Tag: Recreation

Independence

This week, we in the United States, experienced Independence Day. It’s supposed to be a celebration of our separation from the British monarchy. Without getting too political here, I’m not so sure we are actually all that separated from any sort of Authoritarian rule, and we may see a return to something resembling a monarchy someday. Things are getting weird here.

Anyway, that’s not what this is post is about. Instead, the concept of independence at all, is the topic of this entry. There are no independent factors in an ecosystem. The sun allows plants to photosynthesize, the water to carry nutrients, the insects feed on, spread the seeds and/or pollen for plant propagation, other animals feed on those insects, other animals feed on those animals and so on. No one that survives does it completely alone. We, even as humans, are critically DEPENDENT on other beings. The beings who produce the organisms we eat, the insects, the decomposers who deal with the decaying matter, and everything in between. We are dependent on on another too. As babies, we are under developed and fragile. We need safe and appropriate caretakers (the jury is often out on that one) not only to carry us around and feed us, but to teach us things as well. Culture, mores, norms, methods of communication, how and where to find food, what food even IS… these are all things we learn very young from the people in charge of us. That’s wildly dependent for a bunch of years, unheard of in the remainder of the animal kingdom. Other primates don’t care directly for their young for nearly as long, nor do any other mammals on the planet. We are quite unique in that way, just how intensely dependent we are and for as long.

http://images.nationalgeographic.com/wpf/media-live/photos/000/015/cache/swirling-aurora-nicklen_1528_990x742.jpg

As a Buddhist, I understand INTERdependence. So not only are we dependent, but we are all mutually dependent on one another. It’s a two-way street, you see. I am dependent on others, who are also and generally equally, dependent on me. That’s not to say we are responsible for the care and upkeep of every living thing we come across, because that’s not sustainable. It does mean that we are all in this together and nobody is above needing others to help them out. We need the air, water, plants, insects, etc. We also need the fellow inhabitants on this rock to not destroy the resources we all have to share. This last bit some people struggle with, I think. These resources that are available for us all, we have to share them. Instead, we’ve commodified basic life sustaining elements, like clean air and water. It’s really a shame. Sure, it’s not likely that we’d have moved from hunter-gatherers to what we have now, without commodifying basic needs. But now we have shit like credit scores and taxes, paying for water, when we probably could have gone a different way.

Since our planet is careening toward the 6th mass extinction, what can we do? I mean, obviously our species, and many we share the Earth with, are not going to make it without some drastic changes. Our stubborn humans generally don’t want to admit there is a problem, or can’t decide who has to be responsible for it. As individuals, we have choices, however. We vote for the world we want to live in, with every dollar we spend. We can choose to use those bucks wisely, and make better, more sustainable choices. The disposable nature of the society we’ve created, requires us to forget our connectedness.

Finding people who are on a similar path, helps to build community and additional resources for us. We can choose to recognize that we are here for the same reasons, and we are all deserving of respect, even if we don’t agree ideologically. We all want to feel successful in our lives, find meaning in our families or chosen families, and want to pursue happiness in whatever forms make sense. But I encourage us to also internalize the idea that none of us are islands unto ourselves and we need one another to make it. Not just as a species, but as members of the species. We don’t want our lives cut short, typically. This means we have to work together, especially in the ever-changing world. We have to find our people and work together. Create the villages we all know we need. Things don’t seem to be getting easier in many ways, even with all the technology we can and will develop. Nothing can take the place of connection and interconnectedness.

Thank you for reading.

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Happy 201 and more

Hello friends.

To say “it’s been a while” would be at minimum, disingenuous. I feel like I should begin more along the lines of “it’s been more than two years since my last confession”. As I sit here drinking my morning coffee on an average Sunday, please understand that I’ve never forgotten about you, nor have I abandoned writing.

