Passion

I’ve recently watched a couple of shows on the ‘flix the inspired this entry. As any of my longtime readers can attest, I’ve been relatively consistent in writing, until a little over a year ago. There have been numerous times since the inception of this blog, however, as life tends to have other plans for me sometimes. I have not, though, ever gone through such a long steak without writing. It’s something I’ve always done with ease and general excitement. It has always been something I’ve wanted to earn a living at. There’s just something about the written word… anyway.

These two shows (one a dessert competition, and the other a beauty industry completion) demonstrate people with incredible passion and skill at their crafts. Their drive and tenacity are unparalleled. Their motivation to learn, grow, and hone their techniques and ranges are just marvelous. And because humans are very much selfish creatures, I watch this and circle back to myself at some point.

What is my passion? What can I not live without? What gets me amped up?

Throughout my life, even the things that have given me the greatest joys, have eventually become stale. Very few things keep my attention for long, let alone become something I’m passionate about. They become too cumbersome, too distracting, too much drama, too much work. They lose their shine, and I get bogged down. There have only been a couple things to genuinely keep me coming back (not without the afore mentioned periods of drag, of course), for years. One of them has always been writing.

However, lately, I’ve realized that I’ve lost my spark for even writing. I also realized that I no longer have anything I’d consider a “hobby”. There’s truly nothing that I’m currently passionate about enough to even want to entertain.

Covid has been wearing on me, more than I’d like to admit, I’m sure. But I’ve been isolated and busy for years before. I was chronically busy with a full time job and way beyond full time school. However, I’ve never felt this level of malaise before, especially toward writing. Even writing this right now, even with inspiration striking, this feels a bit like a chore. I know I’m not the only one. I didn’t learn a skill, like baking bread or a language during lockdowns. I worked full time throughout much of the last 1.5 years, and it’s been entirely from home. Plus I’ve been a full time parent, juggling distance learning with the kids, and a full time partner to boot. So I just have been feeling heavy.

If you add in racial injustice and the protests that has been spurring for more than a year now, stemming from the cities in which I live, plus unimaginable tragedy from all corners of the globe- wars, natural and unnatural disasters, climate change, isolation, deaths, and more. It’s just too much to take in. It’s no wonder I’ve lost whatever spark I once had, no wonder I feel like a zombie sometimes. It’s all been exhausting.

With the new, worse outlook with Covid, I don’t know… it all seems rather hopeless. It’s absolutely no wonder for me, and countless others, that discovering our passions during the pandemic of the century hasn’t been too of mind. It’s been barely more than an effort in survival for many of us. The thing that I HAVE discovered is that despite losing much of the vibrancy of life, much of the colors and textures that make life passion-filled, I’m not alone and someday it’ll get better. Regardless, I’ve also deepened my relationship with myself, with my family, and the kids. It’s not “my passion”, but it’s been a unique opportunity that I wouldn’t have otherwise had.

I have discovered a deep understanding and an even deeper love for those around me. My life.

This isn’t to say I’m not fearful about Covid and additional unrest in my area, and worldwide. Because those are very real feelings, with good reason. People have proven to suck, a whole bunch. But I also believe that individuals can and are the most resilient, dedicated, and truly inspiring creatures on earth.

Stay strong, friends.