Tag: society

Fight or flight

It has become increasingly difficult to focus on my day job. Not only am I bored by the tasks and lack of opportunity for growth, but I also have so many other things in the works. I am working on becoming my own boss and business owner and trying to maintain some shred of hope, given the political climate in this country.

I’ve never felt such a direct and opposite “pulling” force between my fight and flight sides. Part of me wants to try and keep some semblance of the life I lead, to not lose hope, to fight the good fight and create the life I am meant for. But on the other hand, there is something strongly pulling me away from all that, telling me that my family is more important and getting them the hell out of this dumpster before it blows sky high. I just want to run away somewhere safe and hope there’s a life to come back to in four years.

Between social media and the mainstream media, I’m overwhelmed and saddened. The alternative media is equally disheartening. We are living in a very sad time for human rights and social responsibility. It can be paralyzing, and right now, I feel paralyzed with glimmers of motivation and action. It simply weighs heavy on my heart that the world is not shaping up to be a place where people are free to love and marry whomever they choose, that health is only for the wealthy, and that life is largely not affordable for those that work for a living. It is saddening. And those of us that were working toward those things, hoping beyond hope for those things, are devastated. The feeling is real.

Finding happiness in the destruction of everything we hold dear as a nation borders on impossible. The only thing keeping my head above water is my physical and moral obligation to not fuck up for my kid. She knows nothing of the world, of politics. She is content being a toddler and little else. She loves her parents, her pets, eating snacks, and good music. If only everything were that simple. But her smile makes my day worth the struggle. What else is there? My husband, gardening, pets that we care for… they’re the crux of my life. They are the catalyst to happiness, since happiness comes from within. My family makes me want to be a better person, to keep waking up every day, and to be happy when it’s appropriate.

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What the what?

First let me begin by saying happy New Year to all of my readers. I appreciate your continued support, and I hope that 2017 finds you happy and healthy.

Next, as many of my long time readers know, I typically do a “year in review” sort of post that outlines some things that I’ve accomplished in terms of my quest for sustained happiness in everyday life. Also in that post I usually mention some goals that I have for the coming year and how I plan to achieve them. I haven’t done that this time, and truthfully, I have no intention of doing so. In hindsight, 2016 was a trying year in a number of ways. It began with my small family being displaced and sleeping on floors and couches. 2015 ended the same way after we sold our former home, but by 2016, it had been more than three months of this, with a small child. It had grown cumbersome and I was quite exhausted. The year was a train wreck to the bitter end in many ways, albeit sprinkled with joys.

I was fortunate to see my daughter take her first steps, say her first words and now, all the things that followed those milestones. We are no longer displaced and I have a comfortable, but at times extremely stressful, job that pays most of the bills. What’s different though is that for the last several months, I’ve lacked motivation to do the things that I’ve been meaning to do, or things that bring me joy. Writing has fallen by the wayside for sure. I don’t like feeling unmotivated and depressed. I’m sure there are some people who relish in their misery, but I am simply not that person.

I am also acutely aware that 100% happiness, 100% of the time is also unattainable and frankly, unwanted. I know that if you’re never unhappy, happiness is no longer special and it then becomes the “norm” by which everything is then measured. If you don’t live up to that new level, unhappiness reigns. However, my quest for daily joys has taken me to interesting places. While I have not been writing as much, I’ve been reading a lot more.

I’ve been reading articles on topics I find interesting. I’ve also been following the disaster that is American politics. Every bit of it makes me sad and angry. I’m disappointed in so many ways that things are as they are, and hope that it rights itself sooner rather than later. I’ve also been reading books and taking on new and challenging, well, challenges. For instance, I finally started the meditation challenge that I’ve been putting off for the better part of nine months. I have to meditate for ten minutes each day, for 30 days. It’s been rather difficult, but that’s mostly due to my own anxiety and insecurity. I’ve also been doing a yoga challenge, since I’ve not had as much time to devote to going to yoga classes as I’d like. Every day I do X amount of sun salutations, increasing throughout the month. It’s been good for the most part, as I do the yoga and then the meditation. The issue is that if I do not do it in the morning when I wake up, I end up falling asleep during the meditation. I’m a very early riser, so trying to meditate in the evening before bed, is not practical. I’ve since gone back to my morning routine.

Since I’ve been doing some reading and listening to audiobooks, my friend recommended an unconventional “self-help” book that I loved based solely on the title. The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck has ultimately changed the way I see my quest and how I will pursue it further. It resonated with me so much that I, in fact, have started listening to it a second time. I listened to the entire book in one day. There are parts of it that resonate a little more strongly than others, obviously, but it was truly refreshing to hear someone say that sometimes, life fucking sucks, and that’s ok.

