As all of the readers of this blog know, I typically don’t allow *quite* this long go between posts. There’s often “inconsistency”, as anyone who’s read it, knows. But this long, is long. I’m sorry for my silence through the vast majority of this year. As we all recognize, 2020 has been nothing short of a train wreck. However, I’m un/fortunate to have only had a short time of unemployment. So, I’ve remained, largely, the same busy and distracted working parent you (all 3-4 of you) know and like.
Edit: 4/13/22- For reasons I can’t understand, the rest of this blog was lost? Removed? I don’t know. But it’s gone and surely something was said about keeping our heads up in uncertain times, or it’s only temporary. However, from the future in which I’ve come to, I can’t say things are so rosy. It’s a sad truth how I felt back then in 2020, and where I am now mentally in 2022, are simply miles apart. Sorry this wasn’t a better edit or update. Just keeping things transparent.
I share this timeless ditty with those of my readers whom are of a similar ilk. Those of you in love with new wave and the likes of you whom, as adults, dream of hitting the bricks more than you ever did as a youngster.
My day dreams consist of freeing myself of this ugly world, and traveling amongst the waves. My dreams at night are focused on simply change and making the surroundings different from what they currently are. Both are indicative of not just my wanderlust, of which I have to a ridiculous degree, but also my desire to just not live on this planet anymore. If I were equipped to be an astronaut, I’d be out of this world by now.
There is currently too much sadness for me to accept. There is too much injustice for me to know how to manage. There is too much apathy for me to stomach. There is too much heartbreak to fathom. I am truly unable to take it all in and I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown.
That breakdown would not have been completely, though largely, due to most recent events. But rather, years of compounded fear, lack, frustration, hopelessness, and need. The murder of George Floyd 10 minutes from where I currently call home is just the sadness cherry on a pile of trash.
Don’t get me wrong, however. I have been nothing if not genuine when I say that I have a beautiful life. I’ve been fortunate enough to do many of the things I’ve set out to do, from the mundane to the miraculous. I love my life. I’ve grown to truly appreciate and LOVE the life I’ve been given. Hardships and all. Yet, lately, more than I have in probably two decades, find myself wanting to check out. Not suicide, just feeling overwhelmed with sadness and without hope that things around us will get better. I’m so ashamed of my country and the state I live in, and honestly, the state I’m from too. They all suck right now, and I’m bordering on hating them.
I am ashamed that America is rife with injustices that I’ll never ever comprehend. I was born a white female, so I acknowledge my privilege outright in that. I was not born to wealthy parents or family. Quite the opposite actually. But my skin color has not negatively impacted they way I walk about this earth. I’m grateful, with a tinge of guilt. I didn’t choose this life or body. And I feel as though I’ve fought on the right side of justice in all things. I have always stood up for the right things. Injustices I see everywhere. I have fought for women, people of color, marriage equality, and animals in every moment of activism. Even in unconscious moments, like while buying things, I buy fair trade and organic because the earth and it’s inhabitants all DESERVE better.
But I’m still guilty of being a privileged white female American. And I hate it. And I’m also grateful that I’m able to speak to power on behalf of others. I am and I do whenever possible.
I’m just so damn sick of fighting and seeing no results. People are still slaughtering other sentient beings every day. Human and animals alike are fodder to the larger structures and systems, and I’m exhausted and angry. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. It sucks. It sucks that I’m doing my best with what I have, and what I have is a shit sandwich. I feel like a bad mom for being angry and frustrated and hopeless. So what do I personally do when I feel like the world is crumbling (literally and figuratively)? I want to run away.
When I see there’s just no point in fighting any longer, I want to leave. I want to sell all my worldly possessions and emigrate to a deserted island somewhere warm and beautiful. I want to commune with the ocean and the sky. To feel the salty air on my skin and breeze on my face. I want to leave not out of desperation, as I did in my teens, but out of expanse and connection with something majestic. Something away from the bullshit of modern life. Something bigger.
Thanks for reading and feel free to share where you want to run away to, if you want to run at all, in the comments.
If 2019 was the year of forced growth, what the hell, exactly is 2020. According to a random astrology article that I cannot recall the link to, it’s time to bear down through some painful times, to create the world that’s coming next. The article referenced a lot of ‘childbearing’ imagery, which I’m sure is lost on some. Personally, I know exactly what they’re talking about, but I’ll spare the details here. The synopsis is this: we are at a pivotal time in history, in human existence, and for the earth. We are shifting from one ‘age’ to another, metaphysically, and things are getting weird. There’s going to be a whole lot of changes, especially because last year basically kicked our asses out of our ruts and into the unknown.
So, we survived the ass kicking. Now what? We, as humans, and as celestial beings have the distinct privilege of shaping the world around us every day. We put energy out, we receive energy, we take actions, lather, rinse, repeat. This year, like none other in my personal lifetime, we are faced with a lot of energy, emotions, and polarized factions all around us. Yes, there’s been turmoil, fueled by aggression, war, famine, etc. I’m not saying that we aren’t living in arguably the safest time of human history (because we are, and it’s well documented), but now, the issue is that we as a society have become apathetic, due largely to the fact that we are tired. We’re distracted by our lives, our responsibilities, and technology. We’re focused on staying above water in uncertain tides with politics, our jobs, and more.
