Wake Up

When I typed in “bed”, to search for a photo to go at the top of this entry, there were quite a few clocks similar to the one I chose above. It’s very strange that searching for a bed, I get a clock. However, it’s rather fitting, given the title.

Waking up, is quite literally the very first thing we do each day. Not “being awake”, as to many of us “awake” is a much different state than “waking up”. For a large portion of us, the thing letting us know that IT IS TIME, is often a loud thing in our ears. Whether it’s an alarm clock, a child, pet, or partner, something jolted us from asleep, to awake.

I, personally, take issue with this jolting part. I’m sure many others do too. However, unlike many people, at least in my life, I do not like snoozing. I typically, if left to my own devices, just get up when I wake up. Recently, my partner has been quite persuasive in encouraging me to remain in our warm, comfy bed a few minutes longer than I would otherwise. I silently think he’s using it to feel better about himself snoozing a bit extra, but don’t tell him I said that. ;)

In reality though, I tend to oversleep and wind up rushing, rather than allowing myself a few extra moments of relaxation before stepping out the front door. When you have a small child, spare minutes are really helpful. Especially since my kiddo is a sleeper. She will sleep 10 hours or more if I let her. Unfortunately, like her father, she’s also a night owl. I’m an early bird, so her bedtime is early, because she has school and I have work. Also, she takes forever to wake up more days than not. It’s annoying trying to coax a preschooler out of bed at 6am, without a major fight.

I know there are some kids like me, and you are all my people. I’ve never been a sleeper, not even during my partiest of party years. I was always on time for work, even after virtually or actually zero sleep the night(s) before. I wasn’t even a sleepy child. But I think the reasons for that are more anxiety related, and maybe they still are.

Which leads me to discuss the real topic of today’s blog. The sleeping habits of my family was merely a segue.

There’s a new culture about that’s gained popularity and a name. Woke. I’m by no means an expert on popular culture in any fashion, but I pay attention to things. Woke culture seems to be heavily intersecting with Call-out culture which has shone a light on a number of really great things, but I also think that they can be really damaging in certain contexts.

Trust me when I say that I’m an absolute advocate for human, animal, and environmental rights. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life as an activist, but part of me wonders, what happened exactly to letting others do their own thing, as long as they’re not hurting anyone else? I had a teacher in high school say that my rights as a person end at the tip of my nose, or that my rights do not extend to a place where yours are being infringed upon. So, who are people that are telling me that I’m wrong for doing X,Y, or Z, if it’s not affecting them in any way? I’m just over here, doing my thing.

If I’m over here being an asshole, I fully deserve to be called out, but if I have purple hair (which I do at 38 yrs old), who cares? If my partner and I have tattoos and have the nerve to swim in a public pool, who gives a shit? Why do people suddenly feel entitled to give me or him or anyone else flack for that?

The short answer: you don’t. Knock it off. End of discussion. Pretty simple. Stop it. The end.

But meanwhile there’s politicians trying to legislate women’s bodies, the rights of trans people, and profiteering from war and gun violence. There’s something seriously wrong with this. If you want to call anyone out, let’s call out our legislators. Call your congressmen and women. Get woke to real shit and let’s be working toward equality and rights for us all. Instead, there’s a bunch of infighting, bickering, and worse. Knock it off. Your rights end at the end of your nose. You don’t get to be in charge of anyone else’s body, mind, rights, etc. Stop it. End of discussion.

October 22, 2019 0

The Art of Success

beach ocean sand sea — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

If anyone is familiar with the culture of daytime soap operas, you can appreciate “Like sand through an hourglass, these are The Days of Our Lives”. As someone who has watched sand be washed away by the sea for countless hours, I can appreciate the metaphor of sifting and shifting sand as a description of life. While an hourglass and the beach are vastly different arenas, the movement of these small pebbles is quite patterned.

