Author: wendemachete

wend E machete is a nickname/ pen name for me, Sandra Marek, a writer and entrepreneur. I'm an active, non-traditional, bleeding heart liberal, mother, and devoted wife. I'm an ethical vegan, reiki master practitioner, yogi, meditation guide, Ayurvedic practitioner, public health nutritionist, aspiring Jodo Shinshu Buddhist minister, and scooter enthusiast. I support the open sharing of real information and the non-violent, creative resistance of authority. Question everything. Think for yourself. Live a life of loving kindness and compassion towards others. We are all interconnected. United.

The rocky road

First let me say, wow, it’s been a long time. I knew it had been a while, but until I just logged in, I had no idea just how long it’s been since I’ve posted here. As we all know, life happens. I’ve been meaning to post, but I just never have carved out the time to do so on this page. I’ve been focusing on other things, like my other page: PostPunkPartum which is dedicated to my adventures in parenthood. I’ve also started working on a new business venture with my bestie. Anyone that has ever worked for themselves can attest, it’s not easy and is extremely time consuming.

Anyway, these things have been happening, in addition to being a wife and mother, which are full time jobs- after my full time job. This is actually kind of  the topic of today’s blog. The path to happiness is a rocky road, filled with potholes, detours, construction, the widening or narrowing of lanes, and flat out dead ends. These are all things that I’ve been experiencing over the last several months with my little family, and my whole earth family (more on that in a another blog post).

On this road it’s hard to navigate sometimes because we don’t know what’s up ahead. We know certainly that the road around the bend is uncertain and there’s little we can do to prepare for that stretch of road, until we are coming upon it. We often times will have to drive cautiously and we may have to swerve because there’s a fallen tree that was previously out of our sight. But that’s what we do to survive, right? We react to the road ahead and do the best we can to avoid obstacles and pitfalls. Life is basically this metaphor for the entirety of the journey, in my opinion.

So, my question to this metaphor and the potential dangers in front of me is how do we maintain happiness through all of this uncertainty? Many people fear nothing but the unknown. For example, a friend of mine HATES what her job has become and spends a lot of time searching classified ads seeking new employment. However, at the very same time, she doesn’t take the steps necessary to put herself in a marketable position or to leap at all. She’s comfortable in her rut and has no desire to change herself, but she will be forced to if her company begins downsizing, as is the rumor. She could be using this time to learn a new skill or program, to better set herself up for the future; she could do a lot of things. But what is really holding her back is the fact that she doesn’t like change and she’s completely fearful of the unknown. She’s been doing her job for the better part of a decade and after that long, I’d likely be afraid too.

So how do we let go of this fear? What ways can we let go of the rut and actually take steps to change, instead of letting the universe take action for us? I’ve said it for many years that if we do not make the changes the universe (or god, the great spirit, etc) wants from us, the universe will force our hand and make the changes whether or not we like them. And from experience, we often do not like them. I’ve personally been on the receiving end of some shitty situations because I couldn’t make choices or changes fast enough and the universe forced me to adapt. Real quick. I think these changes are my least favorite. Since I’ve been on the wrong end of some universal/ karmic changes, I know better for the most part. I try to be as aware as possible of those “stirrings”, and I’ve definitely honed my “spidey sense” when it comes to change.

For instance, I’m pretty keyed in on my downsizing timeline. I know that my days are limited at my current job, which is why I’ve been actively searching for things that suit my needs and wants better. I knew taking this position that I was not long for it. It’s not what I want to do and the money/ working environment are not what I need, not to mention, I’m becoming obsolete. My supervisors are not telling us this, of course, because they still need us for the time being. It’s not a good feeling to know that you’re working yourself out of a job, even though I should be used to it. This has happened to me more than once. The fear part comes in because many of the options I have available to me, until my business gets off the ground, are simply either entirely too much for me to want to do, or not enough for us to survive. It’s pretty much a catch 22. I’m under-qualified to move up or over-qualified for what I’m good at/can be hired to do. However, I also know that by being open to the universe and the changes that are possible, the fear will be lessened overall. If I am open to changes and the rocky road ahead, I will remain alert and less afraid of the challenges in front of me.

I’ve taken thousands of wrong turns and been surprised by the outcomes, both positively and negatively. But the road of happiness is not meant to be a pristine, smooth ride. It’s designed to teach you things about yourself, force you to react to hairpin turns and switchbacks, and test your guts on the pothole proving grounds. Otherwise, how do you know you’re alive?

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Best laid plans

Most of us travel through our lives planning most things, like education, career, what’s for dinner. Yet, at the same time, life happens to us. There is a multitude of things that happen that we simply cannot control, and for those who follow the Buddhist path- trying to control these things brings about much of our daily suffering. 

I feel as though most of the last several years has really just been a series of my best laid plans getting obliterated by life. For instance, we sold our house. Seems easy enough, right? Up until 3 days before we were to close, there was seemingly no chance the deal was happening. We had stopped packing, nothing was ready. Then all of a sudden the investment group that was buying it came through and we had 10 days to vacate so they could begin renovating. We had nowhere to go, nothing was packed. I work and my husband cares for our new baby, and we had 10 days. 

Needless to say, it’s been nothing but upheaval, chaos, uncertainty and anxiety. We still haven’t closed on another house, and every day it seems the financing is in jeopardy. I feel like I’m existing in a suspended state of panic all the time. 

Yes, I’m fully aware that this is a first world problem, buying and selling real estate, but that doesn’t negate the real stress that we are experiencing. I’ve tried to let it roll off my back, made the conscious effort to reframe the situation in a positive light, but the only things that keep me from curling up in a ball of paralyzing fear are my husband and daughter. I know that I’m the only one working and they both need me more than ever. 

