Tag: social media

Some thoughts on gratitude

Grateful seems such a trite simplification of what it is that I feel these days. Upon searching for synonyms for the word, thankful, beholden, pleased, and indebted came across. Still, none of these feels like the right word… Appreciative, contented, happy, satisfied, charmed… that’s getting closer.

Regardless of the triviality of the words by which we are limited, I am indeed, overcome with deep gratitude for where things are in my life. Is daily life on this rock difficult? Sure thing. Do I get worn down by the daily grind? You betcha. Do I feel a constant stirring in my gut telling me that I’m on the right path, albeit restlessly? Absofuckinglutely. There is not a fiber of my being that is telling me I should be elsewhere, for maybe the first time in my life. I am currently creating the life I’ve always dreamed of, not necessarily where I thought I would, and certainly not with whom I ever thought possible. But that’s the fun of creating something you’ve never created before. The surprises. 

I am not one to be surprised by much, simply because I have seen and done many things that are stranger than fiction. However, once in a while, I am awestruck by the strangeness that my life has become. I have been driving to work in my car, and thought to myself, “How. The Hell. Did. I. Get. Here.” I say this to my partner several times a week, it seems. How did we get here? With all the twists and turns and shake-ups… we ended up here, in this space together. It’s very bizarre. But I am grateful. 

I’m overcome with gratitude when I pick up my daughter from my sister’s house every day after work. She comes running out the door, yelling “Mommy! Mommy! You’re back!” and I tell her, “Yes, baby. I will always come back for you.” Pure bliss is on her face, so excited to see me after a long day of playing with cousins she’s just recently met, and a loving family that have been too far away until we moved across the country for better opportunities. 

I am showered in gratitude, like waves in the ocean, the feeling of love and connectedness washes over me in these simple moments. Holding my kiddo, waking up with my partner, relaxing on the couch with the dogs and cats. All of these simple joys are what my soul has needed recently, after the months of anxiety and stress, the challenges I’ve recently had to face. After losing almost everything, I can only live in a place of love and gratitude. There’s no other place to inhabit. I have been blessed with exactly the life that I’m meant to have.

And by no means is this post meant to be braggadocious. Quite the opposite, actually. I firmly believe that if I am deserving of everything my heart has truly desired, a simple, beautiful life… it can be had be anyone. We ALL DESERVE to have a simple life, full of love, devotion, gratitude and grace. We just have to let it in, and let the bullshit wash off. Happiness is a choice. The Universe WANTS that for us. We just have to choose it. I choose happy every single day. You can too.

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Like a Phoenix

After being burnt to cinders, the Phoenix of lore, rises out of the ashes and soars with renewed grace and exuberance. However, in none of these stories do they say how long it takes. Nor do they mention, how many times, exactly, this can or will happen. Does the Phoenix have nine lives, like the cat? Or is this rebirth continual, until it learns some sort of lesson about the great beyond or life on this plane? These are the questions I ask myself in fleeting thoughts when thinking about my own story. As a Buddhist, I believe that rebirth happens, until we reach enlightenment. There are spiritual disagreements in the Buddhist world, about when that can or will happen, and by what means. But the overarching belief is that yes, we can be reborn. 

In this body, I have lived many lives. These former lives I’ve inhabited seem so long ago and hazy, like a lucid dream. But I know that I lived them. I take with me from these lives, the knowledge and experiences in which formed the adult that I’ve become and will help shape the woman I’m becoming every day. It’s strange to think that once I was a child, a rebellious teenager, a young adult, a wife- twice, and now I’m none of those things. But rather, I’m a survivor, a warrior, a mother, a partner, and an empath… just to rattle off a few things that I’ve turned into over the years. 

Much of my mental space has been occupied by manifesting the life I am meant to live, since for entirely too long, I lived a life that did not excite me. I created things that excited me, a business, a network of friends, a family, but I was stuck in the doldrum of a life without fire and passion. I cannot think of a slower, more exhausting path toward death. So, in my spiritual practice, I’ve decided to focus more on meditation. I’ve committed to meditating every day for 40 days. Spiritual leaders of multiple faiths have all come to this “40 day” thing, as a means of connecting with what I will call the Universe. Some people call this God/dess, or Source. Regardless of the choice in word we use to describe the same essential things, for some reason in many texts, 40 days is the sweet spot. Therefore, I’ve chosen that length of time for this initial phase of my practice. 

In addition to the meditation challenge that I’ve set out for myself, I’ve decided that I need to up my game. I have very much gotten lazy in a number of ways. Instead of taking the 40 days to just do a single challenge, I’m going to create my “Life Overhaul Bootcamp”. In this challenge, I’m not just going to meditate daily for at least 5 minutes. I’m also going to write at least 500 words a day (almost there right now). But wait, there’s more. Since I’m 100% a glutton for punishment, I’m also committing to do a little bit of exercise every day too. I’m short on time these days, because kiddo and work, and home, and life… but I’m committing to do all these things in like, 30-45 minutes a day. A quick workout, some meditation, and a little writing (blogging, in this case). 

