Writing

Going back to what I know

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Hello my faithful readers. Thank you all for continuing to support me since I’ve been touch and go. I appreciate all of your feedback and comments.

About today’s blog: I have been living through a pretty definitive shift in my life lately, much of which is out of my control. However, what IS in my control, is how I deal with these things. My usual method has to been to get angry, upset and withdrawn. These have been my “go-to” feelings when things are not the way I want them to be. However, since the inception of this blog and numerous vents to people close to my heart, it has finally settled into my brainhole that this simply does not work for me. I’m not sure that it ever did, but, damn I’m stubborn. Unfortunately, I’ve met my stubborn match, who is frighteningly similar to myself many years ago. More on that another time… Anyway, the point is that I am stubborn and I am in a relationship with another stubborn person. I am no longer able to get angry, upset and withdrawn if I want to continue to have a relationship with this person (which, obviously, I do).

Instead, I need to find the happiness that I’ve researched and written about at such length, but I also have to go back to what i know about myself, my spirit and my true self. These things are all intertwined within this person I call myself, and I am also significantly interwoven into the fabric of my life… my school, my work, my family and friends… we are all interconnected and I have been forgetting this, along with myself, in this recent time of internal and external struggle.

I also find that when I am struggling and getting angry, upset and withdrawn, instead of getting what I need, which is comfort, love, affection and just plain old attention, I get less and less of it. I’m guessing it’s because I’m being an ass and people don’t like that. I’ve also noticed that my negativity just compounds. Nobody likes that either, not even myself. I want to feel happy and joyous. I want to feel wanted, needed, needed and included, just like everyone else. The only difference is that I am getting swallowed up in the pit of despair, instead of finding the happiness that I know is not external, but an internal force. It’s just buried beneath the loneliness that I’ve been feeling lately with being isolated from those I love.

So, I have decided that I’m turning over a new leaf by going back to the old leaf that works. Spring is here (at least in my neck of the woods) and I need to be on the path to growth, rebirth, and rejuvenation. I’m going to start making it a point to focus on all the work that I put into researching and implementing changes over the last couple of years with this blog and rekindle my love for writing, and the pursuit of happiness. Great things are on the horizon friends, and I’m not going to wait for them to land in my lap. I’m going to run for it and seek out my bliss and do what I can to improve my coping skills and declutter my mind and heart. These things I know and these are the things that will guide me out of the pit and into the garden (figuratively and literally. More on that another time).

Again, dear readers, please note that I value each of you and any feedback you may have for me. I wish each of you the best on your respective journeys and hopefully you will also find your joys. Please feel free to share any stories or struggles, words of encouragement. I appreciate it all.

Take care and I’ll see you soon!

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International Happiness Day

Hello my readers. I am still alive and kicking, but graduate school has once again taken over.

Just a brief post about international happiness day is all I’ve got time for. First, is the world so unhappy that we need to designate a day for it’s remembrance? And second, since we have this day (and all others), how are you going to spend it, happily of course?

Thank you for sticking by me and continuing to follow this blog. I promise to write more, when I have the opportunity.

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The Year in Review!

As compared with last year, I didn’t exactly write down my “goals” for the year. I have actually done that for several years and when I do my year in review, I feel pretty bummed out that so few of the items on my list were accomplished. For instance, I’ve been trying to learn to snowboard for at least 6 years. Not even once has that happened. However, instead of doing that particular thing, I liberated an old console stereo from the 70s (it’s in pretty good shape) from our local Goodwill and will refinish it as time allows. Image

I’ve also done some things that I didn’t think I would do, like get married. We went on a lovely honeymoon to the Caribbean and it’s a trip I will never forget. But I realize that without some idea of goals, it’s tough to get much done, in that area of life. More times than not, it is just an endless string of days that are similar, if not the same, as the one previous and following. I feel like this time last year was barely a blink ago, while at the same time, the days seem like they’re endless. It’s a strange feeling. But I am fortunate to be living this life. As part of a meditation goes in Buddhism: “Hard is it to be born into human life. Now I am living it.” This means quite simply that being born into a human form is not easy, but each of us are fortunate enough to find ourselves here and we must make the best of it while we have this time.

My goal for 2014 is to make the best of it. I have a power year ahead of me with work and school, since I’m determined to complete my degree by this time next year, instead of taking the minimum and having to wait 2 years. Forget that! I want to be done with school and getting on to my future. That happens in 2014. So I will be overloaded as usual with work and homework, but it will be worth it. I’m also going to focus more on my garden to foster our self sufficiency. Plus, as any home owner knows, repairs and upkeep are an endless task. There will be some of that happening.

Anyway, I hope that you all find your bliss, review this past year and set goals that cultivate creativity, joy and peace in your lives. I’ll catch you all on the flip side!

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The Holiday Happiness Struggle

Hello dear readers,

I hope this belated post finds you all doing well. I am generally good, but life has been rather unexpected as of late, hence the delay in posting yet again.

Today’s blog is mainly about the holiday slump, but other fun stuff will be peppered in there too (bad pun, I know).

