Tag: Sun

Exhaustion

To say that adulting is exhausting right now, would be the understatement of the century. Even being a kid is an endless string of activities, events, play dates, tests, and whatever. Many of us are chronically sleep deprived to start with, but what about the emotional and spiritual toll this modern world lays on us? How does chronic sleep deprivation factor into these elements, and how do we get out of the ruts in which we find ourselves? I can assure you, we are not going to “self care” our way through the feelings of dread, dissatisfaction, loneliness, anger, loss, shame, frustration… or much else. The whole idea that we can find salvation in a product, concept, or idea, has been the biggest of the big lies of human history. But really though, how do we find it? Asking for a friend.

There has to be a balance struck again, if ever there was one, in our daily lives. For instance, I get up VERY early every morning, so that I have time to collect my thoughts before the action of the day, especially weekdays. I have about 1-2 hours before the house starts to wake up. I’m able to read the news, make coffee, do some yoga or meditate, catch up on social media, and maybe even get some breakfast. I wake the kiddo up for school, and we are off to the races from there, until bedtime for us both. By 8:30pm, I’m soooo ready for bed. That’s just the regular schedule we have. It’s summer break now, so things are a little different. I still get up with the sun, and want to crawl into bed at the same time as always. I definitely like a routine. However, the last several days have been different. Perhaps it’s the humidity where we live, or that our school-year routine has been disrupted, but I can say I’ve been walking around like a zombie. I’ve been doing some learning courses in the early mornings, and the kiddo has been in summer mode, sleeping in typically. I’m way too high strung to sleep in or take naps. I’ve been an insomniac as long as I can remember. The balance to the crazy days are those moments of quiet in the morning; rarely is anyone up with me, save for the dog. I can attest that this week has been a challenge to find that balance, since the kiddo has also been fighting a summer cold, waking up early in the mornings, and struggling to get to sleep at night for the same reason. I’m grateful that I’ve been available to attend to the illness and a kiddo who needs me, but losing the balance time has been noticeable.

In contrast, it has taken me decades to get to this place of understanding rhythms. I’m a routine-oriented, Type-A, highly anxious human being, so “relaxing” isn’t something that comes naturally to me. My version of it is cleaning the kitchen or sitting here at my desk writing. I spend about an hour or so on the couch in the evenings with my family, generally unwinding from the day, but even then, I’m typically multitasking on my phone. It’s the main time that I get to see my husband, as he often works longs days away from home, while I work at home and chauffeur a small human to and from school.

But why? Why is it so hard for me to wind down? Probably the same reasons that you and many other people do. We are overstimulated, overworked, overtired, while simultaneously undervalued, and under-connected with. It’s a wild dichotomy and how we found ourselves here is a modern human invention. It didn’t have to be this way. I’m not someone who has nostalgia for the hunter-gatherer days, by any stretch. I enjoy not being a nomad (in some ways), having a permanent home, and being able to have that routine I speak so highly of. I like modern conveniences for stuff, too. However, at the same time, I loathe the idea of credit scores and preventable wars, billionaires and their race to the stars. I’m pretty much over most of it.

This leads me back to balance and exhaustion. It’s fucking exhausting living in the modern age. We are distracted, disconnected from everything that matters, and more diseased than ever. There has to be some sort of balance. We have to find the simplicity and joy of connection, focus, and love. If we come from a place of love and connection, all things are possible, in my opinion. Obviously, peace and love aren’t going to get the richest among us to pay more in taxes or end world hunger anytime soon. I’m not delusional. However, it’ll make our time on this rock suck marginally less, and give us the community of friends, family, and neighbors that we so desperately need. We will make connections with those around us, help us find support during the hard times, and have folks to celebrate with us during the times we need to throw a parade for our successes. It makes every single thing suck less, to not be an island. It’s the love and connections that will get us through.

One of my besties literally just called me, while she is on a weekend trip with longtime friends and family, to tell me about a win she just received. A 30 second phone call to say “Hey I got the great news in an email just now, and I had to share it with you”. I told her how amazing I thought it was, and told her congratulations. That was it. Love you, bye. End of call. This is the shit we need. People in our corner to fight and celebrate with us, so we can help each other carry the weight of the crazy world. This is how we strike the balance between overwhelming existential dread and a throwing fucking party. Also, as a brief aside, surround yourself with people who fill your cup up, recharge your batteries, and give a crap about you, as often as humanly possible. The alternative is miserable- 0/10- Do Not Recommend. Not only will we find better balances in our lives, but we will find the drain far less exhausting to endure. Life is short, fill as many moments as possible with love and compassion.

Thank you for reading

0

Happy 201 and more

Hello friends.

