Tag: right action

This week is testing me

Everything that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong this week. From the moment my coworker and I decided to ‘Fuck it’, we’ve both been tested, at home and at work. 

Her brother was in a crash 3000 miles away from her, I had to leave my car and rush home because it wouldn’t start and my daughter needed me. She had to cover the desk of another coworker and got reamed for that person’s mistakes, while I had to deal with one of my bosses getting pissed because I didn’t know how to do something he thought I should have been taking responsibility for. 

This whole week has been a hot mess, but I’m so glad it’s Friday. I am so fortunate and grateful for so many things. But I’ll be the first to admit that it’s been extremely challenging and throwing up my hands when I’ve got to hurry up and be somewhere- after wasting 25 minutes trying to start my car- is easier said than done. 

So, in the spirit of this project and of the week people seem to be having, fuck it. It’s Friday and almost time to go home and spend the night hanging out with my baby. That’s what matters. The rest of it means so little. 

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The F*ck it Project

I have a coworker that lovingly said to me the other day that I’m like the twin she ate in the womb. I took that as we are weirdly similar. And we are. We share many similar experiences and as it turns out, know some of the same people. Our birthdays are even within a week of one another. It’s strange how much in common we have. But I digress. 

We were eating lunch together yesterday, which is fairly uncommon. I’m usually tethered to my desk or her to hers. But during our lunch, she was talking about her week and last weekend and some things that came up. We’ve both been experiencing stress from a variety of sources regarding things that are either A) completely out of our control or B) really not that important when it comes down to it. So she proposed a fuck it project. 

The idea is this: whenever we are feeling stress, anxiety, apprehension, or just a general lack of enjoyment in a situation that comes up, we will say fuck it, and do what we want or at least remove the attachment to the outcome. This is a very Buddhist approach and I immediately said yes. 

Surely we can’t do this type of thing at work, righ? Wrong. We are both still expected to perform our jobs pretty much flawlessly. We each have very demanding positions that require a lot of patience and dedication. We don’t do the same functions at our office, but they’re equally important. Because of the importance we are often overloaded, overworked, and simply over it. So instead of stressing out over a project or expectation, we are going to say fuck it, and remember that we are only human and that we can only do so much. We will not be guilted, harassed, or otherwise by ourselves or our bosses. Instead, fuck it. We will do our best, and that’s what will happen. 

We are doing this just for a week to see how we feel about it. But we will reconvene next week about the results. We will also hold each other accountable throughout the experience, since our work stations are very close together and we can see each other all day. I’m excited and a little nervous, since we both have the tendency to bear the weight of the world. But it’s heavy and I’m sick of carrying it. So fuck it. 

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Big mouth strikes again

Like many people, I’ve got anxiety, especially in situations of public speaking. Yesterday, in a class I’ve been taking, I was asked to share with the group. I started out one direction and ended up going ‘off script’ and sharing a little more than I was comfortable with. My brain was totally aware that I was going in the wrong direction, but inexplicably couldn’t stop my mouth from talking. 

Of course I felt 100% stupid and exposed in front of my class. What makes it worse is again, my anxiety, won’t let me let it go. I’ve spent the better part of 24 hours stewing about what I overshared. 

The worst part is that I have 4 more weeks with these people and I feel terrible. I went so far to email the instructor and tell her I was sorry for my actions and that I hope the class can move past it as well. The part that’s even worse than that, is this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I think it might be a condition I’m suffering from. 

Is there such a thing? Facing my class this week isn’t going to be easy. I’m hoping for the best. This group is generally pretty open minded and kind. I just feel colossally stupid. 

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Meditation and me

I have always had a sordid relationship with meditation. I’ve had an extremely difficult time quieting my mind, pretty much my whole life. I am a very analytical person, and extremely sensitive to the world around me. This makes for difficult meditation sessions.

I’m currently taking some classes for a certification, and at some point we are asked to do a 30 day meditation “challenge”. It’s really just doing it for 30 straight days, for a minimum of 10 minutes. I’ve had several months to complete this task, but have procrastinated in beginning. I want to do it, but I know that it will be very challenging to me because my brain is pretty much a blender at all times. Stopping that swirling mess and quieting the motor, even for 10 minutes is not the easiest of things. It requires a lot of self-determination and lately, I’ve just simply been too distractible to even begin.

When I do decide that I’m going to do this thing that is looming over me, I’ll blog about my progress and lack thereof. I just know that a big part of my trepidation is focusing, even for 10 minutes, on something other than things I need to do…

As always, thanks for reading and I’ll be back soon!

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Meltdowns

Meltdowns come in a variety of forms and permutations. Children have them because they cannot articulate their needs in appropriate ways. Teens and young adults have them because they’re riddled with confusing hormones and conflicting needs. We adults have them too. In my case, it was because there were a million little things that build up over time. Eventually I get to the breaking point and I lose my shit. I end up yelling and crying, usually at my husband. Sometimes he’s the catalyst, and sometimes he isn’t, but more often than not he’s the target of the explosion.

I’ve gotten a lot better as I’ve gotten older. My meltdowns used to be MUCH worse for the person that ended up getting the full force of my wrath. What’s worse is that I used to be a “stuffer”. I’d stuff my feelings down and swallow them until there was just no room left inside me to stuff another feeling, until I exploded over someone. Too many times my roommate or boyfriend would be the sad soul to get the brunt of it. However, in many cases my then-boyfriend was the cause of much of my frustration.

These days my meltdowns are fewer and less devastating to both me and the other person. I’ve learned to try and communicate my feelings about situations as they arise and in a more constructive manner. Of course, we are all human, and I’m certainly not perfect. I’m a work in progress just as any other. So when I say I had a pretty gnarly meltdown yesterday, trust me, it was not pretty.

I’ve been harboring some feelings in the hopes that they would somehow subside, or that I could mentally deal with them and move on. Unfortunately, that just hasn’t been the case. Instead, there have just been more and more things to pile up on top of the heap. Of course the final straw was something that really shouldn’t have been as big as it was, but once I started yelling, it was all over.

Dinner was that final straw.

I was hungry, tired, frustrated, and still had not dealt with some underlying feelings and when I tried to talk about it, I got some arguing back and that was it. But really, what made me snap was about dinner.

So obviously, I’ve got a lot to work on as days go on. It was good that I was finally able to speak my piece though, albeit loudly with some tears. I feel a little lighter and that we can go forward from where we have been spinning. I don’t know that my husband feels exactly the same way, but I know he was able to say how he’s been feeling about certain things, and I hope we’ve come to a space of understanding.

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