Writing

As of late

Recent weeks have significantly impacted my life. There have been major complications and setbacks that I never could have imagined, personally and professionally. The path ahead is incredibly uncertain and truthfully, we are forced to simply take things one day at a time and hope for the best. This is certainly one of the most challenging times in a very long time. That’s not to say my life hasn’t been an intensely uphill battle, because in honesty, I cannot think of a time where things were easy, or even ‘calm’. I’ve been surrounded by chaos as long as I can remember, and much of it was self inflicted because of poor life choices. That’s, in part, why things are chaotic now. My honey and I have both made some poor choices over the last couple years and those consequences are coming home to roost, leaving us with little choice but to take it as it comes and do our best. But this morning I had this overwhelming sense that regardless of what happens today, or what happened yesterday, today is a new day. I have the opportunity to greet the day soiled from yesterday’s mess, or I have the choice to see it as a clean slate in which I will write my actions and thoughts that will see me until tomorrow. And then, that too will be a new day. I can choose to walk through my day with love and positivity, to count my blessings, to revel in the little things that make my life worth living, or I can choose to let the day beat me I to submission, only to return to my bed broken and defeated. I’m 100% sure there are going to be bad things that happen today, but if I let them roll off me like water, I may not drown in the deluge. For the record: I hate the rain, but it provides us with food and cleaner air, and cools the hot summers. So there is good that comes from the torrents, you just have to choose to see the good, instead of the bad. So I am actively making a choice this morning, to see the positivity and to feel the love of this new day. I’m going to seize the opportunity to make it a good day, whatever comes.  

 

0

Sometimes happiness just happens

The quest for personal improvement for the purpose of living a happier life can be daunting. It’s tough to focus on this set of goals that I feel will bring me closer to happiness, at least in my rational mind, on a more regular basis, while at the same time you have a million spinning plates that can send your daily life crashing down in a heap of shrapnel. Being acutely aware that one plate can destroy to rest in a blink is also an extremely stressful scenario that many of us face. I don’t see a week go by without someone I know having a meltdown or major anxiety due to one plate crashing or potentially crashing into everything they’ve worked so hard for. And maybe that’s part of the problem? We are trying to control a million moving parts while still seeking the elusive ‘happiness’ that many of us simply cannot even truly describe in real terms. 

I have experienced this myself recently. Without going into too much personal detail, I left a job that wasn’t really taking me anywhere in my quest for experience or happiness but it was full time and paid the bills. But an opportunity came across my plate in which I couldn’t deny. The pay was similar but the hours were cut in half from where I was. I took a leap and started the part time job, only to be offered a different job with a very well know hospital system. Those were full time hours, making even more money. But the downside was the flaming hoops I would have to jump through just made it seem less appealing. Instead, I decided to stay where I was at and we would just figure out the rest later. But strangely, at the same time another part time opportunity passed my way. The hours were perfect for my other job and the pay was good. So, basically my complete panic and fear was unnecessary because things were going to work out anyway. They actually worked out better than I hoped or expected. Granted, I have two jobs that are both quite high pressure, they are both exactly what I need at this time. Sometimes things just work out. They generally don’t work out the way we want them to, but by letting go of control over every detail, things can work out the way they’re meant to to bring us to the path we are destined to walk. 

This doesn’t mean I’m not still going to trying guide my path in the ways I think it should be, because let’s face it, I’m a control freak that needs to know and understand everything. I can’t just throw caution to the wind, it’s not my nature. But letting the universe work for me in it’s own way is something I need to incorporate more often into my life. The results are so far, pretty good. 



0

The end of 2014

This year has come with a roller coaster of ups and downs, sideways and upsidedowns. It has seen some of the deepest sadnesses and tragedies, and some of the most important successes our world has ever seen. From brutality to blessings, this has been a very busy year.

Personally, I have experienced many sorrows, coupled with the most delightful joys, however I know that this has not been ‘my year’.

On the horizon, as with every new day, week, year, etc. it opens with the possibility to make it amazing. Granted, it could end up a spinning fireball, but you never know until you take that step, open your eyes when your alarm blares, or do something that pushes you into being a fully authentic version of yourself. That is my hope for each of you and myself for this new year.

When I was younger, whenever I blew out birthday candles, wished on a shooting star, or anything like that, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than to be happy. I always wished for it, like somehow it would just plop into my lap. As I have aged, I still wish for happiness, but I also combine that sincere wish with the work necessaryto achieve it. Happiness in any form is important, but how you think, feel, and act will actually be the deciding factors to your happiness.

For instance, how can people struck by tragedy continue with their lives? They find the simple joys in life to keep them going.

My sincere hope for each of you, my faithful readers and everyone who doesn’t read my blog is this: I wish you happiness, but more than that, I wish that you are able to find it, recognize it, and embrace it, even in the darkest times.