I’m over feeling stagnant, like nothing is changing (despite quite literally everything changing recently). I want internal growth, maturing, and conditioning. Outwardly, I’ve got shit together. Everything’s coming up Millhouse (for all you Simpsons fans), but I’ve got a lot of things that I want to make better, and that starts with me. I want to feel calmer and more confident. I want to feel more secure in myself. I want to have better self-mastery. I want to hone my writing and develop my “brand” better. This will force me to do exactly that. I’m excited for this challenge, and I’m so grateful for where my life is at. My kiddo is happy and thriving. I’m challenged and successful doing what I’m doing. I can’t wait to see what’s coming up next.

Be sure to check in on my progress with not just the writing portion, but also the meditating and so on. I’ll be holding myself accountable here as well as celebrating my successes.

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No more answers, only more questions

A friend asked me the other day how long it’s been since I’ve written anything. I casually tell her I write copy for social media posts and 100 million emails all the time. She gently laughed and asked when I wrote for myself.

Obviously, if you’re a reader of this blog, you know that answer. I’ve not been writing for myself, if we can even call it that, for more than a year. What happened, you say? I started a business, quit my day job, moved, and so many more things. But why haven’t I written, through all of those things? I don’t know. Anxiety and stress and depression can be shitty sometimes, I guess. Life gets hard, and it’s harder to post to a blog called A Year of Lasting Happiness, when you feel like pitching yourself off a bridge.

But it’s not without saying, that I miss it. I miss these moments of outpouring: my thoughts and feels on a page. I don’t “have time”… read: I don’t MAKE time. I don’t make the time to put words to page when I feel like a mess. And life, it’s been messy, and complicated, and simply… hard.

There’s been these moments, breadcrumbs I call them, that keep me going. That keep me fighting the good fight. It’s been too long without writing, and the longer I wait, the harder it is to do the thing, and the easier it gets to put off the feeling of longing in my chest, for the words.

The words, you say? Yes. The words. Words, words, words. Those things floating around my head like leaves on a pond. Barely touching the surface, but still connecting. Sometimes my brain swallows up the words, and other times, they’re bursting out my mouth, rapid fire, like a machine gun. I speak so fast sometimes I have to repeat myself, because the listener didn’t even catch them all.

Catching. Them. All.

I have more questions now, than answers. Like, what have I done, and for crying out loud, WHY. But the answers escape me like a child chasing a feather. I reach- wind catches it- floats away gracefully on a breeze.

It’s funny, this life. And by funny, I mean, I don’t know. This seems like the perfect place to say something coy, like, “life is what happens when you’re waiting for life to happen” or some such thing. But, all I can say with certainty is that life is funny. So hard, but equally funny.

I heard on a recent podcast that drinking to take the edge off, takes off the edges at both ends. It took me a few days of kicking that around my head, but it resonated for some reason. I don’t think me having a beer or whatever, after a long or particularly difficult day is “taking my edges off”, but rather, the burdens of daily life have worn my edges smooth, like a rock in a mighty river. This is what happens as we age. All our edges, worn smooth by the hands of time, and gently molding us into everyone else. Slowly eroding our jagged parts, the parts that have seen some shit. The parts that are unique. Revealing nothing but supple roundness, eventually, slowly, wearing us away into oblivion. In a way, that’s a tragic end for the rock. But it happens so slowly, that nobody really even notices, the rock just gradually shrinks into nothingness.

I don’t want to shrink into nothingness. I want to be jagged sometimes, to be sharp. Fierce. But who has the energy? Who isn’t a sack of exhaustion anymore? With jobs, partners, children, parents, houses, cars, any manner of obligations. Who has the time to be SHARP? Who has the energy to be JAGGED?

There’s a Japanese saying “The nail that sticks up, gets hammered down”. It’s basically a lesson in homogenous conformity, which is why their society is so uniform, in a way. But this is also from the culture where it’s totally acceptable to sleep under your desk at work overnight, to work 90 hours a week, and sadly, to work oneself literally to death. Are these people the rocks getting worn down?

There are other homogenous societies that value LESS working, but are somehow “just” as productive. The entirety of Scandinavia is the hallmark of how awesome it can be to live in a relatively wealthy country, with socialized medicine, that also values chilling. They get something like a month or more PAID vacation. I’ve not been on vacation in years. Even before I quit my job, I still didn’t get much, if any, paid time off. It’s crazy.

I still have more questions, than answers. I don’t feel any closer to finding what’s real, besides the fact I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow, and the next day. And also my capacity to love a small human more than anything else on this planet.

My wish for 2019 is that I can set the groundwork for more balance. I need to stop juggling everydamnthing, while carrying the weight of the world on my back. That started today. We’ve made tough choices, but it will give me something closer to a life, in this life.

