How does one separate something that has taken years to build? It could have taken 2 years, or 20, but each day you added bricks and build a foundation, walls, windows… it develops into a fortress to protect you from the world. This fortress is supposed to be impenetrable. It shields all the inhabitants inside. So how, and where, does one even start to take it down? Do you burn the drawbridge? Trebuchet the shit out of the exterior? It’s hard to know, I guess. Circumstances often dictate the destruction of your fort.
But what do you do if you’re not mad, but have simply decided that this fort is shit, and you don’t want to live there anymore? Do you attempt to keep the status quo until arrangements change? Do you still burn the drawbridge and trebuchet the exterior? What about a volatile situation? What then? When inside the fortress is nothing but pure chaos, and there’s fires everywhere? How does one process getting everyone to safety? What does safety even look like, when you’re bed is in flames? Are there really any survivors? Nobody escapes totally unscathed, right?
And there’s the long division. Strangely enough, if you never unpack, it’s easier to move. But now, we must sift through every. single. thing. to determine what belongs to whom, or who gets it in the dividing process. Then, there’s the others in the fortress… what becomes of them? The friends? You know everyone chooses sides, whether or not they consciously chose a side. Even family chooses sides, despite best efforts. It’s like we drew a line, and everyone decides which side they’ll forever stand on.
What I’ve determined is the worst of all, is the feeling of sudden emptiness. Loneliness. You once had a sounding board to share in your trials and triumphs with. Now, there’s friends or family, but it’s not the same. I want to share my joys and sorrows with someone who is in the fortress WITH me. We are fighting on the same side, in the same battles. People outside the fort, they just can’t appreciate the inner workings of your brain and heart, without first having to explain yourself. That is fucking exhausting. Constantly going over the same stuff, all the time. I just want to have my heart safely in the hands of someone I don’t have to “preface” with. New is positively exciting. Electric. But old, it’s comforting, familiar. That’s not to say I want a damn thing to do with this decaying rubble, but there’s something to be said for the familiar.
My heart aches for what it doesn’t have. My mind longs for a simple life. My intuition knows that this has expired and that it’s no longer home for me. Now what do I do with myself?
For those of you that have read the first couple of posts in this blog, you know that it was partly sparked by the book The Happiness Project. This book prompted me to write out goals in clear ways and hold myself accountable/ document my progress. This blog has helped tremendously and I’m actually a little surprised that I’m still sticking with it. I’ve got a couple other blogs that I’m not nearly as dedicated to. I think that may be part of the nature of the beast though, in that I’m constantly doing something to improve my life, whereas I’m not constantly doing things that apply to those particular blogs. Sounds like I’ve got some work to do…
Anyway, as part of the book, the author wrote a manifesto. Yes, a real life manifesto. I think most successful people have done this very thing, I should maybe get on that too… but I digress. Here’s her manifesto:
A Happiness Manifesto
-To be happy, you need to consider feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.
-One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
-The days are long, but the years are short.
-You’re not happy unless you think you’re happy.
-Your body matters.
-Happiness is other people.
-Think about yourself so you can forget yourself.
-“It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.”—G. K. Chesterton
-What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you, and vice versa.
-Best is good, better is best.
-Outer order contributes to inner calm.
-Happiness comes not from having more, not from having less, but from wanting what you have.
-You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.
-“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” —Robert Louis Stevenson
-You manage what you measure.
Many of these points in the manifesto (I just love that word) apply quite specifically to the goals I’ve set out to achieve this year. She just uses different words for many of the items I’ve checked off the list or am currently working on. I guess checked off the list isn’t the right term, since, I’m constantly working on every goal I’ve laid out.
A couple of these things I’d like to bring attention to though, primarily “you manage what you measure”, “happiness is about other people” and “you’re not happy unless you think you’re happy”.
You manage what you measure- this one fits perfectly into my concept of holding myself accountable for the work that needs to be done in this adventure. If it can’t be measured, or at the very least compared to previous ways of acting or thinking, there’s never going to be progress. I had to keep this in mind a lot this year. Even if it’s biting my tongue where I normally wouldn’t, or leaving a conversation that is not getting anywhere. Comparing it to previous ways of thinking and behaving is a measurable way of showing progress. Progress is essential. Otherwise you’re just spinning your wheels.
Happiness is about other people- as described in the book as well as this blog and in my head, doesn’t mean external happiness through other people, but that if you strive to be happy in the presence of others and strive to aid them in whatever ways possible, THAT is a major source of great happiness. I love helping others and making their days brighter. It makes me feel good too. Plus, if you’re radiating happiness, other people will be attracted to that.
You’re not happy unless you think you’re happy- has been a big stress factor for me. Other people in my life SAY they’re happy but come off as truly miserable much of the time. But on the flip side, I often feel down or stressed out, but I make it a point to do it with a smile. As mentioned previously in posts, people cannot figure out how stupid and bad things can happen to me, but I’m smiling, although I said I was furious at the time. I feel less like crap when I’m smiling, and even if I’m furious, I have to laugh… otherwise I may scream or cry. There have been times where I’ve had to excuse myself from situations to do either of those things… scream or cry. But those times are getting to be fewer as time goes on and I’m able to smile more through the pain.
My destiny is to be happy and to help others. I know very clearly where I’m headed, the path is exactly paved for me. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t speed bumps, potholes and detours. I can accept that and I embrace it. That is why life is called a journey. If it were easy, it’d be called a stroll. I find myself hiking up and down cliffs a lot, but through all the struggles and heartbreaks, there’s nothing in this world that I’d trade it for. Even through my fury and deepest sadness, I love my life. I love that I can fall, get tossed and crushed, simply to pick myself up off the ground and slowly trudge on. When I see people coping with incredible adversity and struggling, yet do it with a smile and grace, I remember that this is the key to a truly happy life. The strength to get up every day, to go on, to pick yourself up from the gutter, and to embrace the beauty and lessons that life has given you… that is true happiness. Happiness within yourself. The strength to continue experiencing it. With a smile.