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/d9d/30989458/files/2014/12/img_5713.jpg

0

The Human Side of Happiness

Sometimes I wonder if happiness exists in a vacuum, and I often feel like I’m outside the container. I see happiness all around me and there are so many people talking about happiness, studying it from scientific, religious, or philosophical stances, and delivering it to the masses with such clarity and brevity, it’s difficult to understand that how such an elusive feeling can be captured so succinctly. For example: wantsI know what I want, but I just don’t know how to get there. I thought I was on the path to what I wanted, doing the right things, working hard… and then WHAM-O!! I get blindsided by a brick wall, let’s call it “reality?”. On top of that, I’ve had a lifetime of crap I don’t want. From shit friends, to awful jobs and/or bosses that suck my will to live, to people who straight up manipulate me and use me. I feel like I’ve been pretty clear to the universe that I do not want certain things in my life and I’ve gone to painstaking lengths to remove them from my life. Yet, all the while, I don’t feel happier. I don’t feel like I’m any closer to what I do want.

tolerateSimilarly, I have been pretty clear, at least for the most part…, about what I will tolerate from others. I will tolerate a great deal, and I have a great deal of patience when it comes to certain things and people. Yet, on the other hand, my tolerance and patience is virtually nonexistent for other people and things. That’s just a human flaw I believe. But I’m 100% sure that I will not tolerate people lying, stealing, cheating, or otherwise being hateful toward me. I had to end a friendship that has lasted for more than a decade because I found out this person stole from me and lied. I was completely out of contact with him for more than a year, and now that he lives in a different city, we have only just now started to communicate and it’s only once a week at most. However, even with my boundaries firmly set, and me being honest about where people stand in my life, I still feel no closer to happiness.

lifeThis particular image resonates with me significantly. On one side, it’s so trite of someone to say, insinuating that it’s just THAT easy to start doing what you want. I know from example that it’s far from easy. Frankly, I question if it’s even worth it. But at the same time, because it is so difficult for regular people, those of us that have to pay bills, and work lame jobs, and who do not have extensive resources and support systems to allow “dreams to come true”, it makes it that much more enticing. I WANT TO LIVE MY AUTHENTIC LIFE. I do. But again, how do you get there? More importantly, how do you get there without losing everything you’ve worked for? And what if when you “get there” and it’s not what you want after all? How do you even know when you’ve arrived “there”? What does it look like? What does it feel like to be living the life you’ve always dreamed? And I’m not talking about multimillionaire status here, I’m talking genuine happiness. I’ve come to the realization that there are few moments in which I have enjoyed genuine happiness. I think I can count them on two hands.

Recently, my honey, my bestie, and one of my other best friends went to a music festival together. It was so much fun. The most fun I have had in a very long time. The music was amazing, we got to scratch a couple items off the bucket list, and it was just a great time. But what goes up, must come down. The next two days (the show was on a Friday) were incredibly challenging and negative. I honestly couldn’t wait to go back to work where I didn’t have to deal with my “real” life. I hate feeling like that. I want to enjoy my time off, since it’s the only time where I can do the things that I don’t HAVE to do. Yes, I do things that I have to do, like clean the house and grocery shopping, but that’s minor. I don’t have to stare at a computer in spreadsheet hell for 8+ hours a day. But when I have weekends where I’m just over it and it’s nothing but conflict, what’s the point of being home? I might as well just go back to spreadsheet hell. At least there, I’m getting paid to deal with it. At home, I’m basically paying for the privilege to be not at work. I do not like that idea at all.

Because I’ve sort of been living in my own personal hell these days, aside from the spreadsheets, stemming from school and my educational future, I haven’t had a chance to come up for air. We are still dealing with the financial repercussions of having to take a few months off for my internship and unexpected bills. Of course, the holidays do not make paying down debt easier. It’s frustrating and I feel defeated. I am trying to find those moments, however fleeting, where I can enjoy genuine happiness and I’m slowly making tangible changes to achieve personal goals. I plan to take some classes after the new year that will not only enrich my mind, but also my physical self. It will help achieve several goals I have set for myself. I am really looking forward to this. I am hopeful that my bestie will get to take them with me. We can both scratch that off the bucket list. It’s hard though, being so removed from my genuine self for so many years, to get back to that person. I’m not sure that person even exists anymore. All I know if that I have to begin doing the things that I know I used to love, to see if they still fit. I want to fun things, that also enrich my mind and spirit. I’ll let you know how that goes, as I start doing them. Wish me luck!

I hope that each of you consider what is preventing you from living your genuine truth, if you aren’t already living it. When you put your finger on the problem, it becomes easier to move beyond. Best of luck my faithful and new readers. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate you.

0

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