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True Connections
Knowledge
While chatting with a close friend this week, we were discussing a class I was taking. She said something off the cuff, along the lines of “Well, you are addicted to school”. I laughed and replied something such as “I’ve got an insatiable thirst for learning. School, can screw off”. This exchange really got me thinking though, about quests, especially for knowledge.
Successful business people, scientists, and expert musicians all have something in common- the drive and dedication to become masters of their field. Their approaches and motivation will surely differ, the focus and relentless pursuit of mastery are the same. The business person might go to college and obtain an MBA, or the scientist will pursue an advanced degree in their field of study. The musician may spend thousands and thousands of hours practicing, honing, and even receiving formal instruction for their craft. They each have their attention on doing their thing, and who knows what had to be sacrificed to attain their goal, whatever it may be.
Not only is the motivation assuredly different between the above examples, but their WHY is almost assured to differ as well. The person in business could be motivated by money or status, recognition in their industry. The scientist could be searching for a specific cure or treatment, researching everything they can, to learn about a specific ailment or category of science. The musician may also be seeking recognition, but also perfection in their performances or some aspect of their particular instrument.
Discovering something that you’re passionate about is often quite a chore for the average person. Pursuing the pinnacle of that passion, is largely unattainable for most folks. Sadly, the desire to earn a living and care for our families, often takes the front seat to our passions, which may or may not pay the bills. Turning a passion into an income is a double edged sword itself, since when you find your passion and then it becomes a job, it then becomes work. Generally, things that are “work” are rarely “fun”. How many stories have we heard about people monetizing their passions, only to burn out and burn it to the ground? I am a living example of that. My retail store and serving my community were my passion. I loved that work with every fiber of my being. However, I had no idea the level of stress that it placed on me (my own doing, absolutely), until it finally stopped. I used to wake up in the middle of the night in a full-on panic attack from the stress. It didn’t register how toxic it was, until the store closed. I am often nostalgic about that time and place in my life. However, there’s no way that we’d have survived the pandemic shutdowns, or the economic uncertainty that has followed these last several years. I’m truly grateful for the spot on my timeline, but I am also so grateful that it ended.
So what have I been doing these last several years, besides living through the most unique and bizarre time of my lifetime? Questing. Outside of my survival mode, is the person who needs a quest to feel unstuck. My motivation comes from action and learning is the best way to move me to action. During the covid shutdowns, I purchased a class that I only watched a few lessons on, because I was distracted with my full time remote job, my family (including a preschool/kindergarten aged youngster, and one getting ready for and starting high school), and all the feelings of uncertainty, unrest, instability, and overall weariness from not only the pandemic, but the George Floyd uprising in my community, the PTSD from my previous relationship’s catastrophic end, the end of my business, moving across the country….you name it. Needless to say, I did not complete that course at that time. But I did complete it. Last month, I dedicated my time and energy to finishing the course and my certification. Before wrapping that up, I decided to sign up for another course, which I completed almost in the same week as the first one. I also started a third certification course this week, which is where the conversation with my friend came in.
Outlining these things isn’t to brag about my “accomplishments”. Far from it. Rather, it’s because I’ve rekindled a long forgotten passion of mine, one that I had for many years. Moving back to the city I grew up in, from my birthplace and home for more than two decades, has sparked a number of things in me that have allowed me to rekindle parts of my life that I’d all but forgotten about entirely. I feel, in some ways, like moving back here was a homecoming of sorts. In my youth, I couldn’t get away from here fast enough, back to the Southwestern United States. When I got there I realized that the Midwest wasn’t as awful as I thought. However, the climate change was welcome. I hate snow so very much.
Moving back to the Midwest in 2019 though, as a person who never drove in this city (I was 15 when we moved away) and with a very limited view, I realize that I missed out on a lot of really interesting things. That’s not to say that I didn’t have an interesting life in my younger years, because I absolutely did. As a grown up, I’m able to revisit those experiences and places from my youth, and either experience them fully and appreciate them differently, or as has been the case, see the experience through fresh eyes with my child. She has been able to see and experience many of the things that I did, and things I wished I could have done in my childhood. It’s been quite fulfilling to wrap up these memories in a different way, or see them from the lens of adulthood. I truly believe that this has been part of the quest all along, coming home to MYSELF. Home, for me, isn’t a place. I’ve never lived anywhere long enough to feel a sense of home, outside of the city I live(d) in. But this knowledge and experience has fanned the spark of my passions anew.
