Day 3- Gratitude Project

This morning I’m grateful for my level head in times of conflict, confrontation, and emergency. Granted, sometimes there is an initial wave of panic, generally I can overcome the fray and be level.

My reason for writing this today is because we had a meet up with some people from a car enthusiast group my husband is part of. We had it at a dog park early this morning because it would be too hot later in the day. We have three dogs ourselves, and the car company we are enthusiastic about is really dog friendly. My husband had a bunch of car brand swag to give away, like tennis balls, frisbees, bandanas, and other such things.

When we got to the park we noticed the large dog area was closed for construction, so we had to go to the small dog section. There was only one dog, besides ours, so I sat with them and our baby while hubby went back to the car to get the swag. I chatted with the lady with the dog. While he was walking back, another family came. They were pleasant, until they weren’t. Their dog had ‘short man syndrome’ and decided to pick a fight with our deaf dog. She wasn’t fighting back, but she was nearing teeth and holding their little pup down. I quickly grabbed her collar as they picked up theirs. We were talking about them. I apologized that she was holding their dog down and they explained he sometimes got aggressive with large dogs. I held my dog’s collar while they walked around and we were cordial. They left soon after with an attitude. Not my problem. Our dog wasn’t aggressive, or even really as forceful as she could have been. She certainly didn’t start it.

I was holding her when my husband returned, as that couple were leaving with their dog in a huff. Apparently they believed they had the right of way or something. Not my problem. When he got back to the bench we were on, I let her go run around. I did all this while holding our baby.

A little bit later other dogs came, most of them were nice. However, there was another, much more dramatic altercation between two dogs that weren’t ours. A small dog got tackled by an aggressive dog. It sounded worse than it was, and the man with the small pup was being extremely dramatic. The interaction lasted less than one minute, and by the way he was reacting, you’d think his dog was getting mauled. The owners of the other dog reacted quickly and stopped the situation by holding their dog down until the other guy gathered himself and his dog. However, he couldn’t just leave it as two dogs having politics. He was swearing and insulting the other people, and just generally being an asshole.

He was taking photos and talking about city ordinances. While holding my baby I stepped in and told him that there was no law about large dogs and the off leash park, so long as they were not aggressive. We had just as much right being there as he did, and that the attitude, language, and drama was unnecessary. Naturally, because he was being shitty, the other guy started getting angry and with a fence between them an argument started.

My husband stepped in and tried to get the small dog owner to move along so the other people could remove their pet and go home as well. This took entirely too long because the small dog owner just wanted to fight, and the other guy wasn’t going to just let him talk shit. Truthfully, had other people not been there, a fight would have likely happened.

Unfortunately, dogs just sometimes have politics. They’re individuals just like people and some dogs just don’t get along with other dogs. It’s not other dog’s fault your dog doesn’t like them. It’s just what it is.

Anyway, this could have been worse, but I believe our level heads and interactions with these people helped diffuse a potentially physical altercation.

Dog people generally just understand that shit happens and sometimes pets get hurt. I’ve had my fair share of dog politics and my dogs have been on both sides: instigator and victim. But what makes it worse is asshol humans. Adding fuel and fire to an emergency or tense situation is not likely to make things better. Keeping tempers in check is an asset, and today I’m grateful that everyone was able to generally keep their cool. The world has been a violent place lately and we don’t need any more of that right now. Tensions are high and we live in an open carry state. People get shot for less and I’m thankful that there was no violence.

