Sometimes I wonder if happiness exists in a vacuum, and I often feel like I’m outside the container. I see happiness all around me and there are so many people talking about happiness, studying it from scientific, religious, or philosophical stances, and delivering it to the masses with such clarity and brevity, it’s difficult to understand that how such an elusive feeling can be captured so succinctly. For example: 
I know what I want, but I just don’t know how to get there. I thought I was on the path to what I wanted, doing the right things, working hard… and then WHAM-O!! I get blindsided by a brick wall, let’s call it “reality?”. On top of that, I’ve had a lifetime of crap I don’t want. From shit friends, to awful jobs and/or bosses that suck my will to live, to people who straight up manipulate me and use me. I feel like I’ve been pretty clear to the universe that I do not want certain things in my life and I’ve gone to painstaking lengths to remove them from my life. Yet, all the while, I don’t feel happier. I don’t feel like I’m any closer to what I do want.
Similarly, I have been pretty clear, at least for the most part…, about what I will tolerate from others. I will tolerate a great deal, and I have a great deal of patience when it comes to certain things and people. Yet, on the other hand, my tolerance and patience is virtually nonexistent for other people and things. That’s just a human flaw I believe. But I’m 100% sure that I will not tolerate people lying, stealing, cheating, or otherwise being hateful toward me. I had to end a friendship that has lasted for more than a decade because I found out this person stole from me and lied. I was completely out of contact with him for more than a year, and now that he lives in a different city, we have only just now started to communicate and it’s only once a week at most. However, even with my boundaries firmly set, and me being honest about where people stand in my life, I still feel no closer to happiness.
This particular image resonates with me significantly. On one side, it’s so trite of someone to say, insinuating that it’s just THAT easy to start doing what you want. I know from example that it’s far from easy. Frankly, I question if it’s even worth it. But at the same time, because it is so difficult for regular people, those of us that have to pay bills, and work lame jobs, and who do not have extensive resources and support systems to allow “dreams to come true”, it makes it that much more enticing. I WANT TO LIVE MY AUTHENTIC LIFE. I do. But again, how do you get there? More importantly, how do you get there without losing everything you’ve worked for? And what if when you “get there” and it’s not what you want after all? How do you even know when you’ve arrived “there”? What does it look like? What does it feel like to be living the life you’ve always dreamed? And I’m not talking about multimillionaire status here, I’m talking genuine happiness. I’ve come to the realization that there are few moments in which I have enjoyed genuine happiness. I think I can count them on two hands.
Recently, my honey, my bestie, and one of my other best friends went to a music festival together. It was so much fun. The most fun I have had in a very long time. The music was amazing, we got to scratch a couple items off the bucket list, and it was just a great time. But what goes up, must come down. The next two days (the show was on a Friday) were incredibly challenging and negative. I honestly couldn’t wait to go back to work where I didn’t have to deal with my “real” life. I hate feeling like that. I want to enjoy my time off, since it’s the only time where I can do the things that I don’t HAVE to do. Yes, I do things that I have to do, like clean the house and grocery shopping, but that’s minor. I don’t have to stare at a computer in spreadsheet hell for 8+ hours a day. But when I have weekends where I’m just over it and it’s nothing but conflict, what’s the point of being home? I might as well just go back to spreadsheet hell. At least there, I’m getting paid to deal with it. At home, I’m basically paying for the privilege to be not at work. I do not like that idea at all.
Because I’ve sort of been living in my own personal hell these days, aside from the spreadsheets, stemming from school and my educational future, I haven’t had a chance to come up for air. We are still dealing with the financial repercussions of having to take a few months off for my internship and unexpected bills. Of course, the holidays do not make paying down debt easier. It’s frustrating and I feel defeated. I am trying to find those moments, however fleeting, where I can enjoy genuine happiness and I’m slowly making tangible changes to achieve personal goals. I plan to take some classes after the new year that will not only enrich my mind, but also my physical self. It will help achieve several goals I have set for myself. I am really looking forward to this. I am hopeful that my bestie will get to take them with me. We can both scratch that off the bucket list. It’s hard though, being so removed from my genuine self for so many years, to get back to that person. I’m not sure that person even exists anymore. All I know if that I have to begin doing the things that I know I used to love, to see if they still fit. I want to fun things, that also enrich my mind and spirit. I’ll let you know how that goes, as I start doing them. Wish me luck!
I hope that each of you consider what is preventing you from living your genuine truth, if you aren’t already living it. When you put your finger on the problem, it becomes easier to move beyond. Best of luck my faithful and new readers. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate you.