Those passions, my insatiable thirst for knowledge, and revisiting ancient memories, have really allowed me to develop a deeper sense of self and of who I am in this body. I haven’t changed really. As an aside, I think we are all forever changed by covid and it’s a collective trauma that will mark our species for generations. But it gave me and my family, amidst the horror and tragedy that unfolded, an opportunity to grow closer in many ways. It allowed me to think about what I want from this experience. I recognize that many people were not so privileged and my heart goes out to those who experienced profound loss and destruction to their lives. I carry that weight with me as not only a human on this earth, but as an empathic person who can feel the sorrows around me. My experience of learning and growing was not always the shared experience. I am still healing and working through the last 6 years of my life. I’m certain many of us, even before covid, had something that was unhealed. Coming home to myself has been instrumental in that. Learning and growing in my knowledge, experience, and certifications has bolstered the feelings of satisfaction, renewal, and connection I have within myself. My spiritual practices have deepened significantly, through learning and practice. I’ve connected more intently with my sangha, through learning and taking on greater responsibilities. My spiritual connection to my family has deepened as well. Both my husband and our kiddo have fully embraced the teachings and practices of our Buddhist tradition, whereas previous partners of mine, had no such desire. Sharing my spiritual life with those closest to me has been such a wonderful experience.
I see all of the learning, growing, advancing, sharing, connecting, and all the other facets of finding (again) my passions and coming home to myself more fully, as the ultimate quest. My personal quest of fulfillment and authenticity, connection and creativity. I also think that my brand of neuro-spicy simply needs to KNOW EVERYTHING. That also helps in the questing department. I wish you all the luck on your personal quests, whatever they are. I truly hope they are fulfilling and create a sense of “home” within you.
Thanks for reading.
Independence
This week, we in the United States, experienced Independence Day. It’s supposed to be a celebration of our separation from the British monarchy. Without getting too political here, I’m not so sure we are actually all that separated from any sort of Authoritarian rule, and we may see a return to something resembling a monarchy someday. Things are getting weird here.
Anyway, that’s not what this is post is about. Instead, the concept of independence at all, is the topic of this entry. There are no independent factors in an ecosystem. The sun allows plants to photosynthesize, the water to carry nutrients, the insects feed on, spread the seeds and/or pollen for plant propagation, other animals feed on those insects, other animals feed on those animals and so on. No one that survives does it completely alone. We, even as humans, are critically DEPENDENT on other beings. The beings who produce the organisms we eat, the insects, the decomposers who deal with the decaying matter, and everything in between. We are dependent on on another too. As babies, we are under developed and fragile. We need safe and appropriate caretakers (the jury is often out on that one) not only to carry us around and feed us, but to teach us things as well. Culture, mores, norms, methods of communication, how and where to find food, what food even IS… these are all things we learn very young from the people in charge of us. That’s wildly dependent for a bunch of years, unheard of in the remainder of the animal kingdom. Other primates don’t care directly for their young for nearly as long, nor do any other mammals on the planet. We are quite unique in that way, just how intensely dependent we are and for as long.
As a Buddhist, I understand INTERdependence. So not only are we dependent, but we are all mutually dependent on one another. It’s a two-way street, you see. I am dependent on others, who are also and generally equally, dependent on me. That’s not to say we are responsible for the care and upkeep of every living thing we come across, because that’s not sustainable. It does mean that we are all in this together and nobody is above needing others to help them out. We need the air, water, plants, insects, etc. We also need the fellow inhabitants on this rock to not destroy the resources we all have to share. This last bit some people struggle with, I think. These resources that are available for us all, we have to share them. Instead, we’ve commodified basic life sustaining elements, like clean air and water. It’s really a shame. Sure, it’s not likely that we’d have moved from hunter-gatherers to what we have now, without commodifying basic needs. But now we have shit like credit scores and taxes, paying for water, when we probably could have gone a different way.
