Tag: politics

Independence

This week, we in the United States, experienced Independence Day. It’s supposed to be a celebration of our separation from the British monarchy. Without getting too political here, I’m not so sure we are actually all that separated from any sort of Authoritarian rule, and we may see a return to something resembling a monarchy someday. Things are getting weird here.

Anyway, that’s not what this is post is about. Instead, the concept of independence at all, is the topic of this entry. There are no independent factors in an ecosystem. The sun allows plants to photosynthesize, the water to carry nutrients, the insects feed on, spread the seeds and/or pollen for plant propagation, other animals feed on those insects, other animals feed on those animals and so on. No one that survives does it completely alone. We, even as humans, are critically DEPENDENT on other beings. The beings who produce the organisms we eat, the insects, the decomposers who deal with the decaying matter, and everything in between. We are dependent on on another too. As babies, we are under developed and fragile. We need safe and appropriate caretakers (the jury is often out on that one) not only to carry us around and feed us, but to teach us things as well. Culture, mores, norms, methods of communication, how and where to find food, what food even IS… these are all things we learn very young from the people in charge of us. That’s wildly dependent for a bunch of years, unheard of in the remainder of the animal kingdom. Other primates don’t care directly for their young for nearly as long, nor do any other mammals on the planet. We are quite unique in that way, just how intensely dependent we are and for as long.

http://images.nationalgeographic.com/wpf/media-live/photos/000/015/cache/swirling-aurora-nicklen_1528_990x742.jpg

As a Buddhist, I understand INTERdependence. So not only are we dependent, but we are all mutually dependent on one another. It’s a two-way street, you see. I am dependent on others, who are also and generally equally, dependent on me. That’s not to say we are responsible for the care and upkeep of every living thing we come across, because that’s not sustainable. It does mean that we are all in this together and nobody is above needing others to help them out. We need the air, water, plants, insects, etc. We also need the fellow inhabitants on this rock to not destroy the resources we all have to share. This last bit some people struggle with, I think. These resources that are available for us all, we have to share them. Instead, we’ve commodified basic life sustaining elements, like clean air and water. It’s really a shame. Sure, it’s not likely that we’d have moved from hunter-gatherers to what we have now, without commodifying basic needs. But now we have shit like credit scores and taxes, paying for water, when we probably could have gone a different way.

Since our planet is careening toward the 6th mass extinction, what can we do? I mean, obviously our species, and many we share the Earth with, are not going to make it without some drastic changes. Our stubborn humans generally don’t want to admit there is a problem, or can’t decide who has to be responsible for it. As individuals, we have choices, however. We vote for the world we want to live in, with every dollar we spend. We can choose to use those bucks wisely, and make better, more sustainable choices. The disposable nature of the society we’ve created, requires us to forget our connectedness.

Finding people who are on a similar path, helps to build community and additional resources for us. We can choose to recognize that we are here for the same reasons, and we are all deserving of respect, even if we don’t agree ideologically. We all want to feel successful in our lives, find meaning in our families or chosen families, and want to pursue happiness in whatever forms make sense. But I encourage us to also internalize the idea that none of us are islands unto ourselves and we need one another to make it. Not just as a species, but as members of the species. We don’t want our lives cut short, typically. This means we have to work together, especially in the ever-changing world. We have to find our people and work together. Create the villages we all know we need. Things don’t seem to be getting easier in many ways, even with all the technology we can and will develop. Nothing can take the place of connection and interconnectedness.

Thank you for reading.

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Rainy Day Musings

The last several days have been really bipolar in my personal life. Both extremes, swinging wildly to be noticed, as I’ve been wrapping up a couple courses that I’ve been working on in my time off. I’ve been meditating more and noticing there have been some really interesting synchronicities swirling about. I’m moving through some changes and experiencing personal growth, but I look around and see things that may be reminders of something or little signs that I pick up on in the world. Some give me a feeling of reaffirming, like seeing birds in the bird feeder reaffirms that animals are often so much wiser than we are. Oh, and to remember to refill it, as we now have a hungry horde of diverse bird species that come to our birdie buffet. Or seeing 12:34 on the clock everyday, which makes me think I’m on the right path for something. I couldn’t tell you what, since I feel like I’m floating in space most of the time. I also feel like so many of us are “looking for a sign”, that sometimes we just make them up, so we can feel supported or as there is a divine presence of sorts. It makes us feel less alone, I imagine. I’m sure I’m making some of these signs up. That’s my cynical nature shining through. My cautiously optimistic side wants to believe there is something to synchronicities and signs. Maybe I’m just trying to drag myself out of existential dread or perpetual boredom. Who knows?