As we sort of steamroll into the end of the year it dawned on me a couple of things: 1) thanksgiving (for the Americans, at least) is next week. ALREADY. And 2) quite truthfully, as some readers know from previous posts, I hate this time of year. Now, before you stop reading and cast me off forever for being a Grinch, hear me out.

On one hand, the holidays are a magical time of year for togetherness, love, altruism and selfless giving. I am TOTALLY down for those qualities. However, the dark side of the holidays is where I’m lost and I hate it. Selfishness, greed, consumerism, obligation, pressure, expectation, depression, and repression are all too common and as I get older, maybe it gets easier to spot or maybe it’s just getting worse… I’m not sure. But the bottom line is that I have no patience for it and it makes me sad and angry. That is not to say that there aren’t bright spots, because there are, but good grief… People literally killing one another for a tv is just pure madness to me.

The holidays are also used as a dividing tactic, in my opinion. Families can’t be together because one member isn’t welcome, so they go somewhere else. Or the meals the celebrations are inevitably surrounding aren’t inclusive to everyone either. Such as, I’m a vegan and when I spend a holiday with my extended family, I have to eat beforehand. There will surely be a veggie tray and some soup my grandmother insists I try because I can just pick out the chicken… Mashed potatoes, but we used skim milk… what do you mean it’s not vegan?

I know they mean well, but I’m always the outsider. Even growing up I was the outsider, mainly because I was outspoken when it probably wasn’t a good idea to be and way too smart for my own good. Not much has changed. Strangely, my friend’s, boyfriend’s and now my husband’s families have always been more inclusive to me than my own family. I guess that’s why I find myself ‘collecting the strays’ ever since high school. People who have crappy families, no families or whatever their situation, they spend holidays with me. I think they need it as much as I do, that feeling of togetherness.

But as I said, I struggle during the holiday stampede and endless Xmas music to find my bliss and truly just can’t wait for the craziness to be over. I’m not sure about in other cities, but in this one, people. get. crazy. during the holidays. They get pushier, shovier, and shorter tempered in their rush to do the next thing. The universe blessed Phoenix in that it very rarely snows here, because truly I don’t think I could handle the people, snow, and the people handling snow. It would likely cause the end of the world. Just saying.

I just recently took a fundraising position for a nonprofit organization and after my first day of field training, at a mall kiosk, I’m not only doubting my effectiveness in this position but also doubting humanity. Generally speaking, I’m expected to be a barker at people walking by. This is much harder than I give those mall guys credit for. At least the makeup or jewelry people have a product to sell. We are ‘selling’ an idea. We have to tap into what we think people will care about: kids, families, disasters, violence… We have to poke the hot button. And in a split second. I am just not that smooth. I’ve never done sales before. I’m an office worker or manual labor. Standing in the middle of a shopping mall trying to hustle? Damn hard and way out of my comfort zone. I’m going to try and stick it out to see if I make improvements, but the outlook is bleak.

I’m already finding myself wishing it were January.

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Against Our Own Best Interest

I recently watched a TED talk that pointed toward why it is human beings act against their best interest. Generally speaking, it’s due to emotions. There are a bunch of things swirling in there but the basic idea is that the rational part of us shuts off when our emotions are involved in the process.

On a personal level, I’m just as guilty as anyone about this particular topic. Often, I make really stupid decisions because it’s for a friend or someone I love. I put myself too far out on the limbs, to the tippy-top scary branches when it’s for one of the people close to me. Similarly, it comes back to bite me. I like to joke about ‘no good deed goes unpunished’, and while it is in jest, there is an element of truth to that sentiment for me. I know that’s not exactly the world’s most positive notion, but happiness isn’t always about positivity… Sometimes it’s just about honesty.

Anyway, honesty is one of those tricky things, I’ve discovered. I watched another TED talk about spotting dishonesty and how to make the world a more honest place. I agree with honesty and it being the best policy, but as the speaker illustrated, white lies must exist to spare the feelings of others. I agree with this as well. Nobody wants to hurt their loved one’s feelings and telling them that the haircut they love makes their face look fat would be more hurtful than the lie.

Of course, there are gentle ways to tell the truth and whenever possible, these methods should be done, in my opinion. It’s when brutal honesty comes into play, can it be damaging to any relationship. I am generally direct but I really strive to be cautious of the feelings of others. With that being said, I have been struggling with some elements of brutal honesty lately. The struggle is that while I appreciate the fact that these people are extremely candid, what they are honest about has been tough to swallow.

Now this is where acting against my best interest comes full circle. I want these people to be happy and remain honest with me. Because of this, I have to act against myself and my own happiness. In many situations throughout my life, this boundary has been extremely skewed and one sided. Typically I’ve been left beaten up when all is said and done. Thankfully I’m learning to extend that boundary and give myself a little more space to deal with issues, so I am less weary by the end. But unfortunately I am still developing this skill. I still find myself at odds with what’s best for myself and the honesty context.

In summary, this is essentially just another reminder that I’m human. I am not necessarily as strong as I think and sometimes I over estimate my capacity to deal with things. On the other hand, human beings are know for coping with more adversity than they ever thought possible, which makes me think that rather than me being a super heroine with human elements, I’m simply a human with bouts of superhuman abilities. I really believe that each of us had this skill, it’s just a matter of cultivating it.

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