Since our planet is careening toward the 6th mass extinction, what can we do? I mean, obviously our species, and many we share the Earth with, are not going to make it without some drastic changes. Our stubborn humans generally don’t want to admit there is a problem, or can’t decide who has to be responsible for it. As individuals, we have choices, however. We vote for the world we want to live in, with every dollar we spend. We can choose to use those bucks wisely, and make better, more sustainable choices. The disposable nature of the society we’ve created, requires us to forget our connectedness.
Finding people who are on a similar path, helps to build community and additional resources for us. We can choose to recognize that we are here for the same reasons, and we are all deserving of respect, even if we don’t agree ideologically. We all want to feel successful in our lives, find meaning in our families or chosen families, and want to pursue happiness in whatever forms make sense. But I encourage us to also internalize the idea that none of us are islands unto ourselves and we need one another to make it. Not just as a species, but as members of the species. We don’t want our lives cut short, typically. This means we have to work together, especially in the ever-changing world. We have to find our people and work together. Create the villages we all know we need. Things don’t seem to be getting easier in many ways, even with all the technology we can and will develop. Nothing can take the place of connection and interconnectedness.
Thank you for reading.
Exhaustion
To say that adulting is exhausting right now, would be the understatement of the century. Even being a kid is an endless string of activities, events, play dates, tests, and whatever. Many of us are chronically sleep deprived to start with, but what about the emotional and spiritual toll this modern world lays on us? How does chronic sleep deprivation factor into these elements, and how do we get out of the ruts in which we find ourselves? I can assure you, we are not going to “self care” our way through the feelings of dread, dissatisfaction, loneliness, anger, loss, shame, frustration… or much else. The whole idea that we can find salvation in a product, concept, or idea, has been the biggest of the big lies of human history. But really though, how do we find it? Asking for a friend.
There has to be a balance struck again, if ever there was one, in our daily lives. For instance, I get up VERY early every morning, so that I have time to collect my thoughts before the action of the day, especially weekdays. I have about 1-2 hours before the house starts to wake up. I’m able to read the news, make coffee, do some yoga or meditate, catch up on social media, and maybe even get some breakfast. I wake the kiddo up for school, and we are off to the races from there, until bedtime for us both. By 8:30pm, I’m soooo ready for bed. That’s just the regular schedule we have. It’s summer break now, so things are a little different. I still get up with the sun, and want to crawl into bed at the same time as always. I definitely like a routine. However, the last several days have been different. Perhaps it’s the humidity where we live, or that our school-year routine has been disrupted, but I can say I’ve been walking around like a zombie. I’ve been doing some learning courses in the early mornings, and the kiddo has been in summer mode, sleeping in typically. I’m way too high strung to sleep in or take naps. I’ve been an insomniac as long as I can remember. The balance to the crazy days are those moments of quiet in the morning; rarely is anyone up with me, save for the dog. I can attest that this week has been a challenge to find that balance, since the kiddo has also been fighting a summer cold, waking up early in the mornings, and struggling to get to sleep at night for the same reason. I’m grateful that I’ve been available to attend to the illness and a kiddo who needs me, but losing the balance time has been noticeable.
In contrast, it has taken me decades to get to this place of understanding rhythms. I’m a routine-oriented, Type-A, highly anxious human being, so “relaxing” isn’t something that comes naturally to me. My version of it is cleaning the kitchen or sitting here at my desk writing. I spend about an hour or so on the couch in the evenings with my family, generally unwinding from the day, but even then, I’m typically multitasking on my phone. It’s the main time that I get to see my husband, as he often works longs days away from home, while I work at home and chauffeur a small human to and from school.
But why? Why is it so hard for me to wind down? Probably the same reasons that you and many other people do. We are overstimulated, overworked, overtired, while simultaneously undervalued, and under-connected with. It’s a wild dichotomy and how we found ourselves here is a modern human invention. It didn’t have to be this way. I’m not someone who has nostalgia for the hunter-gatherer days, by any stretch. I enjoy not being a nomad (in some ways), having a permanent home, and being able to have that routine I speak so highly of. I like modern conveniences for stuff, too. However, at the same time, I loathe the idea of credit scores and preventable wars, billionaires and their race to the stars. I’m pretty much over most of it.