I’ve been reading a book called Find Your F*ckyeah, by Alexis Rockley (the audio version of course, because I can only read in short bursts these days, due to many interruptions). She describes your F*ckyeah as your “art” or “passion”, not necessarily something you get paid for, but things you’d do without getting paid, or things that you can find your flow in. I love her approach to this book, not claiming to have all the answers, and just being real. I appreciate the honesty. But more than that, I appreciate her saying, sure, I don’t have the answers for you, but I have the way that you can find them yourselves. I don’t want anyone to do anything FOR me, or giving me some “quick fix” solution. I want to have the skills and knowledge to DO IT MYSELF. And maybe that hyper-self reliance is my trauma response to being perpetually disappointed. I’m self aware enough to recognize that I’ve been let down, A LOT. By myself and everyone else. I’d rather be to blame on my own, and figure it out without relying on others, who will then also let me down. Being let down by myself for not meeting an expectation is part of the human experience. Being let down by others can be triggering and cause us to lose faith in humanity or our support systems. It’s all a bad time.

But the question for me is how to find FLOW. Do I do the stuff I’m good at? There’s a handful of things I’m alright at, but most of them are soul numbing and boring as hell. Do I do the things I’m bad at? That sounds like an effort in frustration, since I don’t want to keep doing something I’m bad at to hopefully find joy and flow in it at some later time. Does that make me impatient? Yeah, probably. My brand of neurospicy can only handle so much failure in a day, and doing something I’m not good at in hopes to become better at it, sounds exhausting these days. Unless of course, it’s something I find some sort of joy in, but those things seem to be fewer and fewer. Being an adult is crap. Just continuing to do things that suck, day in and day out, until we come to the end? Why have we done this to ourselves? Alexis suggests making the mundane into a game, to make it less garbage and soul killing.

A couple of things I am pretty good at, that are not completely mind numbing, are writing (which I’m doing right now) and roller skating. There are only a couple roller rinks remaining here, and of course the weather isn’t cooperating for outdoor skating. My hope is to take the kiddo out next week, when the rain is slated to pause, so we can hit the skate park. She can ride her bike or scooter, and I can get in some skate time myself. That’s been the light guiding me out of this weather-induced funk. We’ve had only a few sunny days, and the rest have been torrential rain. Gotta love the Midwest. My goal is to improve my jam (otherwise known as rhythm) skating, since I spent a decade of my life playing roller derby. The jam aspect sort of got lost. I took a couple roller derby practice sessions last year and the game has changed so much, as has the style of play. I retired 10 years ago, so it doesn’t hold the same spark for me. It’s a game and style I don’t particularly recognize, slower paced. It’s a lot less fun to play, and I’m sure it’s not nearly as exciting to watch for spectators. There aren’t the big sweeping hits that send skaters flying into the seats. There aren’t the massive breakaways from the pack, or the harrowing disappointments when someone is sent to the penalty box. The rules themselves have even changed drastically,because this sport is always evolving, as it should. A decade ago, I was pretty good at it. It’s kind of lost the luster now. I love being on skates though, so the skate park will be exciting.

http://egyptsaidso.com/weekly-motivation/if-destiny-is-by-choice-not-chance-then-what-are-you-choosing/

Finding a new hobby seems like the only way to find more flow in life, but what, and how? Alexis talks about how hard it is to find things that we enjoy, that are marginally difficult enough to keep our full attention long enough to find flow, primarily because we are too tired, anxious, or distracted for the trial and error of discovering it. Often we are afraid of failure to the point of “trying new things” paralysis. This keeps many of us from finding our flow, our art, our passions in life. This keeps us on the hamster wheel of productive for productivity sake, and completely out of finding our F*ckyeah. It makes us relatively good employees, and otherwise numb to the injustices in the world. We are passive and tired as hell. I blame many of the issues we are experiencing in our current world (politics, war, famines), on exactly this. How things might be different if we were all finding our flow, and excelling at things we enjoy? It’s a wild thought to entertain, for sure.

My hope for us all is that we find what lights us up, where we can find joy and flow, bringing our whole selves into the light, even if it’s only occasionally. Best wishes in discovering what that is for yourself, finding the time and resources to explore and try and fail in all the things you’ve been afraid to.

