Tag: research

Right Actions- A Thought

As a Buddhist, we generally strive to follow the eight-fold noble path. Right Action is one of those folds. However, the word “right” in all of the eight folds is quite subjective and often difficult to really qualify.

For instance, fighting in a situation may very well be the right thing for a person to do in the moment, for fear of real danger. However, it may not be “legal”, which inherently isn’t “right” in the eyes of our judicial system. Besides the judgements, is that action still morally right? I’ve recognized that frequently, “moral” and “legal” are not aligned.

In the words of the great Stan Lee- every villain is the hero of their own story.

Fear and morality are parts of Right Action, in that, our morals and our fear reflexes very much shape our worlds as individuals, and our experiences in the world at large. It’s suffice to say, that absent these guides, people would also behave very differently, I believe.

For example: if we were not afraid of consequences, I feel there’d be many more instances of people making unhelpful or unwholesome choices in their lives. If many of us did not have clearly defined morals (whether spiritually based or not), we’d have a much more aggressive and violent world. That’s not to say “moral” people don’t do counterproductive and/or harmful things. Because they often do, largely from some semblance of moral superiority or self righteousness. I just think that we’d all be worse off, without morals and fear guiding the general populace.

I know that the question: who’s to say what’s “right”, is obviously unanswerable in general, but it does bear reflection. What is right for me isn’t going to be what’s right for someone else in all situations. The causes and conditions, as well as histories of each of us often make these choices very different for an individual. What’s greater still, is having to justify that choice to others.

I try to avoid calling things good or bad, as that comes from a place of judgement, and rarely am I qualified to lay down such a determination for people other than myself. I can certainly look back on my life and Cherry-pick the items I’ve decided from the future that are both good and bad. But even this type of reflection is not helpful. I’ve decided that something that IS helpful, at least for me is to look back on those situations as “I did the best I could with what I had”. I also view other people’s actions in this frame as often as possible, because it allows room for empathy, grace, and humility for myself and those around me. It makes me feel less beat up about my own choices, since life does that enough for me, without me beating myself up for bonehead decisions. I’ve made PLENTY of really dumb choices. However, I was doing what I thought was right (most of the time) in that moment, given the causes, conditions, and where I was on my journey.

Recently, I’ve been struggling with this whole concept of Right Action and also extending grace and empathy to others. Part of that is anger and another part is moral judgement. It’s really challenging to view someone as “doing the best they can” when they’re simply being assholes, because they can in a situation. I do genuinely believe that some people are mot operating from “their best”, but rather “control”, which is a hard place to land. It makes a hard pill harder to swallow. I want to believe that there is good in others and that they’re doing their best. Yet, they’re not showing their best selves and being hurtful, hateful, spiteful, and/or malicious on purpose, to inflict pain. This is not a world I want to live in. This isn’t a life I wish on anyone.

The problem is that I want to help, to the point of exhaustion. I want the world to be kind and gentle, just and equal. It simply isn’t. Part of this, I think is my own karmic lesson. Since I am a helper and a fixer, I get very much involved in things that I think I can be of service to. Then, I feel responsible and defeated when things aren’t as I feel they should be, or the outcome isn’t what my sense of justice desires. This is certainly something that I’ve been working on for many years and will likely continue to navigate. I have a distinct view of what is or is not justice, and when things fall outside those clearly defined spaces, I feel unbalanced and that the world is all wrong. For me, it is. I am a very grounded and definite person. The world doesn’t have to bend to me or my sense of morality, and frequently does the opposite. I’ve acknowledged this about myself, and hope someday to just let things go the way they will. Until then… I’m going to be trapped in this cage of righteousness and morality that I’ve constructed for myself. And that, my friends, is not only frustrating, but also the very definition of self-inflicted suffering. However, all I can do with certainty, is continue to operate from a place where I feel I’m doing the right thing, given the causes and conditions around me. It’s all any of us can do.

Until next time…

2

Evolution

Hello and welcome back to whatever this blog has morphed into… musings really, I think. I set out over a decade ago after becoming inspired by a book I read on happiness. I gave myself tasks and goals (very Type A of me) to achieve everyday happiness. And for a long time, it worked, as you can read if so inclined, by my studious documentation of that project.

Over time, that little project changed a little, into sort of another project. And that challenge lead into a different thing, which led to a bizarre “confessional” of sorts, and now to this phase… where I seemingly wax poetic about something that has been on my mind.