July 9, 2016 0

Day 2- Gratitude Project

Today I am thankful for my kid. She is the light of my life and my reason for living. I know that sounds trite, but I adore her. My husband has been sending me photos and videos of her doing the most hilarious things today. These things have made a very stressful day so much better. I’m grateful that my husband has the notion to share these moments of silliness that they share together with me while am working. I am jealous of him being able to stay with her all day, and I truly feel like I am missing moments in her life that can never be replayed. I’m so thankful that he encourages her to grow and experience things while I am at work, and that he can share them with me. I would give almost anything to be the one that stays home with her, but that’s simply not possible right now. So in the meantime, I get to see her shining face in the evenings and over photos or video. She is developing such an amazing little personality, and I am so thankful to be part of it. More to the point, I’m glad that my husband thinks of me during these times where he could be absent minded or just plain selfish. I am so thankful for both of them being who they are and in my life. Without them, my life would be less full, less interesting, less busy, and less complete. I am grateful for the small moments I have with them both. I am so grateful that I get to watch her sleep in the wee hours, but I’m also thankful on the rare occasions that she wakes up early. I am always late to work those days, but I get to spend moments with her that I could not have had otherwise. I am thankful that I get those moments, even if I’m late and rushing later. My husband is not so thankful when she wakes up early, because he has to wake up early when I have to leave for work.

July 8, 2016 0

Day 1- Gratitude Project

Today, and really every day, I’m grateful for my job. I am grateful to be employed, yes. But beyond the fact that I have a steady income to support my family, I actually like my job. I have only been here a short time, but I truly feel appreciated and valued, even though I’m only a contract employee. I’ve been told how valuable I am and how much I am appreciated for the work I do, as well as the attitude that I bring to the team. I don’t make a huge amount of money, but it’s significantly more than my previous job, and there’s no “fake nice” here, like there was there. Everyone is genuine, like it or not. People are direct, but kind. And you know where you stand with everyone. But no matter where you stand, everyone is pleasant and there’s no catty gossip and backstabbing. People work together as a team, valuing the strengths of everyone else. Of course there are arguments and people get their feelings hurt. However, they don’t hold grudges and talk shit behind their backs, at least for long. You cannot get ahead in this company by being an asshole. I am grateful for this.

I am grateful for the opportunity to work in a new industry and expand my skills as a person and employee. I am challenged almost every day to learn something new or grow in my role here. In just a few months I’ve been able to surpass the duties of my predecessor significantly. I’ve expanded my role to almost twice her weekly hours, and secured myself as a valuable asset to multiple working groups and teams. I love helping others and I love learning new things. This job allows me to do both regularly, and I am thankful for that.

I’m also grateful for the fact that I’m treated like an adult. I do not have someone standing over me all day, monitoring my every move. I am allowed to take a break whenever I need to, surf the internet if I feel like it, and I still manage to get more done in a day than I ever did previously. It means something to feel like you’re not under the microscope. I’m eternally grateful for this.

And finally, I’m grateful for the flexibility of this position. It’s very important that I’m here, because I serve as the hub for many processes, however I can take vacation with a little notice, or adjust my schedule if I need to do something during the day. I’m not trapped at my desk 100% of my day, until a specified time, day in and day out. It’s a beautiful thing. This allows me to join my baby for doctor visits, come in a little late if she needs me in the morning, or get off a little early so that we can get things done before the middle of the night. I’m so very grateful that I found this job.

I appreciate every minute I get to spend here, as well as the challenges and people that come with the title. I am very glad that I passed up other opportunities, even though they were very tempting and lucrative at the time. I truly do not believe that I would have been as happy at those places, as I am here. Nor do I think I would have wanted to stay there forever. Not that I want to stay in this place forever, I’m sure I could if I wanted to. All of those other failed interviews and complicated situations that just “didn’t feel right” at the time, were simply blessings in disguise. I am grateful that they didn’t pan out the way I hoped then and that this opportunity pretty much landed in my lap. I’m so fortunate for so many reasons to be here in this place. And that’s what I’m grateful for today.

July 7, 2016 0

40 days of gratitude

The theme of this blog has been evolving ever since I began typing that first blog several years ago. I was searching for meaningful ways to bring more happiness into my daily life. I was in the midst of college and in a dark place in my personal relationships. I was not living authentically or really living at all. I was just grinding it out, day in and day out; existing simply to finish my then goal of graduating college. I was on the back end of personal tragedy and heartbreak, in the middle of a difficult and potentially dangerous situation, and getting ready to step off a cliff into the unknown. There were so many forces at work and I had to focus on the positive. I’m nowhere near where I was, but I’m not yet to where I want to be. I am evolving, and so is this blog.