It’s been hard, these last two years, to do much of anything outside of survival mode. However, I’ve been taking a class recently on self empowerment, and while digging deep into my core values, writing was quietly waiting for me to pick it back up. Since I recognized this, I’ve gained momentum from starting a collaborative project with my mom. She was visiting us from the other side of the country and we had a finite amount of time to start and made excellent headway. But it felt good to sort of stretch my legs, writing with her, while remembering how much I love this form of communication. I’ve picked up journaling once again, and now, I’m back here.

Writing has been therapeutic in many ways, but also truly difficult. There are a myriad of thoughts, feelings, and unknowns that have prevented me from coming back here, at least with regularity, for more than 5 years. I’ve existed, but struggled to live fully, due to unprocessed or buried traumas. I’ve barely scratched the surface of sorting through all that, but I’m also done feeling stuck. Life has thrown some wild pitches, and I keep swinging for the fence. I’m just not connecting with the ball and I’m not going to chase after it.

Since the closure of my business, separation and divorce from my second husband, I’ve moved across the country, moved houses several times, endured a lengthy and languishing pandemic and the after affects thereof, witnessed widespread protesting and violence against police brutality, against our own nation’s capital, against wars and genocide, against each other for our views, faiths, and political leanings. I’ve also had opportunities to learn and grow, become closer with my family, get married and buy a home with my husband, discover unknown depths of my capacity to love, support and cherish moments with my kids (bio and step), explore new communities and meet people who will be lifelong friends, drive long, introspective distances, and survive moments I genuinely believed would have been my last. A whole lot has happened in a little over 5 years.

We’ve all been collectively living through unprecedented times. We’ve all been dragging our asses through history in the making. It’s been real wild, and I think as much as our kids have struggled and lost during all of this, the adults carrying this weight have suffered greatly more than we realize. We are carrying the traumas of our own experiences and that of our kids (even if they’re not biologically yours, most of us have young ones in our lives).

All of this is to recap why I’ve been a ghost. I haven’t felt like I had something meaningful to contribute to the narrative, since there’s been so much fucking noise surrounding us. I’m simply trying to survive myself, with a swirling inside my brain hole. It’s been like a blender in there. Now, it’s a shit smoothie and I’m ready to pour it out. Strap in, kids. I am planning great things and will be back soon, and more regularly. I’m motivated and falling back in love with words, after being estranged for so very long.

Please subscribe if you’re interested in keeping up because I’ll be making some announcements in the coming weeks/months. Thank you for reading and I’ll catch you on the flip side (if you’re young, you probably don’t know that reference- look it up). Finally, this is my 201st post to the page. 🎉

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Evolution

Hello and welcome back to whatever this blog has morphed into… musings really, I think. I set out over a decade ago after becoming inspired by a book I read on happiness. I gave myself tasks and goals (very Type A of me) to achieve everyday happiness. And for a long time, it worked, as you can read if so inclined, by my studious documentation of that project.

Over time, that little project changed a little, into sort of another project. And that challenge lead into a different thing, which led to a bizarre “confessional” of sorts, and now to this phase… where I seemingly wax poetic about something that has been on my mind.

As I have aged over the years, my focuses have changed too. My voice in writing, as well as my priorities in my life have changed distinctly. In the time that I’ve been hosting this blog, I’ve become a parent, gotten divorced and remarried (possibly more than once), and I’ve moved more times than I can recall at this moment. I’ve fairly recently uprooted my life and took my kiddo across the country to try something else, because what I was doing in our hometown simply wasn’t working for us anymore. We’ve grown as individuals and as a pair, me and the kid. We’ve gained a whole new support system in our new/old city, and lost a tremendous amount in these subsequent, turbulent years.

Which brings me to today’s topic: evolution. Not the controversial (for reasons I cannot begin to fathom) Evolution (read: dinosaurs, primates, humans, planet, and cosmos shit), but evolution, as we grow and change as people, parents, partners, and stewards of our lives. While I jokingly say to those close to me, I’ve been the same cynical bitch you’ve all come to know and love, that’s not exactly true. Yes, a great deal of my personality has not changed one bit since childhood- shakes fist at trauma– there are huge parts of me that HAVE evolved into someone/something else.

