Author: wendemachete

wend E machete is a nickname/ pen name for me, Sandra Marek, a writer and entrepreneur. I'm an active, non-traditional, bleeding heart liberal, mother, and devoted wife. I'm an ethical vegan, reiki master practitioner, yogi, meditation guide, Ayurvedic practitioner, public health nutritionist, aspiring Jodo Shinshu Buddhist minister, and scooter enthusiast. I support the open sharing of real information and the non-violent, creative resistance of authority. Question everything. Think for yourself. Live a life of loving kindness and compassion towards others. We are all interconnected. United.

The Human Side of Happiness

Sometimes I wonder if happiness exists in a vacuum, and I often feel like I’m outside the container. I see happiness all around me and there are so many people talking about happiness, studying it from scientific, religious, or philosophical stances, and delivering it to the masses with such clarity and brevity, it’s difficult to understand that how such an elusive feeling can be captured so succinctly. For example: I know what I want, but I just don’t know how to get there. I thought I was on the path to what I wanted, doing the right things, working hard… and then WHAM-O!! I get blindsided by a brick wall, let’s call it “reality?”. On top of that, I’ve had a lifetime of crap I don’t want. From shit friends, to awful jobs and/or bosses that suck my will to live, to people who straight up manipulate me and use me. I feel like I’ve been pretty clear to the universe that I do not want certain things in my life and I’ve gone to painstaking lengths to remove them from my life. Yet, all the while, I don’t feel happier. I don’t feel like I’m any closer to what I do want.

Similarly, I have been pretty clear, at least for the most part…, about what I will tolerate from others. I will tolerate a great deal, and I have a great deal of patience when it comes to certain things and people. Yet, on the other hand, my tolerance and patience is virtually nonexistent for other people and things. That’s just a human flaw I believe. But I’m 100% sure that I will not tolerate people lying, stealing, cheating, or otherwise being hateful toward me. I had to end a friendship that has lasted for more than a decade because I found out this person stole from me and lied. I was completely out of contact with him for more than a year, and now that he lives in a different city, we have only just now started to communicate and it’s only once a week at most. However, even with my boundaries firmly set, and me being honest about where people stand in my life, I still feel no closer to happiness.

This particular image resonates with me significantly. On one side, it’s so trite of someone to say, insinuating that it’s just THAT easy to start doing what you want. I know from example that it’s far from easy. Frankly, I question if it’s even worth it. But at the same time, because it is so difficult for regular people, those of us that have to pay bills, and work lame jobs, and who do not have extensive resources and support systems to allow “dreams to come true”, it makes it that much more enticing. I WANT TO LIVE MY AUTHENTIC LIFE. I do. But again, how do you get there? More importantly, how do you get there without losing everything you’ve worked for? And what if when you “get there” and it’s not what you want after all? How do you even know when you’ve arrived “there”? What does it look like? What does it feel like to be living the life you’ve always dreamed? And I’m not talking about multimillionaire status here, I’m talking genuine happiness. I’ve come to the realization that there are few moments in which I have enjoyed genuine happiness. I think I can count them on two hands.

Recently, my honey, my bestie, and one of my other best friends went to a music festival together. It was so much fun. The most fun I have had in a very long time. The music was amazing, we got to scratch a couple items off the bucket list, and it was just a great time. But what goes up, must come down. The next two days (the show was on a Friday) were incredibly challenging and negative. I honestly couldn’t wait to go back to work where I didn’t have to deal with my “real” life. I hate feeling like that. I want to enjoy my time off, since it’s the only time where I can do the things that I don’t HAVE to do. Yes, I do things that I have to do, like clean the house and grocery shopping, but that’s minor. I don’t have to stare at a computer in spreadsheet hell for 8+ hours a day. But when I have weekends where I’m just over it and it’s nothing but conflict, what’s the point of being home? I might as well just go back to spreadsheet hell. At least there, I’m getting paid to deal with it. At home, I’m basically paying for the privilege to be not at work. I do not like that idea at all.

Because I’ve sort of been living in my own personal hell these days, aside from the spreadsheets, stemming from school and my educational future, I haven’t had a chance to come up for air. We are still dealing with the financial repercussions of having to take a few months off for my internship and unexpected bills. Of course, the holidays do not make paying down debt easier. It’s frustrating and I feel defeated. I am trying to find those moments, however fleeting, where I can enjoy genuine happiness and I’m slowly making tangible changes to achieve personal goals. I plan to take some classes after the new year that will not only enrich my mind, but also my physical self. It will help achieve several goals I have set for myself. I am really looking forward to this. I am hopeful that my bestie will get to take them with me. We can both scratch that off the bucket list. It’s hard though, being so removed from my genuine self for so many years, to get back to that person. I’m not sure that person even exists anymore. All I know if that I have to begin doing the things that I know I used to love, to see if they still fit. I want to fun things, that also enrich my mind and spirit. I’ll let you know how that goes, as I start doing them. Wish me luck!

I hope that each of you consider what is preventing you from living your genuine truth, if you aren’t already living it. When you put your finger on the problem, it becomes easier to move beyond. Best of luck my faithful and new readers. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate you.

