Tag: society

2020, in the rear view

As all of the readers of this blog know, I typically don’t allow *quite* this long go between posts. There’s often “inconsistency”, as anyone who’s read it, knows. But this long, is long. I’m sorry for my silence through the vast majority of this year. As we all recognize, 2020 has been nothing short of a train wreck. However, I’m un/fortunate to have only had a short time of unemployment. So, I’ve remained, largely, the same busy and distracted working parent you (all 3-4 of you) know and like.

Edit: 4/13/22- For reasons I can’t understand, the rest of this blog was lost? Removed? I don’t know. But it’s gone and surely something was said about keeping our heads up in uncertain times, or it’s only temporary. However, from the future in which I’ve come to, I can’t say things are so rosy. It’s a sad truth how I felt back then in 2020, and where I am now mentally in 2022, are simply miles apart. Sorry this wasn’t a better edit or update. Just keeping things transparent.

6

Runaway

Please enjoy the musical stylings of A Flock of Seagulls.

https://youtu.be/iIpfWORQWhU

I share this timeless ditty with those of my readers whom are of a similar ilk. Those of you in love with new wave and the likes of you whom, as adults, dream of hitting the bricks more than you ever did as a youngster.

My day dreams consist of freeing myself of this ugly world, and traveling amongst the waves. My dreams at night are focused on simply change and making the surroundings different from what they currently are. Both are indicative of not just my wanderlust, of which I have to a ridiculous degree, but also my desire to just not live on this planet anymore. If I were equipped to be an astronaut, I’d be out of this world by now.

There is currently too much sadness for me to accept. There is too much injustice for me to know how to manage. There is too much apathy for me to stomach. There is too much heartbreak to fathom. I am truly unable to take it all in and I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown.

That breakdown would not have been completely, though largely, due to most recent events. But rather, years of compounded fear, lack, frustration, hopelessness, and need. The murder of George Floyd 10 minutes from where I currently call home is just the sadness cherry on a pile of trash.

Don’t get me wrong, however. I have been nothing if not genuine when I say that I have a beautiful life. I’ve been fortunate enough to do many of the things I’ve set out to do, from the mundane to the miraculous. I love my life. I’ve grown to truly appreciate and LOVE the life I’ve been given. Hardships and all. Yet, lately, more than I have in probably two decades, find myself wanting to check out. Not suicide, just feeling overwhelmed with sadness and without hope that things around us will get better. I’m so ashamed of my country and the state I live in, and honestly, the state I’m from too. They all suck right now, and I’m bordering on hating them.

I am ashamed that America is rife with injustices that I’ll never ever comprehend. I was born a white female, so I acknowledge my privilege outright in that. I was not born to wealthy parents or family. Quite the opposite actually. But my skin color has not negatively impacted they way I walk about this earth. I’m grateful, with a tinge of guilt. I didn’t choose this life or body. And I feel as though I’ve fought on the right side of justice in all things. I have always stood up for the right things. Injustices I see everywhere. I have fought for women, people of color, marriage equality, and animals in every moment of activism. Even in unconscious moments, like while buying things, I buy fair trade and organic because the earth and it’s inhabitants all DESERVE better.

But I’m still guilty of being a privileged white female American. And I hate it. And I’m also grateful that I’m able to speak to power on behalf of others. I am and I do whenever possible.

I’m just so damn sick of fighting and seeing no results. People are still slaughtering other sentient beings every day. Human and animals alike are fodder to the larger structures and systems, and I’m exhausted and angry. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. It sucks. It sucks that I’m doing my best with what I have, and what I have is a shit sandwich. I feel like a bad mom for being angry and frustrated and hopeless. So what do I personally do when I feel like the world is crumbling (literally and figuratively)? I want to run away.

When I see there’s just no point in fighting any longer, I want to leave. I want to sell all my worldly possessions and emigrate to a deserted island somewhere warm and beautiful. I want to commune with the ocean and the sky. To feel the salty air on my skin and breeze on my face. I want to leave not out of desperation, as I did in my teens, but out of expanse and connection with something majestic. Something away from the bullshit of modern life. Something bigger.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share where you want to run away to, if you want to run at all, in the comments.

