Whomever thought to give humans free will was the architect of the cruelest and sickest joke of all time. In reality, we have little more than patterns we’ve learned and a few sucky choices. When presented with a tough choice, how many times have they been choices you’re excited or happy about? I can’t think of many examples. Freedom of choice is also often paralyzing for humans. Our paleo brains are just not wired to choose between 17 types of cereal.
More to my point though, is that we typically fall prey to our patterns. It could be subconscious, environmental, or learned patterns from our upbringing or elsewhere. Despite our best efforts, humans fall into these patterns and it’s incredibly challenging, even under the best circumstances and motivations, to break them.
For instance, one of my patterns, and there are many I’ve identified, is that when things get overwhelming, too stressful, or intense, I shut down. That’s right. Brain off, decision making ability, higher cognitive processes, all shut off. I sometimes get a glazed look over my eyes and have a hard time speaking coherently. Obviously, this is an extreme example of what happens under real duress for me. Yet, I’ve tried to work through it, because typically these situations are predicated by an extreme argument with someone in my close circle. Though, I’ve made little more than a dent. It’s possible I learned this as a child, or young adult, or it could also be the result of PTSD due to an abusive relationship in my late 20’s. Regardless of WHERE, the WHAT still remains.
I have read countless books on joy, happiness, shame, guilt, and more human behaviors than I can shake a stick at. Still, I fall prey to conditioning and thought patterns. Even this blog is an example. When life gets complicated, I take some time away, rather than leaning in to my writing.
When I’m tired and hungry, I get short tempered, and lash out when people frustrate me. When my dogs are being jerks, I have my “go-to” reaction of putting them in their kennels until they settle down, rather than sussing out the problem. Humans are too stretched and too overwhelmed to deal with some of our problems of modernity, so to cut corners, we fall into patterns.
Stereotypes are a prime example for patterns, because in groups of people, our brains seek out the similarities, as exactly a shortcut. These shortcuts become wired into our neurons because it’s easier than forming new ones all the time. As we keep using those neuro-pathways, we strengthen them, creating even more difficulty breaking the thought cycles. Quite literally, it’s how we are wired over and over again.
Contrary to all this, it’s been my personal mission to “go the other way”. Yes, I fall into conditioned responses and trust me when I say, I’m a creature of habit. However, I do my absolute best to be on the other side of these things. I have spent enough time in therapy to recognize that while I WANT to run away when things get messy, I call it out, as I’m doing here right now, and go the other way. I want to LEAN IN, instead of running away. It’s important that we do things that we are uncomfortable doing as often as possible (safety concerns notwithstanding). Breaking those habits, creating new neuro-pathways, and MAKING DIFFERENT CHOICES is how we grow and change. It’s how we become better people by and large. That’s one of my personal missions, becoming better than I was yesterday. We do that by making the hard choices to go the other way whenever possible and forming new pathways to travel in our heads.
Today, I choose happy instead of comfortable. I choose love over anger and frustration.
Thanks for reading.
