The other F-word.

I know, I know… I’ve been slacking on writing the last couple weeks. I’m sorry… I will not bore you all with my excuses, but I will say that I promise to get back into a more regular schedule. I’ve just been distracted.

Anyway, so the other F-word… it’s got 4 letters and it’s probably more damaging than the one we all naturally think of… it’s fear. FEAR is the “other F-word” and truthfully, considering the damage that it does to people’s lives, mine included, it should be the first F-word, not the “other”.

In recent weeks I’ve been grappling with a lot of fear. There is a great deal of uncertainty surrounding several aspects of my life and a couple “surprises” have come up to complicate matters even more. I have several opportunities glaring me in the face, career moves, educational opportunities, potential relationships and yet… I feel literally paralyzed when I think of having to make a choice. That’s fear. I’m afraid of making the wrong move. Since I’ve made so many stupid ones over the years, I just can’t make a move. By not making a choice, I’m still making a choice. In my head, I know that this is fear and that it’s keeping me in a submission hold to a life that doesn’t exist or feelings/thoughts that are totally nuts. But fear is one of the most powerful feelings that we feel as humans, or any animal really. It’s a universal feeling, this thing we call fear, amongst all animals. We are just aware of it outside the realm of basic survival.

There are times where it’s appropriate to hide out in our bunkers, but if we never see the light of day we can never experience all that life has to offer. My problem with this is that life has been kicking me in the teeth over the last several years and I’m just not sure I can stand up anymore. However, when I see those close to me being afraid of things that seem so obvious to me, or over nothing at all… I just want to shake them until they snap out of it. But it dawned on me recently… I’m that guy to most of the people who know my inner workings. I’m 100% certain they want to kick my ass and rightly so. There are much more difficult decisions and definitely more important things for me to be worrying about than some of the topics I cannot seem to let go of. Yet, all the while, I struggle. It’s incredibly frustrating…

I’m currently reading a book on self-compassion and it’s appropriate for my current mind state. Learning to be kind to yourself without judgment, using comforting thoughts and words toward not only others in times of struggle, but also for yourself. It’s fairly counter intuitive to Westerners, simply because we value heard work and diligence so greatly… but you can have those things and also be compassionate to yourself, apparently. I’m still in the very preliminary learning stages of how to accomplish such things… but I’m doing my best. That, to me, is what matters.

In the meantime, I’m also doing things that I find enjoyable and spending time with people that I value in my life. I am doing everything I can do to forgo a few hours of sleep to do fun things. I recently went to a concert and I’ve had several dinners and drinks with some of my favorite people. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get focused about school and getting back into the rhythm of the semester. That, sadly, is easier said than done.

There are more good things on the horizon. I can feel it. :)