Writing

Let go, or be dragged

The title of this entry is that of a Zen proverb that I recently read and it rang very true to me. This, as any long time reader knows, is something that I struggle with; letting go. I’m a Type A personality, therefore control, being uptight, and regularly stressed out are common symptoms of my being. But recently, I’ve become much more humbled, as things that are wholly out of my control have begun to dictate my life. Granted, I shouldn’t “let outside forces DICTATE my life”, but as I casually say frequently, life. happened. And by life happening, I mean that finances change, relationships change, the climate changes. None of these things can I directly control. If I could, the world would be a very different place, but alas, I digress.

As I see it, because of all these significant changes around me, I want to exert more control over the things around me that I may or may not be able to control. For instance, I feel like things outside my home are extremely chaotic at the moment, which means that I want more order and structure IN the home. My husband and pets probably like this very little, but I feel better. I am currently having some health issues, so I colored my hair. My husband and I are at an impasse currently about hair. He’s not “allowed” to cut his until he “let’s” me cut mine. He was less than thrilled about the coloring aspect, but I’m sorry, I need some grey coverage.

These are just a few examples of how I’m trying to take back control of my environment, considering it seems like nothing more than shifting sand beneath my feet. What I wouldn’t give to regain some of the things that I’ve recently lost, time, money, control… whatever. But here’s where it gets tricky. If I am amble to control or influence everything, would anything change for the better? Would I progress into my most authentic self, without there being a series of conflicts? I’ve read and heard that we do our best soul-searching and most significant positive growth after periods of hardship or struggle. If that’s the case, I think I’m going to be Wonder Woman by the time I’m out of this blasted tunnel, but again, I digress.

There’s a song by the band Modest Mouse that I think of every time I’m feeling down or out of control in regards to the vast amounts of crap I endure on a regular basis. The lyric goes “If life’s not beautiful without the pain, then I’d rather just never see beauty again…”. Often times when you’re in the trench, in the darkness of life happening to you, rather than with or for you, I just can’t shake the idea that sometimes, the hardships are just not worth it. The adage or “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” may very well be true, but it also makes people harder, and often times more cynical. I feel like the rocks in the ocean that eventually, after decades of getting pummeled by the sea, end up shattering into billions of pieces along the shore.

But I think this is where the letting go part applies. Without letting go, you will be shattered into a billion pieces, slowly but surely. Letting go allows you to float in the sea, being tossed around, rather than ground into dust. I’ve yet to really decide which I prefer, the steadfast nature of the cliff that slowly erodes into the sand, or the pebble that breaks away to be carried off by the tide to unknown places. I can say for sure that I’m tired either way. I’m tired of holding on, and I’m tired of the unknown surprises that come along in the surf.

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As of late

Recent weeks have significantly impacted my life. There have been major complications and setbacks that I never could have imagined, personally and professionally. The path ahead is incredibly uncertain and truthfully, we are forced to simply take things one day at a time and hope for the best. This is certainly one of the most challenging times in a very long time. That’s not to say my life hasn’t been an intensely uphill battle, because in honesty, I cannot think of a time where things were easy, or even ‘calm’. I’ve been surrounded by chaos as long as I can remember, and much of it was self inflicted because of poor life choices. That’s, in part, why things are chaotic now. My honey and I have both made some poor choices over the last couple years and those consequences are coming home to roost, leaving us with little choice but to take it as it comes and do our best. But this morning I had this overwhelming sense that regardless of what happens today, or what happened yesterday, today is a new day. I have the opportunity to greet the day soiled from yesterday’s mess, or I have the choice to see it as a clean slate in which I will write my actions and thoughts that will see me until tomorrow. And then, that too will be a new day. I can choose to walk through my day with love and positivity, to count my blessings, to revel in the little things that make my life worth living, or I can choose to let the day beat me I to submission, only to return to my bed broken and defeated. I’m 100% sure there are going to be bad things that happen today, but if I let them roll off me like water, I may not drown in the deluge. For the record: I hate the rain, but it provides us with food and cleaner air, and cools the hot summers. So there is good that comes from the torrents, you just have to choose to see the good, instead of the bad. So I am actively making a choice this morning, to see the positivity and to feel the love of this new day. I’m going to seize the opportunity to make it a good day, whatever comes.  

 

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Sometimes happiness just happens

The quest for personal improvement for the purpose of living a happier life can be daunting. It’s tough to focus on this set of goals that I feel will bring me closer to happiness, at least in my rational mind, on a more regular basis, while at the same time you have a million spinning plates that can send your daily life crashing down in a heap of shrapnel. Being acutely aware that one plate can destroy to rest in a blink is also an extremely stressful scenario that many of us face. I don’t see a week go by without someone I know having a meltdown or major anxiety due to one plate crashing or potentially crashing into everything they’ve worked so hard for. And maybe that’s part of the problem? We are trying to control a million moving parts while still seeking the elusive ‘happiness’ that many of us simply cannot even truly describe in real terms. 

I have experienced this myself recently. Without going into too much personal detail, I left a job that wasn’t really taking me anywhere in my quest for experience or happiness but it was full time and paid the bills. But an opportunity came across my plate in which I couldn’t deny. The pay was similar but the hours were cut in half from where I was. I took a leap and started the part time job, only to be offered a different job with a very well know hospital system. Those were full time hours, making even more money. But the downside was the flaming hoops I would have to jump through just made it seem less appealing. Instead, I decided to stay where I was at and we would just figure out the rest later. But strangely, at the same time another part time opportunity passed my way. The hours were perfect for my other job and the pay was good. So, basically my complete panic and fear was unnecessary because things were going to work out anyway. They actually worked out better than I hoped or expected. Granted, I have two jobs that are both quite high pressure, they are both exactly what I need at this time. Sometimes things just work out. They generally don’t work out the way we want them to, but by letting go of control over every detail, things can work out the way they’re meant to to bring us to the path we are destined to walk. 

This doesn’t mean I’m not still going to trying guide my path in the ways I think it should be, because let’s face it, I’m a control freak that needs to know and understand everything. I can’t just throw caution to the wind, it’s not my nature. But letting the universe work for me in it’s own way is something I need to incorporate more often into my life. The results are so far, pretty good. 



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The end of 2014

This year has come with a roller coaster of ups and downs, sideways and upsidedowns. It has seen some of the deepest sadnesses and tragedies, and some of the most important successes our world has ever seen. From brutality to blessings, this has been a very busy year.

Personally, I have experienced many sorrows, coupled with the most delightful joys, however I know that this has not been ‘my year’.

On the horizon, as with every new day, week, year, etc. it opens with the possibility to make it amazing. Granted, it could end up a spinning fireball, but you never know until you take that step, open your eyes when your alarm blares, or do something that pushes you into being a fully authentic version of yourself. That is my hope for each of you and myself for this new year.

When I was younger, whenever I blew out birthday candles, wished on a shooting star, or anything like that, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than to be happy. I always wished for it, like somehow it would just plop into my lap. As I have aged, I still wish for happiness, but I also combine that sincere wish with the work necessaryto achieve it. Happiness in any form is important, but how you think, feel, and act will actually be the deciding factors to your happiness.

For instance, how can people struck by tragedy continue with their lives? They find the simple joys in life to keep them going.

My sincere hope for each of you, my faithful readers and everyone who doesn’t read my blog is this: I wish you happiness, but more than that, I wish that you are able to find it, recognize it, and embrace it, even in the darkest times.

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