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The world I know

There’s a song by the band Collective Soul with the same title as this blog entry. You can find it on YouTube HERE. Do yourself a favor, if you’re unfamiliar with the song, and check it out. It has gotten me through some very dark times in my life, and I feel like we are experiencing some of those currently around the world.

So, for the last several months, I’ve been not writing or blogging. Part of this was intentional. I have seen what other people in the coaching and “happiness” space have been doing, and I decided not to do the same. I have only been posting a motivational message on my coaching blog, more or less daily.

Anyway, the reason for this has been that I honestly didn’t have anything to contribute. That’s not to say that I don’t have an opinion, or feelings. Quite the opposite actually. I’m experiencing many of the same things as everyone worldwide at the moment, and I didn’t believe that I could contribute to the dialogue in a meaningful way. I have always been honest with my readers, and I felt as if I’d be doing each of you a disservice by spouting off some toxic happiness nonsense, or trying to make you feel bad for not coming out of quarantine with a college degree, million-dollar business idea, or some savvy new skill. That’s not my role here and it never will be. I typically only write when I feel I have something of value to share.

However, as time has marched on, I’ve realized that the feeling of “now I have something” is not likely to come in ways that I normally recognize, because as I mentioned, we’re all having a whole lot of shit going on right now. My voice may never be relevant, or I hope, it can speak to you directly and we can share a conversation.

In these trying times, which in the United States began early this year with COVID-19, and the extreme political atmosphere that created, we’ve been asked to move about the world very differently. The “normal” way of life has been cast aside for this new thing we call life. There are a great deal of things that needed to change, and are still rapidly changing as I write this. COVID really set the kindling, and the feelings around the death of George Floyd, which has sparked worldwide protesting and now, in the Twin Cities where I call home, it has spurred violence and military actions. This is a whole new world for us. It can never go back to “normal” for us to have learned from all of these recent events of 2020. If they do go back to that old way, there’s really just no hope for us.

Just a week ago, if you’d have told me that not only would there be riots in the streets across the world, but this would all be with the pandemic as a backdrop, I’d never have believed you. I never would have believed that there would be Neo-Nazi’s roaming my street at night trying to find houses to burn, or that the military would be guarding the hospital right down the street. I’d never believed that my city and cities all over would be burning to the ground. It’s an incredibly surreal time for us all. But there’s one thing that I would have believed and believe right this minute as I sit at my kitchen table typing away before my daughter wakes up, and it’s that people show up for each other. Right now, there are neighbors sweeping up the mess, donating food to those in need, protecting their streets in makeshift ways… but the fact is, they are showing up. They are stepping up. There’s a little bodega near us, and the owner has become a friend of ours. I check in with him, because he’s only 3 blocks from one of the hardest hit areas of violence. The stores that I used to shop at have been leveled. But he is still going to work everyday and offering food to anyone whether or not they can pay. There are restaurants that are giving away free hot food to the people clearing the wreckage. There are people donating food to schools and houses of worship, donating money to the rebuilding of our precious small businesses. They are all SHOWING UP.

There is nothing that I can say to better articulate the resiliency of the human spirit. Communities are coming together to fight injustice, to fight the fascists, and to clean up the mess left behind. I’m grateful for my community. They inspire me to do better and to BE better.

Am I ok right now? Sure, I guess. I sleep with my daughter in bed, because her room is street side and I don’t feel safe with her so close to the road. We are minutes away from the state capital, so everything there, the protests, the shootings, we are very close to. My partner stays up all night on “fire watch” listening to a police scanner and weapons, to protect our home from looting and possible arson. I stay up with him until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. I am still working during all of this, at home, thankfully. So I have to be able to sort of function as an employee and show up for my daughter who is not currently in school. We went from pretty much weaponless in our home, to sleeping in a room with guns at arm’s reach. Or the same kitchen table I work at during the day, gets converted to a damage control station equipped with the following: laptop, two-way radios, emergency medical kit, and rifle. We have bags packed of important things, like my work computer and our passports. This is no longer a world I recognize. But like the Phoenix, you have to burn to ash to be reborn, right? I feel like this is what’s happening. I don’t have a single clue what the days bring, but can say for certain that it’s not going back to “normal”.