Not only does life sometimes suck a whole lot, and not only is that ok, but feeling crappy about things is sometimes ok too. Too often these writers gloss over the fact that we are humans and we grow from adversity and suffering. If we do not allow ourselves to experience these negatives to the fullest, we will never achieve the kind of happiness we so desperately seek. And not only that, but if we “seek” it with such drive and ferocity, we are unlikely to actually attain what we’re looking for. It’s kind of like that old adage about finding your keys when you stop looking for them, or they’re in the last place you look (because who would keep looking after they found them?). You find them because you’re both fucking over it and give up, or you come to grips with the fact that you’ve looked everywhere and you just might have to walk. That’s when they pop up and usually in a place that you’ve already inspected.

The point is this: Stop looking so damn hard for happiness. And furthermore, once you’ve stopped looking so intently for a moving target, look deeper at the metric by which you measure your happiness, and with some perspective shifting, you may actually come to see you’re closer than you thought.

For instance, I’ve been feeling rather unhappy at my job. Yes, there are really great aspects about it, but I am still left feeling like I want to move on. I’ve got incredible flexibility and almost zero oversight by my bosses. I’ve got a practically nonexistent dress code, and long stretches in which I stare blankly at my computer screen while listening to music, or in this case, audiobooks, and surfing the internet. The people I work with are pretty exceptional and we typically work well together. There’s nobody I particularly dislike, which is incredibly rare. Yet, there’s a sense of unease and malaise.

Part of it is because, while extremely stressful at times, it’s not challenging. I do not feel as though I am solving real problems, but rather doing busy work and nothing of real consequence. The other problem is that the corporate culture is that of “Old Boy’s Club”, where many people have been here for decades and the vast majority of them are middle-aged white men. There are few women in positions of authority, and virtually none of them are in the department where I reside. I’m the only woman in my department in this city. So, it is exceptionally difficult for me to move up within my department, because there are few opportunities and there’s this idea that women are not meant for this department, due to the nature of the work. I do not work outside in the warehouse, but they are the folks I support in my position.

And I recognize, after listening to this most recent book, that I carry with me a bit of entitlement. I am well educated, but I am in basically the same position I’ve been in for more than the last decade. Granted I’m making a slightly larger salary and have a few more responsibilities, the functions are essentially the same. This frustrates me. I feel entitled to a better role, people taking me more seriously than they do, and ultimately Master’s level compensation for my time. I also am keenly aware that I rock at doing my job. I know that and have been told that time and again. But I don’t feel as though I’m valued beyond lip service. I am not given truly important responsibilities or compensated to an amount that I feel I should be. This is pure entitlement. I feel like I spent so much time and an ungodly amount of money on my education, I should be doing more for myself. And of course, my line of work and my education are completely dissimilar. Getting into my field has proven to be impossible through conventional means, and truthfully, I’ve given up on that battle.

Instead, I’ve allowed myself to become bitter, entitled and indignant. This has gotten to the point in which I would rather bitch about my lack of opportunities than to find something more aligned with my values. I half-heartedly started a business with a friend, but got so discouraged because she wasn’t nearly as motivated as I was. She started out saying she was motivated, but when the time came, her values and mine just don’t seem to line up. That doesn’t mean she’s wrong or to blame, we just don’t seem to be on the same page. She’s got an extremely full plate, and I feel like I perhaps pushed her into this venture a bit too fast for her comfort. And I’m sorry and wrong for overstepping that boundary. I certainly can’t be mad at her for not wanting to just jump in with both feet into a dream that she might not necessarily share.

So I feel stuck. I feel stuck as the breadwinner of my household, unable and unwilling to make changes because of fear and financial stress. And what’s worse is that I’ve not been taking responsibility for those feelings until now. I’ve been blaming the job market, my husband being lazy, my friend not being motivated “enough”, and many more excuses. I’ve been an entitled ass. That’s a tough pill to swallow. I hate being wrong, and more importantly, I hate being unaware of my truth (my truth being the reality of my feelings and behaviors, and how I allow myself to interact with those around me). What’s worse is that aside from being painfully unaware of reality, I’ve also been kind of a dick to myself, my friends, and my family.

Now the options in front of me are as follows 1) keep doing the same thing, while knowing the truth, 2) make small, but meaningful changes to right the ship, or 3) just say fuck it and jump based on my newfound understanding of things. This is what I have been marinating on since yesterday and still have not come to a resolution. Part of me desperately wants each of those options, for conflicting reasons. So we shall see what I come up with.

Thanks for reading this long ass post. J

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You are not a unique and beautiful snowflake

As hopefully many of you, delightful readers will know, this is a line from the movie/book “Fight Club“.