Sand, whether wet or dry, moves in a seemingly haphazard way. However, it takes on different properties regardless. Nevertheless, it shifts, settles, and shifts again. Watching how it fills with sea water and rides the current is so simple, but equally entrancing. I can watch the sea forever and never tire of it. What is interesting, and the point of the featured photo for this blog post, is that you can ruin the beach, write your name in the sand, dig deep holes for water to invade and fill, you can build castles with moats, whatever you like. But the power of water in its simplicity but extreme force, will eventually dull the largest of mountains. This is always the way.

So how do we measure success in this ever shifting landscape around us? Is it money? Name recognition? Power? Longevity?

For me, it’s hard to determine what I view as “success”, simply because I don’t feel like I’ve truly achieved it. In infinite ways, I’ve reached success, but I never feel successful. I feel as though much of what I’ve accomplished is expected. I should not get a trophy for adulting. Kudos are reserves for those who’ve done something remarkable. I’ve merely played the game most of my life, and have done some things.

When I owned a marginally reputable business, it was reputable not because we were flush with cash. We were the only one of our kind in the area of the country where we were located. That’s basically it. I believe we achieved some really cool things, and looking back, I can say we did everything that I set out to do from the very beginning. But we exploded, and quick. With a force I never could have expected. And at the same time my personal life was imploding. Talk about timing.

Since then, I’ve sold virtually everything I own, packed up what was left of my dignity and moved across the country with my roommate and kiddo (plus all the companion animals anyone could ever want). We scraped and carved out a new life in the last few months that doesn’t even vaguely remember the previous one. But was I successful? What the hell was I trying to accomplish? Did I even come close?

I haven’t a clue.

What I can say is that I feel more at peace with myself. I feel more connected to the folks around me in meaningful ways (with the exception of some of my close friends at the old business). I am making more money now, than I ever did in our old city, doing basically the same things I was before I started a business. The financial consequences of a closed business still are looming, but I’m slowly chipping away at them, as time progresses. Does this make me successful? Does it make me a “coulda been”? Or even worse, does it make me a “has been”? These are the questions that roll around in my head while I’m battling insomnia, which thankfully, is not as much of as issue as it was in my previous life.

I think regardless of being successful or not, I am happy with this current incarnation of myself and my life. My kiddo is thriving in ways I never considered. Our roommate is advancing rapidly in her career, where her previous location was stifling her at every turn. I even have a partner who is doing better than he’s ever done in his career. We are all doing amazingly well, in short order. I truly believe that we all had to go through our darkest times, to appreciate the beautiful lives we’ve created recently. I am genuinely grateful that the universe forced me into making drastic, sweeping changes. Life, albeit incredibly difficult, is wonderful.

September 10, 2019 0

What’s the worst that can happen?

architecture bad weather buildings city — Photo by Raine Nectar on Pexels.com

Humans are exceptional at creating things. We can build unthinkable structures, make things that defy reason, and also, we can create a worst-case-scenario that would never, could never, ever come to pass. These “what-ifs” keep us safe and help us negotiate an uncertain world. But these thoughts and actions also prevent us from taking steps toward an unencumbered, beautiful life. I have found myself giving advice to people close to me recently, and the thoughts that I shared were simple: To change your life, you must take the step, and the net will appear. If you are sitting comfortably (or uncomfortably, as it were) in your rut, you cannot see the net that will inevitably catch you. You have to take the step, so the net will appear in your limited field of view.

Have you ever felt yourself stagnating in a soul-sucking job that you hate? Limiting the energy you have for friends, family, self-care, and all of the other things that make this life worth living? I can tell you I’ve had more than my fair share of these experiences. But the paycheck, or the freedom, or comfort, or something else that I tell myself keeps me there far longer than I’d care to be. Thus draining my will and sapping my motivation. There almost assuredly comes a breaking point in these situations, in which I hit the point of no return. This point has been getting shorter and shorter as I age. Maybe it’s my threshold for bullshit is lower, or simply I recognize that my life is more valuable than this, sooner. I don’t know. But I’ve determined that once I get there, nothing will stop me from changing SOMETHING.