So I recently asked myself the following:

What is it with 40 days/ 6 weeks? Lent is 40 days; maternity leave is about 6 weeks after the baby is born for those that get it. Why are these numbers or timeframes so engrained in our past and present lives? I don’t have these answers, but I’ve been inspired.

I was reading a book that I was meaning to read for a long time. It was on my Amazon wishlist for a few years, and I finally received it for my birthday, I think. I didn’t read it right away for some reason, but I’m glad that I did. Reading books has gotten harder since having a little one at home. She takes up 99% of my spare waking time that I’m not at work. The other 1% is cleaning. Anyway, the premise of the book Life is a Verb, is that 37 days (which is very close to 40) can transform your life. There are a series of stories and activities to do at the end of each one for 37 days. Each of these activities are designed by the author (whom I seem to feel is a kindred spirit from her stories and experiences) to help you live the life you want. Living the life I want, spending more time with my family, working smarter-not-harder, and being in the employ of myself are my main goals, but living a more grateful and joyful life have been my “small” goals for many years.

Those of you who’ve been following this blog for any length of time know that I’ve been studying and seeking greater happiness for a long time. I’ve had moments of elation that I cannot compare to anything else in this life, but I’ve also experienced some of the most devastating despair and loss that I’ve ever had in my 35 years on this earth. Of course, I’ve felt everything in between and surely will over and over again as I grow older. I hope that the feelings of happiness will be greater than those of unhappiness, of course, as we all do. So by focusing on what I want, instead of what I don’t want, I plan to cultivate just that.

So in the spirit of change, transformation, and happiness, I’m going to focus on gratitude. There have been countless studies and interviews indicating that the more a person is grateful, the happier they are throughout the course of their lives, and also exhibit more satisfaction with their lives in general. I’d like to practice more gratitude, because while I’m extremely grateful for all of the things in my life, I feel like if I can bring intention and magnify the things in which I am grateful, more of these things will grace my daily life.

I have decided that I want to challenge myself to not only be grateful, especially amidst stress and fatigue, but I also want to challenge my personal dedication to writing. I love writing but find that I make excuses not to do it, mostly evolving from not having enough time. Because of this, I want to focus on just a few minutes of writing each day to express my gratitude. Gradually, or at least periodically, I’m sure my entries will be long, but I’m guessing that most of them will be short. Probably very short. But the goal is to do it. Starting tomorrow, I’ve set an alarm to ensure that I simply don’t forget to write. It is my intention to bring attention to this particular goal for just a few minutes every day.

So stay tuned! And wish me luck. I’ll likely need it.

July 6, 2016 0

Soul searching and meditative painting

The season is finally starting to wind down in Arizona and the nights are getting brisker. The heat of the days are getting below the 100s. I’ve been meaning to start the massive interior-painting-my-house project for months and I finally feel like the weather is cooperating. I’m able to open the doors and windows to vent the place out, though the paint I spent a small fortune on is ultra low odor, low/no VOC and thankfully doesn’t bother my allergies so much. Thanks to Home Depot for finally having options other than toxic. (Shameless plug for paint that won’t kill you as quickly) So, when I get home in the evenings, I’m able to do a little painting. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I figure if I do an hour or two every couple days, I won’t kill myself and it’ll get done without rushing. That’s a major concern. I want it to look good… If I rush through it, it’ll get done, but it’ll look like crap and it will not last very long. I don’t want to have to paint every surface of my house very often. It will be done slowly and correctly. :)

With all this OCD perfectionism, I’ve had a bit of time to think and search my brain and heart. I’ve also had a bit of time to read the last few days, though, my procrastination of homework has caused a little stress and panic. Fingers crossed for a good grade on this last lab report. It was not easy to focus on, let alone get completed. Note to self: STOP procrastinating when I have stuff due.

Anyway, there are a few things that I want to touch on in this post, first: painting is rather meditative. You are able to think and be introspective yet, incredibly focused and not realizing either. It’s all the more important to maintain focus when you have an antique hardwood floor to protect, but the attention to detail and immense concentration required… wow. Second: through this action of extreme mindfulness, it’s come to the surface that having control over my environment is incredibly important to me… I can imagine that it’s the same for others, but I’m only going to speak for myself here. Third: Money, while it doesn’t necessarily “buy happiness”, it sure buys the option.