To say “it’s been a while” would be at minimum, disingenuous. I feel like I should begin more along the lines of “it’s been more than two years since my last confession”. As I sit here drinking my morning coffee on an average Sunday, please understand that I’ve never forgotten about you, nor have I abandoned writing.

It’s been hard, these last two years, to do much of anything outside of survival mode. However, I’ve been taking a class recently on self empowerment, and while digging deep into my core values, writing was quietly waiting for me to pick it back up. Since I recognized this, I’ve gained momentum from starting a collaborative project with my mom. She was visiting us from the other side of the country and we had a finite amount of time to start and made excellent headway. But it felt good to sort of stretch my legs, writing with her, while remembering how much I love this form of communication. I’ve picked up journaling once again, and now, I’m back here.

Writing has been therapeutic in many ways, but also truly difficult. There are a myriad of thoughts, feelings, and unknowns that have prevented me from coming back here, at least with regularity, for more than 5 years. I’ve existed, but struggled to live fully, due to unprocessed or buried traumas. I’ve barely scratched the surface of sorting through all that, but I’m also done feeling stuck. Life has thrown some wild pitches, and I keep swinging for the fence. I’m just not connecting with the ball and I’m not going to chase after it.

Since the closure of my business, separation and divorce from my second husband, I’ve moved across the country, moved houses several times, endured a lengthy and languishing pandemic and the after affects thereof, witnessed widespread protesting and violence against police brutality, against our own nation’s capital, against wars and genocide, against each other for our views, faiths, and political leanings. I’ve also had opportunities to learn and grow, become closer with my family, get married and buy a home with my husband, discover unknown depths of my capacity to love, support and cherish moments with my kids (bio and step), explore new communities and meet people who will be lifelong friends, drive long, introspective distances, and survive moments I genuinely believed would have been my last. A whole lot has happened in a little over 5 years.

We’ve all been collectively living through unprecedented times. We’ve all been dragging our asses through history in the making. It’s been real wild, and I think as much as our kids have struggled and lost during all of this, the adults carrying this weight have suffered greatly more than we realize. We are carrying the traumas of our own experiences and that of our kids (even if they’re not biologically yours, most of us have young ones in our lives).

All of this is to recap why I’ve been a ghost. I haven’t felt like I had something meaningful to contribute to the narrative, since there’s been so much fucking noise surrounding us. I’m simply trying to survive myself, with a swirling inside my brain hole. It’s been like a blender in there. Now, it’s a shit smoothie and I’m ready to pour it out. Strap in, kids. I am planning great things and will be back soon, and more regularly. I’m motivated and falling back in love with words, after being estranged for so very long.

Please subscribe if you’re interested in keeping up because I’ll be making some announcements in the coming weeks/months. Thank you for reading and I’ll catch you on the flip side (if you’re young, you probably don’t know that reference- look it up). Finally, this is my 201st post to the page. 🎉

0

2021, in retrospect

As yet another year closes, I feel compelled to write. I have had brief passing thoughts, but otherwise no desire to do much writing this year, much like last year. Everyone is going through their own experiences and quite simply, I have too. I haven’t felt as though my shaking voice was necessary in the larger conversation. Like virtually everyone else, I’m just trying to get through this period of time with my family, with the fewest scars possible.

Obviously we are all scarred these days. Nobody that has made it through these last two years has come out unscathed, unless you’re a billionaire with infinite resources. Then, you’ve made out pretty well. However, I don’t believe they haven’t also experienced tragedies in private. We often only see the curated versions of life and not the daily grind. The reality of the human experience is that some days you’re the mortar, and others, the pestle. Regardless, it is a grind.

Today, being the winter solstice, I felt compelled to not only write about the past, but also to look toward the future. Last night was the shortest day of the year and from here until summer, the days will lengthen and the darkness shorten. I feel like that is quite metaphorical. While we still have so far to go in the light/dark balancing act that is the seasonal changes, I’m encouraged that we will soon be letting more light in, after so much darkness.

What has been so crucial for me to remember, as someone who has had lifelong depression, anxiety, and Seasonal Effective Disorder (SAD), there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. My family has been a constant reminder of this, even if they’ve also been a source of stress during these months of a whole lot of “togetherness” due to Covid. I wouldn’t want to be “stuck” with any other humans. Even at the most panicked and stressed times, I’ve turned my internal negativity toward gratitude. It has helped me appreciate the small wins, and allowed me the opportunity to get closer to my family. We’ve spent months having hard conversations so we can all grow and evolve into who we are becoming. It’s been quite apparent in all my household members, but also close friends. Despite the dumpster fires so commonplace in society, we are still growing and BECOMING. It’s a beautiful thing. I’m truly grateful for the chance to see those around me digging deep and working through the things that need to be worked through.