November 28, 2014 0

Sensory happiness

It is said that everyone experiences different things differently through their five (or six) senses. Taste, smell, sight, touch, sound and perception are not just part of our current experiences, however. Instead it’s through these means that we also create our memories. And through these means, we have the incredible ability to have these memories triggered and come flooding back. While driving to work this very morning, that happened. I was listening to a station that plays EDM (electronic dance music) and because this form of expression was the background to some of my most ecstatic and also some of my darkest moments ever, many of those memories and emotions came flooding through me. Not only was I overcome with feelings and thoughts, I also felt immediately compelled to write about the experience.

It’s through the senses of overwhelming bass, the closeness of thousands of virtual strangers in my immediate proximity, the suffocating lack of breathable air, and the sights of hundreds to thousands of faces in the crowd and fantastic lighting was my ‘hobby’ of dancing formed. I remember the very first party I went to like it was yesterday, and yet it was more than 15 years ago. I feel like it’s been a lifetime since that night, and in reality, it has been. I have lost the majority of the people I was once very close to, but the closeness to dancing and music has never left me. In those moments, I have never felt so completely free. I have never been able to step outside myself in such a tangible and intangible way. Besides my other personal love, roller derby, the world has never made more sense.

I’m older now and gatherings have changed immensely, on top of the fact that I kind of like sleeping at night these days, that desire for escaping the world in a fury of bitchin’ dance moves is always something that I’m missing in daily life. It’s in those experiences that I was able to experience happiness though. A perfect, unique joy that can only be brought back via sudden memories, in this case driving to work, and the experiences themselves.

The take away message here: find your joy wherever you can. It is fleeting.

August 5, 2014 0

Happiness is an inside job

I found a quote on a local church marquis over the weekend that stated ‘happiness is an inside job’. At first I could only laugh because that day was particularly challenging and introspective, but also I found it funny to be in front of a church. Now, I’m not religious, as anyone has read (spiritual, yes), but I always thought that religion, especially Christianity was about getting right with god and had little to do with personal happiness. Simply salvation in the next world. Since I have been very introspective the last few days, that sign has sort of stuck with me. I have written pages upon pages of words relating to the notion of happiness essentially stemming from within and radiating out, and yet this sign summed it up so easily.

Happiness is an inside job. I’ve been struggling with the inside of myself and with the outside world. To quote myself a couple years ago, inner chaos brings outer chaos and vice versa. I can say with certainty that the outer chaos is destroying whatever inner peace I have recently gained, which has caused many internal problems for me.

At the same time, I know that for growth to occur, destruction has to happen first. It cannot last forever, unless I choose roads that continue the suffering. Situations are impermanent. How I deal with these everyday situations will shape the lessons I learn and how I grow as a person, consciously or not. I can remain bitter and grow resentful of the inadequacies of others and how I somehow got a raw deal or I can trudge forward and attempt to learn something. I mean, I’m destined to repeat it again, if I don’t learn it this time around, right?

Along those same lines I’ve recently discovered that I’m reliving situations that I should have learned from almost a decade ago. But the strange catch to this lesson is that I’m on the other side of the equation. Instead of playing my role, it’s of another person and the role of me is played by someone else entirely. It’s incredibly bizarre to have a stark reminder of where I’ve come from, but worse yet, I now understand fully what that person may have been feeling at the time. While the situations are by no means exactly alike, the similarities are striking and I truly feel that the lesson is the same for the person sharing it with me, and my lesson here is different from theirs. Instead, I believe I’m meant to deepen my understanding of it, and perhaps even come to a place of forgiveness about those past hurts.

I am trying to learn my lessons while teaching a lesson I’ve already learned. It’s challenging, to say the least. Meanwhile, I’m also trying to live my life, what’s left of it. I say what’s left of it because it vaguely resembles anything I’m familiar with. Instead, it’s like a shell, or even a movie. I know all the actors, I felt like I’ve seen it before, but I just can’t figure out the punch line. I’m waiting to ‘get’ the joke.

What I’ve taken away from these feelings and frustrations lately is that I really am unhappy with where I am in life. I have to stay on course just a little longer before I can make the necessary changes. And I’m also trying to swallow the idea that somehow I still don’t have a clear handle my life, even thought I surely thought by the time I was in my 30s, I’d have figured it out. I am not entirely sure we ever really do, but rather, we are surrounded by people who have mastered the art of ‘fake it until you make it’, and none of us really have a handle on it.

So what does this have to do with the sign? I’m not really sure about that either. But I do know that millions of people find comfort with a set of guidelines, even if they don’t necessarily follow the rules very well. It’s comforting to know they’re out there and most of these souls are just as lost as you are. They’re all just trying to fake it the best they can.

Thanks for reading! Please share your stories in the comment section. I’m curious if others have similar thoughts and feelings.

July 22, 2014 0

Happiness and Depression

Hello again!

Today I would like to write about something that I know I’ve touched on before, but has sparked me to make some changes in my daily life. First let me begin by saying that I have battled depression for most of my life. I was 14 when I asked my mother if I could go to therapy because I was so unhappy, but by no means did it begin then. I think it started when I was 8 or 9 years old, largely in part to my parents splitting up. Prior to that, I was an excellent student, outgoing and participatory. I will add, that I was also bullied because I was extremely tall for my age and we were very poor, so I was picked on A LOT. I then became a bully, because, well, I wasn’t going to let someone get the jump on me.