I’ve recognized that events in my life have caused me to change, both as a person unto myself and as a person in the world. Past experiences have formed how I behave in certain situations, whether healthy or unhealthy. A number of them are trauma responses that I’ve picked up to carve the path of least resistance for myself or others. However some of this stuff just comes with age, and my priorities being different than they were when I was 30.

My relationships with people have changed significantly too. My close friends and I aren’t playing sports like we used to, injuries and having jobs that start early in the mornings being things. Partnerships have evolved. The days of teenage infatuation have moved toward a deep sense of knowing another person on a deeper level. I’m not as afraid of things in relationships either, like the other person getting distracted or periods away from one another.

I recently saw one of my best friends and it was like nothing had changed. We caught up, laughed, hugged… we’ve not seen each other in 6 months. We don’t talk as often as we’d like, but it’s ok. Life is hectic and we are so solid in our friendship, we know that we are friends for life. There’s so much peace in knowing who your people are and that they’re solid. It’s taken a loooooong time, and a whole lot of shitty friends seeing themselves out of my life for this to happen. I used to be the type of person that would try to keep people in my life, even if they were toxic, because I was afraid of being alone. I don’t have the patience for that any longer. It’s just not who I am.

Patience is another thing that has evolved. I have infinitely more patience for certain things, like kids. But I’ll be damned if I waste a single second that doesn’t serve me or my higher self. If it’s a drain, I’m OUT. This goes for people, social situations, jobs, all of it. I can’t tolerate nonsense anymore. If Covid has taught me anything, it’s that life is too short for bullshit and I refuse to waste a single moment more on it. I’ve wasted far too much of my life catering to people and things that are soul sucking. Never again.

This admission in itself, is proof positive that I’ve evolved. In a former life, I’d have held on for dear life to shit that was actively destroying me. I lost everything because it, repeatedly. I lost myself. I lost my homes, car, stability, security, everything. I was empty and lost. Never again.

I can say with utmost certainty that it’s never too late to evolve, change, grow, and throw away the things that make you feel hollow, alone, or sad. Choose happy and work toward that every single day.

Thanks for reading.

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2021, in retrospect

As yet another year closes, I feel compelled to write. I have had brief passing thoughts, but otherwise no desire to do much writing this year, much like last year. Everyone is going through their own experiences and quite simply, I have too. I haven’t felt as though my shaking voice was necessary in the larger conversation. Like virtually everyone else, I’m just trying to get through this period of time with my family, with the fewest scars possible.

Obviously we are all scarred these days. Nobody that has made it through these last two years has come out unscathed, unless you’re a billionaire with infinite resources. Then, you’ve made out pretty well. However, I don’t believe they haven’t also experienced tragedies in private. We often only see the curated versions of life and not the daily grind. The reality of the human experience is that some days you’re the mortar, and others, the pestle. Regardless, it is a grind.

Today, being the winter solstice, I felt compelled to not only write about the past, but also to look toward the future. Last night was the shortest day of the year and from here until summer, the days will lengthen and the darkness shorten. I feel like that is quite metaphorical. While we still have so far to go in the light/dark balancing act that is the seasonal changes, I’m encouraged that we will soon be letting more light in, after so much darkness.

What has been so crucial for me to remember, as someone who has had lifelong depression, anxiety, and Seasonal Effective Disorder (SAD), there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. My family has been a constant reminder of this, even if they’ve also been a source of stress during these months of a whole lot of “togetherness” due to Covid. I wouldn’t want to be “stuck” with any other humans. Even at the most panicked and stressed times, I’ve turned my internal negativity toward gratitude. It has helped me appreciate the small wins, and allowed me the opportunity to get closer to my family. We’ve spent months having hard conversations so we can all grow and evolve into who we are becoming. It’s been quite apparent in all my household members, but also close friends. Despite the dumpster fires so commonplace in society, we are still growing and BECOMING. It’s a beautiful thing. I’m truly grateful for the chance to see those around me digging deep and working through the things that need to be worked through.

