Life is funny sometimes all the time. It certainly sucks less when you approach it with a sense of humor.
This week has been challenging and I could have definitely changed how I reacted in a few situations. But I’m human and still learning and growing. I’ve made an internal promise that I will no longer talk to myself in a way that I would not talk to a person close to me. I’ve even done my best to curb the internal dialogue in my head, the one that loves to concoct stories about my worth, which are simply not true. I’ve also fallen short of my goal of four times per week, writing this blog. I am fully aware that I have made a few choices to do something else with my time, and am not beating myself about it, as I would have in the past. Again, human being, with humans in my life that also require and deserve my attention.
In positive news, we here have decided to make some healthy, positive changes to our daily routines. The primary one is getting a gym membership at the local YMCA. I’ve been out of competitive sports for a number of years and I have decided that my sedentary lifestyle as of late, is creating problems in my psyche. I have been using time and childcare as a crutch for why I couldn’t work out, and finances are finally lining up the way they’re supposed to. This Y also has a daycare center onsite, which will be really convenient when my temporary work assignment ends. Additionally, when the weather is garbage in the upper midwest, we will have a nearby place to workout and warm up.
I’m really excited to have something to do in the evenings that isn’t dealing with pets and home and nonsense adult things. Instead, we can be active, and do things that are healthy for our minds and spirits. My partner is potentially less excited than me, but he will live. The kiddo doesn’t even know what it means, but she’s going to the gym to hang out with other kids. And learn to swim. That’s also something I’m very excited about. She needs to know how to swim for so many reasons. We live in a state where “lake life” is a real thing. Oddly enough, after living in a sun state for several years, she still doesn’t know how to independently.
In addition to having a rad place to exercise close to home, we are just doing our best to live our best lives and be good humans. I’ve been doing everything I can to be positive and patient with all things and people who cross my path. Being grateful has helped significantly with all these things. I’ve been listening to tons of audiobooks from the library website, which has added enrichment to my days, and provided much insight into humanity. This habit has allowed me to focus on a number of things that I’m working on. And that makes me happier in general.
Humans are exceptional at creating things. We can build unthinkable structures, make things that defy reason, and also, we can create a worst-case-scenario that would never, could never, ever come to pass. These “what-ifs” keep us safe and help us negotiate an uncertain world. But these thoughts and actions also prevent us from taking steps toward an unencumbered, beautiful life. I have found myself giving advice to people close to me recently, and the thoughts that I shared were simple: To change your life, you must take the step, and the net will appear. If you are sitting comfortably (or uncomfortably, as it were) in your rut, you cannot see the net that will inevitably catch you. You have to take the step, so the net will appear in your limited field of view.
Have you ever felt yourself stagnating in a soul-sucking job that you hate? Limiting the energy you have for friends, family, self-care, and all of the other things that make this life worth living? I can tell you I’ve had more than my fair share of these experiences. But the paycheck, or the freedom, or comfort, or something else that I tell myself keeps me there far longer than I’d care to be. Thus draining my will and sapping my motivation. There almost assuredly comes a breaking point in these situations, in which I hit the point of no return. This point has been getting shorter and shorter as I age. Maybe it’s my threshold for bullshit is lower, or simply I recognize that my life is more valuable than this, sooner. I don’t know. But I’ve determined that once I get there, nothing will stop me from changing SOMETHING.
Sometimes, what has to change is my mindset. Perhaps I need to view the situation as temporary and muscle through it. Often times, that’s just not my jam. Rather, I cut the cord and bail the hell out. Not everyone has the fortitude to just cut and run from things that no longer serve them. However, it’s a skill I was not born with either. It’s taken years of therapy, self-help books, and constantly reaffirming that I am the master of my own buffet experience. I’m driving this car, and I’ll be damned if I don’t make it to wherever I’m going. I spent countless years of my life afraid and complacent in situations that I had no business entertaining, let alone neck deep in. I was in relationships that were toxic, jobs that caused massive panic attacks and suicidal ideations. I worked for abusive managers, held on tightly to friendships that were so one-sided, that they were causing me mental anguish. None of these situations served me. In abandoning them, what’s the worst that could happen?
For a very long time, I considered that absolute worst things imaginable in these situations. But, changing my situation caused decidedly ZERO of them to come to fruition. In fact, the exact opposite almost always happened. In many of these cases, the best possible things occurred. I changed my outlook, learned something new about myself and others, and I freed up space in my psyche for good things to enter. The best part? Good things ALWAYS entered in some way. Take the step and the net will appear.
A prime example of this is when I decided to start a business. It took a while to get set up, but eventually, I quit my job (for several reasons not related to the business, and much earlier than anticipated). I was terrified. I spent more than a year building something truly amazing. I had a staff that were unparalleled, customers that became like family, and created a community of other businesses and people that are still thriving today. However, despite best intents and efforts, I had to close my establishment. It was devastating. I felt as though I truly let down my community, and in many ways, I did. I let down people who trusted me, and believed in me. I couldn’t go a day without sobbing uncontrollably. It was a slow-motion train wreck, and many of us saw it coming, but when I had to pull the plug, I felt lost and hopeless. I had already accepted a job that was beneath my needs financially, but I was trying to make everything work. It didn’t. Meanwhile, my personal life was also in shambles. I was taking hits from all angles and I couldn’t find the light. There came a moment when I had a good, hard look at my situation though. I determined that I couldn’t wallow a second longer. I had to walk out of this with my head high for what we accomplished, against all odds. I had to live a life of love and gratitude.