As I have aged over the years, my focuses have changed too. My voice in writing, as well as my priorities in my life have changed distinctly. In the time that I’ve been hosting this blog, I’ve become a parent, gotten divorced and remarried (possibly more than once), and I’ve moved more times than I can recall at this moment. I’ve fairly recently uprooted my life and took my kiddo across the country to try something else, because what I was doing in our hometown simply wasn’t working for us anymore. We’ve grown as individuals and as a pair, me and the kid. We’ve gained a whole new support system in our new/old city, and lost a tremendous amount in these subsequent, turbulent years.

Which brings me to today’s topic: evolution. Not the controversial (for reasons I cannot begin to fathom) Evolution (read: dinosaurs, primates, humans, planet, and cosmos shit), but evolution, as we grow and change as people, parents, partners, and stewards of our lives. While I jokingly say to those close to me, I’ve been the same cynical bitch you’ve all come to know and love, that’s not exactly true. Yes, a great deal of my personality has not changed one bit since childhood- shakes fist at trauma– there are huge parts of me that HAVE evolved into someone/something else.

I’ve recognized that events in my life have caused me to change, both as a person unto myself and as a person in the world. Past experiences have formed how I behave in certain situations, whether healthy or unhealthy. A number of them are trauma responses that I’ve picked up to carve the path of least resistance for myself or others. However some of this stuff just comes with age, and my priorities being different than they were when I was 30.

My relationships with people have changed significantly too. My close friends and I aren’t playing sports like we used to, injuries and having jobs that start early in the mornings being things. Partnerships have evolved. The days of teenage infatuation have moved toward a deep sense of knowing another person on a deeper level. I’m not as afraid of things in relationships either, like the other person getting distracted or periods away from one another.

I recently saw one of my best friends and it was like nothing had changed. We caught up, laughed, hugged… we’ve not seen each other in 6 months. We don’t talk as often as we’d like, but it’s ok. Life is hectic and we are so solid in our friendship, we know that we are friends for life. There’s so much peace in knowing who your people are and that they’re solid. It’s taken a loooooong time, and a whole lot of shitty friends seeing themselves out of my life for this to happen. I used to be the type of person that would try to keep people in my life, even if they were toxic, because I was afraid of being alone. I don’t have the patience for that any longer. It’s just not who I am.

Patience is another thing that has evolved. I have infinitely more patience for certain things, like kids. But I’ll be damned if I waste a single second that doesn’t serve me or my higher self. If it’s a drain, I’m OUT. This goes for people, social situations, jobs, all of it. I can’t tolerate nonsense anymore. If Covid has taught me anything, it’s that life is too short for bullshit and I refuse to waste a single moment more on it. I’ve wasted far too much of my life catering to people and things that are soul sucking. Never again.

This admission in itself, is proof positive that I’ve evolved. In a former life, I’d have held on for dear life to shit that was actively destroying me. I lost everything because it, repeatedly. I lost myself. I lost my homes, car, stability, security, everything. I was empty and lost. Never again.

I can say with utmost certainty that it’s never too late to evolve, change, grow, and throw away the things that make you feel hollow, alone, or sad. Choose happy and work toward that every single day.

Thanks for reading.

0

Too much

For the last couple of weeks, watching the world unfold has been an effort in trying to keep myself upright. I have been on the verge of collapse as Russian troops invaded Ukraine.

There have been countless days where I’ve sobbed uncontrollably as my heart shattered for people I will never meet. From places I’ll never get to visit. I’ve had this experience many times in my life. But for some reason, this hits me in the core.

It’s likely, of the last several decades, I’ve said that the sadness is just too much to take it all in hundreds of times. Today, I’m feeling those words in my marrow. for the last two solid years, I’ve been thinking it regularly, but saying it rarely. Today, I break that silence and acknowledge that my heart is sawdust for the people of Ukraine, and other sufferings that are equally unspeakable. My heart has been ground to fine powder for those sufferings.

It’s difficult to go on with daily life, when life has been uprooted and pulverized. By sickness, pain, loss, isolation, abuses, murders in broad daylight, shootings, all of the tragedies we’ve collectively experienced for TWO SOLID YEARS. Everyone on this earth is in pain, whether they know it or not.

Once upon a time, writing was my safe haven, my outlet, and my muse. Today it feel heavy and pointless. As though my words are meaningless. I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said by someone else, more eloquently, to a larger crowd. What do I have to add to the dialogue? To contribute to the narrative? Very little, in my estimation. However, staying silent does not allow me to feel whole, so I write today. Not for those that are “out there” suffering. But for the one “in here”.