None of this is easy, even in the best of times. But during a pandemic of epic proportions, politically divided nations, shortages, wars, unimaginable losses, and more that we likely will never even know- there is always something to be grateful for. Even if it is just another sunrise, or making it through another trying day. Breathing, a smile, a furry friend, a song, anything. There have been many days where I’ve had to think REALLLLLLLY hard about what has gotten me through the day. But we have to find it. We have to. Some days, it’s the only thing we have to hold onto. And that’s ok. They can’t all be winners. Some days are there to teach us something: balance, humility, boundaries, patience, etc.

These things are not easy lessons and sometimes, they’re the hardest lessons of our lives. But in closing, I implore you, find the good in each day. Even if on the surface, it was the absolute worst. There is always something to appreciate and in those hard days, often a lesson. But also recognize that sometimes, the lesson isn’t ours, but we are the catalyst for change in someone else’s life. The other thing I ask of anyone reading this is to hold your loved ones close. Tomorrow is never promised. That has been a glaring lesson worldwide over the last two years. Hold your loves close. And Happy New Year

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Breaking old patterns

***TRIGGER WARNING*** brief reference to trauma survival.

Humans are hardwired to learn from and maintain patterns, especially those required for survival. Since we typically don’t have many predators in our modern lives, except for other, deranged and damaged humans. Through these learned behaviors, we develop almost a muscle memory to situations that strike us as familiar, so we don’t do something potentially dangerous or harmful to ourselves. Not until we are self aware enough or emotionally mature enough, do we realize many of these patterns are not self preservation mechanisms at all, but unhealthy coping mechanisms to protect our most fragile elements, most often – the ego.

Of course some people have protection fail safes, and these folks are generally those with histories of trauma. These individuals have created real patters to protect themselves, and in no way is this meant to disparage them. Trauma survivors are fucking warriors, in my opinion. To come out of troubling situations alive is a testament to the human survival mechanism, and I commend every single survivor.

The people I’m talking about, with unhealthy coping mechanisms, are those that grew up not getting everything they want, while feeling entitled to these desires. The ones who feel like they deserve the great job, the girl or boy of their dreams, the house, the car, the whatever… but doing nothing to achieve them. The people I’m talking about are the ones who had their hearts broken and now EVERYONE is exactly like their ex. The ones who are afraid of commitment of any kind, for fear of loss or failure. The ones who “fail to launch” for those same reasons. The ones who feel like they can’t ever catch a break, so they keep doing the same things, while expecting a different result. These are the people who need to take a deep hard look at themselves, and come up with a better behavior or coping strategy.

Rewiring your brain (which is quite literally what you’re doing when breaking a pattern) is vastly easier said than done. Depending on how strong that neuropathway is, it can take a lifetime to change the hardware. However, with constant reinforcement and attention, it’s absolutely possible.

Gather around kids, it’s story time about what I mean:

I come from a family of people who hide and stuff their feelings. Sorry family who might be reading this, but we do. Then, when the timing couldn’t be worse, we explode and have a total emotional eruption that then levels everyone around, whether or not they’re actually the cause of our discomfort. This is especially problematic with romantic partnerships, because communication is choppy at best, nonexistent at its worst. We don’t talk, then our feelings get hurt, we stuff it because we don’t know how to communicate, we eventually explode, everyone is hurt and angry, we retreat to our corners, lather, rinse, repeat. It super sucks.

Personally, I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life and many of my teen years in therapy and reading self-help books to combat many of the learned behaviors I’ve picked up. The above description being just one of them. My least favorite coping mechanism I’ve been seeking to eradicate is the following: running away.