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Right Actions- A Thought

As a Buddhist, we generally strive to follow the eight-fold noble path. Right Action is one of those folds. However, the word “right” in all of the eight folds is quite subjective and often difficult to really qualify.

For instance, fighting in a situation may very well be the right thing for a person to do in the moment, for fear of real danger. However, it may not be “legal”, which inherently isn’t “right” in the eyes of our judicial system. Besides the judgements, is that action still morally right? I’ve recognized that frequently, “moral” and “legal” are not aligned.

In the words of the great Stan Lee- every villain is the hero of their own story.

Fear and morality are parts of Right Action, in that, our morals and our fear reflexes very much shape our worlds as individuals, and our experiences in the world at large. It’s suffice to say, that absent these guides, people would also behave very differently, I believe.

For example: if we were not afraid of consequences, I feel there’d be many more instances of people making unhelpful or unwholesome choices in their lives. If many of us did not have clearly defined morals (whether spiritually based or not), we’d have a much more aggressive and violent world. That’s not to say “moral” people don’t do counterproductive and/or harmful things. Because they often do, largely from some semblance of moral superiority or self righteousness. I just think that we’d all be worse off, without morals and fear guiding the general populace.

I know that the question: who’s to say what’s “right”, is obviously unanswerable in general, but it does bear reflection. What is right for me isn’t going to be what’s right for someone else in all situations. The causes and conditions, as well as histories of each of us often make these choices very different for an individual. What’s greater still, is having to justify that choice to others.

I try to avoid calling things good or bad, as that comes from a place of judgement, and rarely am I qualified to lay down such a determination for people other than myself. I can certainly look back on my life and Cherry-pick the items I’ve decided from the future that are both good and bad. But even this type of reflection is not helpful. I’ve decided that something that IS helpful, at least for me is to look back on those situations as “I did the best I could with what I had”. I also view other people’s actions in this frame as often as possible, because it allows room for empathy, grace, and humility for myself and those around me. It makes me feel less beat up about my own choices, since life does that enough for me, without me beating myself up for bonehead decisions. I’ve made PLENTY of really dumb choices. However, I was doing what I thought was right (most of the time) in that moment, given the causes, conditions, and where I was on my journey.

Recently, I’ve been struggling with this whole concept of Right Action and also extending grace and empathy to others. Part of that is anger and another part is moral judgement. It’s really challenging to view someone as “doing the best they can” when they’re simply being assholes, because they can in a situation. I do genuinely believe that some people are mot operating from “their best”, but rather “control”, which is a hard place to land. It makes a hard pill harder to swallow. I want to believe that there is good in others and that they’re doing their best. Yet, they’re not showing their best selves and being hurtful, hateful, spiteful, and/or malicious on purpose, to inflict pain. This is not a world I want to live in. This isn’t a life I wish on anyone.

The problem is that I want to help, to the point of exhaustion. I want the world to be kind and gentle, just and equal. It simply isn’t. Part of this, I think is my own karmic lesson. Since I am a helper and a fixer, I get very much involved in things that I think I can be of service to. Then, I feel responsible and defeated when things aren’t as I feel they should be, or the outcome isn’t what my sense of justice desires. This is certainly something that I’ve been working on for many years and will likely continue to navigate. I have a distinct view of what is or is not justice, and when things fall outside those clearly defined spaces, I feel unbalanced and that the world is all wrong. For me, it is. I am a very grounded and definite person. The world doesn’t have to bend to me or my sense of morality, and frequently does the opposite. I’ve acknowledged this about myself, and hope someday to just let things go the way they will. Until then… I’m going to be trapped in this cage of righteousness and morality that I’ve constructed for myself. And that, my friends, is not only frustrating, but also the very definition of self-inflicted suffering. However, all I can do with certainty, is continue to operate from a place where I feel I’m doing the right thing, given the causes and conditions around me. It’s all any of us can do.

Until next time…

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Too much

For the last couple of weeks, watching the world unfold has been an effort in trying to keep myself upright. I have been on the verge of collapse as Russian troops invaded Ukraine.

There have been countless days where I’ve sobbed uncontrollably as my heart shattered for people I will never meet. From places I’ll never get to visit. I’ve had this experience many times in my life. But for some reason, this hits me in the core.

It’s likely, of the last several decades, I’ve said that the sadness is just too much to take it all in hundreds of times. Today, I’m feeling those words in my marrow. for the last two solid years, I’ve been thinking it regularly, but saying it rarely. Today, I break that silence and acknowledge that my heart is sawdust for the people of Ukraine, and other sufferings that are equally unspeakable. My heart has been ground to fine powder for those sufferings.