It’s an odd feeling writing to a page about lasting happiness. It’s so elusive. Do I feel “happier” than I did many years ago when this page began? Without a doubt. I’ve grown so much, learned more things than I could ever recall, read a myriad of books, researched the research of happiness and put practice into my quest for more tangible joy in my everyday life. However, in that same breath, I find it impossible to be “happy” while so many people are in pain. It’s so hard to go on with our “regular lives”, whatever that even means now, while others have lost everything. To not acknowledge the struggle, would 1) be doing a disservice to those who are in pain, and 2) make me an asshole. I’m unwilling to allow either of those things. Not on my watch.

I have no rosy closing to this entry. I have nothing but love in the space my heart once was, for those that need love right now. I know I’m not alone in this feeling of hopelessness, and I genuinely hope that we all make it.

0

2020, in the rear view

As all of the readers of this blog know, I typically don’t allow *quite* this long go between posts. There’s often “inconsistency”, as anyone who’s read it, knows. But this long, is long. I’m sorry for my silence through the vast majority of this year. As we all recognize, 2020 has been nothing short of a train wreck. However, I’m un/fortunate to have only had a short time of unemployment. So, I’ve remained, largely, the same busy and distracted working parent you (all 3-4 of you) know and like.

Edit: 4/13/22- For reasons I can’t understand, the rest of this blog was lost? Removed? I don’t know. But it’s gone and surely something was said about keeping our heads up in uncertain times, or it’s only temporary. However, from the future in which I’ve come to, I can’t say things are so rosy. It’s a sad truth how I felt back then in 2020, and where I am now mentally in 2022, are simply miles apart. Sorry this wasn’t a better edit or update. Just keeping things transparent.

6

Runaway

Please enjoy the musical stylings of A Flock of Seagulls.

https://youtu.be/iIpfWORQWhU

I share this timeless ditty with those of my readers whom are of a similar ilk. Those of you in love with new wave and the likes of you whom, as adults, dream of hitting the bricks more than you ever did as a youngster.

My day dreams consist of freeing myself of this ugly world, and traveling amongst the waves. My dreams at night are focused on simply change and making the surroundings different from what they currently are. Both are indicative of not just my wanderlust, of which I have to a ridiculous degree, but also my desire to just not live on this planet anymore. If I were equipped to be an astronaut, I’d be out of this world by now.

There is currently too much sadness for me to accept. There is too much injustice for me to know how to manage. There is too much apathy for me to stomach. There is too much heartbreak to fathom. I am truly unable to take it all in and I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown.

That breakdown would not have been completely, though largely, due to most recent events. But rather, years of compounded fear, lack, frustration, hopelessness, and need. The murder of George Floyd 10 minutes from where I currently call home is just the sadness cherry on a pile of trash.

Don’t get me wrong, however. I have been nothing if not genuine when I say that I have a beautiful life. I’ve been fortunate enough to do many of the things I’ve set out to do, from the mundane to the miraculous. I love my life. I’ve grown to truly appreciate and LOVE the life I’ve been given. Hardships and all. Yet, lately, more than I have in probably two decades, find myself wanting to check out. Not suicide, just feeling overwhelmed with sadness and without hope that things around us will get better. I’m so ashamed of my country and the state I live in, and honestly, the state I’m from too. They all suck right now, and I’m bordering on hating them.

I am ashamed that America is rife with injustices that I’ll never ever comprehend. I was born a white female, so I acknowledge my privilege outright in that. I was not born to wealthy parents or family. Quite the opposite actually. But my skin color has not negatively impacted they way I walk about this earth. I’m grateful, with a tinge of guilt. I didn’t choose this life or body. And I feel as though I’ve fought on the right side of justice in all things. I have always stood up for the right things. Injustices I see everywhere. I have fought for women, people of color, marriage equality, and animals in every moment of activism. Even in unconscious moments, like while buying things, I buy fair trade and organic because the earth and it’s inhabitants all DESERVE better.

But I’m still guilty of being a privileged white female American. And I hate it. And I’m also grateful that I’m able to speak to power on behalf of others. I am and I do whenever possible.

I’m just so damn sick of fighting and seeing no results. People are still slaughtering other sentient beings every day. Human and animals alike are fodder to the larger structures and systems, and I’m exhausted and angry. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. It sucks. It sucks that I’m doing my best with what I have, and what I have is a shit sandwich. I feel like a bad mom for being angry and frustrated and hopeless. So what do I personally do when I feel like the world is crumbling (literally and figuratively)? I want to run away.

When I see there’s just no point in fighting any longer, I want to leave. I want to sell all my worldly possessions and emigrate to a deserted island somewhere warm and beautiful. I want to commune with the ocean and the sky. To feel the salty air on my skin and breeze on my face. I want to leave not out of desperation, as I did in my teens, but out of expanse and connection with something majestic. Something away from the bullshit of modern life. Something bigger.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share where you want to run away to, if you want to run at all, in the comments.

2

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