This is when the net appeared. I took a step toward the light, toward gratitude, and there was a safety net. The worst HAD happened. I lost almost everything I had been building for years. But my outlook changed and I was, and still am, more grateful for the lessons than I could have ever been otherwise. Everything that I set out to do I accomplished in short order and then it was over. My panic attacks in the middle of the night were also over. I used to wake up in night terrors over the pressure and responsibility I felt for my employees and community at large. I’m still digging myself out of the financial pit closing a retail business entails. And by no means it is easy or fun. However, I feel amazing. I’m truly grateful for everything that happened and that is still happening.
I’ve moved across the country and started a whole new life, while still paying off old items. I’m in a MUCH better situation mentally, financially, and emotionally. I am better equipped to handle the struggles we face with humor and gratitude. I’m showing my kiddo that it’s ok to fail, and that if you make things right with people, even slowly, it’ll be alright. Progress is sometimes slow, but the effort is what people want to see. Not only that, but I feel better for making things right. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I made life harder for a fellow small business.
Anyway, in times where it looks like everything is falling apart, everything could just be falling into place. You never know what awaits you when you let the universe work it’s magic. I can guarantee that it’s beyond your wildest dreams, if you let it. You have to take the step, for the net to appear.
Whomever thought to give humans free will was the architect of the cruelest and sickest joke of all time. In reality, we have little more than patterns we’ve learned and a few sucky choices. When presented with a tough choice, how many times have they been choices you’re excited or happy about? I can’t think of many examples. Freedom of choice is also often paralyzing for humans. Our paleo brains are just not wired to choose between 17 types of cereal.
More to my point though, is that we typically fall prey to our patterns. It could be subconscious, environmental, or learned patterns from our upbringing or elsewhere. Despite our best efforts, humans fall into these patterns and it’s incredibly challenging, even under the best circumstances and motivations, to break them.
For instance, one of my patterns, and there are many I’ve identified, is that when things get overwhelming, too stressful, or intense, I shut down. That’s right. Brain off, decision making ability, higher cognitive processes, all shut off. I sometimes get a glazed look over my eyes and have a hard time speaking coherently. Obviously, this is an extreme example of what happens under real duress for me. Yet, I’ve tried to work through it, because typically these situations are predicated by an extreme argument with someone in my close circle. Though, I’ve made little more than a dent. It’s possible I learned this as a child, or young adult, or it could also be the result of PTSD due to an abusive relationship in my late 20’s. Regardless of WHERE, the WHAT still remains.
I have read countless books on joy, happiness, shame, guilt, and more human behaviors than I can shake a stick at. Still, I fall prey to conditioning and thought patterns. Even this blog is an example. When life gets complicated, I take some time away, rather than leaning in to my writing.
When I’m tired and hungry, I get short tempered, and lash out when people frustrate me. When my dogs are being jerks, I have my “go-to” reaction of putting them in their kennels until they settle down, rather than sussing out the problem. Humans are too stretched and too overwhelmed to deal with some of our problems of modernity, so to cut corners, we fall into patterns.
Stereotypes are a prime example for patterns, because in groups of people, our brains seek out the similarities, as exactly a shortcut. These shortcuts become wired into our neurons because it’s easier than forming new ones all the time. As we keep using those neuro-pathways, we strengthen them, creating even more difficulty breaking the thought cycles. Quite literally, it’s how we are wired over and over again.
Contrary to all this, it’s been my personal mission to “go the other way”. Yes, I fall into conditioned responses and trust me when I say, I’m a creature of habit. However, I do my absolute best to be on the other side of these things. I have spent enough time in therapy to recognize that while I WANT to run away when things get messy, I call it out, as I’m doing here right now, and go the other way. I want to LEAN IN, instead of running away. It’s important that we do things that we are uncomfortable doing as often as possible (safety concerns notwithstanding). Breaking those habits, creating new neuro-pathways, and MAKING DIFFERENT CHOICES is how we grow and change. It’s how we become better people by and large. That’s one of my personal missions, becoming better than I was yesterday. We do that by making the hard choices to go the other way whenever possible and forming new pathways to travel in our heads.
Today, I choose happy instead of comfortable. I choose love over anger and frustration.
Without making excuses, I didn’t do all the parts to my challenge yesterday. I didn’t write and I didn’t meditate for 5 mins. More like, 30 seconds before I fell asleep. So, I’m back to day one of this adventure. I’m glad that I didn’t make it to day 37 and have to start again, but I suspect that this is going to be a theme for a little while. However, even then, what difference does it really make? I’ll likely have to start over more than just this time, in all reality. Since, busy life and forgetful.