Sometimes, what has to change is my mindset. Perhaps I need to view the situation as temporary and muscle through it. Often times, that’s just not my jam. Rather, I cut the cord and bail the hell out. Not everyone has the fortitude to just cut and run from things that no longer serve them. However, it’s a skill I was not born with either. It’s taken years of therapy, self-help books, and constantly reaffirming that I am the master of my own buffet experience. I’m driving this car, and I’ll be damned if I don’t make it to wherever I’m going. I spent countless years of my life afraid and complacent in situations that I had no business entertaining, let alone neck deep in. I was in relationships that were toxic, jobs that caused massive panic attacks and suicidal ideations. I worked for abusive managers, held on tightly to friendships that were so one-sided, that they were causing me mental anguish. None of these situations served me. In abandoning them, what’s the worst that could happen?

For a very long time, I considered that absolute worst things imaginable in these situations. But, changing my situation caused decidedly ZERO of them to come to fruition. In fact, the exact opposite almost always happened. In many of these cases, the best possible things occurred. I changed my outlook, learned something new about myself and others, and I freed up space in my psyche for good things to enter. The best part? Good things ALWAYS entered in some way. Take the step and the net will appear.

A prime example of this is when I decided to start a business. It took a while to get set up, but eventually, I quit my job (for several reasons not related to the business, and much earlier than anticipated). I was terrified. I spent more than a year building something truly amazing. I had a staff that were unparalleled, customers that became like family, and created a community of other businesses and people that are still thriving today. However, despite best intents and efforts, I had to close my establishment. It was devastating. I felt as though I truly let down my community, and in many ways, I did. I let down people who trusted me, and believed in me. I couldn’t go a day without sobbing uncontrollably. It was a slow-motion train wreck, and many of us saw it coming, but when I had to pull the plug, I felt lost and hopeless. I had already accepted a job that was beneath my needs financially, but I was trying to make everything work. It didn’t. Meanwhile, my personal life was also in shambles. I was taking hits from all angles and I couldn’t find the light. There came a moment when I had a good, hard look at my situation though. I determined that I couldn’t wallow a second longer. I had to walk out of this with my head high for what we accomplished, against all odds. I had to live a life of love and gratitude.

This is when the net appeared. I took a step toward the light, toward gratitude, and there was a safety net. The worst HAD happened. I lost almost everything I had been building for years. But my outlook changed and I was, and still am, more grateful for the lessons than I could have ever been otherwise. Everything that I set out to do I accomplished in short order and then it was over. My panic attacks in the middle of the night were also over. I used to wake up in night terrors over the pressure and responsibility I felt for my employees and community at large. I’m still digging myself out of the financial pit closing a retail business entails. And by no means it is easy or fun. However, I feel amazing. I’m truly grateful for everything that happened and that is still happening.

I’ve moved across the country and started a whole new life, while still paying off old items. I’m in a MUCH better situation mentally, financially, and emotionally. I am better equipped to handle the struggles we face with humor and gratitude. I’m showing my kiddo that it’s ok to fail, and that if you make things right with people, even slowly, it’ll be alright. Progress is sometimes slow, but the effort is what people want to see. Not only that, but I feel better for making things right. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I made life harder for a fellow small business.

Anyway, in times where it looks like everything is falling apart, everything could just be falling into place. You never know what awaits you when you let the universe work it’s magic. I can guarantee that it’s beyond your wildest dreams, if you let it. You have to take the step, for the net to appear.

Thanks for reading.

July 27, 2019 0

Like a Phoenix

After being burnt to cinders, the Phoenix of lore, rises out of the ashes and soars with renewed grace and exuberance. However, in none of these stories do they say how long it takes. Nor do they mention, how many times, exactly, this can or will happen. Does the Phoenix have nine lives, like the cat? Or is this rebirth continual, until it learns some sort of lesson about the great beyond or life on this plane? These are the questions I ask myself in fleeting thoughts when thinking about my own story. As a Buddhist, I believe that rebirth happens, until we reach enlightenment. There are spiritual disagreements in the Buddhist world, about when that can or will happen, and by what means. But the overarching belief is that yes, we can be reborn.