By running away, I mean, generally speaking, emotionally. However, I’ve been known to run away from jobs where I no longer feel valued, houses in which I no longer feel comfortable, and relationships in which I no longer feel loved. That last one, is especially problematic, since I was married for 10 out of the last 16 years, and in a long term relationship for an additional 3.

When I first got married, at the tender age of 22, to my first husband, when he and I would argue, he would isolate himself (much in part to unresolved anxiety and being an only child), so I would react by emotionally and sometimes physically retreating. After years of this game and feeling completely unable to communicate with him in a meaningful way, I strayed. We agreed to work on things and stay together. Because we could not effectively communicate, to genuinely believed that things were moving forward.

However, once we began working together for the same company, I quickly realized I couldn’t have been more wrong. I met his manager, and knew there was something there. I told him that she wanted to sleep with him, he seemed surprised, but a couple weeks later, he begun staying out late at happy hour, getting rides home from her (she lived 60+ minutes in the opposite direction from where we lived), and simply started behaving erratically. I told him I was leaving. He wanted me to stay, but I just couldn’t live like that anymore.

We spent months in counseling, and set a date for when I would move back home. During that time, he’d begun dating his boss, who was married with a young child, and I began dating a longtime friend. All the while, still trying to salvage this codependent mess we’d created. I stopped dating my friend quickly, as I wanted to give my marriage a real chance, and I thought my ex would have done the same. His boss continued to drive by our house, call him in the middle of the night, and more.

At the set date, I did move back home. It was tense, awkward, and emotionally decimating. After about two weeks, we were getting ready to go to bed, and had an uncomfortable interaction. I was kneeling on the bed, hands in my lap, head down… and in a voice barely above a whisper, I asked plainly “do you even want to try anymore?” His reply was what sealed it “I don’t know”. I replied, “Ok” and got up from the bed and went to my office. I called my grandmother to tell her I would be arriving at her house about 1,000 miles away in two weeks, then I called my best friend to come pick me up.

I put in my notice at work, bought a car, packed up my things and pets, and drove away two weeks later. We spent the next 6 months in a complicated divorce, and I eventually moved back to my home state.

My point in sharing this very personal and still quite uncomfortable story about my life is that, he and I fell into our same stupid patterns as a couple, which didn’t mesh well together. We didn’t work on our communication hardly at all, and we isolated from one another at the first sign of trouble or disagreement. We never worked on the root problems between us and we never had a shot after that. Looking back, I see so many things that I did wrong. I see where I could have done things better, and how we should have gone to counseling long before the beginning of the end. This is in part to the fact that I’ve spent over a decade mulling over this colossal failure and how the relationship might have been saved.

I’m also aware enough to know that it possibly couldn’t have been saved, regardless. My point is that I’ve spent almost my entire adult life trying to overcome this tragedy of my life, because I fell into old patterns. Since then, I’ve worked on things, and some stuff has gotten better, but my good old standby is to retreat when I feel slighted. It’s just my wiring.

When I feel the impulse to run away from a situation, I quite literally force myself to do the exact opposite- to connect. When my current partner and I disagree, I force myself to communicate, when I would feel much more comfortable hiding in my corner. My thoughts still race, coming up with plan A, B, and C for what I’m going to do with myself, but instead of catastrophizing for a long period of time, I do the exact opposite, I get closer to him. I don’t want this relationship to suffer the same fate as my first marriage. I’m older and wiser now, I see the similarities and differences between the partners, and also myself.

Changing our patterns is really hard and most assuredly uncomfortable. I hate the feelings it brings to the surface. I hate reliving painful experiences in the hopes that the outcome will be different. I hate feeling sad, inadequate, and uncomfortable, but these are all signs that I’m doing something different. We could easily just be mad and ignore each other until we feel better, but why? Is it worth it? I don’t think it is. Changing the patterns makes us better in the future, helps each of us grow, and makes the relationship stronger in the long run. It forces me to own my shit, and correct it going forward. One day, one interaction at a time.

Thanks for reading.

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