We will get through these struggles, because we don’t really have a choice. For my sanity, and all of our health and safety, if the plan doesn’t work, I mush continually change the plan until it does. Trust me, nothing about this is ideal, but we have to make choices and sacrifices to survive. 

Unfortunately, it’s been this way for me since I can remember and I wonder if this truly IS the human experience. Is this all there is? Constantly juggling the elements of our lives in hopes that the thing we drop isn’t that important? 

Of course, my life doesn’t occur in a vacuum. There’s billions of others struggling with their lives too. Many people have many sufferings and my heart truly aches for them. People who have no homes, their lives are affected by violence, who cannot make ends meet, and more. I have experienced many troubles in my life, but I am still absolutely blessed. 

Because I know suffering, loss, heartbreak, and tragedy I’ve decided this holiday season to give back and pay it forward. Friends and family of mind are banding together to donate time, warm clothes, food and more to those in need. I am tired of living a life of fear and loss. I am starting to live with hope and gratitude, so much so that I’m willing to share my limited resources with people who have less. 

I wish you all a happy holiday season. Stay tuned for my ‘year in review’ coming soon. Thank you so much for your support this year. 

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Let go, or be dragged

The title of this entry is that of a Zen proverb that I recently read and it rang very true to me. This, as any long time reader knows, is something that I struggle with; letting go. I’m a Type A personality, therefore control, being uptight, and regularly stressed out are common symptoms of my being. But recently, I’ve become much more humbled, as things that are wholly out of my control have begun to dictate my life. Granted, I shouldn’t “let outside forces DICTATE my life”, but as I casually say frequently, life. happened. And by life happening, I mean that finances change, relationships change, the climate changes. None of these things can I directly control. If I could, the world would be a very different place, but alas, I digress.

As I see it, because of all these significant changes around me, I want to exert more control over the things around me that I may or may not be able to control. For instance, I feel like things outside my home are extremely chaotic at the moment, which means that I want more order and structure IN the home. My husband and pets probably like this very little, but I feel better. I am currently having some health issues, so I colored my hair. My husband and I are at an impasse currently about hair. He’s not “allowed” to cut his until he “let’s” me cut mine. He was less than thrilled about the coloring aspect, but I’m sorry, I need some grey coverage.

These are just a few examples of how I’m trying to take back control of my environment, considering it seems like nothing more than shifting sand beneath my feet. What I wouldn’t give to regain some of the things that I’ve recently lost, time, money, control… whatever. But here’s where it gets tricky. If I am amble to control or influence everything, would anything change for the better? Would I progress into my most authentic self, without there being a series of conflicts? I’ve read and heard that we do our best soul-searching and most significant positive growth after periods of hardship or struggle. If that’s the case, I think I’m going to be Wonder Woman by the time I’m out of this blasted tunnel, but again, I digress.

There’s a song by the band Modest Mouse that I think of every time I’m feeling down or out of control in regards to the vast amounts of crap I endure on a regular basis. The lyric goes “If life’s not beautiful without the pain, then I’d rather just never see beauty again…”. Often times when you’re in the trench, in the darkness of life happening to you, rather than with or for you, I just can’t shake the idea that sometimes, the hardships are just not worth it. The adage or “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” may very well be true, but it also makes people harder, and often times more cynical. I feel like the rocks in the ocean that eventually, after decades of getting pummeled by the sea, end up shattering into billions of pieces along the shore.

But I think this is where the letting go part applies. Without letting go, you will be shattered into a billion pieces, slowly but surely. Letting go allows you to float in the sea, being tossed around, rather than ground into dust. I’ve yet to really decide which I prefer, the steadfast nature of the cliff that slowly erodes into the sand, or the pebble that breaks away to be carried off by the tide to unknown places. I can say for sure that I’m tired either way. I’m tired of holding on, and I’m tired of the unknown surprises that come along in the surf.

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As of late

Recent weeks have significantly impacted my life. There have been major complications and setbacks that I never could have imagined, personally and professionally. The path ahead is incredibly uncertain and truthfully, we are forced to simply take things one day at a time and hope for the best. This is certainly one of the most challenging times in a very long time. That’s not to say my life hasn’t been an intensely uphill battle, because in honesty, I cannot think of a time where things were easy, or even ‘calm’. I’ve been surrounded by chaos as long as I can remember, and much of it was self inflicted because of poor life choices. That’s, in part, why things are chaotic now. My honey and I have both made some poor choices over the last couple years and those consequences are coming home to roost, leaving us with little choice but to take it as it comes and do our best. But this morning I had this overwhelming sense that regardless of what happens today, or what happened yesterday, today is a new day. I have the opportunity to greet the day soiled from yesterday’s mess, or I have the choice to see it as a clean slate in which I will write my actions and thoughts that will see me until tomorrow. And then, that too will be a new day. I can choose to walk through my day with love and positivity, to count my blessings, to revel in the little things that make my life worth living, or I can choose to let the day beat me I to submission, only to return to my bed broken and defeated. I’m 100% sure there are going to be bad things that happen today, but if I let them roll off me like water, I may not drown in the deluge. For the record: I hate the rain, but it provides us with food and cleaner air, and cools the hot summers. So there is good that comes from the torrents, you just have to choose to see the good, instead of the bad. So I am actively making a choice this morning, to see the positivity and to feel the love of this new day. I’m going to seize the opportunity to make it a good day, whatever comes.  

 

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