Thank you for readiing.

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We survived, but now what?

If 2019 was the year of forced growth, what the hell, exactly is 2020. According to a random astrology article that I cannot recall the link to, it’s time to bear down through some painful times, to create the world that’s coming next. The article referenced a lot of ‘childbearing’ imagery, which I’m sure is lost on some. Personally, I know exactly what they’re talking about, but I’ll spare the details here. The synopsis is this: we are at a pivotal time in history, in human existence, and for the earth. We are shifting from one ‘age’ to another, metaphysically, and things are getting weird. There’s going to be a whole lot of changes, especially because last year basically kicked our asses out of our ruts and into the unknown.

So, we survived the ass kicking. Now what? We, as humans, and as celestial beings have the distinct privilege of shaping the world around us every day. We put energy out, we receive energy, we take actions, lather, rinse, repeat. This year, like none other in my personal lifetime, we are faced with a lot of energy, emotions, and polarized factions all around us. Yes, there’s been turmoil, fueled by aggression, war, famine, etc. I’m not saying that we aren’t living in arguably the safest time of human history (because we are, and it’s well documented), but now, the issue is that we as a society have become apathetic, due largely to the fact that we are tired. We’re distracted by our lives, our responsibilities, and technology. We’re focused on staying above water in uncertain tides with politics, our jobs, and more.

I feel like it’s worth mentioning that 1) I’m in this same boat, and 2) it’s by no means a judgement on anyone. It’s just absolute fact that we are all tired and distracted. Plus, like never before, it’s all being captured by the media and individuals, then edited and spit back at us in record time. the 24 hour news cycle had no clue that it was going to go this far, this fast. But I digress. We made it here, now what? If I, a simple writer, had any clue, I’d never have to worry about anything ever again. However, I can say this: things are rapidly shifting, and if society doesn’t snap out of it, those loud, shit-stirrers of the world, will be the ones shaping every aspect of the planet (and beyond). Do we, as individuals, want the loudest and most annoying voices on any side of any conflict whatsoever, to be the guideposts? Or do we want those of us falling somewhere in the middle area, where 99% of the populace live, to have a hand in the world we create for our children and grandchildren? I’m leaning toward the latter. I want my kid to have clean air, a chance at an education, safe food, healthcare when she needs it, opportunities I didn’t have, valuable and exciting work, relative physical safety, and maybe even some money stashed for when she gets old.

Nobody can have these things if we are divided up, and fighting each other. Nobody but the wealthiest of the wealthy, that is, who hoard resources from the public, and tell us its for our own good. What’s good for us, ALL OF US, are systems and institutions that work for all of us. Those of us in the United States, we have the opportunity this year to decide the direction of our political establishment. Beyond that, because this is by no means a “political” post or blog, we have to decide every single day what world we are creating. Is it one of fear and lack, or is it one of harmony and abundance. I choose love, personally, and gratitude. I radiate love, gratefulness, and light into the dark places. It’s only by shining light that darkness can be changed.

Sending love and light to everyone reading this. Thank you.

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Wrap up this mess

As most of my readers know, I do a wrap up at the end of the year. This year, is no different in that regard. What is different this year, is that this has been one of the most challenging of the last decade. I wish it was tough for just myself, but it seems that everyone around me has experienced the year of forced growth.

While this year has been a dumpster fire personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally, and all of the other ways for the majority of us, I’m feeling more optimistic than I have been in a very long time. It’s not the saccharine bullshit fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of optimism either. I feel good, like there’s a chance for better.

Yes, a whole lot of really stupid, super awful crap has happened to me. I’ve lost everything, and managed to scrape together a beautiful life, despite it all. I know that the universe is working in all our favor, even if we can’t see it in the moment. I have faith that shit will work out, even if it’s not the way I hope/wish/expect it to. It has taken a mountain of incredible loss and soul searching for me to come to this place.

I genuinely hope that everyone reading this comes to the same realizations and that you too understand that we can all win. Life is messy and complicated and sometimes downright terrible, but there’s always hope for better, even if it just starts from within yourself.

Thanks for reading.

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