that check out this page (hi guys!) a disservice by not “walking the walk” at this moment. But sadly, I am but a human too.

I know for the most part this blog has been about my search for simple joys and writing about my happiness quest. I think, however, I’ve shied away from writing when “life happens” and things get real for me. I’m not one to complain about my problems and I try not to vent to those close to me… but I’ve been thinking that this page is less than authentic if I don’t also include the struggles. So, here’s my first real attempt at writing here when I’m not happy.

When I say that I’m not happy, as those that have been following remember, there are more than one type of happiness. There’s immediate gratification happy and long term happy. I am not happy on the surface at this time in life. It’s rife with struggles and conflict from just about every angle. However, I’m cultivating long term happiness in ways like being in school working on my degree so that I feel accomplished in a career that I know I’ll find fulfilling. So when I say I’m not happy, I mean that things on a daily basis are incredibly stressful and I need them to start changing.

And as you that have read previous blogs remember, I need to start that change within myself. This brings me back to my internal dialogue. Changing how I talk to myself in the confines of my own head is probably one of the most difficult things ever, but also one of the most important. It goes back to “Right Thought”. I need to start with myself and think right and speak right to my own consciousness.

Wish me luck!

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Right action Update! Sorta…

Even if you do nothing, you’re making a choice… even if you’re not acting, you’re causing reactions.

This has been a difficult concept for me to understand over the years, but more recently, I’ve come to truly understand the concept and have successfully applied it to my life. Too often we are not living the life we want, even if it’s something so simple as not spending enough time doing whatever it is we enjoy. But more often than not, we’re seemingly trapped into this rut of an existence that is doing nothing but fostering our ulcers and making us nuts. In my case, it’s prepping me for my future heart attack.

http://projectbebold.com/archives/1597

The goals for this seasonal transition from Summer to Fall are pretty direct and apply to my ability to live an authentic life, on my terms. It started with the major upheaval, but now all these smaller things are dwindling. The first and most important aspect of “right action” is really my ability to ASK for what I want with great honesty and compassion. I have to ask myself what I truly want. I have to ask others if they want to go along with what I want, since they’re in charge of themselves, of course. I don’t get to make decisions that affect others without at least asking…

Anyway, my ability to be self aware is imperative. Almost more importantly though,  is for me to be honest with others. I think self-honesty is much easier than asking those around me for anything… let alone showing them that I am vulnerable. Showing your belly is tough when you keep getting punched in it. But I keep harping on other people to be brutally honest, to be vulnerable… and here I am struggling with it. It’s so much easier to tell others what to do… yet very hard to take your own advice.

Surprisingly, I’ve also been struggling with this whole concept of “having fun”. I mean, it’s not HARD exactly, but giving myself permission to not constantly be working or focusing on something is. However, I’ve been fortunate enough to have great people in my life that remind me that all work and no play makes me a dull girl. Nobody likes that. By the same token, I am having the hardest time focusing on school. I am just so over it… meanwhile I’m talking about grad school; more on that another time.

http://twbowes.blogspot.com/2011/02/right-attitude-and-right-action.html

In typical “me” form, I’m not struggling really at all in the generosity part of things, except in one instance. But that isn’t because I don’t want to be generous; I have demonstrated my extreme ability to give in this case… It just conflicts directly with my present and future goals to continue to be generous here. I think by continuing to give, I’m not only doing myself a disservice by not living my life the way I want to, but I’m also doing the parties involved a disservice too. This is where that honesty thing and generosity must strike some sort of balance. Sadly, it’s easier said than done.

Considering all this and more that is happening in my life at the current moment, I feel happier than I have in a very long time. I know that I am slowly building my ideal life and with that comes ideal happiness. This is not to say that things are or will ever be “perfect”, because I can assure you, they’re not and they never will be. I have and will continue to struggle, grow and change. There will always be adversity and things that I must overcome throughout my life. But I feel as if I’m better able to cope with adversity and face these challenges without as much fear and with more knowhow about what I can handle. I have come to understand that people are able to overcome MUCH more than they give themselves credit for. I have seen it in myself and in others. Humans are incredibly resilient creatures and each of us has amazing power to persevere.

Now, if I could just make a decision out of a wet paper bag, everything would work itself out. Until then… there’s more to learn.

Until next time kids!

http://beginningdharma.wordpress.com/2011/01/29/eightfold-path-right-action/
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The other F-word.

I know, I know… I’ve been slacking on writing the last couple weeks. I’m sorry… I will not bore you all with my excuses, but I will say that I promise to get back into a more regular schedule. I’ve just been distracted.