This leads me back to balance and exhaustion. It’s fucking exhausting living in the modern age. We are distracted, disconnected from everything that matters, and more diseased than ever. There has to be some sort of balance. We have to find the simplicity and joy of connection, focus, and love. If we come from a place of love and connection, all things are possible, in my opinion. Obviously, peace and love aren’t going to get the richest among us to pay more in taxes or end world hunger anytime soon. I’m not delusional. However, it’ll make our time on this rock suck marginally less, and give us the community of friends, family, and neighbors that we so desperately need. We will make connections with those around us, help us find support during the hard times, and have folks to celebrate with us during the times we need to throw a parade for our successes. It makes every single thing suck less, to not be an island. It’s the love and connections that will get us through.
One of my besties literally just called me, while she is on a weekend trip with longtime friends and family, to tell me about a win she just received. A 30 second phone call to say “Hey I got the great news in an email just now, and I had to share it with you”. I told her how amazing I thought it was, and told her congratulations. That was it. Love you, bye. End of call. This is the shit we need. People in our corner to fight and celebrate with us, so we can help each other carry the weight of the crazy world. This is how we strike the balance between overwhelming existential dread and a throwing fucking party. Also, as a brief aside, surround yourself with people who fill your cup up, recharge your batteries, and give a crap about you, as often as humanly possible. The alternative is miserable- 0/10- Do Not Recommend. Not only will we find better balances in our lives, but we will find the drain far less exhausting to endure. Life is short, fill as many moments as possible with love and compassion.
Thank you for reading
Mind Fullness
When I was 19 years old, I had my first real, life-pausing panic attack. I was living in my first apartment with my best friend from high school. I worked two jobs, as I have for much of my life, to make ends meet in that awful little cave. The cave was on the second floor, right above the apartment managers. They didn’t trust a pair of teenagers on their own for the first time. How could they, we were teenagers on our own for the first time. I was beyond broke, even with two jobs, so I did not have a car. I walked and relied on the bus for most transit. My night job required me to bum a ride from a coworker, my roommate, or friends that could be in the area, as the bus that went to my house didn’t go that far, that late. The “reason” for this panic attack was that I had missed the bus after my morning job, by only moments, to get to my night job. Because of the day of the week, there wouldn’t be another bus going all the way to my night job for over an hour. I went back into my day job and used the phone (this was before cell phones were really a thing) and called out due to transportation issues. The manager there already didn’t much like me, so I was hanging by a thread. I caught the next bus home, and as I was walking from the bus stop the half mile to my apartment, my mind could not stop racing. The blender, as I call it, was on overdrive- catastrophic thoughts spinning around, until finally about a block from home, I broke. I was crying hysterically, couldn’t breathe, could barely keep walking in the state I was in. My chest hurt. I called my mom as soon as I got in, since she’s in the medical field. I was positive that I was having the heart attack I’d joked about for years. The joke was that I wouldn’t make it out of my teens, that I’d give myself a heart attack before then. I had dreams of not making it to 20 years old. I was on borrowed time anyway, right? Fuck it. Rock it ‘til the wheels fall off! And here they were, falling off, and I’m sobbing to my mom that I think I’m dying. She talked me down, and told me she would talk to me later that evening. I felt like death. I was having muscle spasms and was still laboring to breathe naturally. I wasn’t convinced that I wasn’t dying, but I did my best to calm down and think about what I was going to do. I never was able to stop the panic attacks completely from happening. But I have a much better handle on them now that I’m in my 40s.
A long time ago, I read somewhere that anxiety is living in the future, depression is living in the past. I’m not talking diagnoses here, but the feelings of anxiety and depression. Side note: If you think you have disorders regarding either of those conditions, I urge you to seek medical advice as soon as possible. Medical providers have made my struggles with both anxiety and depression more manageable.
Anxiety or worry are often created by focusing on what is going to happen, what hasn’t happened yet, catastrophic feelings of worst-case scenarios swirling around the old brain bucket. Sadness often arises from feelings of what could have been, should have been, loss, lack, and even sometimes jealousy of how things transpired for someone else or how you were wronged in some way. Neither of these states are living in the NOW. The right here and right now. Mindfulness is one way to combat the feelings of “not yet”, or “passed me by”.