That brings up an interesting issue, that’s kind of been a theme today. Starting over, while totally annoying, isn’t always a bad thing. You get to perfect whatever it is and get it right. You get to try new ways of doing things, in hopes of learning and growing. You get to experience a deeper relationship with yourself and possibly those around you. Notice how I say “get to” instead of “have to”.
Take a look to your left right now, and then to your right. Look up, down, all around. THIS is your life. It’s the life you’ve currently got, and only you can change your circumstances to change your life, if you aren’t happy. There’s nothing else, this is what you’ve got. Sometimes that’s a really harsh reality. I’ve been there, recently. Trust me when I say accepting your station in life blows… hard. The good news that it’s never, ever too late to start over. Yes, starting over bites the big one too, sometimes. Nobody said it would be easy. Yet, in many cases it’s so fucking worth it. If it turns out that this new life you’ve created blows too, guess what? You can have another do-over!
Looking back, I’ve lived at least four distinct lives since my late teens. Each era seems like an entire lifetime in a jar, and in many cases that is exactly true. However, about every 7-10 years we totally ARE different people. All of our cells have been reborn at least once, and we are simply older and wiser, theoretically. We are shedding our old selves in slow motion almost. It’s really a cool thing about the human body. But more to the point, even our brains are reborn about every decade, leaving us to think and be new with each passing era in our lives. Hopefully we are able to learn the lessons available to us throughout this crazy journey of continually reinventing ourselves. Unless you’re like me, of course, and have to learn these lessons repeatedly and always the hard way.
Intellectually, I know better, but in real life, learning my lessons the first time, or without great challenge has been easier said than done. Though, looking back, I have to say that I welcome the struggle. In the midst of the bullshit, I can say I’d rather not, but it’s really important to me that I have struggled. Not so I can play the victim for the rest of my days, but rather so that I can know my own strength and my abilities during times of hardship. It’s important to me that I earn my stripes. I know that isn’t for everyone, and I accept that some people are just not the same as me.
Regardless of where you find yourself on the hardship spectrum, good luck to each of you on your paths. I wish you learning your lessons in a way that’s meaningful to you.
When I searched Universe on dictionary.com, this is what came back.
*NOUN
(the universe)
all existing matter and space considered as a whole; the cosmos. The universe is believed to be at least 10 billion light years in diameter and contains a vast number of galaxies; it has been expanding since its creation in the Big Bang about 13 billion years ago.
When you break the word into it’s corresponding parts you get the following:
*Uni- one; having or consisting of one.
*Verse- denoting an area of activity or interest or a section of society distinguished by a particular characteristic. <there are many definitions of verse relating to poetry and writing, but they simply don’t apply to what I’m trying to discuss in this post.>
What does Uni- Verse really mean though? One place. One activity. Singular. The only one. There are some theories about multi-verses, but honestly I just don’t know enough about that sort of stuff to posit an educated response to them. So for the purpose of this entry, I am going to focus on One-Ness.
As a spiritual being, I call our Source, or what other people refer to as God, The Universe. It is the place from which we all came. The startdust, the energy, the “matter” from which we are all part of and connected to, was found in the cosmos before we were created. If you believe in Intelligent Design, or the Big Bang… we were all born out of “nothingness” and created into “somethingness”. What we do with this precious life we’ve been granted, is entirely up to us to create.
What do you spend your time creating? I choose to create a life filled with love, harmony, gratitude, respect, dignity, protection, service, honesty, tenacity, diligence, and so many more things. All of them are positive and focused on being the best person I can be, and doing everything in my human power to teach and guide and love those around me. I am constantly left in awe of the human spirit and tenacious ability to overcome adversity. We are such marvelous creatures and we can do anything. We simply have to believe it, and stop at nothing to do it.
The singularity, the one-ness that we all share is often called the collective conscious or humanity. But I believe that it is so much deeper than that. I genuinely believe that we are all interconnected. By the stardust and the energy that flows through us, we are connected with everyone and everything that has ever been created. We are part of the earth, the trees, the fish, the streams, the air, the cosmos. We are quite literally interconnected with all things, seen and unseen in the universe. It’s until we recognize this, that we feel separate, alone, and isolated. Until we realize that we could not be more wrong about being “individuals”, we will never truly reach our potential.
The potential for us to reach enlightenment, heaven, salvation… it’s the infinite, ultimate achievement. Or is it? Obviously, these questions are unanswerable by just a regular person like me. But it’s something to consider, without dogma attached. We need to consider how we behave on this plane of existence, and not concern ourselves with only the after-life, though. Because what we do here is what determines after-life in many faith traditions. You’re not guaranteed salvation if you’re a dick to people on earth, sorry to say. You will never reach the pinnacle of consciousness if you suck as a person. You cannot buy your way into heaven, not by tithing, not by playing lip service to the whatever. You have to be a good person to gain access to the good things we are promised by religion. If you don’t subscribe to a religion, that’s cool too. You’re still not allowed to be a dirtbag, a jerk, or any other sort of jackass. What you do on this planet affects us all. We are all interconnected. We are in this together, forever and ever. Remember this, and take it to heart. Everyone will be better for it, yourself included.