Anyway, so the other F-word… it’s got 4 letters and it’s probably more damaging than the one we all naturally think of… it’s fear. FEAR is the “other F-word” and truthfully, considering the damage that it does to people’s lives, mine included, it should be the first F-word, not the “other”.

http://gigaom.com/collaboration/8-reasons-not-to-fear-social-media/stock-fear/

In recent weeks I’ve been grappling with a lot of fear. There is a great deal of uncertainty surrounding several aspects of my life and a couple “surprises” have come up to complicate matters even more. I have several opportunities glaring me in the face, career moves, educational opportunities, potential relationships and yet… I feel literally paralyzed when I think of having to make a choice. That’s fear. I’m afraid of making the wrong move. Since I’ve made so many stupid ones over the years, I just can’t make a move. By not making a choice, I’m still making a choice. In my head, I know that this is fear and that it’s keeping me in a submission hold to a life that doesn’t exist or feelings/thoughts that are totally nuts. But fear is one of the most powerful feelings that we feel as humans, or any animal really. It’s a universal feeling, this thing we call fear, amongst all animals. We are just aware of it outside the realm of basic survival.

There are times where it’s appropriate to hide out in our bunkers, but if we never see the light of day we can never experience all that life has to offer. My problem with this is that life has been kicking me in the teeth over the last several years and I’m just not sure I can stand up anymore. However, when I see those close to me being afraid of things that seem so obvious to me, or over nothing at all… I just want to shake them until they snap out of it. But it dawned on me recently… I’m that guy to most of the people who know my inner workings. I’m 100% certain they want to kick my ass and rightly so. There are much more difficult decisions and definitely more important things for me to be worrying about than some of the topics I cannot seem to let go of. Yet, all the while, I struggle. It’s incredibly frustrating…

http://think9ja.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/im-not-afraid/

I’m currently reading a book on self-compassion and it’s appropriate for my current mind state. Learning to be kind to yourself without judgment, using comforting thoughts and words toward not only others in times of struggle, but also for yourself. It’s fairly counter intuitive to Westerners, simply because we value heard work and diligence so greatly… but you can have those things and also be compassionate to yourself, apparently. I’m still in the very preliminary learning stages of how to accomplish such things… but I’m doing my best. That, to me, is what matters.

In the meantime, I’m also doing things that I find enjoyable and spending time with people that I value in my life. I am doing everything I can do to forgo a few hours of sleep to do fun things. I recently went to a concert and I’ve had several dinners and drinks with some of my favorite people. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get focused about school and getting back into the rhythm of the semester. That, sadly, is easier said than done.

There are more good things on the horizon. I can feel it. :)

http://www.mailandfemail.com/?p=1349
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Intentions

Live the way I want to live, walk the walk, harmoniously
Temper, temper: whenever I get angry, meditate instead
Let it go, it’s not personal, and even if it is, it’s temporary: karma isn’t always yours
Live in the now, but think of the future: find sources of joy and memories

So here we are, July is almost coming to a close, and man, it’s been a toasty one throughout most of the country. We’ve had some very strange weather here… so much rain. That’s the cycle of things though, some years it’s dry, drought ridden and combustible. Other years, it’s unseasonably abundant with growth, change and during these storms, there’s often considerable destruction, but when the clouds clear, the flowers bloom.

c/o Daddy Skittles Photography

Life is that way, I think. Last year was tremendously hard for me. There were very few things that I had to be happy about, but this year, while also tremendously hard, there are finally flowers along the way. I am doing exactly what I set out to do for the first time in ages. I am growing as a person, learning new things, sharing experiences with really amazing people… what more can I ask for?

I have not only set out goals for myself that I’m keeping, but my intentions are right and there are visible and invisible payoffs. I feel amazing. I’ve had only a few, relatively speaking, encounters with my temper. This isn’t to say that I’ve not been furious over the past few weeks, because I’ve been quite mad in certain situations. However, I allow myself to be mad for a minute and collect myself so I can move on to more constructive things. Not only is this allowing me to overcome being really upset, but it’s also allowing me to let go of things more readily. I have other things to worry about and more still to enjoy. Being pissed isn’t conducive to my goals.

The last goal on the list, for some reason is often difficult for my planning, type A, over-thinking self to accomplish. I’m used to delaying fun in the hopes that there will be a larger payoff in the end. But that thinking is just silly to me now. I don’t want to wait until “the end” of whatever, to enjoy my life. I want to experience every single minute of it in ways that bring me and other people joy. Just this weekend I spent time with my closest friends, swam with my rapidly growing nephew and family for hours, and read several books about happiness and philosophy, amongst other things. Hell, I even took a nap for the first time in easily a year.

c/o Daddy Skittles Photography

None of my goals or ways of achieving them are terribly “hard”, nor are they riddled with extravagance. They are simple and small goals because that is how I see attaining true and lasting happiness, through a series of small goals, victories and experiences. Hopefully they will all lead to a larger end, but in the meantime, I am having a blast, and a cup of very strong coffee… joyful living, doing what I want and enjoying myself has taken away some of my sleep, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m never going back to where I was before. Not in this lifetime.

Happy Monday!

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