I started my mindfulness and spirituality journey when I was 13 or 14 years old. I started reading books on earth religious traditions like the Celts, Druids, and Pagans of Europe. I studied these traditions for several years, until I got busy and had to focus on daily life for a while. This “break” is where the panic attacks started. In my early 20’s I found books and teachers of Eastern philosophies like, Tao, Tibetan Buddhism, and Japanese Buddhism. Here, I found my way to Jodo Shinshu Buddhism of Japan. Throughout all of these traditions, awareness, mindfulness, clarity, some form of meditation or chanting are commonplace. I believe that many of these words we use to describe the spiritual practices, are effectively a different method of the same ideas. Zen schools meditate- sometimes chanting, sometimes silent. There are Zen lineages that practice walking meditation as well. Jodo Shinshu Buddhists don’t focus on meditation so much as group chanting. Pagans from many cultures chant, dance, pray, and focus their minds on certain tasks or thoughts. There are thousands of years of history in humanity where some form of mindfulness, chanting, meditation, or prayer are part of spirituality or devotion. Even in the Abrahamic faith traditions there is chanting, singing, or group prayer of some kind. I genuinely believe that our modern world has stripped much of this spiritual connection from us as a collective.
I was listening to an audiobook recently about Transcendental Meditation. They conducted an experiment years ago to see if collective meditation had an effect on the world around us. The idea was that everyone in the experiment meditate at home or work/school, at an appointed time to see what happened. They did this every day for a period of time. What the studies showed is that even for several days after the meditations, there was a reduction of violence and crime in the areas surrounding the meditators. That’s a pretty powerful finding, where a collective resonance on peace could amplify to others who were not even remotely involved with the exercise. We have within us, the power to change the world, we just don’t realize it. Focusing on the here and now, feels really short sighted for someone like me. I’m naturally skeptical and data driven in almost all things. But focusing on now doesn’t mean forget to plan for later. It simply means to not get bogged down in later, or before, and forget that life is Happening Now. It isn’t happening 5 minutes ago. That’s in the past. It’s not happening in 5 minutes. That hasn’t gotten here yet. Your life, my life, our lives are happening RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.
Right now, I am writing this blog post. It is later than I had anticipated and had planned for. But earlier this week, happening now happened. In a previous life, I’d have been really hard on myself for “slacking” on my responsibility, had I found myself in the place I am now with this writing. I’d have taken time away from my family or the class I’ve been taking, to crank this out days ago, had I focused on a strict deadline for myself. I believe that both of these scenarios would have been a detriment to the content of this post, truthfully. Had I not completed my class, I may have had a different perspective on this post, or had written something else entirely. I found meaning and joy in that course, as well as the exercises it contained. I have a clarity in perspective that I didn’t have a couple days ago. I had a mediation on Thursday that really opened my heart and mind in ways I find difficult to explain. And because I focused a lot of energy into that course, even though I’ve been meditating for more than two decades in some form or fashion, I am now a certified meditation teacher. It feels good to have completed the course and had the experience. But something had to shift for my focus to be on that. Writing this blog was part of that trade-off. I have one more certification that I am currently working on, but that will take a bit more time to wrap up. In the fall, I plan to take another meditation course, certifying myself in some other techniques that I hope to master. All of this to say that 1) I have allowed myself the grace and space to recognize that in the now I am writing, which I love more than many things, as well as understanding sometimes I cannot have the diligence I would like, and that’s ok, and 2) personal growth is not a linear process, and I have found much of my own growth through mindfulness, spirituality, and shitloads of trial and error. Finally, 3) you, my readers, are not going to care if my blog post is an hour later to be delivered, than it was last week. Right? Right. Nobody is going to hate me for that.
For those keeping track, I made it past 19 years old. None of my panic attacks killed me, though I felt like they might, and there have been many (many, many) over the last few decades. I can attribute that to a myriad of things, people, circumstances, and just plain luck. I’m grateful for that. To have fizzled out at such a young age, I’d have missed some of the best and absolute worst days of my life. I am looking forward to more of both, while I’m experiencing the right now, right here.
Thanks for reading, and I hope that you find value in me sharing my experiences.