Anyway, by the time my parents finally split up I immediately internalized it, believing that there was something that I could have done better to keep them together. They should have probably never BEEN together in the first place, but then I’d never be here to share my story either. So there’s that. I started to withdraw from things I once enjoyed and came very close to failing out of elementary school, though writing was probably what saved me because it came easy to me. I was in gifted programs and special classes, but I struggled to even care. I did everything I was supposed to because my family would accept nothing less and honestly, they could be scary.

My mother was largely absent due to working 80-100 hours a week, putting herself through nursing school and everything. My father had a new wife, so we were more of an obligation to them. So in the care of our babysitter, who was also our grandfather, my brother and I basically only had each other. My grandfather’s version of babysitting was not letting us out of his sight, which meant many, many days and weeks of watching TV game shows and the news.

When I got older and was able to care for myself, I began to be rebellious probably because I had rarely been let outside. I need do stretch my legs, so to speak. I drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, did drugs, partied… you name it, all before I was out of high school. Granted, I was one of the most responsible people I knew (and still know), because I have spent the majority of my life taking responsibility for things that are not mine to internalize. But that’s what I do. I have to be honest here and say that since I was a kid suicide always seemed like a viable option, but my failed and ignorant attempts only made the depression I felt worse.

When I was 19, I did not drive a car because I could not afford one. I borrowed my friend’s car to take my driving test. I had driven her car once, maybe, before then and the transmission was failing. I’m surprised I passed, and so was the person administering the test. He said “given your equipment, you passed with flying colors”. Anyway, I was working two menial jobs on opposite ends of town, along basically the same road. I relied on the bus to get me places or walking, which I did a tremendous amount of. One day I was getting off my day job and had to time it perfectly so that I could catch my connecting bus later, and I failed. When I got to my connection, the bus was already driving away and I immediately started freaking out. I had my first full fledged panic attack that day, though I thought I was having a heart attack. When I stumbled into my apartment, sobbing uncontrollably, I called my mom who was a nurse. She could barely understand my inaudible words through the wheezing and hysteria. This was all because I missed the bus and I couldn’t get to my night job. I went to the hospital to make sure I wasn’t really having a heart attack, but that started the regular attacks.

For the next several months, I would wake up in such fear and dread that I would throw up before I went to work every day. I became more and more depressed, money was tight so I was even more worried. I was stuck in this cycle of dread and fear and depression and hopelessness. Since that time, I have had more freak outs, as I call them, than I could possibly count. I have been medicated, self-medicated, and worse to cope with the dread and sadness I have experienced.

So what does this have to do with happiness? I’m sure you’re asking by this point… I have determined that happiness is elusive, and I’ve kind of mentioned this before in previous blog posts. But beyond the elusiveness of this thing that we are trying so hard to find, is that even through all of the hardships, heartaches, struggles and worse, I am still looking for sources of happiness and I’ve also learned to manage my anxiety and depression to where I can still sort of function. I’m no longer sobbing uncontrollably on my bed in the dark with someone silently (or not so silently) judging me for being “weak” or “pathetic”. Instead, I wear my ability to endure like a badge of honor. Not only is the world against me, but so is my own brain, and I’ve still managed to make it this far. Some days, that’s all you’ve got. But I will say that even in my darkest days, which I’ve been experiencing a couple of lately, I still find sources of happiness everyday. It could be something so simple that will make me smile, like a picture of a baby hippo someone tagged me in on social media, or a text from my husband about nothing at all.

This is where we find our happiness on a daily basis. The simple things that make you smile in the darkest times and our ability to endure the storm of life.

Thanks for reading!

June 19, 2014 0

The little things

I love the little things, the small hours, and watching the world rise from their slumber. I’m not a fan of waking up earlier and staying up later as a means of extending the hours in my useable day, but there are perks.

I get a secret glimpse into the lives of wandering animals, and how they use our yard as a means of survival, education, and relaxation. They drink out of the kiddie pool set up to keep our dogs cool in the blazing summer heat (not that they’re outside all the much, but a quick dip is always welcomed by our husky/lab). They raise their young and teach them the ways of their species… Kittens, insects, birds… You name it. We don’t get many squirrels or raccoons in this area of the world, so that’s probably for the best. Unfortunately, these little creatures have to learn about dogs too… Just a little later in the morning. 5am belongs to them, these small ones, before the world and the dogs are awake and running.

This is also the time of day I get to enjoy the stillness at home. The animals and husband are still nestled snugly in their beds, until the puppy starts to rustle, all is quiet. The cat and I often exchange pleasantries, but he is less interested once he has food. I get to take a few minutes to look at my to-do list, tidy up the living spaces, read or write something.

Even right now, it’s 6am and the dogs are play/fighting and the cat is doing acrobatics. There is such a narrow window, about 30 minutes, before the day starts. The question is how do I make them count?

Have a wonderful day!

May 21, 2014 0

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