None of this is easy, even in the best of times. But during a pandemic of epic proportions, politically divided nations, shortages, wars, unimaginable losses, and more that we likely will never even know- there is always something to be grateful for. Even if it is just another sunrise, or making it through another trying day. Breathing, a smile, a furry friend, a song, anything. There have been many days where I’ve had to think REALLLLLLLY hard about what has gotten me through the day. But we have to find it. We have to. Some days, it’s the only thing we have to hold onto. And that’s ok. They can’t all be winners. Some days are there to teach us something: balance, humility, boundaries, patience, etc.

These things are not easy lessons and sometimes, they’re the hardest lessons of our lives. But in closing, I implore you, find the good in each day. Even if on the surface, it was the absolute worst. There is always something to appreciate and in those hard days, often a lesson. But also recognize that sometimes, the lesson isn’t ours, but we are the catalyst for change in someone else’s life. The other thing I ask of anyone reading this is to hold your loved ones close. Tomorrow is never promised. That has been a glaring lesson worldwide over the last two years. Hold your loves close. And Happy New Year

0

Wrap up this mess

As most of my readers know, I do a wrap up at the end of the year. This year, is no different in that regard. What is different this year, is that this has been one of the most challenging of the last decade. I wish it was tough for just myself, but it seems that everyone around me has experienced the year of forced growth.

While this year has been a dumpster fire personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally, and all of the other ways for the majority of us, I’m feeling more optimistic than I have been in a very long time. It’s not the saccharine bullshit fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of optimism either. I feel good, like there’s a chance for better.

Yes, a whole lot of really stupid, super awful crap has happened to me. I’ve lost everything, and managed to scrape together a beautiful life, despite it all. I know that the universe is working in all our favor, even if we can’t see it in the moment. I have faith that shit will work out, even if it’s not the way I hope/wish/expect it to. It has taken a mountain of incredible loss and soul searching for me to come to this place.

I genuinely hope that everyone reading this comes to the same realizations and that you too understand that we can all win. Life is messy and complicated and sometimes downright terrible, but there’s always hope for better, even if it just starts from within yourself.

Thanks for reading.

4

Writing is hard, mmmmmkay?

Ok, the writing itself isn’t hard. Really, it’s carving out the time to do it. Yes, I make time to do other things, such as watching tv with my partner, read stories to my preschooler, stare off into blank space, and of course, the ultimate time suck: scroll through social media. But lately, we’ve been falling into the rhythm of the change in season (and daylight savings, since I’ve not had to do that in many years. Hats off to Arizona for not succumbing to such silliness). The days are getting shorter, the air getting significantly colder, and motivation getting harder to muster.

Instead of writing, I’ve been doing my best to get into a gym schedule that works with my every-pressing work obligations. My ability to keep healthy during the long Midwest winters is something I’ve been striving for the last few months. I do not want to get into a rut of laziness, certainly not before my sunny mid-winter vacation we’ve got planned. I want to look and feel strong and healthy alongside my family while taking in the sea air and ocean views.

Moreover, I’ve been looking into winterizing my car, and looking for ways to keep myself happy when “outside” isn’t on my radar. We are investing in full spectrum light bulbs to ward off the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), of which I definitely struggle, and also fun things to do indoors for a houseful of people who are busybodies. Interactive games and toys that span a wide range of ages are easier said than done. We have a preschooler and teenagers, in addition to adults with short attention spans.

As I have done many times in my recent past, I’ve made a decision about this new season (read: goddamn it’s cold), and that is to embrace it. Despite the fact that everyone in my house has fallen ill in the last few weeks, I’ve maintained my immune system’s fortitude. I do not plan on being anything but healthy throughout this winter (and beyond). I will continue to boost my immunity with elderberry, zinc, vitamin C, and my standard multi-vitamins, but more to the point, I have made the mental and emotional choice to remain mentally healthy too. SAD is a real, and sometimes serious condition, especially in this part of the US.

I’m not saying I won’t have down days, because that’s a distinct possibility as the grey wears on for weeks. The winter here is just starting, and I’ve got a long time before we see much of the sun again. However, the decision I’ve made is this: I am going to embrace this part of my life here. Not just for me, but for my partner and the kiddos in our lives. They all look to me, consciously or not, to be a constant grounding force in our home. I owe it to myself to accept and love the life I’ve chosen, even if this climate is exactly the opposite of my desire. But I also owe it to my family to be happy, present, and connective as much as possible.

The cold sucks, the snow sucks, the winter that drags on for what seems like eons, sucks. But, I have the power to smile through it. To see my daughter see snow for the first time, to build forts, and throw snowballs, and go sledding, and throw herself into snow banks, just as I did so many years ago. I have the opportunity to experience my youth again, and all the excitement I once had, with fresh eyes and wonder, with her and through her. I also get to do it with the family I’ve chosen, to create new memories with them, to share experiences with them. I’m so grateful and I cannot wait.

0

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