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Life goals

There are numerous scientific studies about stress, happiness, and the role that self-imposed stress plays on our psyche. In general, it’s said that if we are under extreme stress by our own doing, it’s somehow easier to manage, or at least we are more willing to manage it, than if we are not the designers of our own fates. For instance, I’m far more likely to put in 14 hour days for the same salary, since I’m furthering my own means and interests. However, at my former job, 8 hours seemed like eternity and getting me to stay even a minute longer was simply non-negotiable.

Meanwhile in research land, they’ve discovered that not all stress is bad, and it can often lead to tremendous growth and discovery about oneself. It’s the focus and dedication to a thing that strengthens the mental state and physical body. Without the added pressure, we’d never grow stronger, as weightlifting has shown us with muscle definition. But I believe there’s a defined line between too little stress and too much. Once we cross that line, it becomes a detriment to our health and mental capacity. We have a harder time focusing, remembering things, and doing multiple tasks.

So how do stress (but not too much) and pressure relate to happiness? Obviously when the periods of stress are over, there’s a sense of relief, but more than that it’s about self mastery. It may be unconscious, but you feel good having overcome obstacles, completing a challenging task, or learning what you’re really made of. More to the point, focus and dedication also spur happiness, especially if you’re doing something you love, or that brings future possibilities.

Our bodies and minds are meant to stay sharp and fit. By throwing ourselves through the wringer a little bit, we are better adapted to life’s challenges as well.

But in the flip side of this, the modern world has created an environment packed with stressors and it’s actually proving to be harmful. Our primitive brains simply cannot keep up with high speed internet and 24 hour news cycles. So instead of causing us to flex our physical and proverbial muscles, it’s wearing us down. We are showing the greatest amounts of depression, anxiety, and loneliness that we’ve ever known in human (testing) history. We are showing greater incidences of sicknesses and diseases, despite having the most advanced medical technology ever seen on this planet.

As with weightlifting, after a period of tearing the muscles, to heal, we must also have a period of rest. If we do not let the muscles heal, we will not build muscle, but rather, we destroy the gains we could have made, and break down those fibers completely. And this is basically my point today. We have to find ways of resting and self-care in this uncertain world of stress we live in. As an American, I’m well aware that a ‘vacation’ in the traditional sense isn’t in the cards very often (unlike most of Europe with generous holiday leave), but even so, it’s entirely possible to rest and recharge in ways that are helpful to us.

For example, I attended a meditation class on my birthday with a friend. I could have gone out and whatever, but I chose to look inward, to provide myself with something that has proven to be the most helpful thing I’ve done in ages for myself, and essentially by myself (in a room full of people). Obviously, this isn’t everyone’s jam, but I encourage you to find what works for you.

It’ll recharge your mind, body, spirit, and allow you to focus better in everyday life, whatever it is that you choose. And maybe you have to try a few things on for size, because too often we have no idea what self-care looks like, or we’ve not been ‘ourselves’ in so long, we’ve forgotten who we are and what we’re about. I can attest that it’s a serious challenge for me too, taking care of myself once in a while, but it’s worth it. You are worth it.

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Social media unrest

I’ve been sort of back on fb just over a week now. It’s exactly the same as I left it. The same bullshit politics and tragedies. The same people lamenting or embracing where they are in life. The same pictures of food, memes of animals, and photos of stupid people being themselves. 

Several people I know have recently taken breaks from not just social media, but all media and even become reclusive. Because of the terrible things, the bullshit politics, and the really awful things being spread, they simply had to take a break. These individuals are some of the strongest people I’ve ever known. That’s how you know the environment is toxic. When the people who can withstand the most get out, you know it’s beyond time. 

Social media has been an exceptional tool in our modern world. It’s successfully brought closer the furthest corners of the world. But at what cost? Are we truly to believe that spreading vitriol, trolling, cyber bullying, and hate crimes online are what these tools were meant to be used for? I certainly can’t imagine the creators could have even considered to what lengths human beings will go to hurt others, even in virtual spaces. It’s almost easier in these arenas because there’s an element of anonymity. 

While I’m absolutely not the first person to posit these questions or make the ties between hate and being anonymous, I am discovering the true nature of things for myself. I can’t say I’m a fan of what I see. It’s actually really sad. Moreover, it’s frightening that so many people are misinformed (probably myself too) and spreading hate and lies. It seriously makes me wonder if it’s worth it. 

My husband has gone about a week after removing all his friends from his friends list. He only still has his account because a couple of the groups he’s part of are really important to him. A couple car groups, an insect group, and a plant group- all of which he uses to ask questions about things that matter. The insect group is for our garden, and the plant group was for him to figure out what ‘weeds’ we had in our backyard. Both have proven quite helpful. 

But isn’t this what social media was designed for? Sharing information with people sometimes a half a world away? It seems like we’ve come a long way from that aspect. I’m hopeful that we can get back there before it’s really too late. 

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