Tag: positivity

“I Don’t Know How You Do It”

I hear these words regularly about myself from friends and family. They usually are referring to my schedule or how many things I’m usually juggling, but last week it was about my blasted car.

A long, annoying story made very short: I drive an old, beat up car that is feeling it’s age and has come into some mechanical issues, namely not starting when I want it to.

A little back story about myself: I’m the oldest child in my family, fiercely independent and discontent with being anything but self sufficient. Yes, this makes me incredibly stubborn and often very frustrated. So the car hadn’t been starting and I figured it was 1 (or more) of 3 things: battery, starter, alternator. I’ve had experience with all of these things and it took about a day of spotty starting and the occasional jump start to know it was the starter. The battery was changed, because as we know, if there’s not enough power, it won’t start even with the best mechanical parts known to mankind. Needless to say, $300, a battery, a starter (that is not the right one for the car, but the right one for the engine… that leads one to think that it wasn’t a “rebuilt” engine as we were told, but rather a “replaced” engine of a different type than the one that is original to the car) and boat loads of frustration later, the car is “fixed”. There also seems to be a bad battery connection in there somewhere too… but at least it starts (usually) when prompted.

How does this insane story of futility and uncooperative vehicles pertain to “I don’t know how you do it”? Well, I’ve heard this when I’ve told the story this week. Not only has it been because I knew the problem, almost right away, and that’s apparently unusual for a woman in this day and age, but also due to the fact that I’ve not killed anyone or let on in mixed company that I was furious. People at work commented on how I looked like I was far too calm to have just wasted 6 hours of my life wrenching on a car that was still immobile, or that I was sunburned beyond recognition. Yet I still had a smile on my face and was laughing.

I want to mention that inside, I was a complete wreck and I’d had a full on freak out before my friend brought me to work, several hours late. Outside, I have to put on the brave face. There’s nothing that I could do and being upset about it and letting the situation ruin my work day was not an option. But again, inside, I was a disaster.

Now how does this pertain to happiness and my happiness project goals this month? Simple. Instead of screaming, crying or cursing in frustration, anger and sadness, I made the conscious choice (albeit a very difficult one) to appear happy. It made the day go much better at work and afterward, simply because I wasn’t complaining or being overly negative. Yes, the situation sucked, but no, I was not going to let the car get the best of me anymore that day.

I feel better that I was able to put on the brave face, I feel stronger because of it. I feel more confident in my ability to look as though I’m not bothered. I honestly felt like I was going to explode, but after several people assured me that I looked calm and collected, I knew I was going to be ok.

I also feel much better that it got fixed, with the help of a few people, either physically or emotionally, I didn’t explode. For that, I’m truly thankful. And in all honesty… that is how I do it. I have the support of those close to me in times of struggle. Yes, I’m fiercely independent and I shun the thought that I “need” anyone or anything from anyone. However, in all reality, I’d never have made it this far in life without those forces present in my life. The help of others allows me to do anything I am able to do… and even some things I’m not able to do. It’s a blessing and I’m eternally grateful for that.

(The above is what my car would look like, if it weren’t all beat to hell)

(http://theeverydaywarrior.com/2012/05/04/i-am-stubborn-and-i-know-it/)

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Communication and Right Speech

Right speech can go one of two ways in my opinion: 1) You speak only when you have something to say that is honest, wholesome, encouraging, constructive, positive or any combination thereof, or 2) You say nothing unless you have to. For several weeks, I attempted to make option 1 my goal.

However, I realized rather quickly that well, I’m a human being and I’m going to be harsh, critical, and negative sometimes. It’s difficult to be positive in speech when you’re angry or frustrated. I know, I’ve tried. Lately, I’ve taken to just not talking in general. Unless I’m chatting with a friend or someone, I’m just not interested in talking much.

The problem with this is that I feel as if I’m becoming more and more isolated. Yes, I’m staying out of considerable amounts of drama that is of no concern to me, but at the same time, I feel like I’m missing opportunities to engage others in dialog. This, to me, is lacking in the modern Western culture… with texting, email, the internet… people don’t often take the chance to speak face-to-face with other humans. How else are people, especially young people, going to learn to communicate with others in work, school and their personal lives? How else are people going to learn the nonverbal cues of communication that often is much more telling than their words?

Here’s what I’ve been quite introspective about as of late: How can I communicate best in a particular situation? Is it to not say anything, to share my opinion in a cautious and caring way, or is to be open and honest while considering the feelings of the person to whom I’m speaking? I’ve been trying these out in situations where I think they’ll best fit and overall I think I’m doing pretty well.

At work, where I have an abundance of time to think about anything and everything, I’ve essentially stopped talking. My work is such that chatting to make the time pass is common and people are regularly joking and sharing details of their lives. I have opted to stay out of these conversations, aside from the occasional lighthearted comment. This has an unfortunate side effect… the days DRAG on. I find myself watching the clock compulsively.

That is not to say that I have not had very deep and interesting talks with people at my job, because I most certainly have. But these discussions are during breaks or after the brunt of the work load has been completed. I enjoy these types of conversations more than any idle chit chat throughout the day could ever compare to.

I feel as if talking one on one with someone about higher level topics (and sometimes nothing more than a tee-shirt tan line) enables me to connect with those parts of communication that mean so much. Being able to share ideas and thoughts, even if they may not match my own, respectfully and thoughtfully is something I didn’t realize I was missing until I consciously brought more of it into my life.

Recently I saw a picture of what someone spray painted under a bridge. The words said “Fear is a liar”. This struck a deep chord with me because I am not immune from fear and it frequently rules my life. This is something that has made it often difficult to communicate with any degree of courage or strength. In a way, it’s become my new mantra and using those words has allowed me to overcome fear in a few situations where I needed to communicate courageously and clearly.

Anyway, this is what I’ve figured out so far in my quest: fear holds you back from being able to communicate directly and courageously, idle chatter is often nothing more than a time filler, finding people to share ideas with is crucial to Right Speech because it allows agreement and disagreement to happen and for me to act accordingly, and courage is a much larger part of communication and Right Speech than I ever imagined.

(http://www.soulschoolonline.com/2012/03/communications-perceptions-assumptions-oh-my/)

(http://inspiredwednesdays.blogspot.com/2012/01/fear-is-liar.html)

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