Ok, so the meditative thing… as some of you might recall, I am not good at the meditation. It was one of my goals to find sources of meditation that were not sitting on a cushion listening to ambient music. I just cannot sit still long enough for all that. Instead I tried gardening (which hasn’t produced much but huge plants. Food? Not a scrap.). I’ve got a hobby or two that can be meditative, but it’s not been lately for other reasons that I won’t get into here. When I embarked on the painting idea, I thought only of the end result… sort of. I knew that it would take me a long time, because I’m essentially doing it myself and I also knew it wasn’t going to be easy, mostly due to the amount of time it would require. No, painting is not easy… it’s labor intensive and physically demanding. It’s not for the faint of heart. But I’ve done a whole house before, walls and ceiling. Those times though, I had consistent help and it wasn’t exactly THAT important that the job be great. A lease of only a year is sort of good like that. If it looks terrible, you don’t have to live with it long. However, home ownership has a different feel. I’m stuck with it if it sucks. Incentive to make it beautiful accepted. Just selecting the colors was a really long process. I couldn’t find a medium and dark grey that were both in the same color family that I liked. It took a long time, but I finally did it. Hell, these two colors are on the same paint card, let alone in the same color family. Anyway, so I’ve been listening to music and just taking a little bit of time as often as I can to get just bits and pieces done at a time. I’ve had a little help from someone who can reach my ceiling without a chair. For that help, I’m incredibly grateful. Plus I enjoy the company. Bonus. During this series of relatively short meditations, I’ve made a lot of internal progress. I’ve come to realize a few things not only about myself, but about what I want in my future. This has been incredibly valuable, since I’ve had the opportunity to also evaluate how I interact and gel with other people.

This leads me to my second thing, control. I have felt really out of control for many years and I guess I’ve learned to adapt to that feeling of chaos, so much in that I almost feel more comfortable in chaotic situations than otherwise. It’s partly due to the fact that I just cannot sit still, but this doesn’t help the fact that I’m to a stage in my life where I not only want, but feel like I need control over SOMETHING other than my personal body. Slowly but surely, I have been doing what I can to extract control out of my life, which in essence is uncontrollable. However, the painting project has helped me feel like I have control over my space, where I most certainly don’t, yet I feel like I have a bit of a say in what happens here. It’s quite a nice feeling. I cannot wait to see how beautiful my home is when it’s done… since I got to be the only voice in paint colors for the first time ever.

And this of course, leads me to my final point. I’ve always thought to myself that money wasn’t the key to happiness. In my experience, having money meant that I had no time. I prefer having time than money. However, I’m slightly reevaluating that thought too. At this point, I’m pretty much broke, but I’ve got enough money to get the general bills paid with a tiny amount left over. For a very long time, I didn’t have two nickles to rub together and on the flip side, I had more than enough money but no time to spend it. I prefer where I am. I get to do one or two small things to get out and have adventures, but I don’t have anything extravagant. That makes me happy in and of itself. Having a few simple things, like going to one concert a month (not big arena shows or anything, but small venues, indie bands or shows that are meaningful), going out to a nice dinner once in a while… these are simple things that produce a great deal of joy in my humble life. That’s what I mean by money giving you the option of happiness… and it’s not “happiness” in general that money buys. It’s more the experience that often requires a little cash. I’m blessed to also have a few good friends that like doing stuff that I can tag along to. This gets me out a little more than I plan for and helps me achieve the “adventures with those close to me” part of my goals right now.

I think, as my happiness project is creeping to it’s official end, I’ve realized more than anything that I am so fortunate. Not because I have a fancy house, a high paying job, a brand new car, tons of stuff…. because I truly have none of those things. I live in a modest house that I’m blessed to be paying for for the next 30 years, I have a high mileage used car that happens to be exactly the perfect car for me, which I’m also fortunate to be paying on for a while, a modest salary at a small business and virtually no personal possessions… I could not be more fortunate. I have a beautiful life that occasionally sucks ass, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

October 14, 2012 0

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