In this body, I have lived many lives. These former lives I’ve inhabited seem so long ago and hazy, like a lucid dream. But I know that I lived them. I take with me from these lives, the knowledge and experiences in which formed the adult that I’ve become and will help shape the woman I’m becoming every day. It’s strange to think that once I was a child, a rebellious teenager, a young adult, a wife- twice, and now I’m none of those things. But rather, I’m a survivor, a warrior, a mother, a partner, and an empath… just to rattle off a few things that I’ve turned into over the years.

Much of my mental space has been occupied by manifesting the life I am meant to live, since for entirely too long, I lived a life that did not excite me. I created things that excited me, a business, a network of friends, a family, but I was stuck in the doldrum of a life without fire and passion. I cannot think of a slower, more exhausting path toward death. So, in my spiritual practice, I’ve decided to focus more on meditation. I’ve committed to meditating every day for 40 days. Spiritual leaders of multiple faiths have all come to this “40 day” thing, as a means of connecting with what I will call the Universe. Some people call this God/dess, or Source. Regardless of the choice in word we use to describe the same essential things, for some reason in many texts, 40 days is the sweet spot. Therefore, I’ve chosen that length of time for this initial phase of my practice.

In addition to the meditation challenge that I’ve set out for myself, I’ve decided that I need to up my game. I have very much gotten lazy in a number of ways. Instead of taking the 40 days to just do a single challenge, I’m going to create my “Life Overhaul Bootcamp”. In this challenge, I’m not just going to meditate daily for at least 5 minutes. I’m also going to write at least 500 words a day (almost there right now). But wait, there’s more. Since I’m 100% a glutton for punishment, I’m also committing to do a little bit of exercise every day too. I’m short on time these days, because kiddo and work, and home, and life… but I’m committing to do all these things in like, 30-45 minutes a day. A quick workout, some meditation, and a little writing (blogging, in this case).

I’m over feeling stagnant, like nothing is changing (despite quite literally everything changing recently). I want internal growth, maturing, and conditioning. Outwardly, I’ve got shit together. Everything’s coming up Millhouse (for all you Simpsons fans), but I’ve got a lot of things that I want to make better, and that starts with me. I want to feel calmer and more confident. I want to feel more secure in myself. I want to have better self-mastery. I want to hone my writing and develop my “brand” better. This will force me to do exactly that. I’m excited for this challenge, and I’m so grateful for where my life is at. My kiddo is happy and thriving. I’m challenged and successful doing what I’m doing. I can’t wait to see what’s coming up next.

Be sure to check in on my progress with not just the writing portion, but also the meditating and so on. I’ll be holding myself accountable here as well as celebrating my successes.

July 10, 2019 0

The end of 2014

This year has come with a roller coaster of ups and downs, sideways and upsidedowns. It has seen some of the deepest sadnesses and tragedies, and some of the most important successes our world has ever seen. From brutality to blessings, this has been a very busy year.

Personally, I have experienced many sorrows, coupled with the most delightful joys, however I know that this has not been ‘my year’.

On the horizon, as with every new day, week, year, etc. it opens with the possibility to make it amazing. Granted, it could end up a spinning fireball, but you never know until you take that step, open your eyes when your alarm blares, or do something that pushes you into being a fully authentic version of yourself. That is my hope for each of you and myself for this new year.

When I was younger, whenever I blew out birthday candles, wished on a shooting star, or anything like that, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than to be happy. I always wished for it, like somehow it would just plop into my lap. As I have aged, I still wish for happiness, but I also combine that sincere wish with the work necessaryto achieve it. Happiness in any form is important, but how you think, feel, and act will actually be the deciding factors to your happiness.

For instance, how can people struck by tragedy continue with their lives? They find the simple joys in life to keep them going.

My sincere hope for each of you, my faithful readers and everyone who doesn’t read my blog is this: I wish you happiness, but more than that, I wish that you are able to find it, recognize it, and embrace it, even in the darkest times.

December 31, 2014 0

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