It’s difficult to go on with daily life, when life has been uprooted and pulverized. By sickness, pain, loss, isolation, abuses, murders in broad daylight, shootings, all of the tragedies we’ve collectively experienced for TWO SOLID YEARS. Everyone on this earth is in pain, whether they know it or not.

Once upon a time, writing was my safe haven, my outlet, and my muse. Today it feel heavy and pointless. As though my words are meaningless. I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said by someone else, more eloquently, to a larger crowd. What do I have to add to the dialogue? To contribute to the narrative? Very little, in my estimation. However, staying silent does not allow me to feel whole, so I write today. Not for those that are “out there” suffering. But for the one “in here”.

It’s an odd feeling writing to a page about lasting happiness. It’s so elusive. Do I feel “happier” than I did many years ago when this page began? Without a doubt. I’ve grown so much, learned more things than I could ever recall, read a myriad of books, researched the research of happiness and put practice into my quest for more tangible joy in my everyday life. However, in that same breath, I find it impossible to be “happy” while so many people are in pain. It’s so hard to go on with our “regular lives”, whatever that even means now, while others have lost everything. To not acknowledge the struggle, would 1) be doing a disservice to those who are in pain, and 2) make me an asshole. I’m unwilling to allow either of those things. Not on my watch.

I have no rosy closing to this entry. I have nothing but love in the space my heart once was, for those that need love right now. I know I’m not alone in this feeling of hopelessness, and I genuinely hope that we all make it.

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2021, in retrospect

As yet another year closes, I feel compelled to write. I have had brief passing thoughts, but otherwise no desire to do much writing this year, much like last year. Everyone is going through their own experiences and quite simply, I have too. I haven’t felt as though my shaking voice was necessary in the larger conversation. Like virtually everyone else, I’m just trying to get through this period of time with my family, with the fewest scars possible.

Obviously we are all scarred these days. Nobody that has made it through these last two years has come out unscathed, unless you’re a billionaire with infinite resources. Then, you’ve made out pretty well. However, I don’t believe they haven’t also experienced tragedies in private. We often only see the curated versions of life and not the daily grind. The reality of the human experience is that some days you’re the mortar, and others, the pestle. Regardless, it is a grind.

Today, being the winter solstice, I felt compelled to not only write about the past, but also to look toward the future. Last night was the shortest day of the year and from here until summer, the days will lengthen and the darkness shorten. I feel like that is quite metaphorical. While we still have so far to go in the light/dark balancing act that is the seasonal changes, I’m encouraged that we will soon be letting more light in, after so much darkness.

What has been so crucial for me to remember, as someone who has had lifelong depression, anxiety, and Seasonal Effective Disorder (SAD), there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. My family has been a constant reminder of this, even if they’ve also been a source of stress during these months of a whole lot of “togetherness” due to Covid. I wouldn’t want to be “stuck” with any other humans. Even at the most panicked and stressed times, I’ve turned my internal negativity toward gratitude. It has helped me appreciate the small wins, and allowed me the opportunity to get closer to my family. We’ve spent months having hard conversations so we can all grow and evolve into who we are becoming. It’s been quite apparent in all my household members, but also close friends. Despite the dumpster fires so commonplace in society, we are still growing and BECOMING. It’s a beautiful thing. I’m truly grateful for the chance to see those around me digging deep and working through the things that need to be worked through.

None of this is easy, even in the best of times. But during a pandemic of epic proportions, politically divided nations, shortages, wars, unimaginable losses, and more that we likely will never even know- there is always something to be grateful for. Even if it is just another sunrise, or making it through another trying day. Breathing, a smile, a furry friend, a song, anything. There have been many days where I’ve had to think REALLLLLLLY hard about what has gotten me through the day. But we have to find it. We have to. Some days, it’s the only thing we have to hold onto. And that’s ok. They can’t all be winners. Some days are there to teach us something: balance, humility, boundaries, patience, etc.

These things are not easy lessons and sometimes, they’re the hardest lessons of our lives. But in closing, I implore you, find the good in each day. Even if on the surface, it was the absolute worst. There is always something to appreciate and in those hard days, often a lesson. But also recognize that sometimes, the lesson isn’t ours, but we are the catalyst for change in someone else’s life. The other thing I ask of anyone reading this is to hold your loved ones close. Tomorrow is never promised. That has been a glaring lesson worldwide over the last two years. Hold your loves close. And Happy New Year

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