I feel like it’s worth mentioning that 1) I’m in this same boat, and 2) it’s by no means a judgement on anyone. It’s just absolute fact that we are all tired and distracted. Plus, like never before, it’s all being captured by the media and individuals, then edited and spit back at us in record time. the 24 hour news cycle had no clue that it was going to go this far, this fast. But I digress. We made it here, now what? If I, a simple writer, had any clue, I’d never have to worry about anything ever again. However, I can say this: things are rapidly shifting, and if society doesn’t snap out of it, those loud, shit-stirrers of the world, will be the ones shaping every aspect of the planet (and beyond). Do we, as individuals, want the loudest and most annoying voices on any side of any conflict whatsoever, to be the guideposts? Or do we want those of us falling somewhere in the middle area, where 99% of the populace live, to have a hand in the world we create for our children and grandchildren? I’m leaning toward the latter. I want my kid to have clean air, a chance at an education, safe food, healthcare when she needs it, opportunities I didn’t have, valuable and exciting work, relative physical safety, and maybe even some money stashed for when she gets old.
Nobody can have these things if we are divided up, and fighting each other. Nobody but the wealthiest of the wealthy, that is, who hoard resources from the public, and tell us its for our own good. What’s good for us, ALL OF US, are systems and institutions that work for all of us. Those of us in the United States, we have the opportunity this year to decide the direction of our political establishment. Beyond that, because this is by no means a “political” post or blog, we have to decide every single day what world we are creating. Is it one of fear and lack, or is it one of harmony and abundance. I choose love, personally, and gratitude. I radiate love, gratefulness, and light into the dark places. It’s only by shining light that darkness can be changed.
Sending love and light to everyone reading this. Thank you.
As most of my readers know, I do a wrap up at the end of the year. This year, is no different in that regard. What is different this year, is that this has been one of the most challenging of the last decade. I wish it was tough for just myself, but it seems that everyone around me has experienced the year of forced growth.
While this year has been a dumpster fire personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally, and all of the other ways for the majority of us, I’m feeling more optimistic than I have been in a very long time. It’s not the saccharine bullshit fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of optimism either. I feel good, like there’s a chance for better.
Yes, a whole lot of really stupid, super awful crap has happened to me. I’ve lost everything, and managed to scrape together a beautiful life, despite it all. I know that the universe is working in all our favor, even if we can’t see it in the moment. I have faith that shit will work out, even if it’s not the way I hope/wish/expect it to. It has taken a mountain of incredible loss and soul searching for me to come to this place.
I genuinely hope that everyone reading this comes to the same realizations and that you too understand that we can all win. Life is messy and complicated and sometimes downright terrible, but there’s always hope for better, even if it just starts from within yourself.
In an ever-connected, ever-monitored, ever-watchful world, people have never been so lonely.
There’s been some emerging bodies of research around isolation and loneliness, a stark reminder that we are social animals. This article summarizes some of the research being conducted, stating that the physical and mental effects of being chronically lonely can be devastating. I’ve been reading articles from various angles fairly recently, and the science is becoming quite clear, having a consistent support network of people that value you, is really important to not just our emotional health, but mental and physical health as well.
What’s more difficult, is that our physical support systems are shrinking, creating situations where our kids, partners, and few others are becoming our ONLY social circle outside of our jobs. Even a lot of employment situations are allowing more remote work, decreasing the number of other humans throughout the day, that we come into physical proximity of. I bring this up because having situations where your only social outlet is your partner, is not only unhealthy, but unsustainable.
It’s not uncommon to see couples as their only sources of human interaction, which means you spouse is now your best friend, your counselor, your housemate, your coparent, your accountant, and also your romantic partner. I know from experience that this is even more common if you have kids. My partner and I go to work, come home, parent, and then go to bed to start over tomorrow most days. Throw in a sick kiddo, shittons of homework, and after a couple weeks, you’re all fraying around the edges.
Last week I came home one day from work, only to realize that one of the kids was the second human I’d spoken to since I started my workday ten hours earlier. I was stressed out, frazzled, and having a hard time focusing. She caught on, because kids are incredibly intuitive, and asked if I was ok. I took pause and really thought about my day. I had a very demanding day at work, where I was quite focused and accomplishing several tasks, but I hadn’t talked to anyone save for a coworker I ran into in the break room.
Thankfully, given the nature of my work, these are rare days in which I speak to no one, but even after just a single day, I was experiencing the effects. Imagine not talking to anyone for several days in a row? No thank you.
The moral of this story is that we need people. We need support from our tribes, whomever they may be. Don’t think that you have to have a huge network of people, but rather a few quality individuals that are in your circle who CARE ABOUT YOU. Be that person for someone else, too. We all need it. Our physical and mental health will thank us later.