This film and several of the contents/topics of it has come up a few times in the past week or so and I find it interesting that in completely separate instances it’s been mentioned. In one conversation, we were talking about a book that Ive begun reading about a man that was sick of over-consumption. The sheer amounts of stuff this man and his family collected was inhibiting his actual life. I’ve not gotten to this part yet, but apparently he offloaded most of his worldly possessions to regain some perspective. Of course the Fight Club reference is the scene where Ed Norton’s monologue is about his insomnia and goes on about infomercials and catalog browsing to buy the perfect life.

I find this particularly interesting because while I think things are fancy, nice and generally useful, there are very few things that I NEED in this world. In the spirit of honesty, I would like to confess however, that I am lusting after a set of black out curtains for this massive window in my bedroom because, let’s face it, I don’t want to wake up at dawn because my room is like a freaking spotlight. This “need”, is purely utilitarian, but the ones that I want will “have” to be stylish and match the other curtain in the room. Anyway, the notion of “need” in this society is entirely warped. I’m sorry, but absolutely nobody needs a $90 set of basic silverware from a high end retailer in a fancy, expensive mall. You eat with it. Pretty basic. 12 pieces of flatware are nowhere near that important. But the point to this is that somehow WHERE you get something is equally important to WHAT you get and WHO you’re showing off for.

That’s what all this is about, isn’t it? Being able to say how much you spent at what disgustingly overpriced store? The only reason I stepped foot into that place was because I was given a gift card as a housewarming gift from my realtor. The amount, while exceptionally generous in my opinion, could literally only buy a few little trinkets. Anything useful, it wouldn’t even dent it. I mean, for a piece of actual furniture, is at minimum in the $1000 range.

My personal mantra about “stuff” is simple. If I don’t need it for some reason, whether it’s a serious need or a perceived one, I don’t buy it. While shopping I try to make lists so that I don’t get distracted and frequently, I’ll walk around the store for a while holding the possible purchase, only to decide that I don’t need it and put it back. I’m not a fan of stuff that doesn’t serve a real purpose, which is likely the reason the house is quite minimal. You’d never guess that it’s “minimal” if you saw my desk, but almost all that stuff is papers of some kind. (Mostly school stuff)

The other conversation I had was about the title of this blog, being a unique and beautiful snowflake. This, in my opinion, is a direct correlation to why the younger generation might be one of the most technically savvy in human history, they are also the most socially awkward and ill prepared for reality, that has ever existed. Because we have spent so many years showing kids that they are comfortable and focusing so much on their feelings and emotional development… we have lost the sense of responsibility to create mature, functioning adults.

What I mean by this is that kids feel “entitled” in this day and age. If they don’t get what they want on a silver platter without so much as being forced to get off the couch/ computer/ tv to get it, they throw a fit or have a complete emotional meltdown. I’m sorry but this doesn’t exactly scream “I’m ready for reality” in our youth. I come from a generation where we played outside, climbed trees, built forts, stepped on rusty nails, played baseball without the right equipment and survived. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve come close to death just being a kid… but I’ve noticed that this phrase isn’t even applicable anymore. “Being a kid” these days is really living indoors on some sort of technology, not using your imagination or being creative outside the parameters of your plastic toys.

This, coupled with the entitlement issues, makes for an inadequate population. Kids grow up without social skills needed to do things, like get a good job, make sacrifices necessary to get “ahead” in career/ life roles. Nobody, in general, understands that life is riddled with extreme sacrifices, requires massive amounts of dedication and hard work, and is rife with disappointment. You can let these obstacles break you or you can let them shape you into a better person. It’s your choice. And yes, it is absolutely a choice. Life is suffering, you can choose to roll over and die or you can embrace it and grow.

All of my sopaboxing above does have a point. It even pertains to happiness and Right Speech. If you cannot roll with the punches, and believe me, the hits just keep coming for most of us… you will be miserable. Happiness is not an outward state of consumption or coddling. It’s a state of being within your self. Your ability to be at peace with the world is directly linked to that internal happiness (you know, the happiness that “stuff” can’t buy) and your feelings of self worth. Having a healthy understanding of true happiness and reality will lead you to real satisfaction. And these things are all wound up in Right Speech because I find it incredibly difficult to hold my tongue, be encouraging and positive when I see people who cannot be useful humans. They need tough love, if for no other reason, because the world IS A TOUGH PLACE. It’s not getting easier. Stand up and be strong or wither away… the choice to be happy and productive is yours and yours alone.

(http://www.futurity.org/society-culture/a-little-adversity-goes-a-long-way/)

(http://www.arealchange.com/blog/adversity-affects-life-business)

(http://moviesandsongs365.blogspot.com/2011/06/movie-of-week-fight-club-1999.html)

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